On a Much Much Worse Note.

"Wish one of them would come to my house. They'd get a [such and such] gun to the head. I'd make them do a break dance they ain't never seen before."

Somebody* (whom i would like to punch squarely in the nose, but am very consciously and arduously trying to find compassion for) said this at Mon Cafe today.

And that's a direct quote.

The topic of conversation? The recent robberies in the area.



By far the most blatantly RACIST shit i have heard in a long time.
Not to mention so very, VERY ugly.

More Events of Note.

You haven't really lived in a place, until you have had your own personal get-down-dance party in it.
I am happy to say that such an event occurred in a certain Theater Apartment last night.

To Regina Spektor's "On the Radio."

Thank you, Regina. Thank you.

hon.es.ty

Dictionary.com tells me-

1. the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.
2. truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.
3. freedom from deceit or fraud.


American Heritage Dictionary-

1. The quality or condition of being honest; integrity.
2. Truthfulness; sincerity: in all honesty.



"Honesty is a good thing, but it is not profitable to its possessor unless it is kept under control." -Don Marquis (1878-1937)

"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
-George Burns (1896-1996)

"We must make the world honest before we can honestly say to our children that honesty is the best policy."
-George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)


“Honesty is the best policy. If I lose mine honor, I lose myself.”
-William Shakespeare ( 1564-1616)

“If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.”
-Proverb

"Honesty is the cruelest game of all, because not only can you hurt someone- and hurt them to the bone- you can feel self-righteous about it at the same time."
-Dave Von Ronk

"He who is passionate and hasty, is generally honest; it is your cool dissembling hypocrite, of whom you should beware."
-Unknown

"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale."
-Arthur C Clarke (1917-?)

"Honest people are easily deceived."
-Unknown

"Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty."
-Plato

"A true friend will tell you the truth to your face- not behind your back."
-Sasha Azevedo

"How painful are honest words!"
-Job 6:25

"An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips."
-Proverbs 24:26


So, what is it? A kiss on the lips? Or pain and cruelty?
Does a true friend say it to your face? Or do they shutup and sit tight and wait for you to learn your own lesson?
What is more profitable? To tell the truth or refrain? Either way, people are hurt. Which one hurts less and fewer people?

It is when we are lying to ourselves that we react violently to the truth being spoken.

How do we know when to speak and when not to?

If we choose to speak, we can only hope to be heard.

and If we choose to remain silent?

I don't know.

Pure Brilliance.

"I don't know kara-te, but i know kuh-raaazy!"

-James Brown

Events of Note

So, living alone.

Very fun, actually. it's funny the little conversations we have with ourselves, the ones we aren't even aware of most of the time.

First Event of Note: Creative Surge.
I have been super creative. I made this collage for my sister, something i have been meaning to do for a long time. And there is so much more inspiration and ideas just waiting to be birthed!

Second: Pampering- Without Apology!
So, last night I was up doing my thing, when i had the hankering for avocado and hummus with sharp cheddar on black bread toast. And a glass of wine. And dark chocolate. The funny little conversation went something like this-
'But I can't eat that- it's so late! And that's so...so, Luxurious.'
'True, very true. But what's wrong with that??'
'Yeah, what's wrong with that? I'll do it!'

And so, i did. and it was delicious. and it made me feel good. i think we should be good to ourselves like that more and indulge a little in the simplicities that make us feel good.

Also, I've been playing this game with myself. The first time I took a shower at my new place I happened to look up at the shower head to see the acronym, RSA. I have no idea what that actually stands for, but the game I've been playing is this:

When I'm in the shower I think of possible definitions of the acronym and make little declarations in my head, such as-

"Rachell Stands Alone!"
and
"Rachell Secures Autonomy!"

for those of you who might be worried about me, i assure you, this isn't the lonely psychobabble of a woman gone mad,
but rather the inner dialogue of a woman who is enjoying her own company.

The Process of Moving...

as i move through the house,

removing my things

it feels as if i am removing myself

as well,

little by little

gathering myself

back into my arms.

and my boxes are titled

by the content,

full of things

written in coded text

like so many memories

packed up and waiting

for my

next

adventure.

the scratches and chips

on my furniture

tell a history

of quick escapes

and near misses,

of searching

and searching

and searching

for home.

i look at all my shit

fondly,

and remember

people and places,

surprises

excitement

lessons

sorrow and

delight

i re-member myself

from the stories

that they tell.

and i think i'm beginning to like

all that is

bittersweet,

the sweet makes the bitter thicker-

wrapped around my tongue

it tastes like being alive,

while the bitter makes the sweet

just that much richer-

and i savor each moment

here

with you.

Thoughts Today.

If generosity is not extended to everyone, it is not true generosity.

If compassion is not extended to everyone, it is not true compassion.

In no way do i claim to embody the highest understanding of generosity or compassion.

but i think this is what we are here for.   

What is Love if not a spirit of generosity and a deep compassion towards all creatures?

What are we doing here if it is not learning how to Love?

this idea that life is a burden to bear, something to endure, until we die and finally can be happy and have peace is missing it completely.   

We are in the joyous bliss of creation, it's glory permeating everything around us, seeping into every cell.  

We are partaking in the wondrous dance of the cosmos, universe beyond universe beyond our understanding. 

We are God expressing and experiencing, Himself.

(Herself, Itself--that doesn't matter either.)

We have the sacred opportunity to learn how to Love each other, and in doing so, God.

This Time, Last Year.

What a gorgeous day it has been.
Woke up with some yoga and qigong stretches and fed my body a delicious home-made smoothie. Did some light organizational stuff around the house and then went for a barefoot walk in the LIFE-GIVING, INCREDIBLE sunshine that graced us with its presence today.
Ate lunch at this funky little falafel shack with my Love and then walked around Park St. for awhile, doing nothing in particular.
Beautiful, just beautiful.

I was thinking about the time of year we find ourselves in, as winter is giving way to spring; death in to life. And with Good Friday yesterday (also the Full Moon and Spring Equinox) and Easter tomorrow, I thought it might be nice to repost my entry from last year.

here goes.


"Thinking about Easter, and it's deeper symbolic meanings...From darkness into Light, from death into Life. A rebirth of sorts. At least for those of us living, here, now. Thinking about the ways in which i want to live my life and the way i want to love. Choosing not to despair, not because there is no sorrow, but because this Life is precious and beautiful and sacred.
Saturday, the day inbetween, is always the darkest. Like those last few hours before morning.
But the light always comes, Life always comes. I am seeing this acted out in nature all around me, the snow is melting, the buds on the trees have begun to open. When i open my eyes in the morning, the birds are outside singing songs of the Spring to come.
We are never in darkness forever.

I thank God this day for all of Creation, for every living thing, for each person i encounter, know, love. And those whom i haven't met, and might not ever. Living at the hostel, i meet people from all walks of Life, every background imaginable, every path taken unique. And it is BEAUTIFUL. breaktakingly so. We are a pathwork quilt of Humanity- all living together and connecting with each other, helping each other. I am continually amazed at how fragile people are- how delicate and tender we all are underneath, inside. It has deepened my respect for people and their experiences. We can learn from everyone we interact with, if we see them through eyes of humility. if we allow them to teach us.

And today especially, i think about God's mercy and lovingkindness. And i think that God, outside of all our constructed boxes, is Eternal and perfect Compassion.
And that we have no idea what that really means.

I condemn no one. I have no place.
Rather, i try to greet every human being as the exquisite creation that they are. And see where God's scuplting fingers left imprints in the clay.

This inbetween Saturday,
May you be Blessed
to know sorrow,
so that when the Joy comes
you will recognize it
and leap into it's arms.

May you be Blessed
to know darkness,
so that when the dawn
peeks it's head over
the last few remaining stars,
you will dance
with anticipation
and utter abandonment
into the Light of morning.

May you be Blessed
to know winter,
it harsh cold
and heavy silence,
it's frost on your heart-
so that,
when the buds of new growth
sprout
you will not complain
of the pain of transformation,
but instead sing out
with newfound Joy and gratitude-
as all the frost melts away
and you find yourself
to be more
Alive
than ever before.

On this Saturday inBetween,
May you be Blessed."

Moved to Tears.

Barack Obama's speech in Philadelphia.

