Rhythms.

The full Moon was so beautiful last night.

A Prayer.

Maheo, Pacha Mama, Creator, Mi Diosito-

i ask
for
nothing more
than a Compassionate
Heart-

a mouth that is slow
to speak,

understanding with which
to listen,

and hands that are quick
to give help.

Desert Longing

four wheel drive
a coyote crosses the road
and i slow

i forget how far
the turn off
is
from here
so i find the
silhouette in the distance
windows lit
a beacon of light
leading me home

i thank God
por la tierra
i leave the kitchen
just to walk around
outside
the house
with my shoes
off

i had almost
forgotten
the vastness of the sky here
the way the clouds
form
into indescribable
forms
and light plays
on the ground below

compost and kitties
grashoppers the size
of mice
whose wings sing
as they fly in short bursts
around the
yard

i can see the milky way
from the
front porch at night
while
bats sear the sky-
lightning bolts in
almost purple
flashes

thunder rolls out
as though
from the womb
of the Earth
herself
and it shakes the ground
i stand on-

not even my happiest days in the city
can compare
with the bliss

of this.

Home, Sweet Home

Hey All-
i am headed to Taos for the next 2 weeks....so i will most likely be out of touch with the technological world. Returning is a little bittersweet this time around, but i know it is going to be AMAZING no matter what.

My love to all-
'til i return,
Rach

Coffee and Wisecracks

The past couple of days have been a great reminder to me of why I love Mon Cafe.

On Friday afternoon water began pouring out of the bowl of the toilet and the wall where its line is attached, due to the archaic plumbing systems of the decrepit building that our lovely cafe in located in.

All the usual suspects show up- Joe, Wayne, Kelly, to help us get the situation under control. Hilarity ensued. They turned off every water meter they could find on the property, trying to discover the one that supplys water to Mon Cafe. Finally the main is located and the job gets done. Afterwards, on hands and knees, Kelly and Wayne cleaned up the bathroom floor.

Manami and I took pictures for the sake of evidential proof- that yes, sometimes, men will clean the bathroom.

This place cracks me up- i swear, the relationships that have developed, the characters who hang out here- its unreal. i love it.

Manami read my "fortune" for me the other day- Japanese astrology, perhaps? She is one of the most adorably animated people i know.

I think i'm going to start writing about individuals here- fictionalize a bit, but try to capture the essence of them.

So many more stories, i need to write them down as they happen. The one thing i am so impressed with about this place- is the sense of community here. It's incredible.

I'm happy today. Feel like maybe the clouds are parting a little. It nice, and needed.

A Few More...

Labor Day at the Cafe.

A little narcissistic? maybe. but with my sister? always hilarious. what a nut job. sucks to be laboring on this fine Labor Day but not so bad when it's with the Hoonster.

Oh man.

So i was looking at a qoutations page, reading some inspiring stuff and looking up those Gandhi quotes when i found this.

"I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up."
-Tom Lehrer


so funny.

Note to Self...

...read more about/by Gandhi.

"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?"
-from "Non-Violence in Peace and War"


"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."

Ronery...

....I'm so ronery.

What a weird day. Felt very dreamlike. Only not those euphoric, transcending the waking reality dreams...more like those being pushed around by unforseeable forces please wake me up now kind of dreams. Feeling very, nowhere. in-between. disoriented, perhaps?

Reguritated Forest Writing...perhaps to post the Original later.

dance this holy dance
with your arms spread wide
to welcome all experiences
as lessons
valuable and good

dance this holy dance
with compassion
and loving eyes
accepting those you meet
purely in the context of
themselves

Listen, listen.
to the trees, bending so as not to break
to the ocean, constant and changing
to the river, never flowing against itself
smoothing obstacles with patience and time

Listen, listen.
to the honking of horns
the screeching of brakes
the bumping stereos,
understanding that we could not appreciate the one
without the other
and that perhaps
what we perceive as disjointed dissonance
is in fact glorious harmony-

dance this holy dance
with joy in your soul
and laughter in your mouth
fears gathered
like so many children at your feet-
wrap your arms around them,
so they know that you
are there,
send them your kindness
and understanding,
and they will disappear.

dance this holy dance
as only you can-
and the whole of creation
will be forever
grateful
for the aspect
of divinity
that you reveal.

I Want to Do Something Beautiful.

And i'm not sure What that means yet.
with Who.
When.
How.
and all those other defining questions that have been persistent and unanswerable, haunting.

i feel like i am in the midst of giving birth to my Self- heaving and laboring to somehow knit together my experiences, my passions, the very core of me- into a Woman of unified purpose and a Life of love, compassion, and balance.

i feel also that i have ceased to speak the same language. not with everyone, but with many.

at times i catch a glimpse of it- all that could be. dreams of community, lavender fields, bees, music, art, and a sustainable way of living. these days are wonderful.
other times, i feel incompetent, incapable, and do not dare to hope that such things could come to pass. those days are me, at my lowest.

i think morale will improve when i am done working in Danville- i have had some encouraging turn around with the kids (ie: i'm not crying on my way home anymore) but the atmosphere can de very draining, even depressing.

a huge part too, i think is that i am in pieces- pieces still working towards the Whole. How do i integrate all that i love? all whom i love, may be the greater question.

its interesting- i will be overwhelmed by all those questions and then i take a step back and look at myself- and laugh til the tears come.

how ridiculous.
what is this all about here, despairing or dreaming???

c'mon rach, lighten up.

TOO THROUGH.

ugh.

Question

Anyone know how to fix bikes??

PEOPLE!!!

This may be a little late to post, BUT-

My buddy (and now roommate) Earl J. Rivard is playing tonight at the Pyramid Alehouse in Walnut Creek. He will be playing from 6:30-9pm. The Alehouse has great food, beer, and a beautiful patio/garden area where Earl J. will be playing.

Earl is AMAZING and if you can't make it this time around, i will be posting his upcoming shows very soon.
In order to get gigs like this he needs to pull a crowd- so coming out would not only be a good time, but also support for his beautiful music and livelihood.

Love and Thanks-

No Longer

give me mountains
give me trees
ocean waves crashing
sunlight caressing
give me fiery winds
and lightening storms
cool quiet breezes
rivers
and canyons

all these things remind me
that i am connected
that i am loved
and that things are simple

i think
sometimes theology
is just an exercise in ego
to the extremes we take it-
we've God figured out down to the letter
to the law
and after we've all made our points
we're more divided than before

The Magic of Children

Fiona, the youngest, greets me this morning with a big hug and seats herself on my lap. She leans in and smells me, "Did you take a showah today?"
"Yes," I reply.

"You smell like butterflies."

So Much Lately

So very much.
Again, from Life has arisen teachers and opportunities- synchronystic in nature and completely relevent to the issue at hand, which has been the grieving of my Uncle Joe.
It was something i suppressed when he died, almost three years ago now. At the time, there were some other major issues i was dealing with, and it would have overwhelmed me to feel it and go through it then.
But now, being in such a better place, it seems to have come up, very gently- asking for permission to be seen and felt.
And i have consented, finally.

One of the opportunities that arose was going to go see "The Man of la Mancha" at the S.F. Playhouse. This was my Uncle's favorite show, a mirror of his life in many ways. I ended up going with my dad, which was more wonderful than i could have imagined.

Healing within healing, circle within circle.

Needless to say i spent almost the entire play with tears streaming down my face in tides (waves, rivers, oceans, gushing geysers of grief- your choice). I had my dad on one side and a dear friend on the other. It was so good to sit next to my Pops and hold his hand- he was very sweet.

The whole night i felt like i was able to see my dad through the eyes of love and compassion. I saw him wholly- who he is, who he wants to be, and maybe a little bit of why. It was beautiful.

The next night, i got a message from him on my voicemail- and just started crying. His voice was loving and so tender. so, so tender. I felt like it was the voice i had been waiting to hear my whole life.

Healing within healing, circle within circle.
Ever widening, ever deepening.

I am so grateful.

Hmm.

some friends and i just recently started a writing group, and being both busy and used to not much technological connecion with folks, i have found myself blogging less and less.
feeling a little torn as to whether i will continue or not.

Anyone, Anyone?

Anyone out there have a small(ish) round kitchen table they are trying to get rid of?

What, Who, and How.

what is it exactly to re-create or re-imagine that which already exists? to make it one's own, right? to find a way in which it resonates with your innermost being, Who-You-Are inherently?

that is beautiful. but for it to become a missional work- isn't that the same thing the evangelicals are doing??
and to re-create the language that is used in this new context...and to have it become "THE" language, set of terms, way in which things are spoken of and understood...isn't that the same as any other organized establishment?

also, when does gathering and discussing move into action and living? or is that all intertwined? really i don't think talk is worth a damn thing.

do you think the study and discussion of theology could be defined as attempting to understand God through the intellect?

i wonder.
all just questions- i don't assume to know much.

