"She's So Heavy..."

can you hear those crazy Beatles harmonizing in your head? i can.


i have been so heavy lately. ugh.
like quicksand-living. that's as close as i can come to describing it accurately.
like carrying boulders while your feet start sinking into the ground. every step you try to take to climb out of it, or at least to stay-ground level, only creates the suction that pulls you in deeper.

phew. it's heavy just writing about it.

it's times like those that i need to be more still, i think. to sit quietly, to wait it out- let it pass over me. instead of identifying with it, and possibly even selfishly indulging a bit...like a pig rolling in it's pen-- yes, it may be satisfying, but it's still mud and shit that you're indulging in.

i was thinking back to 'Tuesdays with Morrie', a book i read in one of John's Humanity classes. in it Morrie explains his understanding of the pratice of "detachment." he talks about not being able to let go and release emotions, even anger and sadness, until one has felt them fully.
i cannot let go of sadness if i have denied it's existence by refusing to feel it.

makes sense to me.

i went to the forest the other day. not even 5 minutes in, i could feel my soul quieting. breathing. remembering.

i need to go there as often as possible, i really do. it's so close to mi casita, it's ridiculous not to. It helps me so much. i have been feeling more connected to the forest than i have to the ocean, if that's possible. i think it's the trees.

i had this thought, while sitting on the forest floor, looking up at the Redwoods towering over me;

the trees are our elders.

and it's true- probably every tree in that forest is at the very least half a century older than i am. they have seen so much change- more than i can imagine.

and they dance.

you should see them- when the wind moves through them, at the top, they sway back and forth. more than you would think physically possible. it is so beautiful.
it reminds me of the ani lyric "what doesn't bend, breaks."
it helps me so much to watch those trees dance like that- with such grace. the wind, a mighty force, is pushing and pulling on them- if they were to resist it's movements they would break and die. but because they don't, because they are able to bend, to give, to surrender to the movement of the wind- they live on. they grow. they dance.

if only i were as wise as those trees.