Off for the Weekend....

just finished up my work for the week and i am headed down to Taos!

thought 1.
wondering about being really and truly genuine, and what that means. Social interaction can be a funny thing- what is the balance? when do you speak up and say exactly what you think and/or feel, and when do you smile and nod and look for the nearest exit??
also, motivations. sometimes people say something that is so utterly transparent it almost hurts. do you ignore the "hidden" intent? do you call them out on it??
what is polite anyway?

thought 2.
where are all the women?!? the testosterone here is becoming a little suffocating...

Moving Day.

the shuffle setting
is sending me back
in my memory
as old Ani albums fill my head,
and i smile slowly
as i think back
on all the roads
i have traveled
that have converged, here,
on this spot.

as i move my things
from dorm to cabin,
i realize how much i have with me-
luxurious, actually, this living
on the road,
and i think back to "home"-
my things in boxes there.

when i get back
i think i will throw it all out.

it's funny
having space that is my own
again,
it's been a long time.
all my nesting tendencies
come back full force
as i lay what few
decoration-like things
i have with me
out on the bare hardwood
shelving.

a white cat makes herself
at home on my bedding,
snuggling in
and i feel like doing the same.


i have been loving living in community with people here- sharing kitchens and bathrooms and showers- even sharing the dorm room with a couple other women. The community cooking that sometimes happens and the community eating that always happens have both been wonderful.
And yet, having this small space to myself is going to be a good thing, i can feel it. the introvert in me is grateful. the extrovert in me is feeling full and satisfied.

i am so glad to be here. what growth and learning is happening...

Tommy.

I am so incredibly blessed to be loved the way i am. I think maybe we get what we need, which is sometimes more than what we deserve.

Conversation,
me: "you've done something for me that no one has..."
him: "what's that?"
me: "you've given me grace and set me free from something."
him: "what is Love if not that?"



humbled, am i
broken and snot-nosed
eyes swollen from crying
begging forgiveness
for the way that i am,
have been.

fighting deeply
for what i love,
for you, my Love-
battling my demons
from the
inside out,
Love chooses me
and has broken down all my doors-

i am unspeakably vulnerable,
and deeply yours.

te amo con todo mi corazon...el hogar de mi corazon es en el tuyo.
te adoro- no tengo las palabras que pueden explicarlo. mi amor le pido a Dios que nunca me dejes, y que siempre estes contento y feliz en tu vida. vivimos en nuestros corazones. siempre.
perdoname, por favor.

Monday Adventures

I have been staying up at the Snow Mansion a little under a week now, and it has been incredible. I have been getting up early and exploring the surrounding area- which is so beautiful, i cannot believe it. Went rock climbing with a group of people i met at the hostel when i first got here and hiked up to these waterfalls yesterday. There was a storm a couple of days ago, so it was a bit snowy and sometimes slushy, but the falls were swollen from the melting snow and rainfall- and was breathtaking.

Just getting up and being in my body- challenging it physically has been so good. This is the kind of exercise i like!! Climbing rocks, hiking, exploring- all the while with just incredibly beautiful nature around me, surrounding me. Such a blessing to be here.

There is a large cast of characters at the Mansion- so many beautiful, funny, quirky people. Many of them searching for something- home, love, themselves. It has been so wonderful spending time with them. My dorm-mate, Sharon and i stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking about Education, children, our lives, God and religion, the feminine wound. Just so many people put in my path, whom i can learn from and speak with from the heart.

I only have to work two days a week there, so i have a lot of free time, which i have been using wonderfully- playing guitar, helping Mouna, planting vegetables in the garden, reading, writing, getting closer to people.

So beautiful.

I can feel myself creating new patterns, feeling better about myself and my body, falling more and more in love with people and Life. The natural woman in me is coming out and is loving it!

Have to go now, Natalie, Hamza, Tommy, and i are going out to be in the sunshine and play frisbee and go explore the area around the hotsprings on the Rio Grande. Good to have them visiting and good to be going outside to play!

All my love to those who are not near me now...

Meeting.

Last night I had a vision,
that God opened me up like a piece of fruit and cleaned out all the
rotted parts inside.
When I asked, about all those parts and all the people who had caused
the wounds, the rotting,
She told me, "Don't be angry with them, for they
do not yet understand."

