quote

Who I am is what I have to give. Quite simply, I must remember that's enough.

Esperanza.

Another Merc article that i neglected to mention earlier, told the story of a 17 year old boy (a Bellerman student!) who is repairing old bikes for the homeless, jobless, carless.
How encouraging.
This 17 year old kid is giving those who would otherwise have no way to get to work or a job interview. He is giving them a free mode of transportation and the chance to get back on their feet. He is meeting their need. What mercy, what a blessed gift this must be for those who are receiving it.
There are people in the world who are loving, who are working for good.

another thought on my earlier blog...
I didn't explain who the anawim are...it is a Jewish understanding- the term anawim refers to all those who are marginalized by society, those that the world does not seem to care about. The "unclean." The oppressed, the suffering.

The people that Jesus ministered to, spent his time with, healed.

Thich Nhat Hanh, wrote, "When you understand, you cannot help but love. You cannot get angry. To develop understanding, you have to practice looking at all living beings with the eyes of compassion. When you understand, you love. And when you love, you naturally act in a way that can relieve the suffering of people."

Who are the anawim today? Generally speaking, what is the church's reponse to them?
Seeing the beauty in everyone, regarding each and every individual in the light of who God is and how much he loves them...this requires much Compassion.
Was there anyone that Jesus did not extend his Compassion to?

Morning reflections.

Tuesday am...sitting in the cafeteria reading the SJ mercury news. Depressed and aching at all the sorrow in the world.
A two year old killed by a train.
A man, nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize four times while on death row, now begging for clemency from 'the Terminator.'
Iraq.
Corrupt and deceitful politicians who will never see a battlefield themselves. Completely detached and distant from the depth of pain and astounding levels of human suffering.
Did you know that whales and dolphins, some of God's most beautiful and peaceful creatures, are dying from the amount of noise pollution being emitted in the oceans from our military and oil exploits???
So much sorrow.
Like a sponge, i soak it up-and just feel it for awhile...for it seems like so few do.

We are killing whales and dolphins with the sounds of our hatred.

Destruction begets destruction, and i am weeping. God, your heart must be breaking.
I look up from where i am sitting and see a bunch of posters lining the windows, advertising events and clubs and such. I see one that is announcing the screening of the movie, "Saved" and then i see that it is being put on by the GSA (gay-straight alliance) of Chabot.
Gaaahhh! How my heart aches within me- Jesus what have we done to your church??? How we are failing the world around us!! There is such desperate need for restoration. For Christians to remember (or learn in the first place) what the HECK you are (and were) about.
The anawim of today's society are the very people that Christians exclude and try to shame.

God is in the piss and dung. -J.D. Salinger

God is in the Castro.
God is in the drug house, the prostitution ring, the porn studio. God is in the tax collector's office, the Magdalena's quarters. He is in every place that is uncomfortable, scary, and putrid. Every place that no "God-fearing" Christian would go.
When you see the homeless man on the street, so filthy that his skin is stained black, do you look into his eyes and see the most beautiful, valuable, PRECIOUS person to the heart of God??
What about the prostitute?
What about the flamboyant gay man?
What about the butch lesbian?
What about the hustler? The beggar? The addict?
Do we recognize the beauty in everyone? Do we see that God is madly in love with each and every person we encounter??

ARGH!!!!!!!
...so there's that.

new.

some people carry baggage on their backs for so long
that the straps meld into their skin,
well i've never carried anything for too long-
my baggage is within.

this heart has been broken too many times
i don't know if she can love again
I said this heart has been broken too many times
I don't know if she can begin

then i hear a whisper in my ear
the voice of God in my heart, He says
Dear Child, don't you think I know
about a broken heart?