Gratitude and Inspiration.

i can hear it humming

something good is on its way

i feel a pulse in my chest

my heart pumping out the rhythms

of something ancient

waking up

in me

and when the woman spoke tonight

of circles and centers

something in me smiled

in recognition

at the light burning in her eyes

the joy that emanated from her being

i know that light

it glows

warm

like a candle's flame

like the embers

of a thousand ancient fires

still burning

in me

i can hear it singing

good things are on the way

voices raised united

dancing through darkness

into the dawn.

there is something unspeakably beautiful

about a woman who is fully herself, fully her own

speaking her truth.  

she is vibrant and alive, an embodiment of the Divine.

fully, breathtakingly, Woman.

The paper I am currently writing for my Women's Spirituality class is focused around the issue of anger.   Specifically, Women's anger at the oppression and atrocities that befall us simply because of our gender and how that anger plays out in our spirituality and lives. 

Clarissa Pinkola Estes wrote, 

"Even raw and messy emotions are a form of light, crackling, bursting with energy.  We can use the light of rage in a positive way, in order to see into places we cannot usually see.  ...All emotion, even rage, carries knowledge, insight, what some call enlightenment.  Our rage can, for a time, become our teacher...a thing not to be rid of so fast, but rather something to climb the mountain for, something to personify, learn from, deal with internally, then shape into something useful in the world as a result, or something we let go back down to dust.  In the wild life, rage is not a stand-alone item.  It is a substance waiting for our transformative efforts."

when we are able to do this, when we can transform our rage and anger into compassion,

the effect we will have in the world will be astounding.  

change will come and we will be a force of unimaginable strength.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS

I~ GOT~AN~ APARTMENT!!!!!! THE ~COOLEST~ APARTMENT~ EVER!

Me

family comes in many forms

from many places

i have known such love

shining in so many faces

how many brothers and sister have I

how many mothers and fathers

truly- blessed- am I

truly- blessed- am I

we dwell in separate houses

call upon different names

we worship at different altars

but the Source is the same

how many brothers and sisters have I

how many mothers and fathers

truly- blessed- am I

truly- blessed- am I

Ani

looks like my crazy family

is down one crazy daughter cuz

i'm shipwrecked in a desert that

once was underwater just

looking for a swift turn of phrase

some colors to fly

as i float by

in the parade

plus i dream in skin scented sentences

of a stronger faster fiercer you

and to each noun, verb and predicate

i dedicate a vivid hue

but you ain't done too well

getting past your permanent pastel

have you now?

yes, the desert seemed so promising

and then it paled somehow

so school is in session

get your chin off your desk

now pick up your pencil

and turn over your test

use your education

and take an educated guess

about me

plus i have this whole new family

and i'm in love with each of them

and i'm on this list called lucky

whenever i'm in reach of them

and i'm learning how to say

that i'd be happy either way

with your love

so school is in session

get your chin off your desk

now pick up your pencil

and turn over your test

use your education

and take an educated guess

about me

By the Way..

All credit for that photo is due Colt Bender, an amazing photographer and pretty cool guy.

Also, the title for the post is 1) my personal sentiments of that moment and 2) reference to a Nina Simone song.

Thank you and Good Night.

How I Feel.

Be still, be still.

When human love is limited and even wounding,

the Beloved comes near

and holds me.

Solidaridad.

Solidarity.

Shit.

Check out this story.

Has anyone else noticed a major-crack down on small groups of activists/protesters???

At the No Borders Camp in Calexico there was what can only be described as utter brutality and aggressive, violent force used against a group of peaceful, unarmed protesters.
(PLEASE watch this video, I know it's hard.)

I also heard reports of injuries (requiring hospitalization) at the Anti-War/Anti-Recruitment protest in Berkeley.

If student protests, like the one in Santa Cruz, are being met with this kind of aggression and intimidation tactics, (these people were practically being held hostage in their house all day!!!) then I think it's time to worry. When the official report comes back on that one, don't be surprised if the word "terrorist" gets thrown around. Shit.

The video footage of the police ATTACKING peaceful people in Calexico, is actually, personally, very hard to watch. I met many of those people- they are beautiful, beautiful human beings. The only thing more horrifying than watching it happen, is the fact that NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT IT. I remember coming back into the states and being outraged that no major news network had even MENTIONED it. None of those Border Patrol (La Migra) officers have been chastised or penalized, let alone brought to justice.

For more information and video footage of the Camp, check out their website at:

http://noborderscamp.org/

Burning.

Como vas a quitarle, una Madre de su Hijo?
(How can you take her, a Mother from her Son?)
Como vas a decirle que se tiene que ir?
(How can you tell her that she has to leave?)
Loca es la cultura que confunde esas cosas-
(The culture that confuses these things is Crazy.)
Loca esta cultura- lo hay que decir??
(This culture is crazy- what is there to say?)


It's time to say it loud-
We Have Lost Our Fucking Minds.
you can't tell me that you are proud.
La Migra storms into a crowd-
grabs a mother by the neck.
they tell her she is not allowed
to here remain with her child.

The mother weeps beyond the fence
they have torn her from her son
victims of brutal circumstance
the child was born on hostile land
where they say she can't belong-
how can we understand
a loss so very very wrong?

It's time to build a new Underground Railroad
We can't go on playing deaf and blind
It's time to build a new Underground Railroad
El Rio Grande is the new Mason-Dixon line

"Give me your Tired and your Poor,"
cried the Lady with the torch
and then she Slammed her Iron Door
She built a Wall, she's waging War
fills the Minute Men with glee-
they have their share
but they want more,
Not So Brave and Not So Free

It's time to build a new Underground Railroad
We can't go on playing deaf and blind
It's time to build a new Underground Railroad
El Rio Grande is the new Mason-Dixon Line.

-music and lyrics by: Earl J. Rivard Jr. and Earl J. Rivard III

Help......me.............

Looking for a place, may in fact, make me COMPLETELY INSANE.

I had to hang up on what I had thought to be, possibly, a potential landlord because he not only kept me on the phone for an obscene amount of time by repeatedly asking the same questions over and over, but then asked me if I was "hispanic" because that was what he was "getting from me."
The clincher? He then went on to explain how he is unable to tell any "asian" people apart.

Click.

You gotta be kidding me.

Community as Resource?

If anybody hears or knows of someone who is renting out their place

or of someone who is looking for a roomate...

please let me know!

On Second Thought...

I am going to start seriously investing in educating the boys, the young and grown men that I come into contact with in my Life, about what it means to respect Women.

I going to invest in encouraging all Girls and Women to love and respect themselves and speak up- loud and strong- in the face of injustice, sexism, and misogyny- wherever they are found. 

A Moment in A Woman's Life

Ok. I am going to be really real for a moment here.


I just entered the Library, where I am working. I am here early to meet my mom and print out a paper for my class. As I am approaching the front doors, heavy-laden with a book-bag, purse, and jacket, I notice a small group of boys hanging out by the cafe in front. At this time of day, with a jr. high right down the street, it is not uncommon for there to be large groups of pre-teens hanging out in and in front of the library. Not studying mind you, just hanging out.

As I am struggling to make it to the front door without dropping either my book bag or my purse, or both, this group of boys grows quiet. Quiet until one of them calls out, loud enough for the surrounding people to hear,

"Nice titties."

My heart dropped to my stomach. I'm thinking, you gotta be kidding me, right? I know a 12 year old boy did not just publicly disrespect me, a full grown woman. Not like that.
I felt that old familiar shame rising up from my belly, hot and cold at the same time. I could feel my face warm and my eyes, though covered in sunglasses, were glaring. I stopped and looked at these boys, and asked them straight out-

"Would you talk to your Sister that way?
Would you talk to your Mama like that?"

They stared and were silent, one boy protesting his innocence- obviously ashamed. I gathered my things and what was left of my somewhat shattered dignity and walked inside.

I had dressed up today, wearing a form-fitting yet classy shirt. A change from the "baggy-rags" i have been adorning myself with of late. It figures.

Seriously considering investing in some potato sacks.

Ugh.

i think i'm done gunnin' to get closer

to some imagined bliss

i gotta knuckle down

just be ok with this

gotta knuckle down

just be ok with this

'course that star struck girl

is already someone i miss

Just Breathe.

condemned from public space

i sing

in the words from another's mouth

raging guitar

and pulsing bass

are not enough to calm me

today

i gotta tighten down on the lag time

Survivors are part turtle

we are part potato bug

we know enough to go fetal

til its still up above-

cause you gotta crawl through the desert

between when you can hear it

and when you can play it with your hands,

just a rendezvous with

whoever you are 

when you finally understand

i gotta tighten down on the lag time.

can't sit still

can't bring myself to breathe the air

of this shared space-

studying stones

trying to learn to be less alive

i've cut all of the pertinent wires

so my eyes can't make their connection

i am holding my breath

feigning my death

when i'm looking in your direction

cause Numb is an old hat

old as my oldest memories

its a skill 

i'd hoped to abandon 

when i got out on the open road-

there's never been an endeavor

so strange

as trying to slow the blood in my veins

to keep my face blank

as a stone that just sank

until not a ripple remains.

and welcome to:

this year's Alone

brought to you 

by valentine's day

it's not ok

i'm trying to make it so

but it's not ok

welcome to:

something like elation

when you first open your eyes

cause it means

you must have finally

got to sleep

last night

and today

i just can't play along.

i paint my face with blacks

and browns

a mask to the world

and a notice to myself:

i am not going to cry.

i am not going to cry.

i am not going to cry.

i am not going to cry.

