Kleenex is your friend.

We must know what's going on in the world, right? I feel that it is our responsibility to be knowledgeable about world politics, global situations, suffering communities and peoples. But, how much is too much? Or is there a limit?
At some point, selfishly I feel that it is almost better not to know. It is too much sorrow to bear. In the past I would go through these really extreme periods... I was like a sponge, soaking up information and the world's sorrow and pain- my heart breaking and breaking for those who suffered. I would literally cry for days.
then I would become overwhelmed and almost completely shut off from the world- no news, no newspapers, magazines, nothing. I couldn't handle it anymore. It was almost a deadening.
This cycle would continue in its two extremes...it was very exhausting and painful.
I have been wondering about balances- I don't want to become desensitized to the suffering of others in any way. I also don't want to be an emotional wreck and unable to love and serve others in my daily life. I don't want to be unaware of what is going on in the world. some conflicts here...how do I reconcile them to each other and within myself??

had a particularly sensitive day yesterday...after I blogged I went out in the backyard to my mom who was gardening, and just sobbed. What if the little girls I watch had to witness such atrocities as their grandparents being shot in the head in front of them??? their pain is our pain, it is no different, it is not seperate. Iraqi children bleed the same as American children. If one human being suffers, we all suffer.

later on in the day I had a long talk with an old friend whom I had felt very estanged from recently. more crying. I hadn't realized it had been affecting me so much. I fear judgement from people I grew up with in the church, I fear their possible rejection because the path God has led me on has brought me to things they might not understand. I hope that we can have grace for each other in light of Unity, understanding, and the immensity of the God we serve.

no more writing now. still feeling vulnerable and sensitive. i hope the girls are nice to me today! haha.

blessings to all.

"If your Religion does not serve to make you a more Compassionate human being, then it is worthless."
- Dr. Parente; World Religions class, Fall 2005.

Memorial.

On Saturday May 27th, the Oakland Tribune ran an article titled, "GIs could face rap for killings." The article described a war crime of horrifying proportions.
November 19th- Haditha, Iraq:
In what is believed to be an act of retaliation for the death of a fellow officer (killed in a road-side bombing), a Marine unit shot and killed 24 Iraqi people; 19 of whom were in nearby houses that the Marines stormed, 5 others by a nearby vehicle.
Pictures taken of the event by a Marine intelligence team show that the bullet wounds were to the upper bodies of the people- some shot in the head, some in the back. It is believed that many were killed "execution-style."

Of the murdered were, not only men, but "several" women and six children.

From the article...
"Time magazine, in a report published in late March, quoted witnesses including a 9-year-old girl, Eman Waleed, who said she saw Marines kill her grandfather and grandmother, and that other adults in the house died shielding her and her 8-year-old brother, Abdul Rahman."

Generally, i try to stay out of the political realm on this blog, but this is not an issue of politics, this is an issue of humanity.

What are we doing???

My heart aches and aches and aches.

Swearing at Pancakes

I am continually amazed by the resiliency and depth of strength i encounter in women in my life.
Spent part of the weekend with my dear, dear friend and her sweet boy in Santa Cruz. She has been my faithful friend through so much. Amazing. She is so beautiful, so strong. I hope i can be half as good a mother as she is.

Coffee, Coloring books, and Dora

had a great discussion on unity and oneness last night with people i truly care about. very cool.

so finals are over, and with that my last excuse has flown out the window and i must begin to look forward and take necessary steps to prepare for leavings, comings, goings.

ugh. i wish i wasn't such a fearful person.
who was it that said fear is the opposite of love?
i've been thinking (and reading) about that a lot lately. every action we take is either out of Fear or Love. this is true of our thoughts, our reactions, our emotions. wow.

i want to act, think, and speak in love. with the motivation and source being love. not fear.
this is loving more deeply than i have before, more truly.

oh and the other thing...i wonder how much of our daily grappling and living out of these things is a Struggle because we deem it so.
a quote:
"You cannot lose in this battle. You cannot fail. Thus, it is not a battle at all, but simply a process. Yet, if you do not know this, you will see it as a constant struggle. You may even believe in the struggle long enough to create a whole religion around it. This religion will teach that struggle is the point of it all. This is a false teaching. It is in not struggling that the process proceeds. It is in surrendering that the victory is won."
-Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God

an interesting thought...sometimes i feel like i'm struggling all the time and sometimes i realize that really, i am just not resting.
peace comes when i am resting in God's perfection and wholeness, in the knowledge that the sweet Spirit whispers to me, "All is well. All will be well."

