What, Who, and How.

what is it exactly to re-create or re-imagine that which already exists? to make it one's own, right? to find a way in which it resonates with your innermost being, Who-You-Are inherently?

that is beautiful. but for it to become a missional work- isn't that the same thing the evangelicals are doing??
and to re-create the language that is used in this new context...and to have it become "THE" language, set of terms, way in which things are spoken of and understood...isn't that the same as any other organized establishment?

also, when does gathering and discussing move into action and living? or is that all intertwined? really i don't think talk is worth a damn thing.

do you think the study and discussion of theology could be defined as attempting to understand God through the intellect?

i wonder.
all just questions- i don't assume to know much.

"Follow" by Richie Havens

Let the river rock you like a cradle
Climb to the treetops, child, if you're able
Let your hands tie a knot across the table.
Come and touch the things you cannot feel-

And close your fingertips and fly where I can't hold you
Let the sun-rain fall and let the dewy clouds enfold you
And maybe you can sing to me the words I just told you,
If all the things you feel ain't what they seem.
And don't mind me 'cuz I ain't nothin' but a dream.

The mocking bird sings each different song
Each song has wings - they won't stay long.
Do those who hear think he's doing wrong?
While the church bell tolls its one-note song
And the school bell is tinkling to the throng.
Come here where your ears cannot hear-

And close your eyes, child, and listen to what I'll tell you
Follow in the darkest night the sounds that may impel you
And the song that I am singing may disturb or serve to quell you
If all the sounds you hear ain't what they seem,
Then don't mind me 'cuz I ain't nothin' but a dream

The rising smell of fresh-cut grass
Smothered cities choke and yell with fuming gas
I hold some grapes up to the sun
And their flavor breaks upon my tongue.
With eager tongues we taste our strife
And fill our lungs with seas of life.
Come taste and smell the waters of our time-

And close your lips, child, so softly I might kiss you,
Let your flower perfume out and let the winds caress you.
As I walk through the garden, I am hoping I don't miss you
If all the things you taste ain't what they seem,
Then don't mind me 'cos I ain't nothin' but a dream .

The sun and moon both arise
And we'll see them soon through days and nights
But now silver leaves are mirrors, bring delights.
And the colors of your eyes are fiery bright,
While darkness blinds the skies with all its light.
Come see where your eyes cannot see.

And close your eyes, child, and look at what I'll show you;
Let your mind go reeling out and let the breezes blow you,
And maybe when we meet then suddenly I will know you.
If all the things you see ain't what they seem-
Then don't mind me 'cuz I ain't nothin' but a dream .

And you can follow-
And you can follow-
follow...

Hmmmm.

So i know that a large part of the "having issues" here has to do with me wanting to run away from challenge. I feel like i am doing some really important (inner) work right now, some really major stuff. and its a little scary.

and a lot exhausting.

do you ever feel like, "Okay Life, i'm gonna take a little break now, just a breather, and i'll be back soon..."? i've been thinking about that the last couple of days. i feel like the last year has been lesson after lesson after lesson- forgiveness, healing, growth, challenges-- don't get me wrong, all good things. Amazing actually. i just feel tired now. like my soul-mind-body-spirit needs a little cat nap. you know, just maybe 'rest my eyes' for a few minutes.

so, this is where the resistance comes in, you know? i am feeling a little depleted too. its hard to face deep personal challenges when you feel like you JUST got done with the last one and you really don't know if there is any strength left in your tank.

the other part though is feeling like i don't fit in, feeling isolated and not relating to the culture and society around me. Life in New Mexico was a lot closer to the earth- more grounded and slower paced.

switching gears, almost.

i read this letter to the editor today in Danville's local newspaper complaining about a local charity group that feeds those who are hungry (lunches/dinner, groceries, etc.), i think its called "Fishes and Loaves" or something. The jerk who wrote this letter had an issue with all the "undesirable people" it was bringing to the neighborhood.

wow.

i found myself RAGING (inwardly) about the injustices of the distribution of wealth in this country (and in the world, really) and how some people can live so completely removed from the suffering of others- like this guy. how dare those poor people come and taint his neighborhood- he shouldn't have to see them or hear them, or even know they exist. he actually called them "dirty" in his letter.

furious, completely disgusted, and feeling helpless i drove around Danville blaring all the anti-war, anti-corporate, social justice Ani Difranco songs i could think of. borderline ridiculous, i know, but what else could i really do??
this place really wears on me.

anyway- more thoughts later, i guess. i just wanted to expound upon what i wrote the other day. gonna go pick up my girls and play in the park.
sandcastles and silliness sounds like a good remedy to me.

Breathe In, Breathe Out.

Since i have been home i have been really bad at getting in touch with people, and haven't really gotten together with anyone- please don't take it personally.
I am having ISSUES.

i feel homesick and restless and overwhelmed. at least once a day i have daydream fantasies of packing a bag, grabbing my guitar and without telling anyone- just TAKE OFF. drive away, alone.

that's not normal, right?

i absolutely and completely adore the children i am working with, but the city they live in sucks the life out of me- i feel like i am shrinking...though, i am holding my own here better than i was when i left, i guess thats good.

i'm not sure i fit in here anymore. this is really rough.

I'm BaaaAAAaaack.

Hey All-
i made it back to the bay area in one piece! (mostly). It only took two and a half days on a Greyhound bus! (NOT something i recommend to anyone who values the health of their back or their sanity). It was quite the experience.
whew. anyway.

I went to my sister's graduation last night- CONGRATS HOONIE! to anyone who knows and loves (how could you not?) the Hoonster- she has a blog now!! check out her link to the right....

moving back to the "big city" has been quite an adjustment, but i'm doing alright. to any around i'm planning on a SC beach trip on Friday......who's in?!?!? hit me up- email or you can call my parents house to get ahold of me.

love to all- and more writing later.
peace.