"Flying Blind"...Written Last Tuesday

Sitting, listening to a a song that my friend Rachel and her mom Celeste wrote and sing together.

"My heart is trying to find its way home." Beautiful.

I haven't written much lately. I've been working and spending time with friends, Mouna, Tommy's family, and Myself. I have been feeling like i have been myself more and more- i am wearing shoes as little as possible, just to feel the Earth beneath my feet. The mud and dirt between my toes. Grounding myself to this beautiful Earth. I have been writing more, working on my jewelry, climbing, and hiking, playing guitar, praying, meditating. Singing, always singing.

I played an open mic last night at the Taos Inn and felt really good about it. I completely lost myself in the last song, and wasn't nervous or even entirely aware of everyone else there. Tommy said it was the best he ever heard me play it. It felt good to lose myself in the music i was creating.

As i come more into Myself, expressing who i am through different mediums and avenues, i have found that i fear what people may think of me when i return to California. I feel like i have changed so much in this time spent here. The love and respect of people i love is important to me- i can only hope that those who truly love me back home will respect the truths of my heart and love the woman they see.

i have become more aware of aspects of myself that i want to see change- fear, anger, places in me that do not reflect compassion and love. We always have more to learn, more to heal. i want my presence to be one of peace and sanctuary for others- radiating Love and Compassion. i cannot be or do this if i am not centered and grounded and peaceful within myself.

As the time comes closer to my return to California, i find myself moving into a place of transition again, not quite here, not quite there- pondering my time spent here, and planning (to some extent) the rest of my stay. I feel that the Snow Mansion, Mouna, and this place in general, are not quite through with me yet. I think i will be returning once more sometime in the future, for a stay. We'll see.

There are many thing i will miss about Taos, the mountains, the Rio, the fresh air and slower pace of Life. I will miss all the people i have met and loved at the hostel, Tommy's family, as well as the community of the Native American church and the frequent opportunities to go to Meetings.

I think about the Life i will create for myself back home- the pace, the luxuries of a car and phone (or not?), friendships i will pursue, how i will cultivate a lifestyle that reflects what i have learned and is healthy for me- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. i am excited.