Great song, Trina.

Thank you.
I forgot how much Tom Waits blows my mind. he's amazing.


Dont go to church on sunday
Dont get on my knees to pray
Dont memorize the books of the bible
I got my own special way
Bit I know jesus loves me
Maybe just a little bit more

I fall on my knees every sunday
At zerelda lees candy store

Well its got to be a chocolate jesus
Make me feel good inside
Got to be a chocolate jesus
Keep me satisfied

Well I dont want no anna zabba
Dont want no almond joy
There aint nothing better
Suitable for this boy
Well its the only thing
That can pick me up
Better than a cup of gold
See only a chocolate jesus
Can satisfy my soul

When the weather gets rough
And its whiskey in the shade
Its best to wrap your savior
Up in cellophane
He flows like the big muddy
But thats ok
Pour him over ice cream
For a nice parfait

Well its got to be a chocolate jesus
Good enough for me
Got to be a chocolate jesus
Good enough for me
Well its got to be a chocolate jesus
Make me feel good inside
Got to be a chocolate jesus
Keep me satisfied.


also check out "Way Down in the Hole" by him.

old song.

from my childhood. from some muppets movie, i think. Jaja! how strange- such an unlikely source of wisdom. :)


when the Spirit says move,
you gotta move.

when the Spirit says sing,
you gotta sing.

when the Spirit says Dance!
you gotta dance
when the Spirit says Dance!
you gotta dance,
when the Spirit says dance
you gotta dance, oh lord-
when the Spirit says Dance!
you gotta dance.

Teachers.

"She's So Heavy..."

can you hear those crazy Beatles harmonizing in your head? i can.


i have been so heavy lately. ugh.
like quicksand-living. that's as close as i can come to describing it accurately.
like carrying boulders while your feet start sinking into the ground. every step you try to take to climb out of it, or at least to stay-ground level, only creates the suction that pulls you in deeper.

phew. it's heavy just writing about it.

it's times like those that i need to be more still, i think. to sit quietly, to wait it out- let it pass over me. instead of identifying with it, and possibly even selfishly indulging a bit...like a pig rolling in it's pen-- yes, it may be satisfying, but it's still mud and shit that you're indulging in.

i was thinking back to 'Tuesdays with Morrie', a book i read in one of John's Humanity classes. in it Morrie explains his understanding of the pratice of "detachment." he talks about not being able to let go and release emotions, even anger and sadness, until one has felt them fully.
i cannot let go of sadness if i have denied it's existence by refusing to feel it.

makes sense to me.

i went to the forest the other day. not even 5 minutes in, i could feel my soul quieting. breathing. remembering.

i need to go there as often as possible, i really do. it's so close to mi casita, it's ridiculous not to. It helps me so much. i have been feeling more connected to the forest than i have to the ocean, if that's possible. i think it's the trees.

i had this thought, while sitting on the forest floor, looking up at the Redwoods towering over me;

the trees are our elders.

and it's true- probably every tree in that forest is at the very least half a century older than i am. they have seen so much change- more than i can imagine.

and they dance.

you should see them- when the wind moves through them, at the top, they sway back and forth. more than you would think physically possible. it is so beautiful.
it reminds me of the ani lyric "what doesn't bend, breaks."
it helps me so much to watch those trees dance like that- with such grace. the wind, a mighty force, is pushing and pulling on them- if they were to resist it's movements they would break and die. but because they don't, because they are able to bend, to give, to surrender to the movement of the wind- they live on. they grow. they dance.

if only i were as wise as those trees.

Writing.

"It's funny the things you remember, in retrospect.
The bits of conversation, the intensity of emotions of a single moment, the exchanges and relations. Things that at the time, rustled in your chest, whispering significance. Things that at the time, you were unable to place in the order of things, within the context of your Story.

As I look back over the last five years of my life, and back even further still, I can see a thread, thin and almost indistinguishable at times, strong and taut at others. I wonder sometimes how those moments seem to know their own importance and embed themselves in our memories.
I am searching for this thread, finding the places where it is the strongest and most clear in order to trace it back through the thickets and brush, through the times and places in my Life where it was weak and faltering and so much harder to see. I am searching for the thread of my Story, in order to understand myself. In order to flesh out the bones and weave this thread into a tapestry of Life. Of My Life.

When we have sought and gained understanding of our own thread, our own Story we can perhaps better understand our place in the World, in the Weaving of Stories and find the ground to stand on in order to share those stories to mend tears and bridge divisions, to create healing and more Life.
Always more Life.

And so, i have found myself here. In the midst of a gut-wrenching, jaw-aching, tear-streaming struggle. A struggle of deep gratitude and joy- for I am laying out the groundwork of my Life, working out Who I Am and what it is I Am here for. "

...that's a bit of writing from awhile back. good to re-read, possibly expand upon. For this latest class I've been taking I had to write a spiritual autobiography. I was thinking about posting it.

