The Weight of Glory

"There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.

Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations- these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit- immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously- no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner- no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment."

-C.S. Lewis

This book is really beautiful. Lewis defines "Glory" and explores our desire for it. So many beautiful and thought-provoking quotes i would like to share.....just go out and get it and read it yourself!! :)

Exactly.

"With reckless abandon I leap into His arms trusting His good and perfect will."

Exactly.

Beginnings and Endings

Why do we have two separate words for an idea or concept that is the same, inseparable? I wonder at the power of language- maybe things wouldn't seem so disjointed if we didn't perceive them that way, if our language didn't reflect that.
Hmm, (shrug) interesting.
So.
These past couple of weeks have been full of... Bendings, shall we call them? (i think that actually might be pretty close to a more accurate term).
Learning again, to trust in God's goodness and provision. Understanding and trusting in the love of my Father, my Abba.

and with all that in mind, still comes the definitive statement:

Cars suck.

There is just no getting around it, really. It was kind of ironic because i had been talking so much about wanting a car-free existence and then it landed in my lap. Ha!
i wasn't entirely ready for it...Need to keep the income flowing for awhile first.
And therein lies the lesson-
I spent the last two years of my life constantly scheming- frantic with worry about how i was going to make rent, where i was going to work, where i would be living the next month, how it would all work out. I made myself sick, i really did.

Which brings me to Today and Trust. Everything i was able to eke out for myself completely fell apart, was disastrous and unhealthy. When i finally reached the end of my rope, fell on my face, and asked for help- God was SO faithful to provide for me. He seemed to be saying, "Little Beloved, why didn't you ask earlier? I've been here waiting for you to ask." In the words of my youngest charge (and friend)- "Silly Rachell."
Silly indeed.
So now, i have decided to not worry, knowing that God will open a door, or window, or porthole, or sewer cap. My Father will take care of me according to his unfailing love. This i know is true.

You know, in the end, we really are all going to be okay. Even with all the mistakes, all the missed opportunities, all the wounds we inflict on others and ourselves, all the details that drain us, all the failed plans, dreams deferred- even with all this- We are all going to be okay. We really are.
Think about it- the issues that you obsessed over 5 years ago (three even!) the things you lost sleep over- didn't they resolve? And can't you look back now and see, wow, you made it through.
Not to say that we don't have "BIG" stuff in our lives, hardship, heartwrecks, major pains that can and sometimes do continue through the years. But if God is faithful in the small things that don't really matter,(like a car) why woudn't he be just as faithful in the big stuff too??
Today and Trust.
Today and Trust.
Also very connected words...."Do not worry about tomorrow-" that implies that we must trust that God is concerned about tomorrow and will, or has already, taken care of it.
Hmmm, (smile).
Silly Language.

solitude

this next week is going to be amazing-
time for painting
READING
writing
playing music
climbing
possibly performing.

learning and learning and learning
working on forgiveness
wanting to rid my heart
of all bitterness

freedom.
this word is a spector...
changing shape and definition
depending on the day
the space
the time
and context

my drive for intimacy has
been extended to the whole world-
and most of all
back to me
"To thine own self be true..."
who am i in you, my Beloved?
i can see you in every face i meet...
each person on the street a singular and unique
manifestation of your Creativity
your Beauty
your Dream.

...Peace to all- during the Holidays and always.

SLAM.

I want someone
to observe me
from afar
to see
my ink-stained fingers
and wonder
what brilliance
i may have written

to silently inquire
of my eyes and ears
who they have seen,
what they have heard-
to ask the curve of my lips
where they have been

i want someone
who is enthralled
before ever hearing my voice
and who is intrigued
upon the hearing of it,
i want someone to
pursue me-
to enjoy me like
a glass of red wine
like dark chocolate
a good book

i want someone
who will read me like a novel
unwrap me like a gift
and hold me
with both hands open

i want someone
whose being is not a cage
or treat
held out to lure me in
whose love is not
handcuffs
or rope
or chains.

i want someone
to see me wholly,
and want to dive in and explore-
i want someone
who wants to slip in
to the space between
soul and skin
and listen to the rhythm
of my pulse's Om

i want someone
whose whole being
vibrates with curiosity
and wonder
and awe
who doesn't let the simplicity
of beauty
pass them by-

i want someone
who wants themSelf
whose inner search
has commenced
and is the greatest adventure
they have ever known.

i want someone
who doesn't want to make me happy-
but who just wants to wander
beside me
for awhile...

i want someone
whose words are like a balm for my heart
whose smile
is like a warm fire
that my soul can curl up next to-

i want someone
who is not safe
but who is good.

i want someone
to adore me
and who in turn
can bathe in the pool of tenderness
that wells up from the deepest place
in my being
i want to love someone
more deeply
than the stars have ever known-
i want to be broken open
to have my vulnerability
spill out
and be swept up
cherished and revered.

i wrote a song for this girl once
who told me it broke her heart
when i looked at her quizzically
she said, "oh, i meant opened."

broken and open are the same thing.

i want someone
who has swam
to the bottom of life's
deepest sorrows
and found the Joy that waits there

i want someone
whose heart
is broken
and open
and 'empty
with such fullness'

i want someone with room
with time and space
and no place to be
who's content
just to sit
and breathe.

