Where is my cave?

trying hard not to let situations affect my perception of my self and my worth.

not working.

Pieces of Thing

If your intentions are pure
I'm seeking a friend
for the end
of the world.

it's a long long road
it's a big big world-
we are wise, wise women
we are giggling girls...


Be my Friend-
hold me
wrap me up,
unfold me
i am small...
come breath me


the entirety of "untouchable face" by ani


he doesn't need me
he just wants me
around



sometimes songs just speak for me much better than i am able to speak for myself.
tonight i am just achey. i had a beautiful day too...i don't understand.

oh well, won't spend too much time with it tonight. sleep.

On this day in 1989...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY HOONIE!!!!!
i love you so very much. you are in the deepest part of me, my sister.

Endings and beginnings...

hearts beating true,
we dance to our own rhythms.

i can't explain the ins and outs
and all the other
crazy directions that
our paths have taken,
but in my deepest heart
resounds this knowing,
affirmation.

rest your heart.
know that only Love abounds, and Love sets you free.

Pretty Prophetic-Powerful-Crazy...

"Allow the President to invade a neighboring nation, whenever he shall deem it necessary to repel an invasion and you allow him to do so whenever he may choose to say he deems it necessary for such purpose -- and you allow him to make war at pleasure. If, today, he should choose to say he thinks it necessary to invade Canada to prevent the British from invading us, how could you stop him? You may say to him, 'I see no probability of the British invading us'; but he will say to you, 'Be silent; I see it, if you don't.' "

-Abraham Lincoln, expressing his opposition to the Mexican War in 1848.



...Dang.

Orange-Colored Sky

I don't even know if you read this blog, but sometimes a gratitude runs so deep and expands so vastly that it must be expressed.

Thank you for talking
and for
who you are.

Musings...

I've got that "I (Heart) Huckabees" song in my head...doo-dunh dadah doo-dunh...
you know the one.

i've been thinking a lot lately about how we make time for what is important to us. so, i've been thinking about what i have been spending my time on and the delicate balance i'm somehow managing to stumble along.
i'm working a lot and wondering if it is worthwhile. i want so much more time to read, write, play the guitar, enjoy and connect with those i love. but also, i need to be saving dinero to fund my time in mexico and the three months i won't be working. so maybe, this is a season of working with rest to come? then i will be coming back and changing focus. being able to devote more time to learning, loving, music and the like.
it sounds so good.

struggling with my place lately- in relationships with others.
crazy family- what is my role? what degree of distance is healthy and what is cruel? am i just avoiding the situation? am i tresspassing in co-dependency?
in other news, i have stumbled across some resentment in my heart. it grieves me and i am dancing around it, wondering what the best way is to deal with it. releasing pride, admitting vulnerability, growing in grace for others and myself.

i know deeply that i am in a time of preparation right now. i feel a growing sense of responsibilty- to be intentional and introspective in my living, in my loving.

What could possibly be more exciting than being alive??

Making Silly Faces...

Fiona and I laughed so hard this morning that i cried. Holy moly that child is hilarious.

she's trying to do one-arm pushups right now....HYSTERICAL. ohmegosh.

earlier she started singing the "Pink Panther" theme out of nowhere.

What the heck?! This is my job??!?

Back from the Dead...

Feeling much better these days. I wrote this fantasticly funny blog about my misadventures during my illness but my parents' computer is having difficulties and somehow it was lost...SOB! alas, the world has missed out on a quite comical, slightly feverish blog. oh well. i might have just thought it was funny because my brain was mushy.
Anyway.
Had a beautiful experience on Sunday. i went to the "church without walls" in berkeley and then spent some time in good company afterwards. Matt and Rena invited me into their home for dinner. We spent time laughing and interacting with their son Noah, who is 1 and a half. Genuine, authentic conversation concerning "church", life, family, God, and relating to others in honest and vulnerable ways. it was so beautiful and i was so thankful for their warmth, hospitality, and the connection.
Connection without falsity or pretense...i felt comfortable, wholly welcome, and relieved. it was just what my soul needed.

Then yesterday, back to work at the coffee shop. i was feeling kinda down, i think it was a combo of the grey weather and some worrying i was doing. While i was working, an older woman, a regular named Gail who is "feisty" and hysterically irreverent, came in and gave me a gift- a necklace similar to the one i had commented on when she had worn it previously. Her necklace. It was incredibly thoughtful and generous. And it gave her such joy to give. I couldn't believe it.
Then later, a woman who works in the center came in and asked me if i was feeling better, that she had heard i was really sick. We chatted and i explained what had gone down, and she told me to listen to my body and take care of myself. Then when i asked her what i could get her she said, "Oh nothing- i just came in to see how you were doing." What the heck?!? i've talked to this woman maybe a total of four or five times. Yet she puts herself out there to show me care and concern. I turned to my boss and asked, "What IS this place??!"

It's crazy and beautiful- the community that has arisen there. Strangers interacting, getting to know each other in the early moments of their day. I cannot tell you how many connections i see happen every morning. It is really beautiful. And the regulars are something else...sometimes nosy and all too ready to offer advice, but more than anything showing care and love towards one another and all of us who work there. It is something else.

Then this morning, seeing my girls for the first time in over a week...very cool. The older two were tripping over each other to tell me about their weekend and the youngest was snuggled up in my lap. Magical. :)

I am so blessed.

I start school tonight, which worries me a bit. busy again. but i think i will be able to settle into a rhythm, and adjust what needs adjusting.
i'm feeling a bit disconnected from friends in far places...san jose, san francisco, santa cruz.... to any reading, i miss you guys dearly and want to see you soon.
Planning the summer out- it's the middle of june! (dear friends will be here in less than a month!!!! Ahh!) the fall, heading to Mexico, New Mexico, and then back for Christmas with the fam. Trying not to worry about school timing and such...ugh. We shall see.

Peace to all. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. :)

Pobrecita...

How can i explain to my little hermana that the heartbreak she's feeling will pass? How do i explain that sometimes first love ends in disaster? and that the worst part is the loss of that first ideal?
Maybe i don't explain anything at all, just listen. i think this is better. i just hate to see her hurting.

Question.

what do you do, when you've just held your mother as she sobs that she wants more from her life?

"...cause it doesn't remind me of anything."

good song.

spent the day at the coffee shop where i work. it was the one year anniversary party of my boss running the place. so many people, laughter, food, music. it was really beautiful to see Manami's friends and family come out and support her in her dream endeavor, and it was so wonderful to see the community that has sprung up in and around this place all come out and spend time together. i am really blessed to work there.
good people, good coffee...what more could a girl ask for?

and good music! jeez loowheez...
Manami's husband and his friend Paul were singing and playing the Blues... guitar-harmonica-goodness. yum.
i sang and played for a bit, good fun. i think one of the customers and i are going to try to organize some open mic spoken word/music nights...should be interesting to see what comes of it.

quiet night tonight. i'm going to head out to the Redwoods tomorrow morning for my sabbath. if you all have never been to a forest of redwood trees, i highly recommend it. the silence is amazing. it is a full silence. you walk into the forest, away from the sounds of society, and the silence simply envelops you. embraces you. it's like being embraced by peace and stillness.
"Be still and know that i am God" takes on a whole new meaning.

anyway, good night. i am watching a romantic comedy. i am such a sucker for a good romantic comedy. ugh.

hee hee. oh well. :)

Coca-Pola and Dr. Seuss

Got some great shots of the girls the other day...
made me realize how much i miss my camera and photography.
hmmm...i need to invest in a new camera. i'm thinking digital...but a really good one.
any suggestions???
kristen, are you out there?