Meister Eckhart and Rumi

It is a Lie

It is a lie- any talk of God

that does not 

comfort

you.

Rumi, Pay Homage

If God said,

"Rumi, pay homage to everything

that has helped you

enter my

arms,"

there would not be one experience of my life,

not one thought, not one feeling,

not any act, I

would not

bow

to.

So...

...today was a rough day.

Sometimes they just are, I guess.
Sigh.
Anyway, I found these quotes online and they made me smile, so i thought i would post them.


"Those who dance are thought to be quite insane by those who cannot hear music."
Maggie Erotokritou

"Re-examine all you have been told... Dismiss what insults your Soul."
Walt Whitman

I particularly like the last one, reminds me of a poem by Rumi which i will have to find and post.

I am taking a class. It feels really good. I didn't realize how much I had missed the academic world until recently. I am EXCITED about having projects due and assigned reading....yes, i said it, EXCITED. It's crazy. Perhaps I am ready to go back...

it certainly doesn't hurt that the class is "Women's Spirituality"...!

Truth is, i've never had a problem studying things that are of great interest to me--its the general-education-repeating-the-last-two-years-of-high-school bullshit that i can't stand. In all honesty, i only have one, at MOST, two semesters left to complete at community college, which i think i could blaze through with the prospect of ACTUALLY studying what I am interested in so very close.

Its funny, because as i talk to people about this, i get a couple of different responses, one of them being something like this, " PHEW! Great! Finally gonna get back on track with your life!" I mean, obviously this is not explicitedly said, but there is a distinct feeling of relief on their part.
It's very strange.

I look back over the last few years of my Life and i can honestly say that i have done MORE work during this time period of not being in school than i have ever done- in my whole Life.

More healing, more searching, transforming, and growing than at any other time in my Life. These years have been absolutely invaluable and i wouldn't go back and change anything, not one thing. I am a different person, and i am more Whole.

Also, i have a clearer idea of what my path might be, what pulls at my heart, what makes me more ALIVE than anything else...what my gifts are- and definitely what i do NOT want to do, or be, or have in my Life.

This Great Rush that our society is in has really swept by me and I am glad to watch it go. I think everyone here should be required to spend at least 3 months outside this country and then come back in, for some perspective. Or at least some culture shock. When i came back into California after my time in Mexico, we drove about 2-3 miles in towards San Diego and i was ready to jump out of a moving vehicle and make a run for it...

Something that has been coming up a lot recently:
**(to be read in the most utterly ridiculous grandiose voice you can muster, and with a little swagger, please.)**


"The Way Things Are~"


I refuse to go along with things simply because "This is The Way Things Are." ...what a crock of shit that is. Things are the way they are becuase we have made them that way. AND continue to do so, every day.

More and more lately the words of Gandhi have been echoing around in my head-

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

Honestly, I don't know what this all means for my Life- what it will look like. But that's okay right now. I just know in my heart that i have a life work ahead of me that i am being prepared for now- and that it's probably going to look crazy to most people, and that i will never make any money doing it. But that's okay, too.

I just want to Love God
and Love People,

and that's it.

I Wonder as I Wander out Under the Stars...

How do i begin to explain all of these things to you?

People whom i love and care about, people whom i honor and respect?

How do i begin to let you in on this Incredible Journey i have been on?  That i am still on, learning and growing everyday?

Many of you think i have "fallen away"- or become "lost" or some other term from the Christian language used to explain why i do not walk through those front doors on Sunday mornings and sit dutifully for an hour or so, listening.

How can i explain that which is known by no one but my innermost being?

How do i give words to that which is Unnameable?

How do i share these, the most precious treasures of my heart, without inviting debate or argument?

How do show you that i don't mean to change anyone's mind, that i am merely asking for the space to be?

Babel

i hold eternity

like a drop of water in my palm,

whole unto itself

i can hear it's fragile song-

it whispers sweetly

like the sound of the wind in the trees

all of Creation

suddenly seems to sing...

that

every Step, every Breath-

like a pebble on the Road,

and 

every Road, every Path

leads us Home-

call Him by any name

or even call It, She

hail from any nation

under any creed,

how arrogant to reinvent

God

in our own image

it only serves to build walls

fuels hatred and division-

Krishna Buddha Jesu Cristo

Pachamama Maheo

Mi Diosito Yahweh Jah

Goddess Holy One

yeah, Babel has fallen and we're all callin'

out the same name

in different tongues...

and

in the same way that every ray

leads to the sun-

in the same way that every stream

flows towards the sea-

every Step, every Breath

like a pebble on the Road

and

every Road, every Path

will lead us Home,

leads us Home.

Women Who Run With the Wolves

"The creation Mother is always also the Death Mother and vice versa. Because of this dual nature, or double-tasking, the great work before us is to learn to understand what around and about us and what within us must live, and what must die. Our work is to apprehend the timing of both; to allow what must die to die, and what must live to live." (p.32)


"What must I give more death to today, in order to generate more life? What do I know should die, but am hesitant to allow to do so? What must die in me in order for me to love? What not-beauty do I fear? Of what use is the power of the not-beautiful to me today? What should die today? What should live? What life am I afraid to give birth to? If not now, when?" (p.159)


-Clarissa Pinkola Estes

New Job

Literacy is a gift, a privilege even, that I take for granted.

What is more powerful than being able to express yourself?

And yet, maybe even that is wrong thinking...What thought is more powerful to a person who cannot read- that they will be able to be self-sufficient, independent, and empowered??

Or that they will be able to "express themselves"?  

Maybe it's the same.  Either way, what an incredibly powerful thing- Literacy.  

What a gift.

I read something tonight that nearly broke my heart.  Due to confidentiality issues, I am unsure of how much I can and cannot share here.  What I will say is that it made my heart ache in a way that it hasn't for a long time.   

This work is one of the most important things I have ever done.  

And work is not work when it is DEEPLY meaningful and is changing peoples' lives.

I am so grateful to have this opportunity.  Wow.

RANT. CAUTION: Do NOT Read If Easily Offended.

Ok. Probably not the best note to return on, but I'm being Real.

Today I am extremely pissy.

Yes, I said it. Pissy.

As in Agitated, Irritated, Annoyed, Frustrated, and generally Pissed Off.

Why?  Because I am Tired.  Both in the Physical-Didn't-Get-Enough-Sleep-Last-Night sense and the How-Much-Can-I-Really-Take sense.

I am SO Tired of Christian rhetoric. Language that doesn't mean ANYTHING in the real world.

I am Tired of the Judgement, the Disappointment, the Deep Lack of Compassion and Understanding that I have experienced both from individual Christians and the Church.

I am Tired of the Hypocrisy. (Not "Nobody's perfect" Stuff- but DEEP Hypocrisy that contradicts Jesus' Message at the CORE.)

I am Tired of Debates and Discussions with People who are already Decided, completely shut off, NOT listening, and unable to discuss any ideas that differ from their own because they are scared shitless.

I am TIRED.

All I want is Respect.  

Respect for my Experience of God and of Life. 

Respect for my thoughts and feelings.  

Respect for my Choice to not be involved in the Christian Church because I find it harmful to my Relationship with God and to my Relationship with Myself as a Woman.

I have Complete Respect for those who find their Way to God within the Christian Church.

I think that their Faith is Beautiful and Good.

All I want is the Same Returned.

Holy Shite.

What a ridiculous few weeks it has been.
I say ridiculous only because i cannot believe how much has happened in such a relatively short time.
Have come to some hard truths in the last few weeks, some of them concerning relationships in my life. For those of you who know me well you know that i am a deeply relational person- and when things aren't well, i'm not well.

i have also come to some incredibly beautiful realizations, too. Life changing, perspective altering realizations.