"Follow" by Richie Havens

Let the river rock you like a cradle
Climb to the treetops, child, if you're able
Let your hands tie a knot across the table.
Come and touch the things you cannot feel-

And close your fingertips and fly where I can't hold you
Let the sun-rain fall and let the dewy clouds enfold you
And maybe you can sing to me the words I just told you,
If all the things you feel ain't what they seem.
And don't mind me 'cuz I ain't nothin' but a dream.

The mocking bird sings each different song
Each song has wings - they won't stay long.
Do those who hear think he's doing wrong?
While the church bell tolls its one-note song
And the school bell is tinkling to the throng.
Come here where your ears cannot hear-

And close your eyes, child, and listen to what I'll tell you
Follow in the darkest night the sounds that may impel you
And the song that I am singing may disturb or serve to quell you
If all the sounds you hear ain't what they seem,
Then don't mind me 'cuz I ain't nothin' but a dream

The rising smell of fresh-cut grass
Smothered cities choke and yell with fuming gas
I hold some grapes up to the sun
And their flavor breaks upon my tongue.
With eager tongues we taste our strife
And fill our lungs with seas of life.
Come taste and smell the waters of our time-

And close your lips, child, so softly I might kiss you,
Let your flower perfume out and let the winds caress you.
As I walk through the garden, I am hoping I don't miss you
If all the things you taste ain't what they seem,
Then don't mind me 'cos I ain't nothin' but a dream .

The sun and moon both arise
And we'll see them soon through days and nights
But now silver leaves are mirrors, bring delights.
And the colors of your eyes are fiery bright,
While darkness blinds the skies with all its light.
Come see where your eyes cannot see.

And close your eyes, child, and look at what I'll show you;
Let your mind go reeling out and let the breezes blow you,
And maybe when we meet then suddenly I will know you.
If all the things you see ain't what they seem-
Then don't mind me 'cuz I ain't nothin' but a dream .

And you can follow-
And you can follow-
follow...

Hmmmm.

So i know that a large part of the "having issues" here has to do with me wanting to run away from challenge. I feel like i am doing some really important (inner) work right now, some really major stuff. and its a little scary.

and a lot exhausting.

do you ever feel like, "Okay Life, i'm gonna take a little break now, just a breather, and i'll be back soon..."? i've been thinking about that the last couple of days. i feel like the last year has been lesson after lesson after lesson- forgiveness, healing, growth, challenges-- don't get me wrong, all good things. Amazing actually. i just feel tired now. like my soul-mind-body-spirit needs a little cat nap. you know, just maybe 'rest my eyes' for a few minutes.

so, this is where the resistance comes in, you know? i am feeling a little depleted too. its hard to face deep personal challenges when you feel like you JUST got done with the last one and you really don't know if there is any strength left in your tank.

the other part though is feeling like i don't fit in, feeling isolated and not relating to the culture and society around me. Life in New Mexico was a lot closer to the earth- more grounded and slower paced.

switching gears, almost.

i read this letter to the editor today in Danville's local newspaper complaining about a local charity group that feeds those who are hungry (lunches/dinner, groceries, etc.), i think its called "Fishes and Loaves" or something. The jerk who wrote this letter had an issue with all the "undesirable people" it was bringing to the neighborhood.

wow.

i found myself RAGING (inwardly) about the injustices of the distribution of wealth in this country (and in the world, really) and how some people can live so completely removed from the suffering of others- like this guy. how dare those poor people come and taint his neighborhood- he shouldn't have to see them or hear them, or even know they exist. he actually called them "dirty" in his letter.

furious, completely disgusted, and feeling helpless i drove around Danville blaring all the anti-war, anti-corporate, social justice Ani Difranco songs i could think of. borderline ridiculous, i know, but what else could i really do??
this place really wears on me.

anyway- more thoughts later, i guess. i just wanted to expound upon what i wrote the other day. gonna go pick up my girls and play in the park.
sandcastles and silliness sounds like a good remedy to me.

Breathe In, Breathe Out.

Since i have been home i have been really bad at getting in touch with people, and haven't really gotten together with anyone- please don't take it personally.
I am having ISSUES.

i feel homesick and restless and overwhelmed. at least once a day i have daydream fantasies of packing a bag, grabbing my guitar and without telling anyone- just TAKE OFF. drive away, alone.

that's not normal, right?

i absolutely and completely adore the children i am working with, but the city they live in sucks the life out of me- i feel like i am shrinking...though, i am holding my own here better than i was when i left, i guess thats good.

i'm not sure i fit in here anymore. this is really rough.

I'm BaaaAAAaaack.

Hey All-
i made it back to the bay area in one piece! (mostly). It only took two and a half days on a Greyhound bus! (NOT something i recommend to anyone who values the health of their back or their sanity). It was quite the experience.
whew. anyway.

I went to my sister's graduation last night- CONGRATS HOONIE! to anyone who knows and loves (how could you not?) the Hoonster- she has a blog now!! check out her link to the right....

moving back to the "big city" has been quite an adjustment, but i'm doing alright. to any around i'm planning on a SC beach trip on Friday......who's in?!?!? hit me up- email or you can call my parents house to get ahold of me.

love to all- and more writing later.
peace.

huele de lluvia.

the smell of rain.

this afternoon is deeply melancholy. the sky is overcast and the rainfall started a little while ago- too light to be exhilarating, too heavy to be out in it. The trees seem weary of the bounce-back between thunderstorms and sunshine.

this afternoon, i can relate.

do you ever have those days when you're down, feeling grey, with no real reason? i mean, it wasn't an exceptionally exciting day, but it wasn't that bad either. its just this middleground, inbetween, BLAH.

i think maybe its more internal than external, but then, where is it coming from internally? maybe it's a little bit of anxiety mixed with sadness. and a touch of apathy.

i don't consider myself an apathetic person by any means...but you know that feeling when you have a lot to do, prepare, think about, and yet no time to do it until tomorrow? that kind of feeling- kind of stuck or waiting or something.

Acceptance.

"Be faithful to that which exists within yourself." -Andre Gide.

Something I Need To Say.

Papa, I am your daughter.

But i am more than that too.

I am a Woman
whose Heart speaks louder than
anything your discouragement
can say.

And She tells me
that happiness is more important than
some illusionary American dream.
that your support and understanding
is not worth my misery.
that Life is abundant
and my Mother will provide-
that money is not the end-all or controller
of my destiny and dreams.

And i will return to the place of my birth
different
and more grown than before,
as i come into my Self
and claim my Womanhood
for my own.

Mama forgive me for any distancing i must do
or have done,
please understand, it was never To you.
a necessary step in my path,
my journey towards
Me.
I adore you with all my heart-
honoring the Wild Woman in you
that has always nurtured
the Wild Woman
in me.

and Papa please understand, if you can find it
within you to do so-
that i am not your little girl anymore.

and that i cannot be anyone
but Me.

and i simply cannot search any longer for my self worth
in your approval or words-
and please know that my wandering feet
and searching soul
are not made
for the paths
that you have known.

So, here i am
slightly brokenhearted
and struggling,
knowing that the rock and hard place
i find myself between-
are neither one for me.
so i will slip out
quietly
and find some place
in the shade of my Creator's trees,
dig my toes in deep
and breathe.

This is Me.
Aqui Soy.
the daughter of my father's rage
and my mother's forgotten dreams.
i am not perfect
nor pretend to be,
but i do hold me to the highest
standard of Me.

and i will grow
and i will break
i will rise from the dust of my ashes
with a Phoenix cry-
i will stumble
i will reach, soar, fly.

and even if i fail
by this world's standards or my father's
at least i will not have ignored
the Voice within me.

"Flying Blind"...Written Last Tuesday

Sitting, listening to a a song that my friend Rachel and her mom Celeste wrote and sing together.

"My heart is trying to find its way home." Beautiful.

I haven't written much lately. I've been working and spending time with friends, Mouna, Tommy's family, and Myself. I have been feeling like i have been myself more and more- i am wearing shoes as little as possible, just to feel the Earth beneath my feet. The mud and dirt between my toes. Grounding myself to this beautiful Earth. I have been writing more, working on my jewelry, climbing, and hiking, playing guitar, praying, meditating. Singing, always singing.

I played an open mic last night at the Taos Inn and felt really good about it. I completely lost myself in the last song, and wasn't nervous or even entirely aware of everyone else there. Tommy said it was the best he ever heard me play it. It felt good to lose myself in the music i was creating.

As i come more into Myself, expressing who i am through different mediums and avenues, i have found that i fear what people may think of me when i return to California. I feel like i have changed so much in this time spent here. The love and respect of people i love is important to me- i can only hope that those who truly love me back home will respect the truths of my heart and love the woman they see.

i have become more aware of aspects of myself that i want to see change- fear, anger, places in me that do not reflect compassion and love. We always have more to learn, more to heal. i want my presence to be one of peace and sanctuary for others- radiating Love and Compassion. i cannot be or do this if i am not centered and grounded and peaceful within myself.

