I am one crazy lady.

[Insert biggest sigh ever-in-the-history-of-everything HERE.]

i am ....ALONE!!!!
i am puppy-dog sitting and i have the ENTIRE apartment to mySELF!!!
Hallelujah!
holy moly!
This is so great!
I could scream right now and no one would know!
I could dance around singing ridiculous 50's pop songs at the top of my lungs!
I could cry
read
write
play guitarra-
sit
in
silence!
Wow.
This is so great.

Now, to the crazy lady section of this blog (if you don't consider the earlier bit to be that....) I am so torn about what i want to do. I mean somedays the clarity makes my eyes water and my heart rejoice and other days- well, i feel like this.
i know what makes me come alive. i know my passions...now God, how exactly do i squish all those things together? ......and AFFORD it????
it is both a blessing and a curse to be of the artistic persuasion. Nothing i could imagine myself doing would ever make ANY money. Not that money is what i'm after- not at all. I am very content to live humbly for the rest of my life, die with very little material posessions. It's not that. It's just....that it costs money to live!!! to travel, buy art materials, guitar strings, food...things of this nature.
Hmmm...
There are always so many factors.
People, places, timing...

:-P ("pthhhbbb.")
...Thats how i feel about that.

You know, this all sounds very light and comical- this blog, that is. But really this is something that weighs on my heart a bit.
I think the comedy routine serves to provide some levity.
So....
imagine dancing chimpanzees and loud circus-type music...
children, skipping in circles,
shannon singing songs about elephants in her head,
oompa loompas!

what the heck- anything that is utterly ridiculous and makes you feel slightly scared and belly laugh at the same time.

gosh i miss shannon.

i need someone to go nuts with.

it's kinda worrisome, i think, when you are all alone writing things like this.
i may erase this so you all don't seriously begin to question my sanity.
-What will you think??-

yikes.

Beautiful.

where am i?
sage burning
stomach full of fresh veggies
cooked in my latest
therapy session with the stove
ears pervaded by the songs
of aspiring singers
dreamers
people who are
reaching for something more
than what they know

my body is tired
and i'm worn a little weary
tonight

needing space
and quiet
change of residence maybe
would inspire
a more soul-friendly space
for me to just be
it's not me
it's not you, them, they, we
it's now
it's where, when, and how-
who i am.

and who am i?

the mystery wraps her arms around me tonight,
i am broken down
and rebuilt a thousand times
every moment
eternity echoes around me
awake and alive to the Beauty-
which is to say, the Sorrow,
Life,
God,
All,
One.

earthquakes shake these days
and i realize how precious Life is,
how necessary it is to fully live every moment we recieve
and i am so grateful,
so grateful.

Love, even if we share but a moment of this Life
the resonance of Om, of harmony, of love
will echo, resound, expand
in my being
in every moment
all eternity.

Amado Nervo

Muy cerca de mi ocaso, yo te bendigo, Vida
porque nunca me diste ni esperanza fallida
ni trabajos injustos, ni pena inmerecida;

porque veo al final de mi rudo camino
que yo fui el arquitecto de mi propio destino;
que si extraje las mieles o la hiel de las cosas,
fue porque en ellas puse hiel o mieles sabrosas;
cuando plante rosales, coseche siempre rosas.

...Cierto, a mis lozanias va a seguir el invierno:
mas tu no me dijiste que mayo fuese eterno!
halle sin dudas largas las noches buenas;
y en cambio tuve algunas santamente serenas...

Ame, fui amado, el sol acaricio mi faz.

Vida, nada me debes! Vida, estamos en paz!

What the Heck?!?

pastors? elders?
lack of authenticity
lack of love
protocol
church politics

grieving the
heart
of God.

Ha haha whee!

whhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

one more

..."I recalled a story a woman had told me about her six year old daughter. The child, freshly home from Sunday school, was reporting to her mother what she had learned that day about God. Over and over she referred to God as "he." Her mother asked, "Why do you say 'he,' Ashley?"
"Because God is a man, Mommy."
"But why is God a man?"
Ashley thought a moment, "I guess because God thought that was the best thing to be."