Then there's Mexico...jaja. I am leaving tomorrow evening on a Greyhound bus. Wow.
I will be participating in a demonstration for human rights and the free movement of all people. I am scared, excited, unsure of what to expect, and really REALLY happy to be crossing into Mexico to see my family and be at the orphanage again. Even if it is for a shorter time than i had hoped.

If my financial situation had a sound effect it would be the sound of the old, dying cars on cartoons...."puttputtputtputt..putt...putt...putt, puaaahhhhhh..." You know that animated exhale? the rattle of death??

sigh.

its ok. it has only served to squash lingering consumeristic tendencies and to reignite my drive and passion to create another way of life- sustainable and creative and beautiful.

with bee hives and lavender fields and community living.

and trees.

and a dog.


...think i'm crazy yet? jaja. It's okay. i'm gonna have to be at least a little crazy to fully realize my dreams.

i mean, i'm not dressing in animal skins and roaming the desert and eating locusts, right??


anyway- Paz y Amor a todos- I will be in communication as much as possible.
Love to All.
Raquel

Not All Who Wander Are Lost.

my mind a labyrinth of thoughts
blending twisting
flashes of faces
old places and
ways of being
so many letters to write
that i will
never
send
speaking now
for what was voiceless before
there is a need to ROAR-
dear Sisters,
ROAR.

learning fierce compassion
replacing
reaction
with kindness and grace
learning lessons
long avoided
in many ways.

trusting inner Knowing
inner Wisdom
inner Woman
i become more instinctual
lower to the ground
and crouching
tense
this
Animal
in me
is
Growing
and
i
love
it.

writing new songs
dancing
down
the street
there is a River of Creation
flowing
out of me.

Thank you God for inspiration
for breath
for realization
for rest
for All that This Is
for relationship
and understanding
for a too-big heart
for sensitivity
for sight

I reject no part of me
created inherently
in a Holy image

Thank you God
for You
in Me.

Rhythms.

The full Moon was so beautiful last night.

A Prayer.

Maheo, Pacha Mama, Creator, Mi Diosito-

i ask
for
nothing more
than a Compassionate
Heart-

a mouth that is slow
to speak,

understanding with which
to listen,

and hands that are quick
to give help.

Desert Longing

four wheel drive
a coyote crosses the road
and i slow

i forget how far
the turn off
is
from here
so i find the
silhouette in the distance
windows lit
a beacon of light
leading me home

i thank God
por la tierra
i leave the kitchen
just to walk around
outside
the house
with my shoes
off

i had almost
forgotten
the vastness of the sky here
the way the clouds
form
into indescribable
forms
and light plays
on the ground below

compost and kitties
grashoppers the size
of mice
whose wings sing
as they fly in short bursts
around the
yard

i can see the milky way
from the
front porch at night
while
bats sear the sky-
lightning bolts in
almost purple
flashes

thunder rolls out
as though
from the womb
of the Earth
herself
and it shakes the ground
i stand on-

not even my happiest days in the city
can compare
with the bliss

of this.

Home, Sweet Home

Hey All-
i am headed to Taos for the next 2 weeks....so i will most likely be out of touch with the technological world. Returning is a little bittersweet this time around, but i know it is going to be AMAZING no matter what.

My love to all-
'til i return,
Rach

Coffee and Wisecracks

The past couple of days have been a great reminder to me of why I love Mon Cafe.

On Friday afternoon water began pouring out of the bowl of the toilet and the wall where its line is attached, due to the archaic plumbing systems of the decrepit building that our lovely cafe in located in.

All the usual suspects show up- Joe, Wayne, Kelly, to help us get the situation under control. Hilarity ensued. They turned off every water meter they could find on the property, trying to discover the one that supplys water to Mon Cafe. Finally the main is located and the job gets done. Afterwards, on hands and knees, Kelly and Wayne cleaned up the bathroom floor.

Manami and I took pictures for the sake of evidential proof- that yes, sometimes, men will clean the bathroom.

This place cracks me up- i swear, the relationships that have developed, the characters who hang out here- its unreal. i love it.

Manami read my "fortune" for me the other day- Japanese astrology, perhaps? She is one of the most adorably animated people i know.

I think i'm going to start writing about individuals here- fictionalize a bit, but try to capture the essence of them.

So many more stories, i need to write them down as they happen. The one thing i am so impressed with about this place- is the sense of community here. It's incredible.

I'm happy today. Feel like maybe the clouds are parting a little. It nice, and needed.

A Few More...

Labor Day at the Cafe.

A little narcissistic? maybe. but with my sister? always hilarious. what a nut job. sucks to be laboring on this fine Labor Day but not so bad when it's with the Hoonster.

Oh man.

So i was looking at a qoutations page, reading some inspiring stuff and looking up those Gandhi quotes when i found this.

"I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up."
-Tom Lehrer


so funny.

Note to Self...

...read more about/by Gandhi.

"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?"
-from "Non-Violence in Peace and War"


"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."

Ronery...

....I'm so ronery.

What a weird day. Felt very dreamlike. Only not those euphoric, transcending the waking reality dreams...more like those being pushed around by unforseeable forces please wake me up now kind of dreams. Feeling very, nowhere. in-between. disoriented, perhaps?

Reguritated Forest Writing...perhaps to post the Original later.

dance this holy dance
with your arms spread wide
to welcome all experiences
as lessons
valuable and good

dance this holy dance
with compassion
and loving eyes
accepting those you meet
purely in the context of
themselves

Listen, listen.
to the trees, bending so as not to break
to the ocean, constant and changing
to the river, never flowing against itself
smoothing obstacles with patience and time

Listen, listen.
to the honking of horns
the screeching of brakes
the bumping stereos,
understanding that we could not appreciate the one
without the other
and that perhaps
what we perceive as disjointed dissonance
is in fact glorious harmony-

dance this holy dance
with joy in your soul
and laughter in your mouth
fears gathered
like so many children at your feet-
wrap your arms around them,
so they know that you
are there,
send them your kindness
and understanding,
and they will disappear.

dance this holy dance
as only you can-
and the whole of creation
will be forever
grateful
for the aspect
of divinity
that you reveal.

I Want to Do Something Beautiful.

And i'm not sure What that means yet.
with Who.
When.
How.
and all those other defining questions that have been persistent and unanswerable, haunting.

i feel like i am in the midst of giving birth to my Self- heaving and laboring to somehow knit together my experiences, my passions, the very core of me- into a Woman of unified purpose and a Life of love, compassion, and balance.

i feel also that i have ceased to speak the same language. not with everyone, but with many.

at times i catch a glimpse of it- all that could be. dreams of community, lavender fields, bees, music, art, and a sustainable way of living. these days are wonderful.
other times, i feel incompetent, incapable, and do not dare to hope that such things could come to pass. those days are me, at my lowest.

i think morale will improve when i am done working in Danville- i have had some encouraging turn around with the kids (ie: i'm not crying on my way home anymore) but the atmosphere can de very draining, even depressing.

a huge part too, i think is that i am in pieces- pieces still working towards the Whole. How do i integrate all that i love? all whom i love, may be the greater question.

its interesting- i will be overwhelmed by all those questions and then i take a step back and look at myself- and laugh til the tears come.

how ridiculous.
what is this all about here, despairing or dreaming???

c'mon rach, lighten up.

TOO THROUGH.

ugh.

Question

Anyone know how to fix bikes??

PEOPLE!!!

This may be a little late to post, BUT-

My buddy (and now roommate) Earl J. Rivard is playing tonight at the Pyramid Alehouse in Walnut Creek. He will be playing from 6:30-9pm. The Alehouse has great food, beer, and a beautiful patio/garden area where Earl J. will be playing.

Earl is AMAZING and if you can't make it this time around, i will be posting his upcoming shows very soon.
In order to get gigs like this he needs to pull a crowd- so coming out would not only be a good time, but also support for his beautiful music and livelihood.

Love and Thanks-

No Longer

give me mountains
give me trees
ocean waves crashing
sunlight caressing
give me fiery winds
and lightening storms
cool quiet breezes
rivers
and canyons

all these things remind me
that i am connected
that i am loved
and that things are simple

i think
sometimes theology
is just an exercise in ego
to the extremes we take it-
we've God figured out down to the letter
to the law
and after we've all made our points
we're more divided than before

The Magic of Children

Fiona, the youngest, greets me this morning with a big hug and seats herself on my lap. She leans in and smells me, "Did you take a showah today?"
"Yes," I reply.

"You smell like butterflies."

