I Want to Do Something Beautiful.
And i'm not sure What that means yet.
with Who.
When.
How.
and all those other defining questions that have been persistent and unanswerable, haunting.
i feel like i am in the midst of giving birth to my Self- heaving and laboring to somehow knit together my experiences, my passions, the very core of me- into a Woman of unified purpose and a Life of love, compassion, and balance.
i feel also that i have ceased to speak the same language. not with everyone, but with many.
at times i catch a glimpse of it- all that could be. dreams of community, lavender fields, bees, music, art, and a sustainable way of living. these days are wonderful.
other times, i feel incompetent, incapable, and do not dare to hope that such things could come to pass. those days are me, at my lowest.
i think morale will improve when i am done working in Danville- i have had some encouraging turn around with the kids (ie: i'm not crying on my way home anymore) but the atmosphere can de very draining, even depressing.
a huge part too, i think is that i am in pieces- pieces still working towards the Whole. How do i integrate all that i love? all whom i love, may be the greater question.
its interesting- i will be overwhelmed by all those questions and then i take a step back and look at myself- and laugh til the tears come.
how ridiculous.
what is this all about here, despairing or dreaming???
c'mon rach, lighten up.
3 comments:
Is it at all possible that your efforts to positivley influence your world have drained you so dramaticly that maybe you cant see the changes you instagated. every great book stats with just one letter. every great journy starts with just one step.
chill out
we will have bees, lavender, and goats.
dude. i understand. this is poetic. a child of truth, you're yearning and have so many questions.
sometimes it's nice to have your questions answered by a human, " I don't know." with pinched eyebrows and expressions of deep thought, sharing your heart in the matters.
that to me, is huge. and even if they don't help me w/ my questions, i feel a sense of companionship. and that somehow eases the darkness of lonliness..and breeds more hope for a better future. and that indeed, God is real, and He's good. and it'll be okay one day.
This might not be what you need to hear. I just am saying it because it freely flowed.
I enjoyed reading your post, and I relate.
cup a tea?
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