As the time comes closer to my return to California, i find myself moving into a place of transition again, not quite here, not quite there- pondering my time spent here, and planning (to some extent) the rest of my stay. I feel that the Snow Mansion, Mouna, and this place in general, are not quite through with me yet. I think i will be returning once more sometime in the future, for a stay. We'll see.

There are many thing i will miss about Taos, the mountains, the Rio, the fresh air and slower pace of Life. I will miss all the people i have met and loved at the hostel, Tommy's family, as well as the community of the Native American church and the frequent opportunities to go to Meetings.

I think about the Life i will create for myself back home- the pace, the luxuries of a car and phone (or not?), friendships i will pursue, how i will cultivate a lifestyle that reflects what i have learned and is healthy for me- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. i am excited.

Singing to la Madre Luna.

Soy una Nina salvaje
una Mujer silvestre
Soy una Nina salvaje
mis Abuelas viven en Mi

Soy la Hermana de las nubes
aprendia a compartir
Soy la Hija del oceano
y Toda esta Vivo en Mi
Toda esta Vivo en Mi.


Tonight I am wondering. in a state of wonder. at the beauty in and of this Life.
I am grateful for all the Women of strength and dignity and ancient wisdom in my Life.
I am thankful for all the Men in my Life who embrace a masculinity of compassion and consideration.
I am amazed, astounded, and humbled.

Gracias Maheo, PachaMama, Abuela. Gracias por mi Vida.

Mouna

So, I've decided to start quoting Mouna, because she is brilliant and hysterical. Or maybe brilliantly hysterical. Hysterically brilliant? Anyway-
I'm not sure if her energy and tone will come across through the medium of blog, but imagine a wild-grey-haired woman who almost dances as she talks. She almost audibly hums with energy. It is so crazy. When she speaks, its as if every sentence was the most profound exciting statement.

The scene.
Outside my cabin, Mouna is watering a small herb garden. My neighbor, Lisa and I are listening as Mouna explains what is growing and the medicinal qualities of each herb.
As this is happening, Lisa discovers an ant colony which has made its home outside our cabins, on the edge of the garden.
This is the conversation that ensues...

Lisa: "Is it a good thing to have the ant colony so close to the herbs?"

Mouna, as she immediately begins dousing the small anthill with the hose, exclaims:
"Chile!! They don't like water and they don't like chile!"

Mouna continues, "And we don't want them so close to the garden. No.
That would go in the 'No, No, NO!' category!!"

The Juicy Pulp; written while in CA.

From Madeleine L'Engle's "Glimpses of Grace."- entitled, Enjoying God.
The scene: "In the Portuguese convent, Joaquina is an overly pious nun, and Mother Escolastica is one of the senior nuns. Mariana is playing with some of the convent children. At the time of this story, the middle of the 17th century, Portugal was still struggling to win her freedom from Spain."

The refectory rang with unaccustomed laughter.
Sister Joaquina, unable to share the pleasure, was saying, "I'm not sure it's a good idea."
Beatriz directed her clear gaze at Joaquina. "What? Being free of Spain?"
"Counting buttons."
-What? Mother Escolastica, sitting across from the younger nuns, focused her dark old eyes, still bright as beads on Joaquina's pasty face. Did the young nun, like Sister Maria de Assuncao, suffer from dyspepsia? Her diet should be checked. Why should a casual remark from silly little Michaela on the brightness of the buttons on the French soldier's jackets be made into an issue?
Joaquina, overly fond of mortifications, took the driest, hardest crust from the bread tray. "It keeps our minds from the contemplation of inward visions."
Mariana burst into such a peal of laughter that all heads in the refectory turned in her direction.
Joaquina flushed, "What's so funny?"

"Forgive me," Mariana said quickly as she reached for an orange and began to peel it. "I wasn't laughing at you. You're quite right. I should spend more time, as you do, worrying about saving my soul, but i can't seem to do it, because surely I cannot save my soul. Only God can do that. And when i see-" she looked out the long, open windows to the garden, "-the way the evening sun is touching the flowers right now- or when i look at this orange, look at the brilliance of its color and smell the sharpness of its scent-isn't that as much a vision of God as anything we see inwardly?"

"I don't know," Joaquina said flatly. She looked across the table at Mother Escolastica. "I don't mean to criticize, Mother, but there's something wrong with it."
"With what, child?"
"The way Sister Mariana looks out the window at the flowers, and the way she enjoys that orange."
"Well?"
"She enjoys it too much."
Mariana's mouth was full of juicy pulp. "Aren't we supposed to?"


I think often times people forget that this world around us is created for us to enjoy and care for. Many feel that everything exists in extremes- God is good, we are bad. Heaven is holy, the World is evil. So what is created is this huge chasm- this separateness. (Do we forget that God is IN us? That everything we see is in fact His&Her divine handiwork??) With this division, is created a great deal of fear- fear of contamination, of damnation, of becoming too invested in "this world", etc.
And, instead of cultivating healthy habits and attitudes about balance and healthy limits for oneself, people choose to pull away in fear, reject all of it, and judge and condemn others who enjoy the simple and sensual of Life. Mariana poses her question- "Isn't that as much a vision of God as anything we see inwardly?" yes, YES.

And her other statement, "I should spend more time...worrying about saving my soul, but i can't seem to do it, because surely I cannot save my soul. Only God can do that."
In the past i have felt this deeply, with great shame. Until I realized that i know so many who live every day in constant analysis and questioning of their "salvation" or their "calling" or what they are "supposed" to do- and i simply cannot do that.
If your head is cloudy and overcast you tend to miss the sunshine and the way it looks shining on the flowers.
you MISS it.
that moment of your life GONE FOREVER. i am not willing to do that anymore.
Life is not that serious and gloomy, and neither is God.
I think God has given us this creation- in all its terrible beauty- to simply enjoy. This world is beautiful and sacred because of the God that created it. Amen.

The Saturday inBetween.

Yesterday was Good Friday, tomorrow Easter- El Dia de la Resureccion.

My family is in Mexico, or will be soon, and will be spending Easter with my family there. I am supremely happy for them, and very jealous. I miss them all so much.
I heard about a little church here that has a 7:00 service in the morning- entirely in Spanish. i think i will make my way there. I deeply miss my Mexican family and the church there and hearing prayer on Easter morning in Espanol, would be divine.

Thinking about Easter, and it's deeper symbolic meanings...From darkness into Light, from death into Life. A rebirth of sorts. At least for those of us living, here, now. Thinking about the ways in which i want to live my life and the way i want to love. Choosing not to despair, not because there is no sorrow, but because this Life is precious and beautiful and sacred. Saturday, the day inbetween, is always the darkest. Like those last few hours before morning.
But the light always comes, Life always comes. I am seeing this acted out in nature all around me, the snow is melting, the buds on the trees have begun to open. When i open my eyes in the morning, the birds are outside singing songs of the Spring to come.
We are never in darkness forever.

I thank God this day for all of Creation, for every living thing, for each person i encounter, know, love. And those whom i haven't met, and might not ever. Living at the hostel, i meet people from all walks of Life, every background imaginable, every path taken unique. And it is BEAUTIFUL. breaktakingly so. We are a pathwork quilt of Humanity- all living together and connecting with each other, helping each other. I am continually amazed at how fragile people are- how delicate and tender we all are underneath, inside. It has deepened my respect for people and their experiences. We can learn from everyone we interact with, if we see them through eyes of humility. if we allow them to teach us.

And today especially, i think about God's mercy and lovingkindness. And i think that God, outside of all our constructed boxes, is Eternal and perfect Compassion.
And that we have no idea what that really means.

I condemn no one. I have no place.
Rather, i try to greet every human being as the exquisite creation that they are. And see where God's scuplting fingers left imprints in the clay.

This inbetween Saturday,
May you be Blessed
to know sorrow,
so that when the Joy comes
you will recognize it
and leap into it's arms.

May you be Blessed
to know darkness,
so that when the dawn
peeks it's head over
the last few remaining stars,
you will dance
with anticipation
and utter abandonment
into the Light of morning.

May you be Blessed
to know winter,
it harsh cold
and heavy silence,
it's frost on your heart-
so that,
when the buds of new growth
sprout
you will not complain
of the pain of transformation,
but instead sing out
with newfound Joy and gratitude-
as all the frost melts away
and you find yourself
to be more
Alive
than ever before.

On this Saturday inBetween,
May you be Blessed.

Off for the Weekend....

just finished up my work for the week and i am headed down to Taos!

thought 1.
wondering about being really and truly genuine, and what that means. Social interaction can be a funny thing- what is the balance? when do you speak up and say exactly what you think and/or feel, and when do you smile and nod and look for the nearest exit??
also, motivations. sometimes people say something that is so utterly transparent it almost hurts. do you ignore the "hidden" intent? do you call them out on it??
what is polite anyway?

thought 2.
where are all the women?!? the testosterone here is becoming a little suffocating...

