Hailstorm and Three-Year Old Wonder

Fiona and i experienced hail this morning.
She is so incredible.

Wanting

i search the archives
almost wishfully,
what am i looking for?

what a silly being
i am,
i think to myself-
half laughingly and half scared.
do i think i can really mess it up so badly
that the will of God could be deterred?

sometimes i embrace the mystery
fully
and joy expands my being.

sometimes i'm just sad and fearful
and alone.

this pull in my heart-
what does it mean?
or does it mean anything at all?

maybe i am just a silly girl.

maybe

i

am

just

crazy.


either way, really it doesn't matter. i don't think.

i write in code
so as not to give myself away
i hide
in words
and hazy phrases
that don't really say anything at all.

tonight it just hurts
and i want a room of my own
a sanctuary
with a coffeemaker
a cat
a bookshelf
and a window.

and a comfy chair to curl up in and read, write, sipping a cup of New Guinea blend. Maybe have etta or billie crooning on my stereo, keeping the loneliness at bay. maybe with someone who has the key, letting themselves in, whose entrance i feel more than hear or see.

my Jacob Grace.

you know, that book really f----- me over. (again.)
presented me with every ideal i could hope for, wish for....a happiness so incredible that it almost cannot be believed. a union of souls, depth of understanding and connection- and in the end? it all comes to a crashing halt anyway.
almost as if the author herself couldn't really bring herself to believe that it could happen, that love can exist like that.
so, why did i reread it?, you may ask- i think it is because i want to so desperately believe that it exists, and that it will stay. i couldn't bring myself to reread the ending. To ingest that ending again would be too traumatic to what faith i have left.

God-Shaped Hole, indeed.

sigh,
i want to love without fear.
"When the mystery goes, love goes..."

my heart whispers,
quietly, fearfully, hopefully-
stay
stay
stay.

Hafiz

THAT SHAPES THE EYE

Children
Can easily open the
Drawer

That lets the spirit rise up and wear
Its favorite costume of
Mirth and laughter.

When the mind is consumed with
Remembrance of
Him

Something divine happens to the
Heart

That
Shapes the hand and tongue
And eye into
The word
Love.

GooGoo Dolls

So take these words and sing outloud-

cause everyone is forgiven now
tonight's the night the world begins again.

Hmmm...

Let not our love divide us,
let not our love divide us.

If we do not live our passions, it is a slap in the face to God.

Music makes
my soul spin
and twirl
rejoicing
in the experience
of being alive-
and whether you call it
your "story"
or your "testimony"-
it doesn't matter.

semantics and pride
go hand in hand.

my strings are singing
about God's hand
in my life
through
people
places
instances
love
friendship
heartbreak
and human ties-

let not our love divide us,
let not our love divide us.

protestant
baptist
catholic
lutheran
emergent
unitarian
presbyterian
whatever man-made division you subscribe to-

you do not have the corner
on truth.
your way is not the only way-
humility leads us to understand
that we understand so little.

and we can come up with fancy words
and we can put each other in categories
but the heart of God cries out...Unify! Unify! Unify!

they will know us by our love-
let not our love divide us,
let not our love divide us.

Frustration.

Do you ever feel like
you are
not
having a conversation
with someone-
but rather, while you are talking
their face is saying, "i am listening"
when really
underneath
their mind is racing
analying every word you're saying
coming up with some retort?
some argument
to displace your musing?
and you realize
they weren't listening at all
and what you have said
has no effect on them

and is not valued

which is expressed
simply
by the act.

sometimes i wish a punch in the stomach could open the ears
and dismantle pride.

Reflections

Our ego must be healthy before we can let it go and be beyond it.
It seems that so many young people in the Christian church are moving back towards a creation-centered understanding of Jesus' teachings. Realizing that who we are IS beautiful, because we are an expression of God--that our innermost beings are not bad or evil, that we need not believe the deceptions of shame, guilt, or self-hatred. But rather delight in God in us.
The ego is our perception of ourself and how we want others to percieve us. It is the wall we build, the facade we recreate daily to feel acceptable to ourselves and impressive to others. It is seperation, alienation, and an obstruction to our True selves....the place within us where God dwells.
In order to move deeper, to reach a fullness of understanding, we must shed our egos like a snake sheds old skin that doesn't fit anymore. But in order to leave our ego behind, it must be a healthy one. If anyone thinks they are the best, if anyone thinks they are the worst- it is an unhealthy ego and cannot be shed.
For a person who has grown up in the redemption-centered Christian church, who has daily been confronted with guilt and shame and feelings of inadequacy or incapability- the ego is a wounded creature. This image of yourself must be healed before you can let it go.
For once it is healed and you understand the gift of yourself, the unique and irreplaceable expression of God that you are- you don't have to present a facade or worry about silly things...you can let go of that which you have held onto so tightly- you don't have to impress anyone, or prove yourself to anyone. you don't have to be someone you are not.
The ego is a barrier and will keep you from truly connecting with others, with God, with yourself. Once it is healed, it can be let go.

