Mystery

Where is your spirit moving, Mother?
Abba
brother
lover
sister
Beloved One of my heart?
what greater manifestation of the Oneness
than your spirit, your being?

your footprints
tread along the oceans you created
purely
for your Glory
with each breath
i am circling
closer
to understanding

that the fullness of understanding is beyond me.

i am content with the glimpses.


i had a dream last night in which i was playing guitar. this morning i remembered clearly what my hands looked like on the neck. i got up and started playing...
crazy.
it's beautiful.

Hey! Almost forgot!

Started classes yesterday...
woke up a little late, was nice and warm in bed, storming outside...and the LAST thing i wanted to do was get up and go to class. NOT a good sign if i am already dreading school on the first day!
But, i got up and went....and it was great!
I am SO happy that i decided to only take these classes and not overload myself. I chose two profesors that have GREAT positive energy and bring such passion to their subjects, classes, lives!
Educacion as it should be...i love it!

Happy Birthday Tommy!

Here's my favorite conversation of the day.
Thursday, 8:15am.

F: "Arrgh, me mateys!"
R: "Fiona, (laughter)are you being a pirate?"
F: "No."
R: "No? What are you being?"
F: "A conscious."


Ahh, three year olds.
They're my favorite.

hmmm...

love is funny.
i know it is not the fairytale we grow up hearing about and believing in.
but still, i'd like to think it's more than a "choice"- a DECISION to make a COMMITTMENT....and blah blah blah.
doesn't seem very romantic or exciting to me.

love can change the course of your whole life.

had a cool conversation with my mom a few weeks ago about love and marriage, how loves changes, the things that make us fall in love, and those that keep us falling.
In "Still Life with Woodpecker" Tom Robbins wrote a lot about "making love stay"- he said that making love stay is inseperably intertwined with Mystery....when the mystery goes, love goes. (i'll throw a quote on later....he says it much better, i believe.)

oh and side note- i know that i sound like a Robbins fiend....i'm not, i swear it! Two of the last few novels i've read have been by him, and his writing has been provoking quite a bit of thought.

anyway must go.
more late...

hasta.

future

new ideas stirring...
prospects for travel arising...
my soul is dancing with the possibilities!

pieces of consciousness.

drivin down the one-oh-one
california- here we come!

wake me up when september ends...

these words are all i have
so i write them

so come here, stand in front of the light
stand still so i can see your silohuette
i hope you have got all night
cause i'm not done looking yet-
i know there is strength in the differences between us,
i know there is comfort where we overlap...

i'll show you mine, if you show me yours first-
we'll compare scars
and i'll tell you whose are worse

it is for me the eventual truth-
in the look of the lioness
at her man across the nile

i want to be someone else
or i'll explode

hide and seek...

she says forget what you have to do
pretend there is nothing outside this room
like an idea she came to me
but she came too late
or maybe too soon


how long i'll wait
just to say goodbye...

you painted a picture i'm the worst type of sinner you know


let your soul shine
it's better than sunshine
better than moonshine
damn sure better than the rain-

it's been awhile...

sitting at home, grey day, and i am a sickie!

finished a couple of books, one being "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" by Tom Robbins. Very interesting book...i love how Tom Robbins will weave into the story amazing philosophical concepts- magic and mysticism, the relativity of time and space, feminism (yay!) vs man-hating (boo!), the outlaw vs the criminal. Robbins is crazy, a genius no doubt, and crazy!
Yum.
So much to update here.
So many small and beautiful blessings God has put in my path.

went to an AMAZING reggae show on sunday at the catalyst-
giving thanks and praise to Jah as we danced and danced and danced
the celebration of life and the sacredness of being!
Reggae music moves me like no other. (Thank you Barrington Levy!)
if i hadn't cut my hair i think i would be gettin some nappy dreds. :)

a walk along the beach the next morning...probably about a mile and a half...completely barefoot!! it was wonderful! strolling barefoot, exchanging good mornings with passerbys, stopping randomly to run to the shore and greet the sea. hung out near some hilarious seals, watched the surfers enjoying the waves and sunshine. good conversation concerning God and life, open hearts and experience, Parents, "adults", alternative ways of living, travel, and hope.