Miss Fiona-pants

Fragments of things running through my mind this morning. Half-written poems sprung from thoughts not yet developed fully. Things to get done, the list of "need to work on"s seems to grow daily.
I feel like i am constantly behind, never quite catching up. In my Humanities class we talked about how our society is extremely condusive to this- the pace of life is racing away from us and we are left feeling inadequate and inefficient.
how do i slow down my pace of Life? is it simply a matter of creating time and space for myself to just, be? to pray, meditate, center, recharge?

Fiona and i were car dancing this morning on the way home from driving her sisters to school. It was great. She and I have so much fun together. I think it is amazing how children can bring us back to the moment and teach us about seeing the world with wonder and awe. That and sometimes they are just downright HILARIOUS.

More later...a beautiful day to all.

Good Morning!

Today is absolutely beautiful- clear skies, blue, blue, blue.
The air is fresh and cool, the sun warm on my skin.
The birds are serenading everyone and no one.

Yum.

Going to spend the day with dear, dear friends at the Berkeley Himalayan Fair.
Music, delicious food, unique jewelry, and all benefitting humanitarian projects in Tibet, Nepal, India, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Mongolia.

I get to see my sweet Natalie and the ever precious Amir!!!
(I miss them so much.)

I thank God for the peace in my heart-
it is to beautiful that my soul cannot contain it, it brings tears to my eyes.

What a beautiful day to Be!
Paz de Dios a todos.

Alice Walker

Reassurance

I must love the questions
themselves
as Rilke said
like locked rooms
full of treasure
to which my blind
and groping key
does not yet fit.

and await the answers
as unsealed
letters
mailed with dubious intent
and written in a very foreign
tongue.

and in the hourly making
of myself
no thought of Time
to force, to squeeze
the space
I grow into.

Divine Curry

Came home last night with a bag full of the In'N Out meal i had ordered hours earlier, uneaten and cold.
When my mom looked at me quizically, I laughed and explained, "I didn't eat it. I had homemade Indian food instead."

Obviously, this demanded further explination. I sat down and told her my story.

I entered In'N Out (in Oakland) and saw an older man kind of lingering around near the line for the cashiers. Unsure if he was waiting or not i met his gaze and smiled at him. He wasn't. Realizing i didn't have any cash on me i got out of line and walked over to the ATM. The man meandered over in my general direction, as i was getting money out. I was aware of his presence and a little confused about what exactly was going on with him. He approached me and asked, "Are you from this country?"
This began a short conversation in which i learned that he, "J.K.", and his wife, Asha, were visiting from India. A short exchange occurred and we swapped emails.

I ordered and sat down to wait, politely observing the public space ettiquete of silence and avoiding others' eyes, when i saw the Indian couple sitting at a table with no food in front of them. I went over to ask them if they had already eaten, thinking maybe i could buy them dinner if they needed. They informed me that they were vegetarians and had brought their own food. They apparantly had come on a tour bus with a larger group of people, and had packed enough food for the whole trip, knowing that they would most likely not be able to eat at the places the bus stopped.

The invited me to eat with them.

We shared one plate and split up naan, HOMEMADE naan. We shared with each other from our lives- a beautiful conversation.
As i was getting up to leave, J.K. said to me, "This is our custom." I looked at him confused, and he said, "To share, to eat together. To welcome the stranger."

My heart melted in my chest- here they were, from an entirely different country, in a fast food resaurant in which no one had welcomed them- not even others from the tour they were on...and they welcomed me as a stranger.

How beautiful.

We said goodbye, and i took Asha's hands in mine and thanked her for feeding me, turned to J.K. and he bowed his head with palms together and said, "Namaste." Surprised and honored, i did the same.

Namaste. We were honoring and recognizing the light of God in each other.

I left, walking slowly to my car, thanking God for such a blessing as this.

This is Eternity.

my skin
fits
a little too tight
tonight...
something deep
is rumbling,
slowly turning over
like some reluctant lurching
engine
a slumbering giant
wakening from some deep sleep.
my Beloved lifts my head
and my ego's control slips
just enough
for a breath of fresh air
and grace
to permeate my being.

