I Want to Cry.

Big heaving sobs. The kind of cry that leaves you with an aching head, puffy red eyes, and a chest cavity that feels just a little bit lighter.

Life is such a beautiful teacher, but sometimes I just need an effing break. And to be perfectly honest, there are some lessons I don't want to learn, dammit. I don't. They're big and they're scary and I don't know if I can handle it.

Sometimes I feel so deeply conflicted and what I desire always seems to fall on two extreme sides of the same spectrum simultaneously. I am a walking duality, constantly.

And then there's the issue of asking of myself what I would ask of others. I want freedom, but I don't want to give it. I want to not be judged, and yet I judge. And the list goes on and on. No joke.

Days like today don't negate or invalidate those Magical ones, when everything is beautiful and I have understanding. In fact, I know those days couldn't exist without days like this one, and vice-versa.

But man, it's hard not to run away.

I have an overbearing and too-well-fed 'Fight or Flight' mechanism in me--and I feel like I don't even know what my other options are. I'm looking for them. I need them desperately...cause this is exhausting.