also met with one of my mentors this week, this beautiful, crazy lady whose experience of life and love and trust in God is so inspiring to me.
As we sat in that office, the way the desk lamp illuminated her face-
she looked like an angel,
a prophetess.
i could see the years of pain
and experience
gracing her face
with such deep beauty.
[i hope i am beautiful like that some day.]
i hold her words close and ponder them in my heart.
she laid hands on me and prayed.

thank you, Abba.

i'm going to live my life in 5 minute increments...holy moment to holy moment.
learning how and preparing to communicate with my father.
understanding that lessons learned now are often preparations for future situations yet unseen.
learning to live in the moment, rejoicing in the beauty i have found in this.
forgiveness recieved breaks open my heart to newness.

Help.

Wow.
Got quite the response for posting a vent on this space. I never post to spite someone or to cause hurt.

Guess no more venting here.

Interesting dynamic to have people read your journal...nice to let them in and look around, get to know you better; at the same time receiving judgement when they see the ugly stuff.

I am torn. I want to get away from all this unhappiness. I dwell in strained silence with complete strangers. No wonder Han and i are so close. We're like life jackets for each other.
I am tired of living in such negativity. I just want to come home to someone who loves me. Someone who rises to greet me, delighted to see me. and a cat. i want a home and a cat.
I want to come home and have it feel like home.
its been so flubbing long...my soul is weary.
God please lead me because i don't know where to go.
fighting bitterness the best i can but it is wearing me down.
My greatest desire is to get out. get away.
its all just so unhealthy here.
i fear fleeing though- that never really solved anybody's problems.
but maybe they're not mine to solve. How long will we need to bend for and work around someone's denial of and unwillingness to work on their issues?
Oops, venting again.

pray hard please, anyone reading this.
my soul is in anguish.

Forgive me.

"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a woman; I will question you, and you shall answer me.
Where were you when i laid the earth's fooundation?
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when i made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when i fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when i said: 'This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt'?
What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside? Can you take them to their places? Do you know the paths to their dwellings? Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years!
Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens when the dust becomes hard and the clods of earth stick together?
...Would you discredit my justice? Would you condemn me to justify yourself?
Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let she who accuses God answer him!"



Then Rachell replied to the Lord:
I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
Surely i spoke of things i did not
understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.


Oh Abba,
hold me in your arms tonight.
forgive your wayward daughter
who is so quick to forget
Who you are.
I am scared and i feel so alone, my Beloved.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

"Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When i said, 'My foot is slipping,' your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."

"My comfort in my suffering is this:
Your promise preserves my life."

Thank you
thank you
thank you.
Your grace is sufficient for me.
how could i forget this?

mantra

I am a lotus.
I am a lotus.
My roots are grounded in the muck and grime,
but my petals still emerge
untouched
unscathed
radiant and pure.

I am the lotus,
i will emerge
this will not swallow me.
i will not allow it to-
flowers fade in winter
shrivel and die away
but birth comes from death
and spring returns
and i will bloom
again.
just need to find
a little breath
of sunshine.

will 200 dollars buy me a family?

you were my mama bear.
the heart of my heart.
i would come to you, running-
knowing that my pain would be felt
and that you would take up your arms
claws and teeth
and come to my rescue,
bear my burden
ease my pain
and fight tooth and nail for me.

you always said if he ever touched you
you would leave him
but you never followed through
on behalf of your children.
i thought that your moment of betrayal occurred
when
he pushed me, knocked me to the ground, and kicked me
and i saw you
standing at his side
the next morning
talking to the officer about anger management classes.

but it happened long before that.