Connect and Create!

the connections have been crazy lately.
people from the past, close friends coming home from school, meeting all kinds of new people through friends. good, good stuff.
i feel like i am finally coming home to me.
feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin.
went to a different gathering on sunday morning and was moved...very beautiful hearts, a truly humble body wanting only to glorify God.
there was a woman who sang with her face upturned and i swear you could see God's love glowing in her face...so earnest, very beautiful.
Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as i am,
Empty handed, but alive in your hands.

Been frequenting this poetry slam in berkeley of late...so inspiring!! i love pure self expression, it is so powerful.
Yum.

Ring of Fire.

i don't think i can read your blog.
i will want to dialogue, to pick your brain
and understand your heart.

funny, your blog is where i used to go
to try to get an inkling of what was going on in there...
a messenger between us
putting voice to the unspoken words
of connection
that weren't ever audibly communicated.

why didn't you tell me earlier??

the last i heard
my thighs were too large
and you were very concerned i might try to take charge
take over
and steer your dreamboat in a
different direction
(ok, i realize this is not entirely fair
but it's how i felt at one point.)

and then...? wonderful? greatest mystery of life?
the switch has been flipped again.
you called me captivating and lovely today-
why did you wait?
why did you wait until my heart had packed her bags and left?
starving for the words of adoration
that would keep her plump and healthy,
that would keep her home.

instead, she's off to roam
to find more of her Self, maybe...
and it's all for the best i guess-

just wish she didn't have to rip herself at the seams
to seperate herself from you.

Grace

Tookie Williams, may God hold you in his arms tonight.
May peace be yours.

A Dancing Heart...

I have lived on the lip
of insanity, wanting to know reasons,
knocking on a door. It opens.
I've been knocking from the inside!...

Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you're perfectly free.

-Rumi

As the worries, excitements, joys, sorrows, pain, and elation wash over me i sit very still. I can feel their movements around me, surrounding me, in me, through me. I grope for nothing, grasp nothing in my hands or heart. I honor each emotion simply because it is. I do not force, i do not resist. Breathe, breathe. i can feel some rhythm arising in me. It is quiet and steady, constant, welcoming, and warm.
My heart is dancing. She is free. Because she knows what my head cannot, will not:
Life is full. Beauty is the simultaneous existence of the greatest sorrow and deepest joy. To live mindfully is divinity manifested.
I've been searching for home, i have found it to be an elusive ideal, trying so hard to track it down. I've had this inner struggle, is home something we create by being? Arranging things, situations and people around us in such a way? Or Is it something we have to cultivate within ourselves?

My heart smiles, she's been waiting patiently for me to catch up. Curvacious and supple, i watch her naked silhouette as she leaps up to show me the way. She knows where home is: i watch her, she's running ahead of me, looking back to see if i'm following, to see if i am captivated. I am, and i watch as she slows her run to a walk, and with deliberate movement, confident and graceful, she steps in and curls up to the space where the very breath of God breathes in me.
She snuggles in close, like a child in wonder, in adoration. Like a lover, fully known, vulnerable, real and purely her Self. In the holy moment, she has lost herself, almost forgotten i was there- following behind, waiting. When she senses my presence, she opens her eyes slowly and looks at me warmly. She doesn't say a word, but the warmth and depth hidden in her large green eyes invites me in and says, "Didn't you know? The Divine One dwells within you- you are God's Creativity, her Compassion, his True Expression- our Beloved will never leave you- for he cannot! He is intricately woven into every fiber of your being."

Rest, dear heart, you are home.

settle, settle, leave restlessness behind...?

What will bring me home?
What will make me stay, stay?
What will bring me home?
What will make me stay, stay?

...well, i don't know-

French Toast and Cigarettes.

its been a weekend full of nerves, laughs, heartbreak, joy, internalizing, and release. The sorrows and joys of life are so intricately intertwined- at times so extreme and yet occuring simoultaneously.
Love is elusive. My heart is aching- pulled in so many different directions.
i've held it together all day, now i am feeling a big cry coming on.
how do i hold all these things in balance?
the past year of my life has been quite the adventure....rollercoaster might be a more appropriate term.
Who am i? The sum of my experiences?
I am craving conversation unhindered by attraction or repulsion...simple friendship, without terms or conditions. I know a few, but they are out of reach...a phone call or plane ride away.
So instead, i stew and fight back tears.

I am tired of feeling this way.