Abba, Divine One,
Mother and Creator of my heart-
open my eyes,
break me open to see
your beauty and expression
in those around me,
those that
are dwelling
in my own home,
in myself.

gentle stirrings,
softly, softly now,
i am remembering.
that when stripping the ego away
the Divine is revealed
in my deepest being

shh, quiet now, little heart
in silence wait for understanding,
in peace know that even if it never comes,
All will be well,
All is well.

My Lost Mind.

Have you seen her? She seems to have gone missing.
Hmmm.

Frustrated with myself. Why can't i just learn something once? Why can't i be in that glorious moment of understanding all the time? I have this lesser self that eats away at me- she taunts me with despair and selfish sadness, teasing me with her feelings-free deadened state.

"And there is this burning, like there's always been..."

So much in my life calls me to Life itself, to truly living, being present and awake. So why this evasive heaviness whose cause i cannot quite pin down??

Thinking a lot about Love lately and what meaning it holds, what consequences it carries. Vowing misery until death-do-us-part doesn't sound too apealing. Mejor sola que mal acompania.
The marriages i admire the most and appear to be the healthiest are those in which the partners are absolutely best friends. Lifelong friendship? Sounds good to me. Throw in a little mutual adoration and I'm there.
But do we ever find this? Does it find us? Is this a chance that can be lost? Can anything ever be truly lost?

Do you see my concern here? For my mind i mean. i start somewhere semi-concrete and end up spinning off into nameless galaxies of unknowns and very possibly meaningless thoughts. sigh. Does this get any easier?? Do things eventually settle down a bit, like maybe, when i'm 30?

Life continues to be one extending transition, which really, is beautiful when you think about it. Sometimes i do feel like i need a breather. I'm thinking about a weekend alone, in nature and in silence. Cut off from the outside world, by myself, in stillness and quiet.

it'd be good for me i think.
Anyway, good night.

Or not.

no words tonight...
thought maybe that i would have something to express but nothing's flowing.

perdon.

Good Morning, and Good Luck.

The greatest thing you will ever learn, is just to love,
and be loved in return.

it seems to me that the greatest lessons are those that uplift your spirit to heights previously unreached while ripping your heart out of your chest simultaneously.
funny, all the dualities i have been encountering of late.
i want my love to transcend fear, i want it so badly.
i am becoming more and more aware of old ways of being that were completely unhealthy, and for that i am very thankful.
yet, it presents an inner struggle,
and i can hear my Beloved whisper, "Do you want to be healed?"

Do you want to be healed?
Do you want to be healed?

and sometimes, honestly, i want to scream, "NO!" and turn my face away and run as fast as i can- resist the lesson, resist Life, refuse my breaking open.
but i know where that ends up anyway- in a heap on the ground, many heartbreaks later, whispering regretfully, "Ok, ok."

So, Here I Am.
Fight or flight mechanisms whirring in my head, my heart racing, my feet itching for the road.

Embrace me, Beloved,
that i might embrace whatever lies ahead.

Fragile and Crazy

It has been forever since i have written here. Living circumstances have prevented me from having computer access at night, which has generally been my "blog-time."
i have a raging manifesto burning somewhere in my chest, which is almost ready to see the light of day, er web.
Perhaps if i were to begin now it would make its way out, but alas, i have work in 2 hours and must finish cleaning.
It is amazing to me the settling power of cleaning. As though, cleaning out my living space helps to clean out my head/heart/being. The state of my living space very much reflects my inner state, i think.

so, in short, i am a mess.
Ha, ha.

More soon, more soon. i didn't realize how much i enjoyed blogging until i no longer had accessibility. ('The time has come,' the Walrus said, 'To consider buying a laptop.')

I'll leave you with one thought. I have been reading a lot of Kahlil Gibran's writing lately. I read through Sand and Foam, which is a collection of quotes from his writing and is definitely not a one-time read. i have also begun reading The Prophet, which has really been striking a deep chord within me- there is great profundity in simplicity and Kahlil Gibran has so much quiet, inner wisdom. In The Prophet, the enlightened man who is leaving his beloved village and known life, imparts some final wisdom to those he is leaving behind. He addresses the concerns of the crowd- Love, Marriage, Children, Joy and Sorrow, Reason and Passion, Pain, Self-Knowledge, Teaching, Friendship, Pleasure, Beauty, Religion, and Death among others. As you might imagine, this is a very beautiful book.

Of Pain he says:

"Your pain in the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so you must know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears."