the end of Garden State

leaves me crying everytime.
for some reason it tears me in two at the core.
why?
why do i feel this restlessness rising in my chest?
this desire to get in my car and drive and drive and drive
to GO
what am i searching for that is not already in front of me?
why am i so apathetic and unmotivated?
am i just sinking again?
is this spiritual unrest or just some lame school-girl-blues?
i love the romanticism of the end of this movie
but it leaves me longing
and aching
what the hell am i searching for???
God why am i here?
what am i doing?
is my restlessness just not wanting to deal with daily life?
do i need to grow through this and get beyond it?
it keeps coming back, raising its ugly head
the same feeling.
all my life
searching for someone to sweep me off my feet
fulfill the dreams of my princess-in-the-tower-like existence
but people have come and gone
long lasting relationships
where i just became bored and restless
nothing to make me unhappy necessarily
but i was
i want to GO
where??
when?
and to whose benefit?
i want home.
i want peace.
i've been trying to write the same song for a week now
and it won't come
i've been trying to write my spanish comp
ALL DAY
and i can't just sit down and finish the damn thing
lack of inspiration or lack of discipline?
or both?
God please come for me
in all my disillusionment and confusion
i am so frustrated.

my dad keeps walking through the house
turning off all the lights
i follow behind him
turning them back on
it's so depressing this cave-like habitation
my family has become

what is the answer?
stay or run?
tighten up, close off
or fight for vulnerability
i need someone to fight for me
(please fight for me)

Garden State pool conversation.

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? And all of a sudden even though you have a place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone."

"I still feel at home in my house."

"You'll see one day when you move out... it sort of happens one day and it's gone. And it's like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe its like this right of passage, you know. You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. For, for your kids, for the family you start. It's like a cycle, or something. But I don't know, I miss the idea of it, you know.
Maybe that's all a family really is, a group of people that miss the same imaginary place."

"Maybe."

burning, butterflies, loneliness, community, and seattle.

and there is this burning like there's always been...
and i've never been so alone- and i've never been so alive.

Habakkuk

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

Yet i will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

stream of consciousness

Alice Walker, Ani, and Fiona acompany me tonight in an orderly fashion parading through my conciousness like ants in a line sometimes i think i dwell too long in places deemed unfit by well intentioned individuals who know me fairly accurately my mind travels to the thin man piano player who sang the blues with his fingers so achey and divine and then to the man in the coffee shop tonight who sang his heart out though no one was listening i feel you man how the words jumble inside of me screaming to be let out with no relief no release its rather soothing to type without puncuation not needing to know where things end and begin again i have been thinking in the past lately saying goodbye to love and longing that once affected me so deeply and now just pass by on campus so strange to be strangers life is taking new curves and rolls and i am looking forward excited and astounded at how quickly things change how old am i again? oops put a question mark oh well it seems to fit there i think spent time talking about balance and the imbalance of life that causes us to grow felt rather disconnected from my self tonight a strange sensation as though i was there but not or maybe just partially community seems to be a recurring topic lately pondering what effect it will have on my life on the world how does one hold in tension daily life and eternity necessity and desire passion and the routine. struggling.
have all these songs waiting to be written yet the music isnt coming in a timely fashion can't rush art or force expression but it is a little frustrating.
thank you for telling me i'm beautiful i need to hear it.
my heart is beating for another touch from Your hand my Beloved One please move me and lead me i will follow spent time as a familiy tonight how i miss that so desperately we need it i've been dwelling in the future lately as well i'm missing the present just need to BE for awhile driving out of the way for pizza at midnight dancing in art museums climbing trees and dreaming this is the stuff life is made of i think things seem harder at night when you're alone it's time to get some sleep i'll hit the pool in the morning and emerge fresh.
peace.

what. a. day.

that's all.

"Be still and know that I am God"...

a busy day....
off to purge my room, i have so many things! i find it very cleansing, both physically and spiritually to purge "stuff"...
a little down time will be good. time to cleanse, to relax, listen to music, make some of my own-and quiet my heart.
looking forward to the weekend. learning honest communication. learning to be still.

Lessons

I struggle with the imbalance of justice and suffering in the world. So much pain and war.
A few weeks ago I was having a conversation about the "beautiful", the "ugly", and why sometimes loving one is easier than the other. In my life I have always found it easier to love the outcast, but I am learning to see with kingdom eyes. To see people clearly, and to understand the wounded places they are acting out of. As my dear one said, "It is all the same depravity, some are just able to hide it better."
Trying to apply kingdom eyes to the world.

In my Religions course we were discussing Hinduism within India. Hinduism holds the belief that a soul will continue to return to the earth, inhabiting different bodies, until the soul realizes its true Atman self (the divine that dwells within) and returns to Brahman (the divine without). Therefore Hindus, and much of Indian society, has a much more eternal view when it comes to time. (Which is probably a large part of the obstacles facing social change in India.) There is not an urgent sense of immediacy that we see in other societies.
This got me thinking....in what time do I view the world? My outrage and deep sorrow at injustice and human suffering--am I viewing this too with kingdom eyes? With eternity in mind? Change will most likely not come in my life time. Injustice will continue. The extremities of my emotions only bind me and keep me from being truly free to love, to serve, to see clearly, to heal, to be peace.

