Rhythms.

i wrap myself
in the arms of Love,
and snuggle in close to her breast.
my impatience forgotten
in a moment,
as the Spirit moves me
words begin to flow
and i am cradled in metaphors
warmed by a similie's smile
commas and apostrophes
fly past me,
terms of endeavor and endearment
evolve in my pen's tip
and spill out onto the page-
my Beloved, be near me.
my Beloved, be near.

my mind dances away
even now
spinning off on tangents
that do not yet have words
to express them,
that hold little significance
and have no context
in the daily meanderings
that fill my hours.
i ponder human nature as i
fill up
latte cups
and share a smile.

i warm myself
by the light of Love,
and my impatience falls away.

my Beloved, be near me.
my Beloved, be near.

Oh man...

This is why Dave is the best.

Ponderings.

it's that kind of day when the morning simply fades into the afternoon, without even realizing it.
an inbetween kind of day.
i am, once again, at work, but with a lot on my mind today. i read a friend's blog recently that has put me in a bit of a whirlwind...the question he posed- what do you put your faith in?
now, there are easy, one-line, slightly homogenized answers, but these don't do it for me.
to put into words, what one puts faith in...not so easy i have found.
but certainly interesting food for thought.

i have been feeling a little out of place lately. knowing i need to be here, for now, but feeling the pull of the path ahead of me. some days i am content and learning, others i let it slip and i just feel stagnant. letting go of the latter, holding onto the better days. not being too hard on myself.

wondering about the "age group" i find myself in. many of my male friendships have changed over the last year or so...i think that people are looking for meaningful relationships at this time in their life. so much growing we all have to do. very hard, but very beautiful.

i have had "lessons", shall we say? :) placed in my life right now, and i am learning patience and compassion. ever deepening. i have found myself giveway into these lessons, and not resist what may be difficult and sometimes even stressful to learn.

compassion is a beautiful, beautiful thing. it is so grace-full and life-giving.

missing my family- which has grown exponentially...here, mexico, new mexico, virginia, australia. wonderful to have family all over the world, a little hard to not have them all near.

had a conversation with Dave, more than once i believe, about how wonderful it would be to have all the people you love in one place, even if just for a day.

feeling thoughtful, peaceful, and quiet today- love and Paz to all.

The Great River

We have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour.
Now you must go back and tell the people that this is The Hour.
And there are things to be considered.
Where are you living? What are you doing? What are your relationships? Are you in the right relation? Where is your water?
Know your garden.

It is time to speak your truth: Create your community.
Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for the leader: This could be a good time!
There is a river flowing now very fast.
It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold onto the shore.
They will feel they are being torn apart and they will suffer greatly.
Know the river has its destination.

The elders say we must let go of the shore, and push off into the river, keep our eyes open, and our head above the water. See who is in there and celebrate. At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally. Least of all ourselves.
For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves!
Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that you do now must be done in a sacred manner... and in celebration.

We are the ones we've been waiting for...

"The Great River" - The Elders, Hopi Nation, Oraibi, Arizona

Family Dinner. and then a drive.

the headlights in my rearview mirror
illuminate the shadows
of my heart
and i recognize
the common threads that run
through us all,
we are wounded creatures
and our deep fragility
moves me to compassion.
compassion.

compassion.

and in this, my broken places
i find space in my heart
for all of humanity
and realize that i am no more guilty
and no more innocent,
no greater
or any less
than anyone else living here,
on this earth.

we are all in need of kindness
and tender care
from one another,
and while i admit, my heart rages at injustice-
i must remind her
of our very humanness
that connects us at the core.

A Little Sad

and i don't know why
i choose
to think of it
as the wind that passes over me
as the rain that streams down my face
an ocean wave that laps at the shore
and then is gone again.
a moment, is all.

i let it wash over me
and roll off my body
i do not hold it
or grasp it
but let it go by
in it's time
as it will.

and i chalk it up to a long day at work
in a string of a weeks' long days at work
and that is all.

letting go
letting go
remembering that my hands are empty
and open
and my heart is overflowing.

Estoy Feliz!

...my Tommy is coming today!!!!

RANTING DOESN'T EVEN HELP.

I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW I COULD CRY. I HONESTLY FEEL LIKE I HAVE MET THE MAN THAT COULD, ALONE, GET ME TO ABONDON THE CONVENTIONAL CHRISTIAN CHURCH COMPLETELY, ALTOGETHER, FOREVER.

I AM SO COMPLETELY FRUSTRATED AND DISGUSTED and i try to remember compassion and i try not to judge others, because i would ask the same of them...BUT I SWEAR...to, to, to SOMEBODY THAT THIS MAN EMBODIES EVERYTHING I HAVE COME TO DESPISE ABOUT FUNDAMENTAL AMERICAN CHRISTIANITY.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO WITH THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

IT JUST MAKES ME SO ANGRY. i have been an angry person in the past, which with God's help and healing i have overcome in so many ways. but THIS guy, what he stands for, how he treats people, how he IS for goodness'sake make me sick. i mean, really, just sick.
and really, REALLY angry.

i have had to deal with him in the past and i think it is just better for my mental and spiritual health that i don't ever again. EVER.