Cyclical- i'm always depressed this time of year. But it feels like the past year was full of so many sorrows- deaths, breakups, seperation, self-deceptions, alienation, rejections- it feels like i haven't had a break in a long time.

[....then i hear a quiet whisper in my ear, the voice of God in my heart...
he says, "Dear Sweet Child, don't you think i know about a broken heart?"]

oh yeah.
still a vacation from aching would be nice.

quote

Who I am is what I have to give. Quite simply, I must remember that's enough.

Esperanza.

Another Merc article that i neglected to mention earlier, told the story of a 17 year old boy (a Bellerman student!) who is repairing old bikes for the homeless, jobless, carless.
How encouraging.
This 17 year old kid is giving those who would otherwise have no way to get to work or a job interview. He is giving them a free mode of transportation and the chance to get back on their feet. He is meeting their need. What mercy, what a blessed gift this must be for those who are receiving it.
There are people in the world who are loving, who are working for good.

another thought on my earlier blog...
I didn't explain who the anawim are...it is a Jewish understanding- the term anawim refers to all those who are marginalized by society, those that the world does not seem to care about. The "unclean." The oppressed, the suffering.

The people that Jesus ministered to, spent his time with, healed.

Thich Nhat Hanh, wrote, "When you understand, you cannot help but love. You cannot get angry. To develop understanding, you have to practice looking at all living beings with the eyes of compassion. When you understand, you love. And when you love, you naturally act in a way that can relieve the suffering of people."

Who are the anawim today? Generally speaking, what is the church's reponse to them?
Seeing the beauty in everyone, regarding each and every individual in the light of who God is and how much he loves them...this requires much Compassion.
Was there anyone that Jesus did not extend his Compassion to?

Morning reflections.

Tuesday am...sitting in the cafeteria reading the SJ mercury news. Depressed and aching at all the sorrow in the world.
A two year old killed by a train.
A man, nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize four times while on death row, now begging for clemency from 'the Terminator.'
Iraq.
Corrupt and deceitful politicians who will never see a battlefield themselves. Completely detached and distant from the depth of pain and astounding levels of human suffering.
Did you know that whales and dolphins, some of God's most beautiful and peaceful creatures, are dying from the amount of noise pollution being emitted in the oceans from our military and oil exploits???
So much sorrow.
Like a sponge, i soak it up-and just feel it for awhile...for it seems like so few do.

We are killing whales and dolphins with the sounds of our hatred.

Destruction begets destruction, and i am weeping. God, your heart must be breaking.
I look up from where i am sitting and see a bunch of posters lining the windows, advertising events and clubs and such. I see one that is announcing the screening of the movie, "Saved" and then i see that it is being put on by the GSA (gay-straight alliance) of Chabot.
Gaaahhh! How my heart aches within me- Jesus what have we done to your church??? How we are failing the world around us!! There is such desperate need for restoration. For Christians to remember (or learn in the first place) what the HECK you are (and were) about.
The anawim of today's society are the very people that Christians exclude and try to shame.

God is in the piss and dung. -J.D. Salinger

God is in the Castro.
God is in the drug house, the prostitution ring, the porn studio. God is in the tax collector's office, the Magdalena's quarters. He is in every place that is uncomfortable, scary, and putrid. Every place that no "God-fearing" Christian would go.
When you see the homeless man on the street, so filthy that his skin is stained black, do you look into his eyes and see the most beautiful, valuable, PRECIOUS person to the heart of God??
What about the prostitute?
What about the flamboyant gay man?
What about the butch lesbian?
What about the hustler? The beggar? The addict?
Do we recognize the beauty in everyone? Do we see that God is madly in love with each and every person we encounter??

ARGH!!!!!!!
...so there's that.

new.

some people carry baggage on their backs for so long
that the straps meld into their skin,
well i've never carried anything for too long-
my baggage is within.

this heart has been broken too many times
i don't know if she can love again
I said this heart has been broken too many times
I don't know if she can begin

then i hear a whisper in my ear
the voice of God in my heart, He says
Dear Child, don't you think I know
about a broken heart?

Jesus laid his heart out for all to see-
and we crucified him on a cross.
and still his invitation calls to you and me-
Come and rest here in My arms,
Come and rest here in My arms.

everyday is a heart break for God
as we flee from His Son
yes everyday we break the heart of God
as we reject His love

and so i know now that when i pray
GOD, PLEASE TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY
He sits right down beside me
takes my hand and says,
Dear little one, I understand.
I understand.

and so i'll pour my heart out
with every breath i take-
Jesus, if You want my broken heart
that's a sacrifice i'll make
cause Your heart is breaking everyday,
Your heart is breaking everyday.

i heard a whisper in my ear
the voice of God in my heart, he said
Dear Sweet Child, don't you think I know
about a broken heart?
Come and rest here in my arms.
Come and rest here in my arms.

Sunday Yum

I am electric with connection
alive from the friction of interaction
-(iron and iron sharpen one another)-
fellowship and gathering
have truly blessed me today.

