will 200 dollars buy me a family?
you were my mama bear.
the heart of my heart.
i would come to you, running-
knowing that my pain would be felt
and that you would take up your arms
claws and teeth
and come to my rescue,
bear my burden
ease my pain
and fight tooth and nail for me.
you always said if he ever touched you
you would leave him
but you never followed through
on behalf of your children.
i thought that your moment of betrayal occurred
when
he pushed me, knocked me to the ground, and kicked me
and i saw you
standing at his side
the next morning
talking to the officer about anger management classes.
but it happened long before that.
even tonight
when i poured out my heart to you
before he got back
i could see something in your eyes shift
i could see that pillar arising
to stand beside me
and support my dreams
and to simply and just love me.
no, the betrayal happened long ago
when you decided
that your vow
was stronger than
your duty
to stand up for your children.
(who will fight for the helpless?
who will speak for the voiceless?)
it happened the first time
you ignored your mama bear instincts
to "keep the peace"
when you fought the sense of right
rising in your chest
and compromised
to a punishment or consequence
you didn't agree with.
while the words of protest
died in your throat
i watched a light dim
in your eyes
and fear and dread swept over me
because i finally realized
i would be fighting
alone.
my heart is broken into a thousand pieces.
things were going to be so easy- and it has been so long. how i was looking forward to time on my hands, time to create and read, self-educate. time for my sanity, self-discovery and growth. and i would be able to save money at the same time?!? the blessing of this seemed overwhelming.
why do you need to make it hard? why do you need to take that away from me? when can i live on my own terms?
i wonder if there will ever be a time when one's parents will not inspire the urge to jump off the nearest rooftop.
when wings have been clipped too many times,
the roots are resented.
2 comments:
Curiosity killed the cat, I forgot what brought him back.
Ouch.
i had dinner with a friend a couple of weeks ago. she shared with me a sadness. her sadness was because of a relationship that was in question because of the other person's inability to hear of "flaws" in thier personality. to hear, embrace and learn from her observations. sometimes, what bothers us the most about others is what causes us the most problems in our own lives. the whole log vs. speck thing. never easy to get the log our of our own eye. so much less painful to find the splinters in others. i struggle with it daily, but the older i get, the more i find it much less painful to quickly get that darn thing out and let healing begin-in myself and in the relationships with those who love me and with those i love.
l love you, lo
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