The Weight of Glory

"There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.

Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations- these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit- immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously- no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner- no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment."

-C.S. Lewis

This book is really beautiful. Lewis defines "Glory" and explores our desire for it. So many beautiful and thought-provoking quotes i would like to share.....just go out and get it and read it yourself!! :)

Exactly.

"With reckless abandon I leap into His arms trusting His good and perfect will."

Exactly.

Beginnings and Endings

Why do we have two separate words for an idea or concept that is the same, inseparable? I wonder at the power of language- maybe things wouldn't seem so disjointed if we didn't perceive them that way, if our language didn't reflect that.
Hmm, (shrug) interesting.
So.
These past couple of weeks have been full of... Bendings, shall we call them? (i think that actually might be pretty close to a more accurate term).
Learning again, to trust in God's goodness and provision. Understanding and trusting in the love of my Father, my Abba.

and with all that in mind, still comes the definitive statement:

Cars suck.

There is just no getting around it, really. It was kind of ironic because i had been talking so much about wanting a car-free existence and then it landed in my lap. Ha!
i wasn't entirely ready for it...Need to keep the income flowing for awhile first.
And therein lies the lesson-
I spent the last two years of my life constantly scheming- frantic with worry about how i was going to make rent, where i was going to work, where i would be living the next month, how it would all work out. I made myself sick, i really did.

Which brings me to Today and Trust. Everything i was able to eke out for myself completely fell apart, was disastrous and unhealthy. When i finally reached the end of my rope, fell on my face, and asked for help- God was SO faithful to provide for me. He seemed to be saying, "Little Beloved, why didn't you ask earlier? I've been here waiting for you to ask." In the words of my youngest charge (and friend)- "Silly Rachell."
Silly indeed.
So now, i have decided to not worry, knowing that God will open a door, or window, or porthole, or sewer cap. My Father will take care of me according to his unfailing love. This i know is true.

You know, in the end, we really are all going to be okay. Even with all the mistakes, all the missed opportunities, all the wounds we inflict on others and ourselves, all the details that drain us, all the failed plans, dreams deferred- even with all this- We are all going to be okay. We really are.
Think about it- the issues that you obsessed over 5 years ago (three even!) the things you lost sleep over- didn't they resolve? And can't you look back now and see, wow, you made it through.
Not to say that we don't have "BIG" stuff in our lives, hardship, heartwrecks, major pains that can and sometimes do continue through the years. But if God is faithful in the small things that don't really matter,(like a car) why woudn't he be just as faithful in the big stuff too??
Today and Trust.
Today and Trust.
Also very connected words...."Do not worry about tomorrow-" that implies that we must trust that God is concerned about tomorrow and will, or has already, taken care of it.
Hmmm, (smile).
Silly Language.

solitude

this next week is going to be amazing-
time for painting
READING
writing
playing music
climbing
possibly performing.

learning and learning and learning
working on forgiveness
wanting to rid my heart
of all bitterness

freedom.
this word is a spector...
changing shape and definition
depending on the day
the space
the time
and context

my drive for intimacy has
been extended to the whole world-
and most of all
back to me
"To thine own self be true..."
who am i in you, my Beloved?
i can see you in every face i meet...
each person on the street a singular and unique
manifestation of your Creativity
your Beauty
your Dream.

...Peace to all- during the Holidays and always.

SLAM.

I want someone
to observe me
from afar
to see
my ink-stained fingers
and wonder
what brilliance
i may have written

to silently inquire
of my eyes and ears
who they have seen,
what they have heard-
to ask the curve of my lips
where they have been

i want someone
who is enthralled
before ever hearing my voice
and who is intrigued
upon the hearing of it,
i want someone to
pursue me-
to enjoy me like
a glass of red wine
like dark chocolate
a good book

i want someone
who will read me like a novel
unwrap me like a gift
and hold me
with both hands open

i want someone
whose being is not a cage
or treat
held out to lure me in
whose love is not
handcuffs
or rope
or chains.

i want someone
to see me wholly,
and want to dive in and explore-
i want someone
who wants to slip in
to the space between
soul and skin
and listen to the rhythm
of my pulse's Om

i want someone
whose whole being
vibrates with curiosity
and wonder
and awe
who doesn't let the simplicity
of beauty
pass them by-

i want someone
who wants themSelf
whose inner search
has commenced
and is the greatest adventure
they have ever known.

i want someone
who doesn't want to make me happy-
but who just wants to wander
beside me
for awhile...

i want someone
whose words are like a balm for my heart
whose smile
is like a warm fire
that my soul can curl up next to-

i want someone
who is not safe
but who is good.

i want someone
to adore me
and who in turn
can bathe in the pool of tenderness
that wells up from the deepest place
in my being
i want to love someone
more deeply
than the stars have ever known-
i want to be broken open
to have my vulnerability
spill out
and be swept up
cherished and revered.

i wrote a song for this girl once
who told me it broke her heart
when i looked at her quizzically
she said, "oh, i meant opened."

broken and open are the same thing.

i want someone
who has swam
to the bottom of life's
deepest sorrows
and found the Joy that waits there

i want someone
whose heart
is broken
and open
and 'empty
with such fullness'

i want someone with room
with time and space
and no place to be
who's content
just to sit
and breathe.