The body of Christ is beautiful.

God's spirit moved me this morning, woke me up to remind me who He is, who i am, what an amazing adventure he is continually inviting me to.
Living, breathing, being the Kingdom as He reveals more and more of his beauty. Our God is a jealous God, a jealous bridegroom....he wants our whole hearts!

in my reading this morning i stumbled into Jeremiah, where it talks about Israel and Judah as sisters. Israel is faithless and will return to God in repentance, while Judah is called "treacherous" for returning to God in deception--not wholeheartedly. Wow. I cannot say without much ache that i have been a treacherous woman in the past. Again and again i fear. The grace of God is beyond my comprehension- Jeremiah 3:22 says,

"Return, O faithless sons and daughters,
I will heal your faithlessness."

Mmm. How this speaks to my heart. I look back at all my periods of faithlessness, at all the dark deeds that occurred there (which grieve me) and i try to see the motivation lying underneath....why would i leave such loving arms for such empty wretchedness???

My wounds.
An utter sense of worthlessness that ate at me, constantly keeping me from the love that God was offering. I left what i did not fully understand and could not accept to be true.

This made me think about God's heart. Whenever i see someone i know suffering (emotionally, mentally) in their lives and i can see that they could be free from the pain--I ache for them. There is this yearning within me (this deep-gut-wrenching-heart-pulling yearning) to comfort them, to hold them, to simply envelop them in love--this is the heart of God, i think. He aches for us in our pain, calls to us softly-"Let me hold you, let me love you. Let me heal you."

Starting a new book, friend recommendation, "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. The subtitle is "Nonreligious thoughts on Christian Spirituality". Yum. All i know about him is that he comes with a high recommendation from a dear and respected friend... and he wants to marry Ani Difranco. I think i'm going to like this guy. :) Check out the author's note before the book begins:

"I never liked Jazz music because Jazz music doesn't resolve. But i was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when i saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never once opened his eyes.
After that i liked Jazz music.
Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.
I used to not like God because God didn't resolve. But that was before any of this happened."

Vulnerable.

This past week has been a hard one.
Struggling with my overextended existence (5 more weeks, 5 more weeks...) my heart felt hard and ugly and oozing out onto others. fell in some areas i had felt long dealt with...humbling, so humbling. A brokenness that settles in my heart....revealing my heart means vulnerability and a constant trust that Jesus will be there to hold me in my brokenness, that everything will be alright.
i have been thinking about the woman who lathered perfume on Jesus' feet and washed them with her hair. and about 'the one who has been forgiven much, loves much.'
how can i EVER lose sight of my brokenness? my incapability to love, to live, to even breathe apart from my Beloved one??
A few months ago i threw a ring into the ocean, tied to it all the things i had pursued for my self- each was represented by a strand of seagrass or seaweed. This act was so powerful for me, this week i was reminded of that time, space. Such a broken spirit...wherever and whatever you have for me God, lead me and i will follow. This is the cry of my heart.
apart from you Abba, i have nothing, i am nothing, i can do nothing.
Your mercy is the air i breathe.
I do not resist the lesson, i will wait for you and your overwhelming Goodness.
i will rest in the perfection of your love.

At Last...

man...Etta James can sang.

restoration.

new levels of

intimacy
brokenness
understanding.

Aren't three-year-olds amazing?

A path has been revealed and now i must move...
take the initiative and do what is needed to get there. Not to mention all that is apparent in my daily doings that i need to stay on top of. Loading myself up with a full plate, which i am a little concerned about....A month, a month to put into practice all the discipline i am learning and so desperately need.
A time of growth, self discovery and expression.
I am working on two new songs....with one and a half also in the works...where is all this inspiration coming from?? sometimes writing a song is like trying to squeeze water from a stone, and yet lately my guitar and pen can't keep up! beautiful, inspiring, estatic. i am so thankful to have this outlet, avenue of self-expression. lately when i've been playing, i can't tell where my guitar stops and where i begin. Yum.

all this inner work, (while amazing and much needed) and i am beginning to feel a bit disconnected from the world at large. i cannot even begin to fathom the devastation that so many are experiencing from all the recent natural disasters. (what is going on??)
i've been trying to stay away from the political arena of late....to preserve my sanity more than anything...but i'm interested to see the outcome of the coming indictment. exposure? justice? we shall see.

hmmm, anyway.
off to bed...early morning swim, some espanol, three red-headed crazies (whom i adore), and some connection with wise women to wrap it all up. Yum, yum.

G'night.

ponderings.

what am i doing with my life?
too large a question. too heavy a response.
instead,
what am i doing right now?
where does God have me right now?
who can i serve here and how?
i fear that these questions (and answers) get lost in the daily frustrated questioning of where i am going and what i am doing. I need to remember to be in my day, in every moment searching for a way to love those around me, conspiring for good, meeting the needs of others.

what does a true heart of humility look like?