How beautiful to realze that we are all One, and yet distinct and unique expressions of God, simultaneously. i had thought that maybe there was some conflict there...but someone wise pointed out to me that as we celebrate our uniqueness and gifts we are reminded of our interconnectedness,(The hand cannot function without the eye), and as we remember we are all One, we can delight in the beauty that we create together, because of our very differences creating a fuller reflection of his/her Divine face.

Blue like Jazz...

Life is indeed
a musical masterpiece-
take up your instrument and play!
as in the psalms-
make a joyful noise unto the Lord!
play the guitar
play the piano
the marimba
the bass, the drums!
play your steering wheel, the sidewalk, a garbage-can lid!
play your thighs, your belly,
tap your toes as you dance down the street
engulfed in the rhythm
of the eternal Om
that vibrates and resonates
within, through, around us all...

this eternal song is constantly
playing
deepening and growing
a crescendo of greatest beauty-
with intricate melodies,
soft and tender-
loud and raging.

won't you join in?
sing in public-
dance down the street or in the office,
laugh hard!
let the joy of being erupt from within you
and pour out on those around you
don't mind laughter
or staring eyes...
rejoice in your wholeliness!
you will undoubtedly bless someone around you, someone in your path
whether you know it or not.
and you will surely delight the Great Musician who will sing and dance with you-

his holy laughter
healing the cracks and fissures
of the world.

Quote

"The most beautiful and most profound emotion we can experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the sower of all true science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead. To know what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty which our dull faculties can comprehend only in the most primitive form- this knowledge, this feeling is at the center of true religiousness. The cosmic religious experience is the strongest and oldest mainspring of scientific research. My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to percieve with our frail and feeble minds. That deeply emotional conviction of the presence of a superior reasoning power, which is revealed in the incomprehensible universe, forms my idea of God." -Albert Einstein

Gavel.

aching, aching, aching.

afterthought

...I have been wondering about people lately. how we interact, relate, and love one another. I watched a show on anorexia and bulimia today. A lot of the reading for my "Life and Death..." course has been reflecting on the delicacies of human relation.
How fragile is our humanity.
If we could all see that our wound is the same, that we are all broken- not one of us better or worse than the rest, maybe some healing could happen in the world. Politics, ethnocentric societies, Religion- all want to divide us and pit us against one another. How this must break the heart of God. Some say that Lennon's "Imagine" is some great communist manifesto, but look at the words, simply. what a beautiful prayer...a pure desire for peace among people.

"Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one."

...and understanding that peace must first be born in us, individually, if it is ever to reach the world. The bible talks about a peace that "transcends all understanding." Thicht Nhat Han wrote the book, "Being Peace" saying that we must have peace within our own beings if we wish to influence the world for peace. Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

I have also been thinking about loving and accepting ourselves. Thinking about the insecurities, doubts, and outright lies that i have believed about myself and have been perpetrated and perpetuated by myself, the society, and others around me. the self hatred and lack of acceptance, (let alone appreciation!) that i have kept myself bound with are now being confronted.

whew.

Sunday

))><((

ahhh-hahahaha!

what?

one must do something to amuse oneself while sick all weekend!

i'm researching the Hopi Indians as well...a little more productive, and very interesting.

Dreams

my dreams are currently being haunted
by an uninvited ghost.
not unwelcome,
just unexpected.
not quite sure what to do with her-
i think if we meet again tonight
i will ask her
what she's doing here
and what the purpose of her
return
might be

a muse of sorts,
visiting me?

a new song has arisen out of a vision
of my hands
caressing la guitarra.
i don't quite know what to make of it all...