Moving Day.

the shuffle setting
is sending me back
in my memory
as old Ani albums fill my head,
and i smile slowly
as i think back
on all the roads
i have traveled
that have converged, here,
on this spot.

as i move my things
from dorm to cabin,
i realize how much i have with me-
luxurious, actually, this living
on the road,
and i think back to "home"-
my things in boxes there.

when i get back
i think i will throw it all out.

it's funny
having space that is my own
again,
it's been a long time.
all my nesting tendencies
come back full force
as i lay what few
decoration-like things
i have with me
out on the bare hardwood
shelving.

a white cat makes herself
at home on my bedding,
snuggling in
and i feel like doing the same.


i have been loving living in community with people here- sharing kitchens and bathrooms and showers- even sharing the dorm room with a couple other women. The community cooking that sometimes happens and the community eating that always happens have both been wonderful.
And yet, having this small space to myself is going to be a good thing, i can feel it. the introvert in me is grateful. the extrovert in me is feeling full and satisfied.

i am so glad to be here. what growth and learning is happening...

Tommy.

I am so incredibly blessed to be loved the way i am. I think maybe we get what we need, which is sometimes more than what we deserve.

Conversation,
me: "you've done something for me that no one has..."
him: "what's that?"
me: "you've given me grace and set me free from something."
him: "what is Love if not that?"



humbled, am i
broken and snot-nosed
eyes swollen from crying
begging forgiveness
for the way that i am,
have been.

fighting deeply
for what i love,
for you, my Love-
battling my demons
from the
inside out,
Love chooses me
and has broken down all my doors-

i am unspeakably vulnerable,
and deeply yours.

te amo con todo mi corazon...el hogar de mi corazon es en el tuyo.
te adoro- no tengo las palabras que pueden explicarlo. mi amor le pido a Dios que nunca me dejes, y que siempre estes contento y feliz en tu vida. vivimos en nuestros corazones. siempre.
perdoname, por favor.

Monday Adventures

I have been staying up at the Snow Mansion a little under a week now, and it has been incredible. I have been getting up early and exploring the surrounding area- which is so beautiful, i cannot believe it. Went rock climbing with a group of people i met at the hostel when i first got here and hiked up to these waterfalls yesterday. There was a storm a couple of days ago, so it was a bit snowy and sometimes slushy, but the falls were swollen from the melting snow and rainfall- and was breathtaking.

Just getting up and being in my body- challenging it physically has been so good. This is the kind of exercise i like!! Climbing rocks, hiking, exploring- all the while with just incredibly beautiful nature around me, surrounding me. Such a blessing to be here.

There is a large cast of characters at the Mansion- so many beautiful, funny, quirky people. Many of them searching for something- home, love, themselves. It has been so wonderful spending time with them. My dorm-mate, Sharon and i stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking about Education, children, our lives, God and religion, the feminine wound. Just so many people put in my path, whom i can learn from and speak with from the heart.

I only have to work two days a week there, so i have a lot of free time, which i have been using wonderfully- playing guitar, helping Mouna, planting vegetables in the garden, reading, writing, getting closer to people.

So beautiful.

I can feel myself creating new patterns, feeling better about myself and my body, falling more and more in love with people and Life. The natural woman in me is coming out and is loving it!

Have to go now, Natalie, Hamza, Tommy, and i are going out to be in the sunshine and play frisbee and go explore the area around the hotsprings on the Rio Grande. Good to have them visiting and good to be going outside to play!

All my love to those who are not near me now...

Meeting.

Last night I had a vision,
that God opened me up like a piece of fruit and cleaned out all the
rotted parts inside.
When I asked, about all those parts and all the people who had caused
the wounds, the rotting,
She told me, "Don't be angry with them, for they
do not yet understand."

And with those words all the empty, carved out spaces filled with Her
Love and Compassion.

Today.

So much has happened. I am in a much better place now. That last blog was a bit disheartening, i know.

I spent the latter part of this week watching the "kids"- Tommy's little brother and sister, Austin and Hope. They are such amazing children. Lifegiving- their presence was so refreshing and joyous.

I am in the process of redefining productivity and keeping perspective. Lightening up a little bit. Having the kids around really helped that. Watching them observe and experience the world around them with wonder and awe reminded me.

simply that, reminded me.

Last night I had a conversation in which i reacted really strongly to something that was said- almost shockingly so. When that sort of thing happens i really have to look at the deeper issue-and i have realized that there is a part of me, that is deeply and inherently feminine, and is wounded.

Somehow i knew before this trip, that this would be about my Womanhood. Just as I knew last trip that it would be about healing myself and my relationship to/with my Dad. It is interesting to me, that this has arisen. Now, here. And that there is a Meeting this weekend for Ladonna, Tommy's sister.

There are things that have happened to me in my Life, perpetrated by men or circumstances, that happened because I am a Woman. Simply that, no other reason. Things that could not, or would not have happened to a man. And i have begun to realize that i am angry and i am really, really deeply hurt by that. And that it is good just to say that. And that now, i know, healing will come. Because we cannot heal what we do not admit has wounded us.

It is good for me to realize that i do not need to stress and worry about what i am DOING necessarily, or what job i am going to land, but rather, inner work, and BECOMING, and healing. This is more important.

Argh.

Frustrated with myself today. Have so many amazing books to be reading and i cannot focus on any of them.
I did go up to Arroyo Seco in pursuit of some work, but the woman i needed to talk to wasn't there.
So, back to Taos and an unproductive afternoon.
Wondering what will come up or if i need to go out and pursue....and what balance is a good one. I have the nagging feeling that i am not living out my days to the fullest, that i am not soaking it up enough or something. and then i recognize that i am looking to the pursuit of work to do that, which is a load of crap- like this dependence on the selling of my labor in order to feel productive.
yikes. that's a cultural/societal thing that i do not want any part of.

much more free time means much more discipline is needed. the discipline to get my butt out of bed and practice my guitar and study theory and chord progression and find a good yoga class and write and READ and retain and help others however i can...and and and and!

some reprogramming or resituating is necessary here.
argh.
i wish there was some social work out here i could get into...most everything is retail or food service...which i have NO issue or judgement about, i am just needing something...else.

i know this is passing, that Mouna will call me and have something for me to help her with, and that spending time at the Snow Mansion will be rewarding and good. i just don't want to slip into passivity or any form of laziness because it makes me crazy!!!

feeling pulled in a lot of different directions internally, feeling like i am still going through the fire and being refined and changed and thrown into all sorts of lessons to learn.

which is good, and i am thankful for.
i'm just frustrated today.

and missing folks.

Quick Update

Sorry about the lack of posting...been having technological issues. my apologies. :)
the previous post was something i wrote when i first got here.

Went snowboarding yesterday, which was a BLAST- i love the feeling of the mountain beneath me and the cold wind hitting my face, it is so exhilarating. such a beautiful day. i am paying for it though...i am unbelievably sore today. :)

The landscape here is so beautiful, breathtakingly so. I was driving back from Santa Fe to Taos today and came over this small ridge and caught a view of the entire Taos valley- from the depths of the Rio Grande gorge to the heights if the Sangre de Cristo mountain range. Amazing. I recommend to anyone who has the ability to travel to come to New Mexico, especially to Taos. The way the light hits things here is magical.

more later...my love to all.

Taos in February.

spilt-milk skies
overhead
clouds like i have never seen
the desolate beauty of this place
astounds me
once again.

it feels like i never left
and the red-hued earth
welcomes me
with open arms
the snow capped mountains
embrace me
from all sides
of the landscape.

laughing until the point of tears
wrapping words
around our tongues
metaphors and puns
and paddling them
back and forth
like ping-pong balls
across the space
of eternity
and the center consul
between us in the car-
such joy.

and i can't shake the feeling
of being
exactly where i'm meant to be
at exactly this moment
this journey
of coming into my Self...
as Woman.

Hmmmm

my spirit does not seem to fit within
my skin
this morning-
no, she is skipping
running jumping
flying out the door and up into the sky-
she is high and spinning
from life's ecstasy.

Existence
is enough of a reason
for joy to spill out of my being-
and today
my spirit dances
all over the coffee shop
and giggles shyly when
someone
catches
her eye.

i am a million miles away
and yet so present
that the Moment is
glaring with such clarity,
it makes my eyes water.

i am bouncing tumbling
spinning off in a thousand different directions
and i am here,
with you
talking about, well, nothing really-
but enjoying each other and
the twinkle in our eyes
the blasphemous and holy-
laughter
bounds out of me-
i can't help it.

i am endless-
boundless
infinite,
expanding ever wider
with a heart that has been
broken open enough
to let everyone in...
i am in love with Love
with existence
with the blessing
to be here today,

to be,
at all.

Okay, better now.

This morning was so grey and rainy. Makes the coffee shop feel real cozy though, i like that.

(sidenote of possible interest to other word-nerds like me:)
Did you know that you can spell the word grey, correctly, with either an "a" or an "e"...isn't that cool? i usually spell it with the "e" becuase it looks more, well, grey.

