restoration.

new levels of

intimacy
brokenness
understanding.

Aren't three-year-olds amazing?

A path has been revealed and now i must move...
take the initiative and do what is needed to get there. Not to mention all that is apparent in my daily doings that i need to stay on top of. Loading myself up with a full plate, which i am a little concerned about....A month, a month to put into practice all the discipline i am learning and so desperately need.
A time of growth, self discovery and expression.
I am working on two new songs....with one and a half also in the works...where is all this inspiration coming from?? sometimes writing a song is like trying to squeeze water from a stone, and yet lately my guitar and pen can't keep up! beautiful, inspiring, estatic. i am so thankful to have this outlet, avenue of self-expression. lately when i've been playing, i can't tell where my guitar stops and where i begin. Yum.

all this inner work, (while amazing and much needed) and i am beginning to feel a bit disconnected from the world at large. i cannot even begin to fathom the devastation that so many are experiencing from all the recent natural disasters. (what is going on??)
i've been trying to stay away from the political arena of late....to preserve my sanity more than anything...but i'm interested to see the outcome of the coming indictment. exposure? justice? we shall see.

hmmm, anyway.
off to bed...early morning swim, some espanol, three red-headed crazies (whom i adore), and some connection with wise women to wrap it all up. Yum, yum.

G'night.

ponderings.

what am i doing with my life?
too large a question. too heavy a response.
instead,
what am i doing right now?
where does God have me right now?
who can i serve here and how?
i fear that these questions (and answers) get lost in the daily frustrated questioning of where i am going and what i am doing. I need to remember to be in my day, in every moment searching for a way to love those around me, conspiring for good, meeting the needs of others.

what does a true heart of humility look like?

Yum.

such a beautiful morning
the company
the Creation
the shared work, a common goal
the radio
the food and warmth
Simplicity
Your Presence pervades it all...
how beautiful you are my Beloved
how tender and kind-
what blessings you pour out upon us
to be here
to be together.

kirkwood...

day of working hard, an AMAZING meal, now good conversation, laughs, hot shower, and bed!
i love it.
my hands are calloused and dry and my heart is quiet within me. what a beautiful place.
i've been craving work with my hands....this weekend was timely, and has been a blessing to my soul. I was feeling a bit sorrowful and confused last night and was pining for my guitar. Instead, i sat in a car and prayed. Honest and open, simply worded from the heart. Afterwards i felt lighter, relieved, calm, and peaceful- resting in the love of my Abba.
It made me think, what do i run to for comfort instead of praying, meditating, and connecting with God? Not that my guitar doesn't serve that in many ways, but sometimes i think in expressing the emotions within me (on guitar) i tend to dwell in them, and never reach a peaceful state, a resolution of some kind. Which i think is valid, too.
Anyway- time to go. Love to all, and peace.

Comments...

hey
you all can comment now...figured out how to change the setting.
and when i say "you all" i mean all two of you.
dave, this means you.
paz,
rach

recoiling at the sight of myself from the inside-outside-in

ani's raging guitar is washing over me
with just a hint of sorrow
the rhythm rising around me
and i slip in between chord changes
and lean against the notes
thumbs resting on the lips
of my front pockets,
elbows bent
with corners intent
on stoic solitude.
not sure if i am
slipping into
my tough girl act
or just acknowledging
old callouses,
like a rough heel
thickskinned and worn-
dry
cracked
and peeling in places.
so self-contained.
i wear my wounds like a badge tonight
look what i came through,
see?
i'm strong too.
strong
and roughly feminine
borderline
neither here nor there
just try to tie me down
i dare
you.

and somewhere soft
within me
recoils
at this vision,
i can see her
smiling sweetly
just waiting
for this tough girl
to clean up her act
to let go
and laugh
at herself
at the thought that stone
cannot be penetrated
that marble will not crumble
that walls built do anything more
than keep
her enclosed
in her loneliness.

ani lyrics...

you keep telling me i' m beautiful
but i feel a little less so each time
your love is so colorful
it flashes like a neon sign
but i finally drove out where
the sky is dark enough to see stars
and i found i missed no one
just listening to the swishing of distant cars

i was floating above myself
watching her do just what you wanted
poor little friendly ghost
wondering why her whole house feels haunted
i told myself i was strong enough
that i had plenty of blood to give
and each elbow cradled a needle
but listless and faint ain't no way to live

so i hope i never see
the ocean again
pushing and pulling at me
as i go deeper and deeper in
til i'm so far from my shore
so far from what i came here for
i let you surround me
i let you drown me
out with your din
and then i learned how to
swim

so there's that.