Connect and Create!

the connections have been crazy lately.
people from the past, close friends coming home from school, meeting all kinds of new people through friends. good, good stuff.
i feel like i am finally coming home to me.
feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin.
went to a different gathering on sunday morning and was moved...very beautiful hearts, a truly humble body wanting only to glorify God.
there was a woman who sang with her face upturned and i swear you could see God's love glowing in her face...so earnest, very beautiful.
Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as i am,
Empty handed, but alive in your hands.

Been frequenting this poetry slam in berkeley of late...so inspiring!! i love pure self expression, it is so powerful.
Yum.

Ring of Fire.

i don't think i can read your blog.
i will want to dialogue, to pick your brain
and understand your heart.

funny, your blog is where i used to go
to try to get an inkling of what was going on in there...
a messenger between us
putting voice to the unspoken words
of connection
that weren't ever audibly communicated.

why didn't you tell me earlier??

the last i heard
my thighs were too large
and you were very concerned i might try to take charge
take over
and steer your dreamboat in a
different direction
(ok, i realize this is not entirely fair
but it's how i felt at one point.)

and then...? wonderful? greatest mystery of life?
the switch has been flipped again.
you called me captivating and lovely today-
why did you wait?
why did you wait until my heart had packed her bags and left?
starving for the words of adoration
that would keep her plump and healthy,
that would keep her home.

instead, she's off to roam
to find more of her Self, maybe...
and it's all for the best i guess-

just wish she didn't have to rip herself at the seams
to seperate herself from you.

Grace

Tookie Williams, may God hold you in his arms tonight.
May peace be yours.

A Dancing Heart...

I have lived on the lip
of insanity, wanting to know reasons,
knocking on a door. It opens.
I've been knocking from the inside!...

Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you're perfectly free.

-Rumi

As the worries, excitements, joys, sorrows, pain, and elation wash over me i sit very still. I can feel their movements around me, surrounding me, in me, through me. I grope for nothing, grasp nothing in my hands or heart. I honor each emotion simply because it is. I do not force, i do not resist. Breathe, breathe. i can feel some rhythm arising in me. It is quiet and steady, constant, welcoming, and warm.
My heart is dancing. She is free. Because she knows what my head cannot, will not:
Life is full. Beauty is the simultaneous existence of the greatest sorrow and deepest joy. To live mindfully is divinity manifested.
I've been searching for home, i have found it to be an elusive ideal, trying so hard to track it down. I've had this inner struggle, is home something we create by being? Arranging things, situations and people around us in such a way? Or Is it something we have to cultivate within ourselves?

My heart smiles, she's been waiting patiently for me to catch up. Curvacious and supple, i watch her naked silhouette as she leaps up to show me the way. She knows where home is: i watch her, she's running ahead of me, looking back to see if i'm following, to see if i am captivated. I am, and i watch as she slows her run to a walk, and with deliberate movement, confident and graceful, she steps in and curls up to the space where the very breath of God breathes in me.
She snuggles in close, like a child in wonder, in adoration. Like a lover, fully known, vulnerable, real and purely her Self. In the holy moment, she has lost herself, almost forgotten i was there- following behind, waiting. When she senses my presence, she opens her eyes slowly and looks at me warmly. She doesn't say a word, but the warmth and depth hidden in her large green eyes invites me in and says, "Didn't you know? The Divine One dwells within you- you are God's Creativity, her Compassion, his True Expression- our Beloved will never leave you- for he cannot! He is intricately woven into every fiber of your being."

Rest, dear heart, you are home.

settle, settle, leave restlessness behind...?

What will bring me home?
What will make me stay, stay?
What will bring me home?
What will make me stay, stay?

...well, i don't know-

French Toast and Cigarettes.

its been a weekend full of nerves, laughs, heartbreak, joy, internalizing, and release. The sorrows and joys of life are so intricately intertwined- at times so extreme and yet occuring simoultaneously.
Love is elusive. My heart is aching- pulled in so many different directions.
i've held it together all day, now i am feeling a big cry coming on.
how do i hold all these things in balance?
the past year of my life has been quite the adventure....rollercoaster might be a more appropriate term.
Who am i? The sum of my experiences?
I am craving conversation unhindered by attraction or repulsion...simple friendship, without terms or conditions. I know a few, but they are out of reach...a phone call or plane ride away.
So instead, i stew and fight back tears.

I am tired of feeling this way.

Cyclical- i'm always depressed this time of year. But it feels like the past year was full of so many sorrows- deaths, breakups, seperation, self-deceptions, alienation, rejections- it feels like i haven't had a break in a long time.

[....then i hear a quiet whisper in my ear, the voice of God in my heart...
he says, "Dear Sweet Child, don't you think i know about a broken heart?"]

oh yeah.
still a vacation from aching would be nice.