Jesus laid his heart out for all to see-
and we crucified him on a cross.
and still his invitation calls to you and me-
Come and rest here in My arms,
Come and rest here in My arms.

everyday is a heart break for God
as we flee from His Son
yes everyday we break the heart of God
as we reject His love

and so i know now that when i pray
GOD, PLEASE TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY
He sits right down beside me
takes my hand and says,
Dear little one, I understand.
I understand.

and so i'll pour my heart out
with every breath i take-
Jesus, if You want my broken heart
that's a sacrifice i'll make
cause Your heart is breaking everyday,
Your heart is breaking everyday.

i heard a whisper in my ear
the voice of God in my heart, he said
Dear Sweet Child, don't you think I know
about a broken heart?
Come and rest here in my arms.
Come and rest here in my arms.

Sunday Yum

I am electric with connection
alive from the friction of interaction
-(iron and iron sharpen one another)-
fellowship and gathering
have truly blessed me today.

The body of Christ is beautiful.

God's spirit moved me this morning, woke me up to remind me who He is, who i am, what an amazing adventure he is continually inviting me to.
Living, breathing, being the Kingdom as He reveals more and more of his beauty. Our God is a jealous God, a jealous bridegroom....he wants our whole hearts!

in my reading this morning i stumbled into Jeremiah, where it talks about Israel and Judah as sisters. Israel is faithless and will return to God in repentance, while Judah is called "treacherous" for returning to God in deception--not wholeheartedly. Wow. I cannot say without much ache that i have been a treacherous woman in the past. Again and again i fear. The grace of God is beyond my comprehension- Jeremiah 3:22 says,

"Return, O faithless sons and daughters,
I will heal your faithlessness."

Mmm. How this speaks to my heart. I look back at all my periods of faithlessness, at all the dark deeds that occurred there (which grieve me) and i try to see the motivation lying underneath....why would i leave such loving arms for such empty wretchedness???

My wounds.
An utter sense of worthlessness that ate at me, constantly keeping me from the love that God was offering. I left what i did not fully understand and could not accept to be true.

This made me think about God's heart. Whenever i see someone i know suffering (emotionally, mentally) in their lives and i can see that they could be free from the pain--I ache for them. There is this yearning within me (this deep-gut-wrenching-heart-pulling yearning) to comfort them, to hold them, to simply envelop them in love--this is the heart of God, i think. He aches for us in our pain, calls to us softly-"Let me hold you, let me love you. Let me heal you."

Starting a new book, friend recommendation, "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. The subtitle is "Nonreligious thoughts on Christian Spirituality". Yum. All i know about him is that he comes with a high recommendation from a dear and respected friend... and he wants to marry Ani Difranco. I think i'm going to like this guy. :) Check out the author's note before the book begins:

"I never liked Jazz music because Jazz music doesn't resolve. But i was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when i saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never once opened his eyes.
After that i liked Jazz music.
Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.
I used to not like God because God didn't resolve. But that was before any of this happened."

Vulnerable.

This past week has been a hard one.
Struggling with my overextended existence (5 more weeks, 5 more weeks...) my heart felt hard and ugly and oozing out onto others. fell in some areas i had felt long dealt with...humbling, so humbling. A brokenness that settles in my heart....revealing my heart means vulnerability and a constant trust that Jesus will be there to hold me in my brokenness, that everything will be alright.
i have been thinking about the woman who lathered perfume on Jesus' feet and washed them with her hair. and about 'the one who has been forgiven much, loves much.'
how can i EVER lose sight of my brokenness? my incapability to love, to live, to even breathe apart from my Beloved one??
A few months ago i threw a ring into the ocean, tied to it all the things i had pursued for my self- each was represented by a strand of seagrass or seaweed. This act was so powerful for me, this week i was reminded of that time, space. Such a broken spirit...wherever and whatever you have for me God, lead me and i will follow. This is the cry of my heart.
apart from you Abba, i have nothing, i am nothing, i can do nothing.
Your mercy is the air i breathe.
I do not resist the lesson, i will wait for you and your overwhelming Goodness.
i will rest in the perfection of your love.

At Last...

man...Etta James can sang.