Please excuse my rambling- i have been working for too many days in a row and find myself in a slightly delirious state. My work is incredible though, i get to meet so many different people with such a wide range of stories and life experience...i come here, make lattes, and learn.
It is really, very beautiful.
The other day it occurred to me that i should be recording these episodes and interactions and sharing them with others. Maybe a book full of them...who knows? It is one thing that continues to amaze me every day of my life- how incredibly complex and beautiful people are. And how you never know someone's story until you ask, and they let you in.
We are so wonderfully intricate and fragile and strong.

Missing loved ones near and far, feeling rather inbetween today. But, i will be headed to Santa Cruz to see my dear, sweet Natalie- which i am very thankful for.

this is kind of one of those blogs that aren't really about anything- and for that i apologize.
blame it on the lack of sleep.

oh man.

why does it feel so EARLY this morning??????
working.
sleepy.
more to come.
brain not fully functioning yet.

Come Out Into the Light

"Sex scandal pastor says after therapy, he's heterosexual"

The title of this San Francisco Chronicle article caught my eye. I don't know how many are familiar with the Ted Haggard story. The short of it? ...He was the senior pastor of a church in Colorado, as well as the president of the National Association of Evangelicals. Then last fall, when he began to promote a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage, a man named Michael Jones came forward and exposed their 3 year affair.
Rev. Haggard, who is married, was "ousted by the overseers" of his church last November, and has apparently been in counseling/therapy in Phoenix.
For three weeks.

He wrote in an email to members of the church that his three weeks of counseling in Phoenix have felt like, "three years' worth of analysis and treatment," and that, "Jesus is starting to put me back together."
Another reverend from the church, Tim Ralph "told the Denver Post that Haggard had come out of the counseling convinced of his heterosexuality." Ralph went on to say,"He is completely heterosexual." Saying also that Haggard's "homosexual behavior had not been a 'constant thing.'"

The highlight of the article for me, was the input of Dr. Jack Drescher, a psychiatrist from New York who specializes and is considered an expert in the studies/issues of gender and sexuality. Dr. Drescher said, "while it was people's prerogative to identify their sexual orientation as they wanted, the notion of being able to change that orientation was 'not consistent with clinical presentations, but totally consistent with theological belief.' "
He continues, "Some people in the community that Haggard comes from believe homosexuality is a form of behavior, a sinful form of behavior based on certain things in the Bible, and they don't believe you can create a healthy identity based on sinful behavior. ...So they define it as a behavior that can be changed, and there is this thinking that if you control those behaviors enough, heterosexual attractions will follow."

The article is ended with a comment from the Rev. Tim Ralph that he had shared with the Denver Post- that the overseers of Haggard's church "had recommended to Haggard that he take up secular work."


So much here.
First of all, what a huge rejection and repulsion from Haggard's community, his church. That is really sad to me, that they wouldn't surround him and support him and love him during this time in his life amidst all the judgement that is falling on him. That is huge. And a huge issue within the traditional Christian church, i think. When people "fall by the wayside"- whether merely the perception of others or actual hard times, there is a withdrawal, a distance that is, i feel, deliberately created. As though they are no longer deserving of your full interaction, connection, and love, or that their "sinfulness" might rub off on you.
Where is the understanding of Grace? Of the fact that none of us are perfect, and no one is worse than the other? Forgiveness?? interesting.

Another issue that arises for me is Haggard's hypocrisy. And what of Michael Jones? First of all, props to him for outing his lover who was sharing his bed, and then preaching the evils of homosexuality and publicly supporting a discriminatory and unconstitutional amendment. Secondly, the poor man. He must feel such a sense of betrayal. To prevent any further damage to his position and reputation in the Christian world, Ted Haggard (whom he had been intimate with for three years), cast him and all consideration for him aside , completely disregarding his feelings and his humanity and reducing him to a sinful act, a bad choice made, some sort of depravity that requires therapy to resolve. wow.
And the real issue here isn't the details of this specific case that was brought to the public's attention. The deeper issue is that this is not a rare occurrence, an isolated event. We are trading honesty and reality for hypocrisy.

Something else that this brought up for me was the human ability to define terms and create definitions for everything imaginable. By doing this, in essence, we have the ability to create our own realities...the laws and terms by which we live. The trouble is, groups and sects, (and major religions) can all create contradicting, differing definitions whose collisions can be disastrous.
I don't think that homosexuality is a "form of behavior" and i don't think that changing your behavior changes your sexual orientation; in fact, i know it doesn't.

And yes, you can change your behavior- who you date for example. And i know many who have. They believe that it is against God to fall in love with and pursue someone of the same physical sex and so, they break up. They stay single. They pray harder. Does this mean that their interest and attraction to people of the same physical sex just go away?? No. And does this mean that they will fall in love with and be physically and sexually attracted to someone of the opposite physical sex? In some cases, maybe. In most, probably not. In some, never.

I think we are all broken and beautiful people. I think if we could all just be HONEST with each other and be open about who we really are, we would all be so much better off. We could all let our bellies hang out and laugh together and realize that we are the same. And judgement would stop, because we would realize that we are what we're judging. I think that there are so many people in the church today that are hiding. And, metaphorically speaking, i think we all need to come out.

letting go for good.

always
different versions
of me.

the woman i am now
looks back upon
the girl who followed you around
unsteady and wobbly
like a toddler
depending on men to feed me
like a baby
i needed a hand to hold
and guide me
and i thought maybe that
it was only i,
at the time.

but now i have a clearer view
and i can see
that it wasn't only me
who was acting out ancient archetypal roles
that had been lived out
centuries before we ever existed
and played out incessantly
throughout both our childhoods.

i am learning now the weight of my words
and their inherent value-
ideas denied me for most of my young life
so hear this now,
if nothing else:

Listen. LISTEN.
and find value in everyone
and what they say-
not just the individuals
who interest you (for you)
it is the greatest kindness
you
will ever
do.

and pride will fall
and break
into a thousand different pieces
like a plate
shattered upon the ground-
my anger flares
at things long passed
words whose ring still echo
in my wounded places.
and so i violently reject
all thoughts of shame
and regret,
i throw "ideal" out the window
into the street
with the trash and the shit
where it
belongs.

please do not mistake
my words for judgement-
that you are not more like me
it is merely a grieving,
and a vow
that i will never again allow
myself to love a man
who wants to
change me.

Who is James Thurber?!?

...i need to do some research!! i like a lot of what this guys is saying....hmmm. who is he?


A few quotes i found this morning.

"All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why."

"Discussion in America means dissent."

"Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy, and dead."

"Laughter need not be cut out of anything, since it improves everything."

"The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people- that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature."

"There is something about a poet which leads us to believe that he died, in many cases, as long as 20 years before his birth."

"Unless artists can remember what it was to be a little boy, they are only half complete as artist and as man."

and some of my favorites...

"Love is what you've been through with somebody."


"Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility."


"I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get
somewhere."


"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."


"Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness."


"Progress was all right. Only it went on too long."


"Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more."


"There are two kinds of light- the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures."

Sigh.

Thoughts from the Mon Cafe this afternoon...

1) Men should never, NEVER make women feel uncomfortable- ESPECIALLY in their place of work. It is not okay.
You men out there-- show every woman the respect you would show your own mother.

2) If someone is stealing your tips, and you know they are stealing, and you choose not to say anything, then in essence you are giving them your tips, and it is okay.

3) Glen Smallman is the coolest.

4) Treat everyone with kindness. (Unless they fall under the category of number one.)


thats all for now, i think. it has been an interesting day...haha. it always is here.

Had a phone conversation with little Miss Fiona last night. some random quotes...

"My sisters twist my legs! and sometimes...Brianna hits me so hard...like a tiger!"

"But i am a strong kicker...(laughing)...i am very powerful!!"

...and so many more. oh man, that child is such a joy to me. i am going to see them the begining of next week...i can't wait. :)

Rhythms.

i wrap myself
in the arms of Love,
and snuggle in close to her breast.
my impatience forgotten
in a moment,
as the Spirit moves me
words begin to flow
and i am cradled in metaphors
warmed by a similie's smile
commas and apostrophes
fly past me,
terms of endeavor and endearment
evolve in my pen's tip
and spill out onto the page-
my Beloved, be near me.
my Beloved, be near.

my mind dances away
even now
spinning off on tangents
that do not yet have words
to express them,
that hold little significance
and have no context
in the daily meanderings
that fill my hours.
i ponder human nature as i
fill up
latte cups
and share a smile.

i warm myself
by the light of Love,
and my impatience falls away.

my Beloved, be near me.
my Beloved, be near.

Oh man...

This is why Dave is the best.