UGH. UGH. UGH.

as i write this i am literally shaking. i cannot frickin believe it. i hate that just reading a stupid email from him can make me this angry. i do not like that it has that much power over me.

but AHHHHHHHHHHH i can't shake it.
jeez.
Jesus. .....right????!?!?!?!?!? this man is so faR AWAY FROM ANYTHING I WOULD EVER WANT TO BE LIKE. and not that i have to be like this guy or even look to him as an example, but the point is that A LOT of people, young people, look to him and he is so completely full of shit.

holy crap. i have to go.

Coming Home to Me.

restlessness and peace coexist
in my soul
this afternoon.

i am content and resting
loving the people around me wholeheartedly
as they give me so much joy,
and i make their coffee.
we are laughing and sharing in each other's lives...
a community, a family, sometimes
perfect strangers teasing each other
into a smile.

and my soul rejoices in life's simplicity-
even while pondering it's complexity.

and still
i can feel the road calling me
the wind whispers my name-
and the Spirit and my heart converse.
the sangre de cristo mountains and winter storms
will frame my next major life lesson
and as the snow melts into spring i will be
transforming
as well.
the sound of a beating drum and rattle will be my soundtrack
and the piano will sift me from my dreams.

Just Trying to Get This to Work!!!!

Miss Fiona Pants.

Buenos Dias

Me siento que tengo mucho que quiero decir, pero no tengo las palabras este manana. Mi alma esta llena de muchas cosas..gozo, tristeza. pero mas del gozo. :)

La extrano a mi familia en Mexicali. Los quiero muchisimo. Los extrano.
Ayer, mire a los fotos de mi viaje y pense..."TooorrIIIIIto!" Fue un tiempo bien hermoso. Aprendi mucho y me cambio. No soy la misma persona. Pienso, veo diferente y quiero vivir diferente...cada dia mas y mas. Es dificil esto, porque hay mucho aqui que no cambio, y por eso a veces mi corazon esta luchando. Cosas que hice en el pasado que no quiero continuar--maneras de vivir. me entiendes???

no, no me entientes. alguien, posible...un or dos...muchos no. esta bien. siempre estoy hablando con mi Diosito en espanol...me hace feliz, esto. lo extrano el campo enfrente de la casa, y las estrellas tan bonitas y tan claras.

ya me voy. estoy "trabajando" en el cafe ahorita. esta bien tranquilo. me gusta.

See you soon.

Last night some friends and i went to a gathering for my dear friend Shannon, or Shannoncita. :) She will be moving to go to school, which i think is going to be absolutely FANTASTIC for her...new environment, new experiences, away from the fam and her hometown...however, while i am incredibly happy for her, it also makes me very sad.
She was playing for us last night, a few of her songs. When she plays, she cannot help but be vulnerable and let her very soul shine through...and it is breathtaking. i mean, really.

As i was watching her play, i was overwhelmed with appreciation for her heart and her friendship. What a beautiful, beautiful woman. What a loved person and a wonderful friend.

We will miss you Shan.

Go play in the snow and wear flasher jackets, and warm people's hearts with your beautiful music. and study hard, and make new crazy friends who will sing rounds of songs in pirate voices. and write your old friends.
live fully, each moment, learn from every experience. laugh so hard you almost pee a little bit. love deeply and without fear.

i love you so much, and i am so grateful to know you.

Repose.

Is it possible that my boys only left a day and a half ago?? it already seems like ages....they are sorely missed at my house. and the cafe. :)

This morning, the coffee shop is full of noise but my soul is quiet.

How nice.

Sometimes, this is just true.

It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them.

-Dame Rose Macauley

Live Music!!!

MUSIC TONIGHT!
At the one and only Mon Cafe, located on Manor Blvd. in San Leandro. Friends of the Mon Cafe family, visiting Virginians, myself, and an Aussie-boy will be playing the gih-tar and singing it up!

Come and Listen!! Buy Coffee! (Or Tea!!) Support local music!!

From the Back Room of Mon Cafe

Feeling frustrated this afternoon. Like i need to go for a run, and then go home and paint, and then play guitar all night.

yes, i think then i might feel better.

Something feels pent up and i can't quite put my finger on it. I am thinking a lot about perspective this afternoon- there is a family at my work who throws my family life (now and previous) into some major perspective-check. i wish my sister could know them and understand as well. also read an excerpt from a to-be-published book that was talking about how much the lense we chose to look at our lives through colors and affects the way the we live. and also our past and how we relate it to others. interesting.

i know my perspective on my "story" has changed so much.

well, back to cleaning for me. i have found that i much prefer opening to closing. which is pretty indicative of me...i love to start things, find it harder to follow through.
or maybe i'm reading too much into that.
maybe it's just that i hate mopping.

First Pay Day

Today i recieved my first pay check in 3 months. I must admit it feels good to be back at work. The money i am earning is getting me steps closer to my goal, that feels good too.
Interesting how my spending habits have changed, the distinction between wants and needs. My experiences have caused a change in my attitude about money. A good thing.
I have more to say...but it's not quite ripe yet. :)

Morning to Myself.

Took some much needed "me" time this morning. I had been planning on going to the coast, but the weather was ugly (for driving) and so I went to a local coffeeshop and sat and read and wrote and listened to delicious music. It was wonderful. Solitary time is something my soul needs.

My house is full of music. The boys are writing new songs. It is so wonderful to not be the only musician around- to be able to listen to others and enjoy.


Usually this time of year the weather depresses me- rain and grey. But today i am finding it quite lovely- it's putting me in a creative mood. I think i will do some painting and beading this afternoon.

Theme song for today? "Paper and Ink" by Tracy Chapman.