In the gathering I attended on Sunday, there was much talk of peace and the reconciliation of Creation to her Creator, reconciliation between the people of the earth. I was reminded that God claims vengeance for himself. ("Vengeance is mine, says the Lord." )
What a relief! I do not have to avenge the oppressed...God will judge, God will avenge, right all wrongs. Therefore I am free- free to love, to be the hands and feet of Jesus- bearing peace, love, abundant life.

Not to say that I will not be overwhelmed at times, by all the sorrow, all the pain. But instead of letting the pain that I absorb (for lack of a better word) turn into anger and frustration within me, I must give it to God. What does that look like? We'll see. I'm guessing a lot of loud praying, crying, running, pacing, getting to the beach for some humbling. Renewing, restoring, and resting in God's perfect love and infinite grace.

What a crazy adventure this is.

Hmmm...

"In the peace movement there is a lot of anger, frustration, and misunderstanding. The peace movement can write very good protest letters, but they are not yet able to write a love letter. We need to learn to write a letter to the Congress or to the president of the United States that they will want to read, and not just throw away. The way you speak, the kind of understanding, the kind of language you use should not turn people off. The president is a person like any of us.

Can the peace movement talk in loving speech, showing the way for peace? I think that will depend on whether the people in the peace movement can be peace. Because without being peace, we cannot do anything for peace. If we cannot smile, we cannot help other people to smile. If we are not peaceful, then we cannot contribute to the peace movement.

I hope we can bring a new dimension to the peace movement. The peace movement is filled with anger and hatred. It cannot fulfill the path we expect from them. A fresh way of being peace, of doing peace is needed. That is why it is so important for us to practice meditation, to acquire the capacity to look, to see, and to understand. It would be wonderful if we could bring to the peace movement our contribution, our way of looking at things, that will diminish aggression and hatred. Peace work means, first of all, being peace." -Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace

Bolinas...

What a beautiful day.
God's beautiful creation, good food, even better company, making music on the beach. A beautiful, moving gathering of the Body, a nap, and one incredible mango.Had an interesting conversation with a friend about synchronicity, patterns, "coincidence", God's hand moving in our lives.
And lately, it seems as though all the lessons have been tying together.
God's gentle nudging and kind instruction have been leading me in new ways of being, deeper understanding. It's quite overwhelming at times.Things to come...thoughts yet unborn, not fully developed, will share in time.Had an amazing weekend-Connections and growing friendships. Checking out a college campus, thinking about the future. Making music, planning a benefit concert. Climbing trees. Dancing in art museums.
I am so thankful for this abundance of life.
I feel as though I cannot contain all the blessing, all the revelations, all this incredible instruction and grace.Certainly a stretching time as well- more and more things coming into the light, becoming exposed. Allowing God to work within me, trusting what he has said about me, what he thinks of me. It is right to feel holy sorrow- to grieve those places within us that are in desperate need of God's healing and correction. But sometimes I tend to dwell there, stay too long, and it becomes an obstacle to truly allowing God to work. God has been so faithful to guide me and teach me how to handle all the issues that are arising, all the places within me that need change.
Writing a new song...

Wretched.

What a mess I am today.
so much more i want to post and write about. more productive, stimulating ideas and revelations....but here i am, just kinda stewing. feeling like i am on the edge of so much, leaving so many things behind, possibly carrying too much even still. new beginnings, old wounds, just feeling weighted. wish that my vision was clearer. struggling to sort through the new creation and old, new revelations and things to unlearn. a good struggle, but why am i bearing this unnecessary weight?
seeing places that so desperately need change, so many i want to weep. wanting to be vulnerable, and yet not collapse and burden another. what is wrong with me? so many desires pulling at me, contradicting each other and themselves.
my friend dave said,
I look at it as a fresh start but it could be the end of the world.
just feeling that today.

Waiting...

"Is it not as if I, a man, gradually and very circuitously became a child again, as if I, a thinker, became a child person? And yet this way was very good, and yet the bird in my breast did not die. But what a way it was! I had to go through so much stupidity, so much vice, so much error, so much disgust and disillusion and distress, merely in order to become a child again and begin afresh. But it was right, my heart says yes, my eyes are laughing. I had to experience despair...in order to experience grace, to hear om again, to sleep properly again, and to awaken again. I had to become a fool in order to find Atman [God] in me again. I had to sin in order to live again. Where will my way lead me now?" -Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse

things to think about

mystery
making love stay
jagged stones and river rocks
rivers
running
fleeing old ways of being
seeking the vastness of God's beauty,
in me.
balance.

struggling to keep my head on straight today.