Yum.

such a beautiful morning
the company
the Creation
the shared work, a common goal
the radio
the food and warmth
Simplicity
Your Presence pervades it all...
how beautiful you are my Beloved
how tender and kind-
what blessings you pour out upon us
to be here
to be together.

kirkwood...

day of working hard, an AMAZING meal, now good conversation, laughs, hot shower, and bed!
i love it.
my hands are calloused and dry and my heart is quiet within me. what a beautiful place.
i've been craving work with my hands....this weekend was timely, and has been a blessing to my soul. I was feeling a bit sorrowful and confused last night and was pining for my guitar. Instead, i sat in a car and prayed. Honest and open, simply worded from the heart. Afterwards i felt lighter, relieved, calm, and peaceful- resting in the love of my Abba.
It made me think, what do i run to for comfort instead of praying, meditating, and connecting with God? Not that my guitar doesn't serve that in many ways, but sometimes i think in expressing the emotions within me (on guitar) i tend to dwell in them, and never reach a peaceful state, a resolution of some kind. Which i think is valid, too.
Anyway- time to go. Love to all, and peace.

Comments...

hey
you all can comment now...figured out how to change the setting.
and when i say "you all" i mean all two of you.
dave, this means you.
paz,
rach

recoiling at the sight of myself from the inside-outside-in

ani's raging guitar is washing over me
with just a hint of sorrow
the rhythm rising around me
and i slip in between chord changes
and lean against the notes
thumbs resting on the lips
of my front pockets,
elbows bent
with corners intent
on stoic solitude.
not sure if i am
slipping into
my tough girl act
or just acknowledging
old callouses,
like a rough heel
thickskinned and worn-
dry
cracked
and peeling in places.
so self-contained.
i wear my wounds like a badge tonight
look what i came through,
see?
i'm strong too.
strong
and roughly feminine
borderline
neither here nor there
just try to tie me down
i dare
you.

and somewhere soft
within me
recoils
at this vision,
i can see her
smiling sweetly
just waiting
for this tough girl
to clean up her act
to let go
and laugh
at herself
at the thought that stone
cannot be penetrated
that marble will not crumble
that walls built do anything more
than keep
her enclosed
in her loneliness.

ani lyrics...

you keep telling me i' m beautiful
but i feel a little less so each time
your love is so colorful
it flashes like a neon sign
but i finally drove out where
the sky is dark enough to see stars
and i found i missed no one
just listening to the swishing of distant cars

i was floating above myself
watching her do just what you wanted
poor little friendly ghost
wondering why her whole house feels haunted
i told myself i was strong enough
that i had plenty of blood to give
and each elbow cradled a needle
but listless and faint ain't no way to live

so i hope i never see
the ocean again
pushing and pulling at me
as i go deeper and deeper in
til i'm so far from my shore
so far from what i came here for
i let you surround me
i let you drown me
out with your din
and then i learned how to
swim

so there's that.

aching
aching
the earth is quaking tonight
with labor pains
and my heart is slowly
turning away

she's upset with me
for the rollercoaster
i've stuck her on
i'm feeling foolish
and tired-
aching
aching

ending and beginnings
have blurred together
so painfully
maybe i've stretched myself to thin
maybe i've loved too soon again
always a mess, this
part of my life
and maybe it's just tonight
but my heart is seeping
shaking
steeping
waiting
quietly raging
crying and
breaking

with this
aching
aching.

¡Tranquila, Corazon!

the

cravings

are

killing

me.

but i fight
deny
flee
everything
that is obscuring my vision
("be Thou my vision....")
oh God please deliver me.

things always overwhelm
at night
alone
in an empty house
(again)

do i flee this too?
these situations that i am so unhappy in?
or do i stay, and struggle
with the hope of learning and growing
into something more
something less

desperate for you my Abba
please lead me
illuminate my path
what do you have for me?
silence?
solitude?
whatever i have, whatever i am
all yours
i count them as nothing
take me o God-
Father your will be done...
my will is a path of sorrow
and ennui
i reject old ways of being
Jesus thank you for inviting me
to new-ness

Que quiere senor?
tiene mi corazon, mi alma, mi vida-
son suyos.
todo daria, no importaria-
por un instante en su presencia.
ayudame senor
carinarme, con su corazon tierno
porque-
mi corazon me duele mucho.
algunas veces no puedo
respirar por el dolor.
pero, ya sabe.
sabe todo, mucho mas que yo.
por eso, senor, gracias.

oh my Sweet One,
you are too beautiful
for words
too holy for these eyes
"i repent in dust and ashes"
break me til i'm only yours.