And with those words all the empty, carved out spaces filled with Her
Love and Compassion.

Today.

So much has happened. I am in a much better place now. That last blog was a bit disheartening, i know.

I spent the latter part of this week watching the "kids"- Tommy's little brother and sister, Austin and Hope. They are such amazing children. Lifegiving- their presence was so refreshing and joyous.

I am in the process of redefining productivity and keeping perspective. Lightening up a little bit. Having the kids around really helped that. Watching them observe and experience the world around them with wonder and awe reminded me.

simply that, reminded me.

Last night I had a conversation in which i reacted really strongly to something that was said- almost shockingly so. When that sort of thing happens i really have to look at the deeper issue-and i have realized that there is a part of me, that is deeply and inherently feminine, and is wounded.

Somehow i knew before this trip, that this would be about my Womanhood. Just as I knew last trip that it would be about healing myself and my relationship to/with my Dad. It is interesting to me, that this has arisen. Now, here. And that there is a Meeting this weekend for Ladonna, Tommy's sister.

There are things that have happened to me in my Life, perpetrated by men or circumstances, that happened because I am a Woman. Simply that, no other reason. Things that could not, or would not have happened to a man. And i have begun to realize that i am angry and i am really, really deeply hurt by that. And that it is good just to say that. And that now, i know, healing will come. Because we cannot heal what we do not admit has wounded us.

It is good for me to realize that i do not need to stress and worry about what i am DOING necessarily, or what job i am going to land, but rather, inner work, and BECOMING, and healing. This is more important.

Argh.

Frustrated with myself today. Have so many amazing books to be reading and i cannot focus on any of them.
I did go up to Arroyo Seco in pursuit of some work, but the woman i needed to talk to wasn't there.
So, back to Taos and an unproductive afternoon.
Wondering what will come up or if i need to go out and pursue....and what balance is a good one. I have the nagging feeling that i am not living out my days to the fullest, that i am not soaking it up enough or something. and then i recognize that i am looking to the pursuit of work to do that, which is a load of crap- like this dependence on the selling of my labor in order to feel productive.
yikes. that's a cultural/societal thing that i do not want any part of.

much more free time means much more discipline is needed. the discipline to get my butt out of bed and practice my guitar and study theory and chord progression and find a good yoga class and write and READ and retain and help others however i can...and and and and!

some reprogramming or resituating is necessary here.
argh.
i wish there was some social work out here i could get into...most everything is retail or food service...which i have NO issue or judgement about, i am just needing something...else.

i know this is passing, that Mouna will call me and have something for me to help her with, and that spending time at the Snow Mansion will be rewarding and good. i just don't want to slip into passivity or any form of laziness because it makes me crazy!!!

feeling pulled in a lot of different directions internally, feeling like i am still going through the fire and being refined and changed and thrown into all sorts of lessons to learn.

which is good, and i am thankful for.
i'm just frustrated today.

and missing folks.

Quick Update

Sorry about the lack of posting...been having technological issues. my apologies. :)
the previous post was something i wrote when i first got here.

Went snowboarding yesterday, which was a BLAST- i love the feeling of the mountain beneath me and the cold wind hitting my face, it is so exhilarating. such a beautiful day. i am paying for it though...i am unbelievably sore today. :)

The landscape here is so beautiful, breathtakingly so. I was driving back from Santa Fe to Taos today and came over this small ridge and caught a view of the entire Taos valley- from the depths of the Rio Grande gorge to the heights if the Sangre de Cristo mountain range. Amazing. I recommend to anyone who has the ability to travel to come to New Mexico, especially to Taos. The way the light hits things here is magical.

more later...my love to all.

Taos in February.

spilt-milk skies
overhead
clouds like i have never seen
the desolate beauty of this place
astounds me
once again.

it feels like i never left
and the red-hued earth
welcomes me
with open arms
the snow capped mountains
embrace me
from all sides
of the landscape.

laughing until the point of tears
wrapping words
around our tongues
metaphors and puns
and paddling them
back and forth
like ping-pong balls
across the space
of eternity
and the center consul
between us in the car-
such joy.

and i can't shake the feeling
of being
exactly where i'm meant to be
at exactly this moment
this journey
of coming into my Self...
as Woman.