aching
aching
the earth is quaking tonight
with labor pains
and my heart is slowly
turning away

she's upset with me
for the rollercoaster
i've stuck her on
i'm feeling foolish
and tired-
aching
aching

ending and beginnings
have blurred together
so painfully
maybe i've stretched myself to thin
maybe i've loved too soon again
always a mess, this
part of my life
and maybe it's just tonight
but my heart is seeping
shaking
steeping
waiting
quietly raging
crying and
breaking

with this
aching
aching.

¡Tranquila, Corazon!

the

cravings

are

killing

me.

but i fight
deny
flee
everything
that is obscuring my vision
("be Thou my vision....")
oh God please deliver me.

things always overwhelm
at night
alone
in an empty house
(again)

do i flee this too?
these situations that i am so unhappy in?
or do i stay, and struggle
with the hope of learning and growing
into something more
something less

desperate for you my Abba
please lead me
illuminate my path
what do you have for me?
silence?
solitude?
whatever i have, whatever i am
all yours
i count them as nothing
take me o God-
Father your will be done...
my will is a path of sorrow
and ennui
i reject old ways of being
Jesus thank you for inviting me
to new-ness

Que quiere senor?
tiene mi corazon, mi alma, mi vida-
son suyos.
todo daria, no importaria-
por un instante en su presencia.
ayudame senor
carinarme, con su corazon tierno
porque-
mi corazon me duele mucho.
algunas veces no puedo
respirar por el dolor.
pero, ya sabe.
sabe todo, mucho mas que yo.
por eso, senor, gracias.

oh my Sweet One,
you are too beautiful
for words
too holy for these eyes
"i repent in dust and ashes"
break me til i'm only yours.

Love is a Verb.

swam today....felt great!
life is so much easier (and fuller) when we stop resisting the lessons and instead have an available, teachable heart.
obedience to our Beloved brings so much joy!!

the music benefit i was a part of this weekend was amazing. So many people coming together to give their time, gifts, talent, money to help others. very beautiful, very inspiring. $1000 dollars was raised to help those suffering from the effects of the hurricanes.

while there, a friend of mine inadvertently taught me a huge lesson, unknowingly served as a very humbling reminder. i was sitting in the sanctuary (main room) of the building with some friends and a man came in and wanted to talk to my friend and i. we had been sitting near to the end of a pew, and this man came and squatted on the floor at the end of it, putting his face slightly below ours. He was tall and kind of scraggly looking, i had seen him earlier, standing by himself in a room full of people. As he began to speak it became more and more clear that he just needed to tell his story, needed someone to listen to him.
As this man begins to share his life with my friend, i am mentally disconnecting. Thinking, 'this guy is going to talk forever', 'how socially awkward', terrible things like that. Terrible, but a natural response for a lot of people i think. As the conversation progressed, my friend stood up. I had no idea what he was doing- was he going to leave mid-conversation? was he attempting to make a tactful escape? no, my friend stood up and kneeled down on the floor next to the man, on the same level, and continued to listen from this position.
my friend, Earl, is blind and yet he was able to see this person so much more clearly than i was. Earl saw this man's need, his hurt, and listened with genuine interest and compassion- he invited this man to share more of himself, and he commented with such wisdom and grace.
What generosity of spirit, incarnate tenderness! Earl thought nothing of time, of appearance, of social rules or norms, he simply loved this man. Offered what was needed, his time, his ears!, a compassionate heart.
How beautiful, and how humbling. I was too caught up in my self, i would have missed this. While Earl was on the floor with this man, i just looked at him, tears streaming down my face. What a beautiful God we serve, and how beautiful his creation when we reflect his light.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and angels , but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." (1Cor. 13:1-3)

Oh Jesus,
i want to be your heart- beating for those who are lost, speaking to their pain, bringing healing words of kindness, listening with compassion and grace. You are a wonderful Healer, your heart is so tender and your beauty is so powerful.
"Todo daria, no importaria-"...mi corazon late por ti.