Love is a Verb.

swam today....felt great!
life is so much easier (and fuller) when we stop resisting the lessons and instead have an available, teachable heart.
obedience to our Beloved brings so much joy!!

the music benefit i was a part of this weekend was amazing. So many people coming together to give their time, gifts, talent, money to help others. very beautiful, very inspiring. $1000 dollars was raised to help those suffering from the effects of the hurricanes.

while there, a friend of mine inadvertently taught me a huge lesson, unknowingly served as a very humbling reminder. i was sitting in the sanctuary (main room) of the building with some friends and a man came in and wanted to talk to my friend and i. we had been sitting near to the end of a pew, and this man came and squatted on the floor at the end of it, putting his face slightly below ours. He was tall and kind of scraggly looking, i had seen him earlier, standing by himself in a room full of people. As he began to speak it became more and more clear that he just needed to tell his story, needed someone to listen to him.
As this man begins to share his life with my friend, i am mentally disconnecting. Thinking, 'this guy is going to talk forever', 'how socially awkward', terrible things like that. Terrible, but a natural response for a lot of people i think. As the conversation progressed, my friend stood up. I had no idea what he was doing- was he going to leave mid-conversation? was he attempting to make a tactful escape? no, my friend stood up and kneeled down on the floor next to the man, on the same level, and continued to listen from this position.
my friend, Earl, is blind and yet he was able to see this person so much more clearly than i was. Earl saw this man's need, his hurt, and listened with genuine interest and compassion- he invited this man to share more of himself, and he commented with such wisdom and grace.
What generosity of spirit, incarnate tenderness! Earl thought nothing of time, of appearance, of social rules or norms, he simply loved this man. Offered what was needed, his time, his ears!, a compassionate heart.
How beautiful, and how humbling. I was too caught up in my self, i would have missed this. While Earl was on the floor with this man, i just looked at him, tears streaming down my face. What a beautiful God we serve, and how beautiful his creation when we reflect his light.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and angels , but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." (1Cor. 13:1-3)

Oh Jesus,
i want to be your heart- beating for those who are lost, speaking to their pain, bringing healing words of kindness, listening with compassion and grace. You are a wonderful Healer, your heart is so tender and your beauty is so powerful.
"Todo daria, no importaria-"...mi corazon late por ti.

the end of Garden State

leaves me crying everytime.
for some reason it tears me in two at the core.
why?
why do i feel this restlessness rising in my chest?
this desire to get in my car and drive and drive and drive
to GO
what am i searching for that is not already in front of me?
why am i so apathetic and unmotivated?
am i just sinking again?
is this spiritual unrest or just some lame school-girl-blues?
i love the romanticism of the end of this movie
but it leaves me longing
and aching
what the hell am i searching for???
God why am i here?
what am i doing?
is my restlessness just not wanting to deal with daily life?
do i need to grow through this and get beyond it?
it keeps coming back, raising its ugly head
the same feeling.
all my life
searching for someone to sweep me off my feet
fulfill the dreams of my princess-in-the-tower-like existence
but people have come and gone
long lasting relationships
where i just became bored and restless
nothing to make me unhappy necessarily
but i was
i want to GO
where??
when?
and to whose benefit?
i want home.
i want peace.
i've been trying to write the same song for a week now
and it won't come
i've been trying to write my spanish comp
ALL DAY
and i can't just sit down and finish the damn thing
lack of inspiration or lack of discipline?
or both?
God please come for me
in all my disillusionment and confusion
i am so frustrated.

my dad keeps walking through the house
turning off all the lights
i follow behind him
turning them back on
it's so depressing this cave-like habitation
my family has become

what is the answer?
stay or run?
tighten up, close off
or fight for vulnerability
i need someone to fight for me
(please fight for me)

Garden State pool conversation.

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? And all of a sudden even though you have a place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone."

"I still feel at home in my house."

"You'll see one day when you move out... it sort of happens one day and it's gone. And it's like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe its like this right of passage, you know. You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. For, for your kids, for the family you start. It's like a cycle, or something. But I don't know, I miss the idea of it, you know.
Maybe that's all a family really is, a group of people that miss the same imaginary place."

"Maybe."

burning, butterflies, loneliness, community, and seattle.

and there is this burning like there's always been...
and i've never been so alone- and i've never been so alive.