So Much Lately

So very much.
Again, from Life has arisen teachers and opportunities- synchronystic in nature and completely relevent to the issue at hand, which has been the grieving of my Uncle Joe.
It was something i suppressed when he died, almost three years ago now. At the time, there were some other major issues i was dealing with, and it would have overwhelmed me to feel it and go through it then.
But now, being in such a better place, it seems to have come up, very gently- asking for permission to be seen and felt.
And i have consented, finally.

One of the opportunities that arose was going to go see "The Man of la Mancha" at the S.F. Playhouse. This was my Uncle's favorite show, a mirror of his life in many ways. I ended up going with my dad, which was more wonderful than i could have imagined.

Healing within healing, circle within circle.

Needless to say i spent almost the entire play with tears streaming down my face in tides (waves, rivers, oceans, gushing geysers of grief- your choice). I had my dad on one side and a dear friend on the other. It was so good to sit next to my Pops and hold his hand- he was very sweet.

The whole night i felt like i was able to see my dad through the eyes of love and compassion. I saw him wholly- who he is, who he wants to be, and maybe a little bit of why. It was beautiful.

The next night, i got a message from him on my voicemail- and just started crying. His voice was loving and so tender. so, so tender. I felt like it was the voice i had been waiting to hear my whole life.

Healing within healing, circle within circle.
Ever widening, ever deepening.

I am so grateful.

Hmm.

some friends and i just recently started a writing group, and being both busy and used to not much technological connecion with folks, i have found myself blogging less and less.
feeling a little torn as to whether i will continue or not.

Anyone, Anyone?

Anyone out there have a small(ish) round kitchen table they are trying to get rid of?

What, Who, and How.

what is it exactly to re-create or re-imagine that which already exists? to make it one's own, right? to find a way in which it resonates with your innermost being, Who-You-Are inherently?

that is beautiful. but for it to become a missional work- isn't that the same thing the evangelicals are doing??
and to re-create the language that is used in this new context...and to have it become "THE" language, set of terms, way in which things are spoken of and understood...isn't that the same as any other organized establishment?

also, when does gathering and discussing move into action and living? or is that all intertwined? really i don't think talk is worth a damn thing.

do you think the study and discussion of theology could be defined as attempting to understand God through the intellect?

i wonder.
all just questions- i don't assume to know much.

"Follow" by Richie Havens

Let the river rock you like a cradle
Climb to the treetops, child, if you're able
Let your hands tie a knot across the table.
Come and touch the things you cannot feel-

And close your fingertips and fly where I can't hold you
Let the sun-rain fall and let the dewy clouds enfold you
And maybe you can sing to me the words I just told you,
If all the things you feel ain't what they seem.
And don't mind me 'cuz I ain't nothin' but a dream.

The mocking bird sings each different song
Each song has wings - they won't stay long.
Do those who hear think he's doing wrong?
While the church bell tolls its one-note song
And the school bell is tinkling to the throng.
Come here where your ears cannot hear-

And close your eyes, child, and listen to what I'll tell you
Follow in the darkest night the sounds that may impel you
And the song that I am singing may disturb or serve to quell you
If all the sounds you hear ain't what they seem,
Then don't mind me 'cuz I ain't nothin' but a dream

The rising smell of fresh-cut grass
Smothered cities choke and yell with fuming gas
I hold some grapes up to the sun
And their flavor breaks upon my tongue.
With eager tongues we taste our strife
And fill our lungs with seas of life.
Come taste and smell the waters of our time-

And close your lips, child, so softly I might kiss you,
Let your flower perfume out and let the winds caress you.
As I walk through the garden, I am hoping I don't miss you
If all the things you taste ain't what they seem,
Then don't mind me 'cos I ain't nothin' but a dream .

The sun and moon both arise
And we'll see them soon through days and nights
But now silver leaves are mirrors, bring delights.
And the colors of your eyes are fiery bright,
While darkness blinds the skies with all its light.
Come see where your eyes cannot see.

And close your eyes, child, and look at what I'll show you;
Let your mind go reeling out and let the breezes blow you,
And maybe when we meet then suddenly I will know you.
If all the things you see ain't what they seem-
Then don't mind me 'cuz I ain't nothin' but a dream .

And you can follow-
And you can follow-
follow...

Hmmmm.

So i know that a large part of the "having issues" here has to do with me wanting to run away from challenge. I feel like i am doing some really important (inner) work right now, some really major stuff. and its a little scary.

and a lot exhausting.

do you ever feel like, "Okay Life, i'm gonna take a little break now, just a breather, and i'll be back soon..."? i've been thinking about that the last couple of days. i feel like the last year has been lesson after lesson after lesson- forgiveness, healing, growth, challenges-- don't get me wrong, all good things. Amazing actually. i just feel tired now. like my soul-mind-body-spirit needs a little cat nap. you know, just maybe 'rest my eyes' for a few minutes.

so, this is where the resistance comes in, you know? i am feeling a little depleted too. its hard to face deep personal challenges when you feel like you JUST got done with the last one and you really don't know if there is any strength left in your tank.

the other part though is feeling like i don't fit in, feeling isolated and not relating to the culture and society around me. Life in New Mexico was a lot closer to the earth- more grounded and slower paced.

switching gears, almost.

i read this letter to the editor today in Danville's local newspaper complaining about a local charity group that feeds those who are hungry (lunches/dinner, groceries, etc.), i think its called "Fishes and Loaves" or something. The jerk who wrote this letter had an issue with all the "undesirable people" it was bringing to the neighborhood.

wow.

i found myself RAGING (inwardly) about the injustices of the distribution of wealth in this country (and in the world, really) and how some people can live so completely removed from the suffering of others- like this guy. how dare those poor people come and taint his neighborhood- he shouldn't have to see them or hear them, or even know they exist. he actually called them "dirty" in his letter.

furious, completely disgusted, and feeling helpless i drove around Danville blaring all the anti-war, anti-corporate, social justice Ani Difranco songs i could think of. borderline ridiculous, i know, but what else could i really do??
this place really wears on me.

anyway- more thoughts later, i guess. i just wanted to expound upon what i wrote the other day. gonna go pick up my girls and play in the park.
sandcastles and silliness sounds like a good remedy to me.

Breathe In, Breathe Out.

Since i have been home i have been really bad at getting in touch with people, and haven't really gotten together with anyone- please don't take it personally.
I am having ISSUES.

i feel homesick and restless and overwhelmed. at least once a day i have daydream fantasies of packing a bag, grabbing my guitar and without telling anyone- just TAKE OFF. drive away, alone.

that's not normal, right?

i absolutely and completely adore the children i am working with, but the city they live in sucks the life out of me- i feel like i am shrinking...though, i am holding my own here better than i was when i left, i guess thats good.

i'm not sure i fit in here anymore. this is really rough.

I'm BaaaAAAaaack.

Hey All-
i made it back to the bay area in one piece! (mostly). It only took two and a half days on a Greyhound bus! (NOT something i recommend to anyone who values the health of their back or their sanity). It was quite the experience.
whew. anyway.

I went to my sister's graduation last night- CONGRATS HOONIE! to anyone who knows and loves (how could you not?) the Hoonster- she has a blog now!! check out her link to the right....

moving back to the "big city" has been quite an adjustment, but i'm doing alright. to any around i'm planning on a SC beach trip on Friday......who's in?!?!? hit me up- email or you can call my parents house to get ahold of me.

love to all- and more writing later.
peace.

huele de lluvia.

the smell of rain.

this afternoon is deeply melancholy. the sky is overcast and the rainfall started a little while ago- too light to be exhilarating, too heavy to be out in it. The trees seem weary of the bounce-back between thunderstorms and sunshine.

this afternoon, i can relate.

do you ever have those days when you're down, feeling grey, with no real reason? i mean, it wasn't an exceptionally exciting day, but it wasn't that bad either. its just this middleground, inbetween, BLAH.

i think maybe its more internal than external, but then, where is it coming from internally? maybe it's a little bit of anxiety mixed with sadness. and a touch of apathy.

i don't consider myself an apathetic person by any means...but you know that feeling when you have a lot to do, prepare, think about, and yet no time to do it until tomorrow? that kind of feeling- kind of stuck or waiting or something.

Acceptance.

"Be faithful to that which exists within yourself." -Andre Gide.

Something I Need To Say.

Papa, I am your daughter.

But i am more than that too.

I am a Woman
whose Heart speaks louder than
anything your discouragement
can say.

And She tells me
that happiness is more important than
some illusionary American dream.
that your support and understanding
is not worth my misery.
that Life is abundant
and my Mother will provide-
that money is not the end-all or controller
of my destiny and dreams.

And i will return to the place of my birth
different
and more grown than before,
as i come into my Self
and claim my Womanhood
for my own.

