French Toast and Cigarettes.

its been a weekend full of nerves, laughs, heartbreak, joy, internalizing, and release. The sorrows and joys of life are so intricately intertwined- at times so extreme and yet occuring simoultaneously.
Love is elusive. My heart is aching- pulled in so many different directions.
i've held it together all day, now i am feeling a big cry coming on.
how do i hold all these things in balance?
the past year of my life has been quite the adventure....rollercoaster might be a more appropriate term.
Who am i? The sum of my experiences?
I am craving conversation unhindered by attraction or repulsion...simple friendship, without terms or conditions. I know a few, but they are out of reach...a phone call or plane ride away.
So instead, i stew and fight back tears.

I am tired of feeling this way.

Cyclical- i'm always depressed this time of year. But it feels like the past year was full of so many sorrows- deaths, breakups, seperation, self-deceptions, alienation, rejections- it feels like i haven't had a break in a long time.

[....then i hear a quiet whisper in my ear, the voice of God in my heart...
he says, "Dear Sweet Child, don't you think i know about a broken heart?"]

oh yeah.
still a vacation from aching would be nice.