There's somthing infinitely sad about little girls who grow up understanding (usually unconsciously) that if God is male, it's because male is the most valuable thing to be. This belief resonates in a thousand hidden ways in their lives. It slowly cripples girl children, and it cripples female adults."

On this blog i often refer to God as both "he" and "she" in order to demonstrate that God is both he, she, and neither. Also, i think to attempt to compensate for the centuries of denial of the sacred feminine. And yet to refer to God solely as "she" makes me uncomfortable still. which is very interesting to notice and think about. what is it in me that cannot fully allow for feminine divinity? what patriarchal voices am i carrying still?
But really, why not? God is often referred to in terms that are definitively male- and yet it is insisted that God is neuter and it is only a pronoun, the limits of language. so why not the other way around- why is that uncomfortable? why would many Christians i know squirm in their seats? very interesting.
these are really just intellectual musings, surface thoughts that are reflecting a much deeper pondering, reckoning, coming to self.
i can't yet fully talk about it...it has not taken the form of words yet.
one more quote, and then i'll go.

" Until women can visualize
the sacred female they cannot be whole
and society cannot be whole."

-Elinor Gadon

quotes to ponder

"In some ways, spiritual development for women, perhaps unlike that for men, is not about surrendering self so much as coming to self."

"When you can't go forward and you can't go backward and you can't stay where you are without killing off what is deep and vital in yourself, you are on the edge of creation."

"This is a stupendous moment for a woman--when she decides to live from her own inner guidance. It is, however, excruciatingly hard for a patriarchal daughter to accomplish....
What is held over her head is condemnation, even damnation. We've been led to believe that leaving the circle of orthodoxy means leaving the realm of truth. Typically the church has considerable stake in our staying in the orthodox circle. It knows if we claim ultimate authority as something in ourselves, as some inchoate voice in our own souls, it has lost all power over us. We have rendered ourselves independent, outside its control. We have stepped out onto our own path. For some reason this scares people senseless.
It terrified me just pondering it.
Women grow afraid at this moment because it means giving up a world where everything is neat and safe. In that world we feel secure, taken care of; we know where we're going. Then we wake up and find the old way doesn't work, that it no longer fits our identity, that by clinging to it, we're cutting ourselves off from something profound. But we cling anyway because it's all we've got. We call our desire for security loyalty. We yearn for something we've lost as women, but it's so unknown, so unbearably unknown. And then one day it all comes down to this: Can we trust ourselves, our inmost selves, our feminine wisdom?"

Tonight.

Fragile, so fragile.

And this the hour of my disillusionment

i pick up my phone
and put it down again
at least a dozen times.
there are
people to call
but really, what would i say?

tonight's one of those nights
when i wish i could
drive and
drive and
drive
my way into Solace.

Like a Child.

Oh God, what have we done to your Church?
compartmentalized
divided by man made philosophy, theology
do we forget that man's Greatest Wisdom can't even touch God's stupidity?

for those of you with God locked in a box-
worshipping at the altar of your Ego,
don't you know that God cannot be limited?
he is bigger than you or me
she is bigger than you or me
divinity cannot be defined
the greatest Mystery of the universe cannot be fully comprehended-
our minds cannot grasp Him,
if they could, She would not be God.

i am grieved.
how did the church become so ridden with politics and protocol? like the Pharisees we are making up ridiculous rules that God never imposed upon us-
i want to stand up and shout
like the prophets of old,

wake up!
unify!
reject the lies of division,
throw out all that does not reflect
the beautiful heart
of Christ!
flee pride!
unify!

like a child, like a child, like a child-
full of wonder, awe
so close to joy
and sorrow
living in the moment, purely and simply-
children
have no concept of time
they do not worry about tomorrow or the next time they will eat-
they trust completely that it will be provided
that they will be taken care of.
children
do not reject other children
because of outward perception
they love wholeheartedly
wonder and awe
laughter abounding

jesus rejoiced in children, gave them his time
with no thought
of the next thing he needed to get to...
can you see the heart of God??

Come like a child,
come like a child to Me.