Mama forgive me for any distancing i must do
or have done,
please understand, it was never To you.
a necessary step in my path,
my journey towards
Me.
I adore you with all my heart-
honoring the Wild Woman in you
that has always nurtured
the Wild Woman
in me.

and Papa please understand, if you can find it
within you to do so-
that i am not your little girl anymore.

and that i cannot be anyone
but Me.

and i simply cannot search any longer for my self worth
in your approval or words-
and please know that my wandering feet
and searching soul
are not made
for the paths
that you have known.

So, here i am
slightly brokenhearted
and struggling,
knowing that the rock and hard place
i find myself between-
are neither one for me.
so i will slip out
quietly
and find some place
in the shade of my Creator's trees,
dig my toes in deep
and breathe.

This is Me.
Aqui Soy.
the daughter of my father's rage
and my mother's forgotten dreams.
i am not perfect
nor pretend to be,
but i do hold me to the highest
standard of Me.

and i will grow
and i will break
i will rise from the dust of my ashes
with a Phoenix cry-
i will stumble
i will reach, soar, fly.

and even if i fail
by this world's standards or my father's
at least i will not have ignored
the Voice within me.

"Flying Blind"...Written Last Tuesday

Sitting, listening to a a song that my friend Rachel and her mom Celeste wrote and sing together.

"My heart is trying to find its way home." Beautiful.

I haven't written much lately. I've been working and spending time with friends, Mouna, Tommy's family, and Myself. I have been feeling like i have been myself more and more- i am wearing shoes as little as possible, just to feel the Earth beneath my feet. The mud and dirt between my toes. Grounding myself to this beautiful Earth. I have been writing more, working on my jewelry, climbing, and hiking, playing guitar, praying, meditating. Singing, always singing.

I played an open mic last night at the Taos Inn and felt really good about it. I completely lost myself in the last song, and wasn't nervous or even entirely aware of everyone else there. Tommy said it was the best he ever heard me play it. It felt good to lose myself in the music i was creating.

As i come more into Myself, expressing who i am through different mediums and avenues, i have found that i fear what people may think of me when i return to California. I feel like i have changed so much in this time spent here. The love and respect of people i love is important to me- i can only hope that those who truly love me back home will respect the truths of my heart and love the woman they see.

i have become more aware of aspects of myself that i want to see change- fear, anger, places in me that do not reflect compassion and love. We always have more to learn, more to heal. i want my presence to be one of peace and sanctuary for others- radiating Love and Compassion. i cannot be or do this if i am not centered and grounded and peaceful within myself.

As the time comes closer to my return to California, i find myself moving into a place of transition again, not quite here, not quite there- pondering my time spent here, and planning (to some extent) the rest of my stay. I feel that the Snow Mansion, Mouna, and this place in general, are not quite through with me yet. I think i will be returning once more sometime in the future, for a stay. We'll see.

There are many thing i will miss about Taos, the mountains, the Rio, the fresh air and slower pace of Life. I will miss all the people i have met and loved at the hostel, Tommy's family, as well as the community of the Native American church and the frequent opportunities to go to Meetings.

I think about the Life i will create for myself back home- the pace, the luxuries of a car and phone (or not?), friendships i will pursue, how i will cultivate a lifestyle that reflects what i have learned and is healthy for me- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. i am excited.

Singing to la Madre Luna.

Soy una Nina salvaje
una Mujer silvestre
Soy una Nina salvaje
mis Abuelas viven en Mi

Soy la Hermana de las nubes
aprendia a compartir
Soy la Hija del oceano
y Toda esta Vivo en Mi
Toda esta Vivo en Mi.


Tonight I am wondering. in a state of wonder. at the beauty in and of this Life.
I am grateful for all the Women of strength and dignity and ancient wisdom in my Life.
I am thankful for all the Men in my Life who embrace a masculinity of compassion and consideration.
I am amazed, astounded, and humbled.

Gracias Maheo, PachaMama, Abuela. Gracias por mi Vida.

Mouna

So, I've decided to start quoting Mouna, because she is brilliant and hysterical. Or maybe brilliantly hysterical. Hysterically brilliant? Anyway-
I'm not sure if her energy and tone will come across through the medium of blog, but imagine a wild-grey-haired woman who almost dances as she talks. She almost audibly hums with energy. It is so crazy. When she speaks, its as if every sentence was the most profound exciting statement.

The scene.
Outside my cabin, Mouna is watering a small herb garden. My neighbor, Lisa and I are listening as Mouna explains what is growing and the medicinal qualities of each herb.
As this is happening, Lisa discovers an ant colony which has made its home outside our cabins, on the edge of the garden.
This is the conversation that ensues...

Lisa: "Is it a good thing to have the ant colony so close to the herbs?"

Mouna, as she immediately begins dousing the small anthill with the hose, exclaims:
"Chile!! They don't like water and they don't like chile!"

Mouna continues, "And we don't want them so close to the garden. No.
That would go in the 'No, No, NO!' category!!"

The Juicy Pulp; written while in CA.

From Madeleine L'Engle's "Glimpses of Grace."- entitled, Enjoying God.
The scene: "In the Portuguese convent, Joaquina is an overly pious nun, and Mother Escolastica is one of the senior nuns. Mariana is playing with some of the convent children. At the time of this story, the middle of the 17th century, Portugal was still struggling to win her freedom from Spain."

The refectory rang with unaccustomed laughter.
Sister Joaquina, unable to share the pleasure, was saying, "I'm not sure it's a good idea."
Beatriz directed her clear gaze at Joaquina. "What? Being free of Spain?"
"Counting buttons."
-What? Mother Escolastica, sitting across from the younger nuns, focused her dark old eyes, still bright as beads on Joaquina's pasty face. Did the young nun, like Sister Maria de Assuncao, suffer from dyspepsia? Her diet should be checked. Why should a casual remark from silly little Michaela on the brightness of the buttons on the French soldier's jackets be made into an issue?
Joaquina, overly fond of mortifications, took the driest, hardest crust from the bread tray. "It keeps our minds from the contemplation of inward visions."
Mariana burst into such a peal of laughter that all heads in the refectory turned in her direction.
Joaquina flushed, "What's so funny?"

"Forgive me," Mariana said quickly as she reached for an orange and began to peel it. "I wasn't laughing at you. You're quite right. I should spend more time, as you do, worrying about saving my soul, but i can't seem to do it, because surely I cannot save my soul. Only God can do that. And when i see-" she looked out the long, open windows to the garden, "-the way the evening sun is touching the flowers right now- or when i look at this orange, look at the brilliance of its color and smell the sharpness of its scent-isn't that as much a vision of God as anything we see inwardly?"

"I don't know," Joaquina said flatly. She looked across the table at Mother Escolastica. "I don't mean to criticize, Mother, but there's something wrong with it."
"With what, child?"
"The way Sister Mariana looks out the window at the flowers, and the way she enjoys that orange."
"Well?"
"She enjoys it too much."
Mariana's mouth was full of juicy pulp. "Aren't we supposed to?"


I think often times people forget that this world around us is created for us to enjoy and care for. Many feel that everything exists in extremes- God is good, we are bad. Heaven is holy, the World is evil. So what is created is this huge chasm- this separateness. (Do we forget that God is IN us? That everything we see is in fact His&Her divine handiwork??) With this division, is created a great deal of fear- fear of contamination, of damnation, of becoming too invested in "this world", etc.
And, instead of cultivating healthy habits and attitudes about balance and healthy limits for oneself, people choose to pull away in fear, reject all of it, and judge and condemn others who enjoy the simple and sensual of Life. Mariana poses her question- "Isn't that as much a vision of God as anything we see inwardly?" yes, YES.

And her other statement, "I should spend more time...worrying about saving my soul, but i can't seem to do it, because surely I cannot save my soul. Only God can do that."
In the past i have felt this deeply, with great shame. Until I realized that i know so many who live every day in constant analysis and questioning of their "salvation" or their "calling" or what they are "supposed" to do- and i simply cannot do that.
If your head is cloudy and overcast you tend to miss the sunshine and the way it looks shining on the flowers.
you MISS it.
that moment of your life GONE FOREVER. i am not willing to do that anymore.
Life is not that serious and gloomy, and neither is God.
I think God has given us this creation- in all its terrible beauty- to simply enjoy. This world is beautiful and sacred because of the God that created it. Amen.

The Saturday inBetween.

Yesterday was Good Friday, tomorrow Easter- El Dia de la Resureccion.

