Argh.

Frustrated with myself today. Have so many amazing books to be reading and i cannot focus on any of them.
I did go up to Arroyo Seco in pursuit of some work, but the woman i needed to talk to wasn't there.
So, back to Taos and an unproductive afternoon.
Wondering what will come up or if i need to go out and pursue....and what balance is a good one. I have the nagging feeling that i am not living out my days to the fullest, that i am not soaking it up enough or something. and then i recognize that i am looking to the pursuit of work to do that, which is a load of crap- like this dependence on the selling of my labor in order to feel productive.
yikes. that's a cultural/societal thing that i do not want any part of.

much more free time means much more discipline is needed. the discipline to get my butt out of bed and practice my guitar and study theory and chord progression and find a good yoga class and write and READ and retain and help others however i can...and and and and!

some reprogramming or resituating is necessary here.
argh.
i wish there was some social work out here i could get into...most everything is retail or food service...which i have NO issue or judgement about, i am just needing something...else.

i know this is passing, that Mouna will call me and have something for me to help her with, and that spending time at the Snow Mansion will be rewarding and good. i just don't want to slip into passivity or any form of laziness because it makes me crazy!!!

feeling pulled in a lot of different directions internally, feeling like i am still going through the fire and being refined and changed and thrown into all sorts of lessons to learn.

which is good, and i am thankful for.
i'm just frustrated today.

and missing folks.