Ponderings.

it's that kind of day when the morning simply fades into the afternoon, without even realizing it.
an inbetween kind of day.
i am, once again, at work, but with a lot on my mind today. i read a friend's blog recently that has put me in a bit of a whirlwind...the question he posed- what do you put your faith in?
now, there are easy, one-line, slightly homogenized answers, but these don't do it for me.
to put into words, what one puts faith in...not so easy i have found.
but certainly interesting food for thought.

i have been feeling a little out of place lately. knowing i need to be here, for now, but feeling the pull of the path ahead of me. some days i am content and learning, others i let it slip and i just feel stagnant. letting go of the latter, holding onto the better days. not being too hard on myself.

wondering about the "age group" i find myself in. many of my male friendships have changed over the last year or so...i think that people are looking for meaningful relationships at this time in their life. so much growing we all have to do. very hard, but very beautiful.

i have had "lessons", shall we say? :) placed in my life right now, and i am learning patience and compassion. ever deepening. i have found myself giveway into these lessons, and not resist what may be difficult and sometimes even stressful to learn.

compassion is a beautiful, beautiful thing. it is so grace-full and life-giving.

missing my family- which has grown exponentially...here, mexico, new mexico, virginia, australia. wonderful to have family all over the world, a little hard to not have them all near.

had a conversation with Dave, more than once i believe, about how wonderful it would be to have all the people you love in one place, even if just for a day.

feeling thoughtful, peaceful, and quiet today- love and Paz to all.

The Great River

We have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour.
Now you must go back and tell the people that this is The Hour.
And there are things to be considered.
Where are you living? What are you doing? What are your relationships? Are you in the right relation? Where is your water?
Know your garden.

It is time to speak your truth: Create your community.
Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for the leader: This could be a good time!
There is a river flowing now very fast.
It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold onto the shore.
They will feel they are being torn apart and they will suffer greatly.
Know the river has its destination.

The elders say we must let go of the shore, and push off into the river, keep our eyes open, and our head above the water. See who is in there and celebrate. At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally. Least of all ourselves.
For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves!
Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that you do now must be done in a sacred manner... and in celebration.

We are the ones we've been waiting for...

"The Great River" - The Elders, Hopi Nation, Oraibi, Arizona

Family Dinner. and then a drive.

the headlights in my rearview mirror
illuminate the shadows
of my heart
and i recognize
the common threads that run
through us all,
we are wounded creatures
and our deep fragility
moves me to compassion.
compassion.

compassion.

and in this, my broken places
i find space in my heart
for all of humanity
and realize that i am no more guilty
and no more innocent,
no greater
or any less
than anyone else living here,
on this earth.

we are all in need of kindness
and tender care
from one another,
and while i admit, my heart rages at injustice-
i must remind her
of our very humanness
that connects us at the core.

A Little Sad

and i don't know why
i choose
to think of it
as the wind that passes over me
as the rain that streams down my face
an ocean wave that laps at the shore
and then is gone again.
a moment, is all.

i let it wash over me
and roll off my body
i do not hold it
or grasp it
but let it go by
in it's time
as it will.

and i chalk it up to a long day at work
in a string of a weeks' long days at work
and that is all.

letting go
letting go
remembering that my hands are empty
and open
and my heart is overflowing.

Estoy Feliz!

...my Tommy is coming today!!!!

RANTING DOESN'T EVEN HELP.

I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW I COULD CRY. I HONESTLY FEEL LIKE I HAVE MET THE MAN THAT COULD, ALONE, GET ME TO ABONDON THE CONVENTIONAL CHRISTIAN CHURCH COMPLETELY, ALTOGETHER, FOREVER.

I AM SO COMPLETELY FRUSTRATED AND DISGUSTED and i try to remember compassion and i try not to judge others, because i would ask the same of them...BUT I SWEAR...to, to, to SOMEBODY THAT THIS MAN EMBODIES EVERYTHING I HAVE COME TO DESPISE ABOUT FUNDAMENTAL AMERICAN CHRISTIANITY.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO WITH THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

IT JUST MAKES ME SO ANGRY. i have been an angry person in the past, which with God's help and healing i have overcome in so many ways. but THIS guy, what he stands for, how he treats people, how he IS for goodness'sake make me sick. i mean, really, just sick.
and really, REALLY angry.

i have had to deal with him in the past and i think it is just better for my mental and spiritual health that i don't ever again. EVER.

UGH. UGH. UGH.

as i write this i am literally shaking. i cannot frickin believe it. i hate that just reading a stupid email from him can make me this angry. i do not like that it has that much power over me.

but AHHHHHHHHHHH i can't shake it.
jeez.
Jesus. .....right????!?!?!?!?!? this man is so faR AWAY FROM ANYTHING I WOULD EVER WANT TO BE LIKE. and not that i have to be like this guy or even look to him as an example, but the point is that A LOT of people, young people, look to him and he is so completely full of shit.

holy crap. i have to go.

Coming Home to Me.

restlessness and peace coexist
in my soul
this afternoon.

i am content and resting
loving the people around me wholeheartedly
as they give me so much joy,
and i make their coffee.
we are laughing and sharing in each other's lives...
a community, a family, sometimes
perfect strangers teasing each other
into a smile.

and my soul rejoices in life's simplicity-
even while pondering it's complexity.

and still
i can feel the road calling me
the wind whispers my name-
and the Spirit and my heart converse.
the sangre de cristo mountains and winter storms
will frame my next major life lesson
and as the snow melts into spring i will be
transforming
as well.
the sound of a beating drum and rattle will be my soundtrack
and the piano will sift me from my dreams.

Just Trying to Get This to Work!!!!

Miss Fiona Pants.

Buenos Dias

Me siento que tengo mucho que quiero decir, pero no tengo las palabras este manana. Mi alma esta llena de muchas cosas..gozo, tristeza. pero mas del gozo. :)

La extrano a mi familia en Mexicali. Los quiero muchisimo. Los extrano.
Ayer, mire a los fotos de mi viaje y pense..."TooorrIIIIIto!" Fue un tiempo bien hermoso. Aprendi mucho y me cambio. No soy la misma persona. Pienso, veo diferente y quiero vivir diferente...cada dia mas y mas. Es dificil esto, porque hay mucho aqui que no cambio, y por eso a veces mi corazon esta luchando. Cosas que hice en el pasado que no quiero continuar--maneras de vivir. me entiendes???

no, no me entientes. alguien, posible...un or dos...muchos no. esta bien. siempre estoy hablando con mi Diosito en espanol...me hace feliz, esto. lo extrano el campo enfrente de la casa, y las estrellas tan bonitas y tan claras.

ya me voy. estoy "trabajando" en el cafe ahorita. esta bien tranquilo. me gusta.

See you soon.

Last night some friends and i went to a gathering for my dear friend Shannon, or Shannoncita. :) She will be moving to go to school, which i think is going to be absolutely FANTASTIC for her...new environment, new experiences, away from the fam and her hometown...however, while i am incredibly happy for her, it also makes me very sad.
She was playing for us last night, a few of her songs. When she plays, she cannot help but be vulnerable and let her very soul shine through...and it is breathtaking. i mean, really.

As i was watching her play, i was overwhelmed with appreciation for her heart and her friendship. What a beautiful, beautiful woman. What a loved person and a wonderful friend.

We will miss you Shan.

Go play in the snow and wear flasher jackets, and warm people's hearts with your beautiful music. and study hard, and make new crazy friends who will sing rounds of songs in pirate voices. and write your old friends.
live fully, each moment, learn from every experience. laugh so hard you almost pee a little bit. love deeply and without fear.

i love you so much, and i am so grateful to know you.

Repose.

Is it possible that my boys only left a day and a half ago?? it already seems like ages....they are sorely missed at my house. and the cafe. :)

This morning, the coffee shop is full of noise but my soul is quiet.

How nice.

Sometimes, this is just true.

It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them.

-Dame Rose Macauley

Live Music!!!

MUSIC TONIGHT!
At the one and only Mon Cafe, located on Manor Blvd. in San Leandro. Friends of the Mon Cafe family, visiting Virginians, myself, and an Aussie-boy will be playing the gih-tar and singing it up!

Come and Listen!! Buy Coffee! (Or Tea!!) Support local music!!

From the Back Room of Mon Cafe

Feeling frustrated this afternoon. Like i need to go for a run, and then go home and paint, and then play guitar all night.

yes, i think then i might feel better.

Something feels pent up and i can't quite put my finger on it. I am thinking a lot about perspective this afternoon- there is a family at my work who throws my family life (now and previous) into some major perspective-check. i wish my sister could know them and understand as well. also read an excerpt from a to-be-published book that was talking about how much the lense we chose to look at our lives through colors and affects the way the we live. and also our past and how we relate it to others. interesting.

i know my perspective on my "story" has changed so much.

well, back to cleaning for me. i have found that i much prefer opening to closing. which is pretty indicative of me...i love to start things, find it harder to follow through.
or maybe i'm reading too much into that.
maybe it's just that i hate mopping.

First Pay Day

Today i recieved my first pay check in 3 months. I must admit it feels good to be back at work. The money i am earning is getting me steps closer to my goal, that feels good too.
Interesting how my spending habits have changed, the distinction between wants and needs. My experiences have caused a change in my attitude about money. A good thing.
I have more to say...but it's not quite ripe yet. :)

Morning to Myself.

Took some much needed "me" time this morning. I had been planning on going to the coast, but the weather was ugly (for driving) and so I went to a local coffeeshop and sat and read and wrote and listened to delicious music. It was wonderful. Solitary time is something my soul needs.