My family is in Mexico, or will be soon, and will be spending Easter with my family there. I am supremely happy for them, and very jealous. I miss them all so much.
I heard about a little church here that has a 7:00 service in the morning- entirely in Spanish. i think i will make my way there. I deeply miss my Mexican family and the church there and hearing prayer on Easter morning in Espanol, would be divine.

Thinking about Easter, and it's deeper symbolic meanings...From darkness into Light, from death into Life. A rebirth of sorts. At least for those of us living, here, now. Thinking about the ways in which i want to live my life and the way i want to love. Choosing not to despair, not because there is no sorrow, but because this Life is precious and beautiful and sacred. Saturday, the day inbetween, is always the darkest. Like those last few hours before morning.
But the light always comes, Life always comes. I am seeing this acted out in nature all around me, the snow is melting, the buds on the trees have begun to open. When i open my eyes in the morning, the birds are outside singing songs of the Spring to come.
We are never in darkness forever.

I thank God this day for all of Creation, for every living thing, for each person i encounter, know, love. And those whom i haven't met, and might not ever. Living at the hostel, i meet people from all walks of Life, every background imaginable, every path taken unique. And it is BEAUTIFUL. breaktakingly so. We are a pathwork quilt of Humanity- all living together and connecting with each other, helping each other. I am continually amazed at how fragile people are- how delicate and tender we all are underneath, inside. It has deepened my respect for people and their experiences. We can learn from everyone we interact with, if we see them through eyes of humility. if we allow them to teach us.

And today especially, i think about God's mercy and lovingkindness. And i think that God, outside of all our constructed boxes, is Eternal and perfect Compassion.
And that we have no idea what that really means.

I condemn no one. I have no place.
Rather, i try to greet every human being as the exquisite creation that they are. And see where God's scuplting fingers left imprints in the clay.

This inbetween Saturday,
May you be Blessed
to know sorrow,
so that when the Joy comes
you will recognize it
and leap into it's arms.

May you be Blessed
to know darkness,
so that when the dawn
peeks it's head over
the last few remaining stars,
you will dance
with anticipation
and utter abandonment
into the Light of morning.

May you be Blessed
to know winter,
it harsh cold
and heavy silence,
it's frost on your heart-
so that,
when the buds of new growth
sprout
you will not complain
of the pain of transformation,
but instead sing out
with newfound Joy and gratitude-
as all the frost melts away
and you find yourself
to be more
Alive
than ever before.

On this Saturday inBetween,
May you be Blessed.

Off for the Weekend....

just finished up my work for the week and i am headed down to Taos!

thought 1.
wondering about being really and truly genuine, and what that means. Social interaction can be a funny thing- what is the balance? when do you speak up and say exactly what you think and/or feel, and when do you smile and nod and look for the nearest exit??
also, motivations. sometimes people say something that is so utterly transparent it almost hurts. do you ignore the "hidden" intent? do you call them out on it??
what is polite anyway?

thought 2.
where are all the women?!? the testosterone here is becoming a little suffocating...

Moving Day.

the shuffle setting
is sending me back
in my memory
as old Ani albums fill my head,
and i smile slowly
as i think back
on all the roads
i have traveled
that have converged, here,
on this spot.

as i move my things
from dorm to cabin,
i realize how much i have with me-
luxurious, actually, this living
on the road,
and i think back to "home"-
my things in boxes there.

when i get back
i think i will throw it all out.

it's funny
having space that is my own
again,
it's been a long time.
all my nesting tendencies
come back full force
as i lay what few
decoration-like things
i have with me
out on the bare hardwood
shelving.

a white cat makes herself
at home on my bedding,
snuggling in
and i feel like doing the same.


i have been loving living in community with people here- sharing kitchens and bathrooms and showers- even sharing the dorm room with a couple other women. The community cooking that sometimes happens and the community eating that always happens have both been wonderful.
And yet, having this small space to myself is going to be a good thing, i can feel it. the introvert in me is grateful. the extrovert in me is feeling full and satisfied.

i am so glad to be here. what growth and learning is happening...

Tommy.

I am so incredibly blessed to be loved the way i am. I think maybe we get what we need, which is sometimes more than what we deserve.

Conversation,
me: "you've done something for me that no one has..."
him: "what's that?"
me: "you've given me grace and set me free from something."
him: "what is Love if not that?"



humbled, am i
broken and snot-nosed
eyes swollen from crying
begging forgiveness
for the way that i am,
have been.

fighting deeply
for what i love,
for you, my Love-
battling my demons
from the
inside out,
Love chooses me
and has broken down all my doors-

i am unspeakably vulnerable,
and deeply yours.

te amo con todo mi corazon...el hogar de mi corazon es en el tuyo.
te adoro- no tengo las palabras que pueden explicarlo. mi amor le pido a Dios que nunca me dejes, y que siempre estes contento y feliz en tu vida. vivimos en nuestros corazones. siempre.
perdoname, por favor.

Monday Adventures

I have been staying up at the Snow Mansion a little under a week now, and it has been incredible. I have been getting up early and exploring the surrounding area- which is so beautiful, i cannot believe it. Went rock climbing with a group of people i met at the hostel when i first got here and hiked up to these waterfalls yesterday. There was a storm a couple of days ago, so it was a bit snowy and sometimes slushy, but the falls were swollen from the melting snow and rainfall- and was breathtaking.

Just getting up and being in my body- challenging it physically has been so good. This is the kind of exercise i like!! Climbing rocks, hiking, exploring- all the while with just incredibly beautiful nature around me, surrounding me. Such a blessing to be here.

There is a large cast of characters at the Mansion- so many beautiful, funny, quirky people. Many of them searching for something- home, love, themselves. It has been so wonderful spending time with them. My dorm-mate, Sharon and i stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking about Education, children, our lives, God and religion, the feminine wound. Just so many people put in my path, whom i can learn from and speak with from the heart.

I only have to work two days a week there, so i have a lot of free time, which i have been using wonderfully- playing guitar, helping Mouna, planting vegetables in the garden, reading, writing, getting closer to people.

So beautiful.

I can feel myself creating new patterns, feeling better about myself and my body, falling more and more in love with people and Life. The natural woman in me is coming out and is loving it!

Have to go now, Natalie, Hamza, Tommy, and i are going out to be in the sunshine and play frisbee and go explore the area around the hotsprings on the Rio Grande. Good to have them visiting and good to be going outside to play!

All my love to those who are not near me now...

Meeting.

Last night I had a vision,
that God opened me up like a piece of fruit and cleaned out all the
rotted parts inside.
When I asked, about all those parts and all the people who had caused
the wounds, the rotting,
She told me, "Don't be angry with them, for they
do not yet understand."

And with those words all the empty, carved out spaces filled with Her
Love and Compassion.

Today.

So much has happened. I am in a much better place now. That last blog was a bit disheartening, i know.

I spent the latter part of this week watching the "kids"- Tommy's little brother and sister, Austin and Hope. They are such amazing children. Lifegiving- their presence was so refreshing and joyous.

I am in the process of redefining productivity and keeping perspective. Lightening up a little bit. Having the kids around really helped that. Watching them observe and experience the world around them with wonder and awe reminded me.

simply that, reminded me.

Last night I had a conversation in which i reacted really strongly to something that was said- almost shockingly so. When that sort of thing happens i really have to look at the deeper issue-and i have realized that there is a part of me, that is deeply and inherently feminine, and is wounded.

Somehow i knew before this trip, that this would be about my Womanhood. Just as I knew last trip that it would be about healing myself and my relationship to/with my Dad. It is interesting to me, that this has arisen. Now, here. And that there is a Meeting this weekend for Ladonna, Tommy's sister.

There are things that have happened to me in my Life, perpetrated by men or circumstances, that happened because I am a Woman. Simply that, no other reason. Things that could not, or would not have happened to a man. And i have begun to realize that i am angry and i am really, really deeply hurt by that. And that it is good just to say that. And that now, i know, healing will come. Because we cannot heal what we do not admit has wounded us.

It is good for me to realize that i do not need to stress and worry about what i am DOING necessarily, or what job i am going to land, but rather, inner work, and BECOMING, and healing. This is more important.

Argh.

