SOLA.

i feel like i'm disappearing
into the many roles
that so many demand of me
i feel like i am losing substance
losing something
essential,
my vibrancy has been turned down
like the volume on a stereo
and my voice is faltering
a shadow of my self
waits on the wall to my right
she's asking me to run
asking me to fly
asking me to shed everyone
and leave in the middle of the night
but
shadows can't be trusted
(they won't even show their face to the light)
they disappear as quickly as they come
maybe that's why
her voice is so tempting
she knows my fight-or-flight
tendencies
like her own
and i don't want to live a shadow's life
but
the distance between thriving
and surviving
is growing
widening
and i'm stuck out on some rocky crag
in the middle
of the rift.

why does life here always feel like i am dividing myself into parts????

who am i staying here for?
not me,
that's for damn sure.

i stay because i feel guilty.
i stay because i think i should feel more "responsible".
i stay because i fear going.

it's a little disheartening to realize
that your anchor isn't where you left it-
i have tried to forge so many people
into something heavy to hold me here
but no one wants to be an anchor
they've all got their own ships their sailing
so,
all that is left is
Me.

Me
who has moved over 8 times in the last 4 years,
who has left family and friends in different cities, different states, different countries.
who hears the wind howling at night and longs to follow.

Me
who likes security and safety,
who thinks in terms of timelines,
who wants to be accepted and loved and forgiven
for leaving in the first place.


Me
who fears to go.

Me
who fears to stay.