huele de lluvia.

the smell of rain.

this afternoon is deeply melancholy. the sky is overcast and the rainfall started a little while ago- too light to be exhilarating, too heavy to be out in it. The trees seem weary of the bounce-back between thunderstorms and sunshine.

this afternoon, i can relate.

do you ever have those days when you're down, feeling grey, with no real reason? i mean, it wasn't an exceptionally exciting day, but it wasn't that bad either. its just this middleground, inbetween, BLAH.

i think maybe its more internal than external, but then, where is it coming from internally? maybe it's a little bit of anxiety mixed with sadness. and a touch of apathy.

i don't consider myself an apathetic person by any means...but you know that feeling when you have a lot to do, prepare, think about, and yet no time to do it until tomorrow? that kind of feeling- kind of stuck or waiting or something.

Acceptance.

"Be faithful to that which exists within yourself." -Andre Gide.

Something I Need To Say.

Papa, I am your daughter.

But i am more than that too.

I am a Woman
whose Heart speaks louder than
anything your discouragement
can say.

And She tells me
that happiness is more important than
some illusionary American dream.
that your support and understanding
is not worth my misery.
that Life is abundant
and my Mother will provide-
that money is not the end-all or controller
of my destiny and dreams.

And i will return to the place of my birth
different
and more grown than before,
as i come into my Self
and claim my Womanhood
for my own.

Mama forgive me for any distancing i must do
or have done,
please understand, it was never To you.
a necessary step in my path,
my journey towards
Me.
I adore you with all my heart-
honoring the Wild Woman in you
that has always nurtured
the Wild Woman
in me.

and Papa please understand, if you can find it
within you to do so-
that i am not your little girl anymore.

and that i cannot be anyone
but Me.

and i simply cannot search any longer for my self worth
in your approval or words-
and please know that my wandering feet
and searching soul
are not made
for the paths
that you have known.

So, here i am
slightly brokenhearted
and struggling,
knowing that the rock and hard place
i find myself between-
are neither one for me.
so i will slip out
quietly
and find some place
in the shade of my Creator's trees,
dig my toes in deep
and breathe.

This is Me.
Aqui Soy.
the daughter of my father's rage
and my mother's forgotten dreams.
i am not perfect
nor pretend to be,
but i do hold me to the highest
standard of Me.

and i will grow
and i will break
i will rise from the dust of my ashes
with a Phoenix cry-
i will stumble
i will reach, soar, fly.

and even if i fail
by this world's standards or my father's
at least i will not have ignored
the Voice within me.

"Flying Blind"...Written Last Tuesday

Sitting, listening to a a song that my friend Rachel and her mom Celeste wrote and sing together.

"My heart is trying to find its way home." Beautiful.

I haven't written much lately. I've been working and spending time with friends, Mouna, Tommy's family, and Myself. I have been feeling like i have been myself more and more- i am wearing shoes as little as possible, just to feel the Earth beneath my feet. The mud and dirt between my toes. Grounding myself to this beautiful Earth. I have been writing more, working on my jewelry, climbing, and hiking, playing guitar, praying, meditating. Singing, always singing.

I played an open mic last night at the Taos Inn and felt really good about it. I completely lost myself in the last song, and wasn't nervous or even entirely aware of everyone else there. Tommy said it was the best he ever heard me play it. It felt good to lose myself in the music i was creating.

As i come more into Myself, expressing who i am through different mediums and avenues, i have found that i fear what people may think of me when i return to California. I feel like i have changed so much in this time spent here. The love and respect of people i love is important to me- i can only hope that those who truly love me back home will respect the truths of my heart and love the woman they see.

i have become more aware of aspects of myself that i want to see change- fear, anger, places in me that do not reflect compassion and love. We always have more to learn, more to heal. i want my presence to be one of peace and sanctuary for others- radiating Love and Compassion. i cannot be or do this if i am not centered and grounded and peaceful within myself.

As the time comes closer to my return to California, i find myself moving into a place of transition again, not quite here, not quite there- pondering my time spent here, and planning (to some extent) the rest of my stay. I feel that the Snow Mansion, Mouna, and this place in general, are not quite through with me yet. I think i will be returning once more sometime in the future, for a stay. We'll see.

There are many thing i will miss about Taos, the mountains, the Rio, the fresh air and slower pace of Life. I will miss all the people i have met and loved at the hostel, Tommy's family, as well as the community of the Native American church and the frequent opportunities to go to Meetings.

I think about the Life i will create for myself back home- the pace, the luxuries of a car and phone (or not?), friendships i will pursue, how i will cultivate a lifestyle that reflects what i have learned and is healthy for me- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. i am excited.