Frustrated with myself today. Have so many amazing books to be reading and i cannot focus on any of them.
I did go up to Arroyo Seco in pursuit of some work, but the woman i needed to talk to wasn't there.
So, back to Taos and an unproductive afternoon.
Wondering what will come up or if i need to go out and pursue....and what balance is a good one. I have the nagging feeling that i am not living out my days to the fullest, that i am not soaking it up enough or something. and then i recognize that i am looking to the pursuit of work to do that, which is a load of crap- like this dependence on the selling of my labor in order to feel productive.
yikes. that's a cultural/societal thing that i do not want any part of.

much more free time means much more discipline is needed. the discipline to get my butt out of bed and practice my guitar and study theory and chord progression and find a good yoga class and write and READ and retain and help others however i can...and and and and!

some reprogramming or resituating is necessary here.
argh.
i wish there was some social work out here i could get into...most everything is retail or food service...which i have NO issue or judgement about, i am just needing something...else.

i know this is passing, that Mouna will call me and have something for me to help her with, and that spending time at the Snow Mansion will be rewarding and good. i just don't want to slip into passivity or any form of laziness because it makes me crazy!!!

feeling pulled in a lot of different directions internally, feeling like i am still going through the fire and being refined and changed and thrown into all sorts of lessons to learn.

which is good, and i am thankful for.
i'm just frustrated today.

and missing folks.

Quick Update

Sorry about the lack of posting...been having technological issues. my apologies. :)
the previous post was something i wrote when i first got here.

Went snowboarding yesterday, which was a BLAST- i love the feeling of the mountain beneath me and the cold wind hitting my face, it is so exhilarating. such a beautiful day. i am paying for it though...i am unbelievably sore today. :)

The landscape here is so beautiful, breathtakingly so. I was driving back from Santa Fe to Taos today and came over this small ridge and caught a view of the entire Taos valley- from the depths of the Rio Grande gorge to the heights if the Sangre de Cristo mountain range. Amazing. I recommend to anyone who has the ability to travel to come to New Mexico, especially to Taos. The way the light hits things here is magical.

more later...my love to all.

Taos in February.

spilt-milk skies
overhead
clouds like i have never seen
the desolate beauty of this place
astounds me
once again.

it feels like i never left
and the red-hued earth
welcomes me
with open arms
the snow capped mountains
embrace me
from all sides
of the landscape.

laughing until the point of tears
wrapping words
around our tongues
metaphors and puns
and paddling them
back and forth
like ping-pong balls
across the space
of eternity
and the center consul
between us in the car-
such joy.

and i can't shake the feeling
of being
exactly where i'm meant to be
at exactly this moment
this journey
of coming into my Self...
as Woman.

Hmmmm

my spirit does not seem to fit within
my skin
this morning-
no, she is skipping
running jumping
flying out the door and up into the sky-
she is high and spinning
from life's ecstasy.

Existence
is enough of a reason
for joy to spill out of my being-
and today
my spirit dances
all over the coffee shop
and giggles shyly when
someone
catches
her eye.

i am a million miles away
and yet so present
that the Moment is
glaring with such clarity,
it makes my eyes water.

i am bouncing tumbling
spinning off in a thousand different directions
and i am here,
with you
talking about, well, nothing really-
but enjoying each other and
the twinkle in our eyes
the blasphemous and holy-
laughter
bounds out of me-
i can't help it.

i am endless-
boundless
infinite,
expanding ever wider
with a heart that has been
broken open enough
to let everyone in...
i am in love with Love
with existence
with the blessing
to be here today,

to be,
at all.

Okay, better now.

This morning was so grey and rainy. Makes the coffee shop feel real cozy though, i like that.

(sidenote of possible interest to other word-nerds like me:)
Did you know that you can spell the word grey, correctly, with either an "a" or an "e"...isn't that cool? i usually spell it with the "e" becuase it looks more, well, grey.

Please excuse my rambling- i have been working for too many days in a row and find myself in a slightly delirious state. My work is incredible though, i get to meet so many different people with such a wide range of stories and life experience...i come here, make lattes, and learn.
It is really, very beautiful.
The other day it occurred to me that i should be recording these episodes and interactions and sharing them with others. Maybe a book full of them...who knows? It is one thing that continues to amaze me every day of my life- how incredibly complex and beautiful people are. And how you never know someone's story until you ask, and they let you in.
We are so wonderfully intricate and fragile and strong.

Missing loved ones near and far, feeling rather inbetween today. But, i will be headed to Santa Cruz to see my dear, sweet Natalie- which i am very thankful for.

this is kind of one of those blogs that aren't really about anything- and for that i apologize.
blame it on the lack of sleep.

oh man.

why does it feel so EARLY this morning??????
working.
sleepy.
more to come.
brain not fully functioning yet.

Come Out Into the Light

"Sex scandal pastor says after therapy, he's heterosexual"

The title of this San Francisco Chronicle article caught my eye. I don't know how many are familiar with the Ted Haggard story. The short of it? ...He was the senior pastor of a church in Colorado, as well as the president of the National Association of Evangelicals. Then last fall, when he began to promote a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage, a man named Michael Jones came forward and exposed their 3 year affair.
Rev. Haggard, who is married, was "ousted by the overseers" of his church last November, and has apparently been in counseling/therapy in Phoenix.
For three weeks.

He wrote in an email to members of the church that his three weeks of counseling in Phoenix have felt like, "three years' worth of analysis and treatment," and that, "Jesus is starting to put me back together."
Another reverend from the church, Tim Ralph "told the Denver Post that Haggard had come out of the counseling convinced of his heterosexuality." Ralph went on to say,"He is completely heterosexual." Saying also that Haggard's "homosexual behavior had not been a 'constant thing.'"

The highlight of the article for me, was the input of Dr. Jack Drescher, a psychiatrist from New York who specializes and is considered an expert in the studies/issues of gender and sexuality. Dr. Drescher said, "while it was people's prerogative to identify their sexual orientation as they wanted, the notion of being able to change that orientation was 'not consistent with clinical presentations, but totally consistent with theological belief.' "
He continues, "Some people in the community that Haggard comes from believe homosexuality is a form of behavior, a sinful form of behavior based on certain things in the Bible, and they don't believe you can create a healthy identity based on sinful behavior. ...So they define it as a behavior that can be changed, and there is this thinking that if you control those behaviors enough, heterosexual attractions will follow."

The article is ended with a comment from the Rev. Tim Ralph that he had shared with the Denver Post- that the overseers of Haggard's church "had recommended to Haggard that he take up secular work."


So much here.
First of all, what a huge rejection and repulsion from Haggard's community, his church. That is really sad to me, that they wouldn't surround him and support him and love him during this time in his life amidst all the judgement that is falling on him. That is huge. And a huge issue within the traditional Christian church, i think. When people "fall by the wayside"- whether merely the perception of others or actual hard times, there is a withdrawal, a distance that is, i feel, deliberately created. As though they are no longer deserving of your full interaction, connection, and love, or that their "sinfulness" might rub off on you.
Where is the understanding of Grace? Of the fact that none of us are perfect, and no one is worse than the other? Forgiveness?? interesting.

Another issue that arises for me is Haggard's hypocrisy. And what of Michael Jones? First of all, props to him for outing his lover who was sharing his bed, and then preaching the evils of homosexuality and publicly supporting a discriminatory and unconstitutional amendment. Secondly, the poor man. He must feel such a sense of betrayal. To prevent any further damage to his position and reputation in the Christian world, Ted Haggard (whom he had been intimate with for three years), cast him and all consideration for him aside , completely disregarding his feelings and his humanity and reducing him to a sinful act, a bad choice made, some sort of depravity that requires therapy to resolve. wow.
And the real issue here isn't the details of this specific case that was brought to the public's attention. The deeper issue is that this is not a rare occurrence, an isolated event. We are trading honesty and reality for hypocrisy.

Something else that this brought up for me was the human ability to define terms and create definitions for everything imaginable. By doing this, in essence, we have the ability to create our own realities...the laws and terms by which we live. The trouble is, groups and sects, (and major religions) can all create contradicting, differing definitions whose collisions can be disastrous.
I don't think that homosexuality is a "form of behavior" and i don't think that changing your behavior changes your sexual orientation; in fact, i know it doesn't.

And yes, you can change your behavior- who you date for example. And i know many who have. They believe that it is against God to fall in love with and pursue someone of the same physical sex and so, they break up. They stay single. They pray harder. Does this mean that their interest and attraction to people of the same physical sex just go away?? No. And does this mean that they will fall in love with and be physically and sexually attracted to someone of the opposite physical sex? In some cases, maybe. In most, probably not. In some, never.

I think we are all broken and beautiful people. I think if we could all just be HONEST with each other and be open about who we really are, we would all be so much better off. We could all let our bellies hang out and laugh together and realize that we are the same. And judgement would stop, because we would realize that we are what we're judging. I think that there are so many people in the church today that are hiding. And, metaphorically speaking, i think we all need to come out.