Raincheck.

baby, you're right as rain
about the benefits,
but you might be wrong
about the cost-
and it feeds my heart
that you came
looking for me,
but i'm thinking i need to stay lost.

and i know my mind is made of matter
but i need to know exactly
what is the matter at it's core,
because my heart
is just a muscle-
yes, and simply put,
it's sore.

so nevermind about the benefits
nevermind about the costs
that don't change the basic premises
in which i am surely lost.


-ani.

Today.

Eyes brimming
vision swimming with a
hundred thousand
faces
i've been camping
on the border-line
of a meltdown
for hours now,

'Hello, how are you?'
'Oh, just fine.'

rehearsed responses
stale speech
with little weight
and no
meaning,
we bounce off
each other's bumpers
like those
silly
bumping cars-

driving in circles,
crashing head-on
with strangers,
no
destination
that
we
know
of.


someone
once told me
that
'breakdowns lead to breakthroughs'
but
i've been
breaking down
every couple'adays
now
and i'm beginning to wonder,
Where exactly
is
through?


all my lines are
curvy,
waxing and waning-
i move like the
Earth,
surely but slowly-
and i wonder
if She
struggles with
boundaries
the same way that
i do-
cause we've walked all over
Her,
giving no thanks thats
due her
glorious body-

and to the surface of
my
skin-like crust
rise bruises
like continents-
swimming
in the oceans
of my
discontent,

and i am trying.
i
am
trying.

WILLING TO FIGHT.

THE WINDOWS OF MY SOUL

ARE MADE OF ONE WAY GLASS

DON'T BOTHER LOOKING INTO MY EYES

IF THERE'S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO KNOW

JUST ASK

I GOTTA DEAD-BOLT STROLL AND

WHERE I'M GOING IS CLEAR

I WON'T WAIT FOR YOU TO WONDER

I'LL JUST TELL YOU WHY I AM HERE

CAUSE I KNOW THE BIGGEST CRIME

IS TO JUST THROW UP YOUR HANDS

AND SAY THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME

I JUST WANT TO LIVE AS COMFORTABLY AS I CAN

YOU GOTTA LOOK OUTSIDE YOUR EYES

YOU GOTTA THINK OUTSIDE YOUR BRAIN

YOU GOTTA WALK OUTSIDE YOUR LIFE

TO WHERE THE NEIGHBORHOOD 

CHANGES

TELL ME WHO IS YOUR BOOGEY-MAN?

THAT'S WHO I WILL BE

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE ME FOR WHO I AM

BUT WE'LL SEE WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF

BY WHAT YOU MAKE OF ME

I THINK IT'S ABSURD

THAT YOU THINK I AM A DERELICT DAUGHTER

YOU KNOW I FIGHT FIRE WITH WORDS

WORDS ARE HOTTER THAN FLAME

WORDS ARE WETTER THAN WATER

I GOT FRIENDS ALL OVER THIS COUNTRY

I GOT FRIENDS IN OTHER COUNTRIES TOO

I GOT FRIENDS I HAVEN'T MET YET

I GOT FRIENDS I NEVER KNEW

I GOT LOVERS WHOSE EYES 

I'VE ONLY SEEN AT A GLANCE

I GOT STRANGERS FOR GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN

I GOT STRANGERS FOR ANCESTORS

I WAS A LONG TIME COMING-

I'LL BE A LONG TIME GONE

YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE

TO DO SOMETHING

AND THAT'S NOT VERY LONG

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A CALL

WHEN YOU DECIDE YOU'RE 

WILLING TO FIGHT-

FOR WHAT YOU THINK IS REAL

FOR WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT.

-ANI

O Sensitive Heart.

co-dependent for the world-
i am
feeling
every
little
thing
so,
so
deeply.

i see the pain in other people's eyes
and the place between
my
sternum and spine
aches
with it.

Thoughts on a Friday Afternoon.

It's funny looking back on who you have been in different periods of your life.
Who you were at that moment, and also the thread that you can trace back that allows you to recognize a little bit of who you are now, in the person you were then.

I look back at the people I was with at one time or another, and I can see myself attracted to different people for different reasons at different times...based upon what was growing in me. Based upon what new self-knowledge I was gaining. I would never be with any of those people now, because I have grown to know myself more, and can see the poor match.

I think marrying someone before you know yourself is the worst decision you can make. I worry for all these young religious folks, who are getting married younger and younger...and for what? What's the friggin' rush??

(Just a guess, but i think the "abstinence" principle might have something to do with it.)

I no longer understand the rush to bind your life to someone else's- for the rest of your life.
And I say this as someone who wants to have a Life Partner that I grow old with. Living life together and growing old together is a powerful kind of Intimacy that I look forward to creating with someone, over years and years of laughter, growth, trials, and ever-deepening love.

Just get to know yourself first, kids. That's all I'm saying.

Surrender.

'to be crucified with Christ'
is what the
Sioux
were doing
before they had ever heard
that name.

today
i remember
that this, too,
is what Life is about-

how easily i forget.


Great Spirit,
thank you for your Goodness
your Kindness
your Tenderness.

Help me to walk in Humility.

Help me to remember what it means to Surrender.