Habakkuk

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

Yet i will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

stream of consciousness

Alice Walker, Ani, and Fiona acompany me tonight in an orderly fashion parading through my conciousness like ants in a line sometimes i think i dwell too long in places deemed unfit by well intentioned individuals who know me fairly accurately my mind travels to the thin man piano player who sang the blues with his fingers so achey and divine and then to the man in the coffee shop tonight who sang his heart out though no one was listening i feel you man how the words jumble inside of me screaming to be let out with no relief no release its rather soothing to type without puncuation not needing to know where things end and begin again i have been thinking in the past lately saying goodbye to love and longing that once affected me so deeply and now just pass by on campus so strange to be strangers life is taking new curves and rolls and i am looking forward excited and astounded at how quickly things change how old am i again? oops put a question mark oh well it seems to fit there i think spent time talking about balance and the imbalance of life that causes us to grow felt rather disconnected from my self tonight a strange sensation as though i was there but not or maybe just partially community seems to be a recurring topic lately pondering what effect it will have on my life on the world how does one hold in tension daily life and eternity necessity and desire passion and the routine. struggling.
have all these songs waiting to be written yet the music isnt coming in a timely fashion can't rush art or force expression but it is a little frustrating.
thank you for telling me i'm beautiful i need to hear it.
my heart is beating for another touch from Your hand my Beloved One please move me and lead me i will follow spent time as a familiy tonight how i miss that so desperately we need it i've been dwelling in the future lately as well i'm missing the present just need to BE for awhile driving out of the way for pizza at midnight dancing in art museums climbing trees and dreaming this is the stuff life is made of i think things seem harder at night when you're alone it's time to get some sleep i'll hit the pool in the morning and emerge fresh.
peace.

what. a. day.

that's all.

"Be still and know that I am God"...

a busy day....
off to purge my room, i have so many things! i find it very cleansing, both physically and spiritually to purge "stuff"...
a little down time will be good. time to cleanse, to relax, listen to music, make some of my own-and quiet my heart.
looking forward to the weekend. learning honest communication. learning to be still.

Lessons

I struggle with the imbalance of justice and suffering in the world. So much pain and war.
A few weeks ago I was having a conversation about the "beautiful", the "ugly", and why sometimes loving one is easier than the other. In my life I have always found it easier to love the outcast, but I am learning to see with kingdom eyes. To see people clearly, and to understand the wounded places they are acting out of. As my dear one said, "It is all the same depravity, some are just able to hide it better."
Trying to apply kingdom eyes to the world.

In my Religions course we were discussing Hinduism within India. Hinduism holds the belief that a soul will continue to return to the earth, inhabiting different bodies, until the soul realizes its true Atman self (the divine that dwells within) and returns to Brahman (the divine without). Therefore Hindus, and much of Indian society, has a much more eternal view when it comes to time. (Which is probably a large part of the obstacles facing social change in India.) There is not an urgent sense of immediacy that we see in other societies.
This got me thinking....in what time do I view the world? My outrage and deep sorrow at injustice and human suffering--am I viewing this too with kingdom eyes? With eternity in mind? Change will most likely not come in my life time. Injustice will continue. The extremities of my emotions only bind me and keep me from being truly free to love, to serve, to see clearly, to heal, to be peace.

In the gathering I attended on Sunday, there was much talk of peace and the reconciliation of Creation to her Creator, reconciliation between the people of the earth. I was reminded that God claims vengeance for himself. ("Vengeance is mine, says the Lord." )
What a relief! I do not have to avenge the oppressed...God will judge, God will avenge, right all wrongs. Therefore I am free- free to love, to be the hands and feet of Jesus- bearing peace, love, abundant life.

Not to say that I will not be overwhelmed at times, by all the sorrow, all the pain. But instead of letting the pain that I absorb (for lack of a better word) turn into anger and frustration within me, I must give it to God. What does that look like? We'll see. I'm guessing a lot of loud praying, crying, running, pacing, getting to the beach for some humbling. Renewing, restoring, and resting in God's perfect love and infinite grace.

What a crazy adventure this is.

Hmmm...

"In the peace movement there is a lot of anger, frustration, and misunderstanding. The peace movement can write very good protest letters, but they are not yet able to write a love letter. We need to learn to write a letter to the Congress or to the president of the United States that they will want to read, and not just throw away. The way you speak, the kind of understanding, the kind of language you use should not turn people off. The president is a person like any of us.

Can the peace movement talk in loving speech, showing the way for peace? I think that will depend on whether the people in the peace movement can be peace. Because without being peace, we cannot do anything for peace. If we cannot smile, we cannot help other people to smile. If we are not peaceful, then we cannot contribute to the peace movement.

I hope we can bring a new dimension to the peace movement. The peace movement is filled with anger and hatred. It cannot fulfill the path we expect from them. A fresh way of being peace, of doing peace is needed. That is why it is so important for us to practice meditation, to acquire the capacity to look, to see, and to understand. It would be wonderful if we could bring to the peace movement our contribution, our way of looking at things, that will diminish aggression and hatred. Peace work means, first of all, being peace." -Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace

Bolinas...