My house is full of music. The boys are writing new songs. It is so wonderful to not be the only musician around- to be able to listen to others and enjoy.


Usually this time of year the weather depresses me- rain and grey. But today i am finding it quite lovely- it's putting me in a creative mood. I think i will do some painting and beading this afternoon.

Theme song for today? "Paper and Ink" by Tracy Chapman.

UGH.

People who talk about immigrants with such disdain make me sick to my stomach. There is a sense of entitlement and arrogance that is unbelievable. What ever gave us the notion that because we were born in the richest country in the world that we deserve or have more rights than any other human being??

Come back and talk to me when you have had the experience of not being able to feed your children.

Visiting Home.

pieces of my life
flit and float
drifting through my head
different shades
and colors
like the fall's left-over leaves
that have gathered together
in piles
to keep out the cold
and loneliness.

i wonder if they miss the tree.

what is life for?

feeling a little conflicted tonight.
is seeking your own happiness a selfish endeavor?

Funny...that.

so as i was uploading those photos the program i was using decided to close. twice. i threw up my hands in frustration and walked away from the computer to avoid doing the violent damage to it that i was so tempted to do. ugh. anyway-
another try soon. :)

cooked dinner tonight! new and exciting things that i am learning. (grin)
Tommy's stepdad is an amazing cook and he has decided to take me under his wing while i am here. My dear friend Natalie is coming to visit us on Friday. i will be very happy to see her! it's been too long.

my time is coming to a close here in New Mexico. which makes me sad. really, really sad. but it is a bittersweet thing- i will be headed back to California soon to see famiy and friends. whom i miss very much.

can't wait to see the Mon Cafe crew as well! ....hopefully i have a job! haha.

oh. and Mom, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. i am sorry that i am not there to celebrate with you. i love you always.

Ensenada pictures....finally!

This Moment

i am sitting in a coffee shop
with a warm mug to my left,
there is a man improving on some jazz tune
at the piano in front of me.
the sun is shining in through the windows
in that beautiful autumn way that it does,
and it has just started to snow.

can life be any more beautiful than this?

Maheo, mi Diosito.

We just got back from Oklahoma last night. Some highlights...

First time in both Texas and Oklahoma.

While driving through Texas we saw an enormous monument on the side of the freeway. It was a a huge white cross, and at the base were statues of armed soldiers carrying their own crosses. YIKES. i mean, really. i couldn't believe it.

Eating Indian "fry-bread" for the first time. yum.

Listening to mixed CDs with James Brown, Otis Redding, Taj Mahal, and Bob Dylan.



The purpose of our trip was to honor and celebrate the life of my loved one's Uncle who passed away. I participated in a traditional Cheyenne meeting, which was more beautiful than i can begin to describe. Such a beautiful way of worshipping God. We prayed all night for the family, each other, and ourselves. It resonated with me more deeply than any church service has in a long time. So much healing happening.

I am so grateful for my time here and everything that i am learning.

I have two more weeks here and then i will be back in the bay area to see family and friends. Missing you all and sending you my deepest love-

Frickin' Cold.

it is getting ready to snoOow- (said in sing-song voice).

very exciting.

and (see title).

Be Still and Know that I Am...

in stillness
i hear all the subtle movements around me.
God whispering
in the raspy dancing of leaves
the sweet singing
of a wooden wind chime
and the deep hum
of the earth.

I am
I am
I am

in quiet
i find my rest.
my God
i will sit in silence and wait.
i will be here
be present
and Alive
giving thanks for every moment
and every space
i find myself in.

Happy Thanksgiving, the Cheyenne way.

As i write this the sound of a drum and rattle are pulsating through the house, accompanied by the sound of voices singing in an ancient language.

it is so beautiful and foreign and familiar. the beat of the drum-- the steady rhythm is grounding and resonates somewhere deep within me.

Voices praising God.

i witness the handiwork of God this night- the broken bits of families coming together in hope and forgiveness and love. Truly beautiful.

I am thankful.

Autonomy.

alone.
within myself,
in this,
my place in the world.

i hold hands with my loneliness
and make peace with him.

i am learning
to be alone
and what better place than this-
Taos.
where the surrounding mountains
make you feel small
and the air so cold this time of year
that you want to turn
inside yourself
to keep warm.

desolate beauty
-i am-
learning
all the lessons i have avoided
in my life.

and i can't blame anyone
can't shake my fists
and beg
plead for another
answer.

it is this
i am
and Now

alone.
inside myself
i dig deeply-
because if it isn't here,
it won't be found.

What day is it?

Still feeling a bit disoriented. Time, day, location- that sort of thing. But it is also deeper reaching than that.
This morning i have the house to myself, well almost. Jack and Vinny, the cats, are keeping me company. it is very peaceful, nice time for recuperation and reflection. the only thing that worries my mind a bit is the beginning of a crack beneath the neck of my guitar.
damn airline.
or maybe it was the climate change. my poor baby...she's been through a lot with me on this trip.

looking forward to playing some coffeeshops here. i went to one yesterday that was SO incredibly cool. (cool??? what kind of adjective is that?!? i think maybe my english vocab has diminshed a bit...i am currently speaking an interesting blend of ingles y espanol).

spoke to my family on the phone last night- it was so good to hear their voices...so good to speak in spanish with them. made me a little homesick for Mexicali.

i am VERY excited about Thanksgiving. i didn't even remember that it was happening until i reached the states and Jenelle mentioned it. I asked her, "oh yeah....when IS that?" "Thursday." "YESSSSSSSSSSSSS." i have to admit that Thanksgiving is probably my all time favorite holiday. Eating, rejoicing together, talking, praying, laughing, eating, eating, eating....

yum.

New Mexico is interesting- i've never seen terrain quite like it. VERY different than california. Very different than anywhere i've been actually. Beautiful. There is no snow yet, but it is FREEZING at night. During the day it is just cold enough for the tip of your nose to hurt a bit, and your cheeks to sting. But actually, i have been enjoying bundling up. there is something very comfortable about layers of warmth. kind of like walking around in bed all day long.

most of the buildings here are made of adobe. which i LOVE. it's grainy and warm feeling- there are no hard lines or exact 90 degree angles- very comforting. everything is rounded and feels softer and more natural. less harsh.

i think i have come to the conclusion that the "city life" is not for me. i need dirt and green and a slower pace. and while i do love to spend time in a large metropolis...the buzz, the hum, the energy- it is not a good place for me to live for too long. it kind of drains me. being closer to the natural energizes me- i connect with God so naturally, easily, beautifully through Her creation. His pulse is almost tangible here.

on my journey from SD to NM there was major issues at the airport and my flights had to be redirected, rebooked, and the like. i was waiting on standby for most of the day. surprisingly, i wasn't frustrated much at all, or worried. i just waited. my trip has taught me so much about that.
because of all the rebooking and waiting i got to meet some very interesting people- Keith, who was headed to Idaho to visit family for the holidays. i played my guitar for him, and we began to talk about Grace and God and the American Church and where we have missed it. We talked openly and personally for about 2 hours.

Then i met Steve and his "mate" (forgive me friend my memory has misplaced your name)- two wonderful Aussies who were traveling to NM to visit old friends. They were great. :) reminded me of my dear friend Androo, another crazy Aussie man whom i love dearly! Steve said "Shockah!" and "Good Work!" and i thought of my dear Andrick. Beautiful connections in LAX. If i ever want to travel to Melbourne, Australia, i now have a place to stay.

Sending my love to all those in the States that i have not seen for so long! My love to all of you- i think about you all tons and tons.
For those of the praying persuasion- pray for my health- lots of little things, nothing life threatening.
Again, my deepest love to all of you.

things i am learning...
this moment is all i have.
God is all i have.
and for these reasons i do not fret myself with things i could not possibly know the answer to or outcome of.
i rest in this day because it is all i know and all i have.
because of this... moments stretch out before me for what seems like eternity. i savor each one.

This Life is so beautiful.

Vive. Disfruta. Espera.

huele de lluvia

(written while en Mexico...)

the air is cool and humid
the night is fresca
humming
and pulsing
with the energy
of all us together
in the same house
laughing

i walk barefoot
and wriggle my toes
in the dust
as if i could soak it
all up-
and set down
roots
grow out of the tierra
here
en el pais de mi corazon
la familia de mi ser

with dirty feet
i walk to the room
which has become mine

shouting and laughing
mis hermanos
are stumbling and bumping
into each other
laughter wracks the room
and we are all sprawled out-
Lupita is wheezing
Tannya with tears streaming
down her face
Alan giggling
and i am on the floor
face pressed into the tiles

voy a extranarlos
mas que puedo espresar.

the cricket on my pillow
waits to sing
me to sleep
but Pita and i are
talking until the
small hours of the day
again

and i am enamored-
enamorada,
with everything around me.

So Much to Say...

I am in San Diego.

I feel out of place, alien.

I miss the sounds, the smells, the sights and people of Mexico.