even tonight
when i poured out my heart to you
before he got back
i could see something in your eyes shift
i could see that pillar arising
to stand beside me
and support my dreams
and to simply and just love me.

no, the betrayal happened long ago
when you decided
that your vow
was stronger than
your duty
to stand up for your children.
(who will fight for the helpless?
who will speak for the voiceless?)

it happened the first time
you ignored your mama bear instincts
to "keep the peace"
when you fought the sense of right
rising in your chest
and compromised
to a punishment or consequence
you didn't agree with.

while the words of protest
died in your throat
i watched a light dim
in your eyes
and fear and dread swept over me
because i finally realized
i would be fighting
alone.



my heart is broken into a thousand pieces.
things were going to be so easy- and it has been so long. how i was looking forward to time on my hands, time to create and read, self-educate. time for my sanity, self-discovery and growth. and i would be able to save money at the same time?!? the blessing of this seemed overwhelming.
why do you need to make it hard? why do you need to take that away from me? when can i live on my own terms?
i wonder if there will ever be a time when one's parents will not inspire the urge to jump off the nearest rooftop.

when wings have been clipped too many times,
the roots are resented.

Milagro

Your hands are the voice of God,
your hands are the voice of God.
use them for love-
no, not your mouth
we've got plently of those running
around

and your words are not enough
they barely scratch the surface of
this wound weeping in front of you-

and his hands,

his hands bled blood-red love,
blood-red love

please use your hands for love.

WOMEN.

How broken are we???
Sometimes the interaction between men and women breaks my heart, even between women and other women...even women and themselves!
When will we understand our beauty? When will we love ourselves?
Eating disorders, image issues, self hatred, insecurity--to meet WHOSE standard???
Women, listen:

You are beautiful.
You are made in the likeness of God.
You are the "Crown of Creation"--without woman, it was "not good."
You are God's own expression of herself!!!
You are his treasured and cherished beloved.

Listen to me women of unfathomable beauty!
This is your assignment for the day:
Wherever you are today, whatever you are doing, you will come into contact with another woman.
SO.
When you see her, instead of measuring her up or comparing yourself to her, do this:
Look into her eyes and see that she is a truly beautiful human being.
See that she has suffered, borne a heavy burden.
See that she has rejoiced and danced and celebrated.
See that she has sacrificed.
See that she loves deeply.
See that she is broken and hurting just like you.
See God peering back at you from within her eyes.

KNOW that her unique and powerful beauty does not diminish your own.

And then:
Appreciate her in whatever way is most appropriate, whether it is a smile, a kind word, a compliment, a wave, a hug-
We need to love ourselves, we need to love each other.

We cannot allow our hearts to be filled with bitterness and insecurity towards others and ourselves- no, no, no...there is no room for that!

We are free! We are free to love. Ourselves, other women, the whole world. Let us be so filled with the wonder of the beauty of our Beloved and his love for us that all we can do is dance and live in celebration- revealing our truly beautiful hearts that have the power to reveal God's own heart and aide in the healing of others'.

Crazy storm, huh?

Ususally the rainy season depresses me. It's cyclical. But for some reason this year i have been appreciating the storm....both literally and metaphorically, i guess. Hmmm.
It has been a burst of creativity lately- and i am so thankful for it.

...more later.

on Soaring...

when a bird takes flight
her only limits are
the unreachable
unfathomable
corners of the Sky-

and yet
in the freedom of flight
she never forgets
her nest,
its whereabouts
the warmth waiting for her there
in her sanctuary,
stronghold.

this is how i love. this is who i am.
i cannot be anything or anyone else.
the phone is burning a hole in my pocket
in my purse
in my hand.
so many questions knotted up inside of me.
I need to be Unraveled gently, love the questions themselves-
without grasping.
sometimes i feel like i am on the edge of some great revelation...sometimes more just like i'm falling apart.
but thats okay too.
goodnight and peace.