What a beautiful day.
God's beautiful creation, good food, even better company, making music on the beach. A beautiful, moving gathering of the Body, a nap, and one incredible mango.Had an interesting conversation with a friend about synchronicity, patterns, "coincidence", God's hand moving in our lives.
And lately, it seems as though all the lessons have been tying together.
God's gentle nudging and kind instruction have been leading me in new ways of being, deeper understanding. It's quite overwhelming at times.Things to come...thoughts yet unborn, not fully developed, will share in time.Had an amazing weekend-Connections and growing friendships. Checking out a college campus, thinking about the future. Making music, planning a benefit concert. Climbing trees. Dancing in art museums.
I am so thankful for this abundance of life.
I feel as though I cannot contain all the blessing, all the revelations, all this incredible instruction and grace.Certainly a stretching time as well- more and more things coming into the light, becoming exposed. Allowing God to work within me, trusting what he has said about me, what he thinks of me. It is right to feel holy sorrow- to grieve those places within us that are in desperate need of God's healing and correction. But sometimes I tend to dwell there, stay too long, and it becomes an obstacle to truly allowing God to work. God has been so faithful to guide me and teach me how to handle all the issues that are arising, all the places within me that need change.
Writing a new song...

Wretched.

What a mess I am today.
so much more i want to post and write about. more productive, stimulating ideas and revelations....but here i am, just kinda stewing. feeling like i am on the edge of so much, leaving so many things behind, possibly carrying too much even still. new beginnings, old wounds, just feeling weighted. wish that my vision was clearer. struggling to sort through the new creation and old, new revelations and things to unlearn. a good struggle, but why am i bearing this unnecessary weight?
seeing places that so desperately need change, so many i want to weep. wanting to be vulnerable, and yet not collapse and burden another. what is wrong with me? so many desires pulling at me, contradicting each other and themselves.
my friend dave said,
I look at it as a fresh start but it could be the end of the world.
just feeling that today.

Waiting...

"Is it not as if I, a man, gradually and very circuitously became a child again, as if I, a thinker, became a child person? And yet this way was very good, and yet the bird in my breast did not die. But what a way it was! I had to go through so much stupidity, so much vice, so much error, so much disgust and disillusion and distress, merely in order to become a child again and begin afresh. But it was right, my heart says yes, my eyes are laughing. I had to experience despair...in order to experience grace, to hear om again, to sleep properly again, and to awaken again. I had to become a fool in order to find Atman [God] in me again. I had to sin in order to live again. Where will my way lead me now?" -Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse

things to think about

mystery
making love stay
jagged stones and river rocks
rivers
running
fleeing old ways of being
seeking the vastness of God's beauty,
in me.
balance.

struggling to keep my head on straight today.

Solitude...

felt restless today...it's the season in which many of my friends return to their various schools....return to a life which i am not a part of. kinda lonely.
plugging away at a community college, sitting in classes that do not interest me or stimulate my mind, counting away hours of my life that i will never get back.
is it worth it?
working towards some end...a degree. which, really is necessary if i am going to be a teacher.
the solitude was good for me today.
i drove out to Berkeley and walked around. treated myself to the best garlic-cheese bread ever created, sat and read for a bit. just being present. being in silence, better to observe those around me, even better to observe myself.
been having to battle a lot lately, fending off lies that i believed about myself for so long. feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, general wretchedness. i find that when i feel as though i have let people down, it eats at me. it can be the smallest sigh, or note of disappointment in someone's voice, and thats all it takes. i need to think about what lies i am still believing.
i am so thankful that God has been so kind. putting words in my heart, putting people in my path to remind me, giving me his comfort. without Him, i would be lost.
more later...i've been reading, "Siddhartha" and a Tom Robbins book that are so interesting.....

Inspired...

Voices ringing out
pure and longing-
desperately calling for a touch
of our Abba's hand.
desperate for His presence...
Come, Lord Jesus, come.

and He does,
pouring out His precious presence
uplifting the weary
speaking to the broken hearted,
His mercies so tender,
so intimate.
Thank you, Abba.

another voice ringing out-
strong and true
coming from such humble places.
a willing vessel,
craving so deeply his Father's blessing,
for His voice to be heard,
above all the rest.

and i am overwhelmed...
overwhelmed by God's faithfulness,
His love for us,
how desperately He longs for us in return,
how joyfully He pursues us...

Abba, your heart
calls to me, lifts my head, blesses me beyond
anything I ever thought possible,
I cannot contain the vastness of your beauty-
my heart is bursting with it.

To be in your presence, Beloved,
is to be whole.
I love you.

Mmmm...Beginnings

Why I decided to start this tonight? I do not know. Something I've been thinking about doing for awhile now. Why the "Holy Moment"? Well, a concept I have only begun to understand recently. Understanding that eternity, being before we can imagine and simultaneously further, beyond what we can conceive is also happening concurrently; right NOW. How beautiful is that? We are not waiting for eternity- life some kind of means towards that end...we are in eternity NOW! And this moment, holy in its utter uniqueness, possesses all the vastness of eternity within it. As so eloquently put in the film, Waking Life, "Empty with such fullness."
I find that so inspiring! It spurs me on to treasure each moment of life and discover beauty everywhere!
I may just be crazy. Anyway, it is late, andI fear I am quickly approaching Incoherent. Must sleep...long and beautiful day tomorrow.