Wondering what God has for me in New Mexico.

so much has happened, i feel like i don't even know where to begin. i talked to my dad on the phone today....it was the best conversation we've ever had.
what is happening in my life???
pictures to share and video too....coming soon.

love to all. keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Oh! And...

Don´t worry mom, we´ll be safe. :) i love you.

Ensenada! Tan linda!!

We are going to Ensenada for the weekend!! Very exciting. Lupita, Javi, Arturo, Sochi, Carina, and i are piling into a van and headed out tonight.... stars, friends, and guitars and singing around a fire...on the beach!! what more could a girl ask for??

that is one of my favorite things in the whole world. i am so blessed to be here, this moment.

Como Puedo Decirle?

Life is precious. So, so precious.
and delicate.

New Song...Una Cancion Nueva

i don't know what to think tonight
but i think that maybe thats alright
i don't know which path to take
or if they're all one and the same-
and i
have two loves, i have two lives
two parts of the same being
that don't seem to collide-
don't seem to reconcile...

And i am hanging by a thread
from everything i've ever KNOWN
and i am holding on as tightly as i can-
WITH OPEN HANDS.

i walk these streets unpaved and dusty
i see the people struggling just to survive-
how is it that i have learned of abundance and generosity
in the poorest place i've ever lived?
and how it is it that we have so much
and yet so little to give??
and i
have two lives, two different worlds
though only a border apart-
they don't seem to collide
don't seem to reconcile...

And i am hanging by a thread
from everything i've ever WANTED
and i am holding on as tightly as i can-
WITH OPEN HANDS.

i am learning every day not to expect
but to accept and love whatever comes my way,
and i know that when i leave this place
i will never be the same-
something is changing, something's shifted
and i see the world as never before...
and i
i have two eyes, i have two hands
one corazon and one path ahead-
how will my life collide?
how will it reconcile?

And i am hanging by a thread
from everything i've ever BEEN
and i am holding on as tightly as i can-
WITH OPEN HANDS,
with open hands,
WITH OPEN HANDS.

Mexicali

i love this place
the tierra
beneath my feet
that creeps under doors and into everything.

i love the sounds
the whistles, the laughter
the loud music with bass blaring
shaking the streets
and the windows in their panes
"heeey--lupe!"
"mamacita!"
and all the shouting of the school kids
as they walk home in the
afternoon sun

i love the various stinks and smells
of this place
the burning trash
the aroma of comida tan sabrosa
being cooked by loving hands
their smells wafting out into the street
and making my mouth
water

i love the children
beautiful and brown
with laughing eyes
and sometimes scowls
their skin delicious shades of
caramel
chocolate
and coffee.
i wish i could embrace them forever
dry all their tears
and make them laugh all day long.
sing them to sleep at night.

my family-
laughing and joking,
hitting and playing
praying together for providence
and mercy
for kindness and strength.
sitting up late nights and talking
about Life.
about everything.
imagine the best conversations of your life-
the most meaningful, the most touching,
all the time.

all the time.

i love this place.
and the people.
and the vividness of it all.
i feel like i am home.

Que Bonita La Vida Es?!? -dice Javi

Estoy aqui en Mexicali- y tan feliz!!! Estoy muy feliz estar con mi familia!! Tengo dos hermanas y un hermanito...que bonito el! Le adoro muchisisimo!!!

I am doing very well. Went a little overboard on my first night (last night) with eating-- comi mucho!!! some friends and i went to "La Fiesta del Sol" and i had mangoes con chile, churros, tacos de carne asada y today i ate pozole for lunch....going back home soon for pastel (homemade chocolate cake!!!!!!) yum!

Life here is so beautiful, such a different pace of living. Family is so important. I LOVE IT! So many beautiful friendships to come i can feel it, i will be very sad when i have to leave them again....but for now i am soaking it up with every fiber of my being!!

this place is a part of me.

Mexicali!!

I made it here, safe and sound. So happy to be surrounded by the language, the food, sounds, smells, people.
Can't write too much tonight....more tomorrow or monday.

My love to all!!

Engaging in Hopeful Activities...

Hello All! I am in San Diego with my good friend, Jenelle. We are off to bed soon...i will spend tomorrow here, most likely at the beach (GRIN.) and then off to Mexico with me on Saturday. i can't wait to see my family!

sad saying goodbye to everyone back home....i am blessed with such incredibly wonderful people in my life.

Ariel, if you are reading this, you are so dear to me. I love you.

My love to all--keep me in thought and prayer as i am off to Mexico soon....

Bush, on "Terrorists"

"If it wasn't the war, they would have found some other excuse. They have ambitions- (pause for effect, snicker)...they kill, in order to achieve their objectives."


...wait a minute.


does it seem to be getting worse to anyone else out there? the hypocracy of the American government, this administration in particular, has reached a new level of ludicracy. to deny that the pre-emptive war in Iraq is NOT a direct cause of increased terrorism in the world- is, is...ridiculous! not to mention that a declassified U.S. Intelligence Report, (Bush's own frickin' Intelligence!!!!!!!) says that it is!!
ugh.
groan.

a quote, from the report, via BBC News:
"We assess that the Iraq jihad is shaping a new generation of terrorist leaders and operatives; perceived jihadist success there would inspire more fighters to continue the struggle elsewhere.
The Iraq conflict has become the "cause celebre" for jihadists, breeding a deep resentment of US involvement in the Muslim world and cultivating supporters for the global jihadist movement."

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. didn't Einstein say that??

sorry to unload my rant upon you all, but i had the news on and heard Bush speaking- contradicting the report from his own government's Intelligence, and i just couldn't swallow it today.

jeez...

had typed up this whole blog- beautifully, if i do say so myself. and something went terribly wrong with this archaic computer, and it has been lost forever. i will try again tomorrow.

it is wicked late and i have to open...ugh.
thank the lord for lattes, caps, and good ol' cups of coffee.

buenas noches a todos... se cuidan. espero y deseo que el amor de Dios los tranquile a todos sus corazones.

Me duele, mi corazon.

...que dolor tengo en mi alma. estoy frustrada- salire en dos semanas exactamente....pero hay mucho que necesito hacer. y le extrano muchisimo.

i was gonna pour out more (in english) but some nights it is just better
to
go
to
bed.

This is Beautiful.

Last night, as I was sleeping,

I dreamt--marvellous error!--

that I had a beehive

here inside my heart.

And the golden bees

were making white combs

and sweet honey

from my old failures.


(-Antionio Machado)

Lazy Sunday Afternoon

What a relaxed, beautiful afternoon. Laid in bed- read, fell asleep, woke up, read some more, fell back asleep, woke up- went outside and played my guitar in the sanctuary of our backyard. It was so wonderful.

I missed out on a barbeque for a dear friend, which makes me sad, but just coming off a short illness- this was just the afternoon i needed.


hey everybody... i want to you all before i leave...ok?
Love to All-

Hey! Come and See!!! ...er Listen!

This Saturday night my amiga, Shannon, will be playing at Mon Cafe- her music is personal, touching, and so incredibly talented. (it breaks me open). Come and hear her play!
Also...
My dear friend Earl John is going to be playing next Saturday, the 23rd, at the coffee house. I will be opening for him and there will be music, friends, and coffee galore!
Earl J. is an amazing guitarist, and his voice is just incredible. Just incredible. (I've blogged about his music before). :)

Anyway, here's the info:

Mon Cafe, 971 Manor Blvd. San Leandro 94579 (510) 895-5282

Shannon and Assorted Baristas: Saturday the 16th, 7pm at Mon Cafe
Earl John Rivard: Saturday the 23rd, 7pm at Mon Cafe

The Most Beautiful Woman in All the World

My Grandmother.

" God is tryin' ta tell you somethin' "

There is this beautiful scene near the end of "The Color Purple," the movie made from Alice Walker's novel, where there is a church service going on and the people out in the old-low-down-n-dirty jazz club hear the music and the woman who was singing the sultry jazz tune stops, and starts singing the lead voice of the gospel song.

She starts striding toward the church, singing at the top of her lungs- all the jazz folk following her and clapping in rhythm, rejoicing. The people of the church hear her voice before she gets to the building, the lead vocalist in the church stops singing, bewildered as to where this voice is coming from. The people of the congregation turn in their chairs, and the preacher just stops and stares as this woman bursts through the doors singing, calling out, "God is tryin' ta tell you somethin', God is tryin' ta tell you somethin', God is tryin' ta tell you somethin' right now!"

This woman was shunned by the church-folk, they didn't want to associate themselves with a woman of "her kind." Even her father, the preacher.

She sings, her face glowing, arms stretched out- calling out at the top of her lungs, tears streaming down her face past the most joyous smile. The church wouldn't open their doors to these people, this woman, so they came storming in.

Doors broken down,
the divisions between "us" and "them"- between the pious preacher and the sensual, soulful singer all crumble away.

"God is tryin' ta tell you somethin'...
God is tryin' ta tell you somethin'
God is tryin' ta tell you somethin' right now..."