Back from the Dead...

Feeling much better these days. I wrote this fantasticly funny blog about my misadventures during my illness but my parents' computer is having difficulties and somehow it was lost...SOB! alas, the world has missed out on a quite comical, slightly feverish blog. oh well. i might have just thought it was funny because my brain was mushy.
Anyway.
Had a beautiful experience on Sunday. i went to the "church without walls" in berkeley and then spent some time in good company afterwards. Matt and Rena invited me into their home for dinner. We spent time laughing and interacting with their son Noah, who is 1 and a half. Genuine, authentic conversation concerning "church", life, family, God, and relating to others in honest and vulnerable ways. it was so beautiful and i was so thankful for their warmth, hospitality, and the connection.
Connection without falsity or pretense...i felt comfortable, wholly welcome, and relieved. it was just what my soul needed.

Then yesterday, back to work at the coffee shop. i was feeling kinda down, i think it was a combo of the grey weather and some worrying i was doing. While i was working, an older woman, a regular named Gail who is "feisty" and hysterically irreverent, came in and gave me a gift- a necklace similar to the one i had commented on when she had worn it previously. Her necklace. It was incredibly thoughtful and generous. And it gave her such joy to give. I couldn't believe it.
Then later, a woman who works in the center came in and asked me if i was feeling better, that she had heard i was really sick. We chatted and i explained what had gone down, and she told me to listen to my body and take care of myself. Then when i asked her what i could get her she said, "Oh nothing- i just came in to see how you were doing." What the heck?!? i've talked to this woman maybe a total of four or five times. Yet she puts herself out there to show me care and concern. I turned to my boss and asked, "What IS this place??!"

It's crazy and beautiful- the community that has arisen there. Strangers interacting, getting to know each other in the early moments of their day. I cannot tell you how many connections i see happen every morning. It is really beautiful. And the regulars are something else...sometimes nosy and all too ready to offer advice, but more than anything showing care and love towards one another and all of us who work there. It is something else.

Then this morning, seeing my girls for the first time in over a week...very cool. The older two were tripping over each other to tell me about their weekend and the youngest was snuggled up in my lap. Magical. :)

I am so blessed.

I start school tonight, which worries me a bit. busy again. but i think i will be able to settle into a rhythm, and adjust what needs adjusting.
i'm feeling a bit disconnected from friends in far places...san jose, san francisco, santa cruz.... to any reading, i miss you guys dearly and want to see you soon.
Planning the summer out- it's the middle of june! (dear friends will be here in less than a month!!!! Ahh!) the fall, heading to Mexico, New Mexico, and then back for Christmas with the fam. Trying not to worry about school timing and such...ugh. We shall see.

Peace to all. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. :)

Pobrecita...

How can i explain to my little hermana that the heartbreak she's feeling will pass? How do i explain that sometimes first love ends in disaster? and that the worst part is the loss of that first ideal?
Maybe i don't explain anything at all, just listen. i think this is better. i just hate to see her hurting.

Question.

what do you do, when you've just held your mother as she sobs that she wants more from her life?

"...cause it doesn't remind me of anything."

good song.

spent the day at the coffee shop where i work. it was the one year anniversary party of my boss running the place. so many people, laughter, food, music. it was really beautiful to see Manami's friends and family come out and support her in her dream endeavor, and it was so wonderful to see the community that has sprung up in and around this place all come out and spend time together. i am really blessed to work there.
good people, good coffee...what more could a girl ask for?

and good music! jeez loowheez...
Manami's husband and his friend Paul were singing and playing the Blues... guitar-harmonica-goodness. yum.
i sang and played for a bit, good fun. i think one of the customers and i are going to try to organize some open mic spoken word/music nights...should be interesting to see what comes of it.

quiet night tonight. i'm going to head out to the Redwoods tomorrow morning for my sabbath. if you all have never been to a forest of redwood trees, i highly recommend it. the silence is amazing. it is a full silence. you walk into the forest, away from the sounds of society, and the silence simply envelops you. embraces you. it's like being embraced by peace and stillness.
"Be still and know that i am God" takes on a whole new meaning.

anyway, good night. i am watching a romantic comedy. i am such a sucker for a good romantic comedy. ugh.

hee hee. oh well. :)

Coca-Pola and Dr. Seuss

Got some great shots of the girls the other day...
made me realize how much i miss my camera and photography.
hmmm...i need to invest in a new camera. i'm thinking digital...but a really good one.
any suggestions???
kristen, are you out there?

Kleenex is your friend.

We must know what's going on in the world, right? I feel that it is our responsibility to be knowledgeable about world politics, global situations, suffering communities and peoples. But, how much is too much? Or is there a limit?
At some point, selfishly I feel that it is almost better not to know. It is too much sorrow to bear. In the past I would go through these really extreme periods... I was like a sponge, soaking up information and the world's sorrow and pain- my heart breaking and breaking for those who suffered. I would literally cry for days.
then I would become overwhelmed and almost completely shut off from the world- no news, no newspapers, magazines, nothing. I couldn't handle it anymore. It was almost a deadening.
This cycle would continue in its two extremes...it was very exhausting and painful.
I have been wondering about balances- I don't want to become desensitized to the suffering of others in any way. I also don't want to be an emotional wreck and unable to love and serve others in my daily life. I don't want to be unaware of what is going on in the world. some conflicts here...how do I reconcile them to each other and within myself??

had a particularly sensitive day yesterday...after I blogged I went out in the backyard to my mom who was gardening, and just sobbed. What if the little girls I watch had to witness such atrocities as their grandparents being shot in the head in front of them??? their pain is our pain, it is no different, it is not seperate. Iraqi children bleed the same as American children. If one human being suffers, we all suffer.

later on in the day I had a long talk with an old friend whom I had felt very estanged from recently. more crying. I hadn't realized it had been affecting me so much. I fear judgement from people I grew up with in the church, I fear their possible rejection because the path God has led me on has brought me to things they might not understand. I hope that we can have grace for each other in light of Unity, understanding, and the immensity of the God we serve.

no more writing now. still feeling vulnerable and sensitive. i hope the girls are nice to me today! haha.

blessings to all.

"If your Religion does not serve to make you a more Compassionate human being, then it is worthless."
- Dr. Parente; World Religions class, Fall 2005.

Memorial.

On Saturday May 27th, the Oakland Tribune ran an article titled, "GIs could face rap for killings." The article described a war crime of horrifying proportions.
November 19th- Haditha, Iraq:
In what is believed to be an act of retaliation for the death of a fellow officer (killed in a road-side bombing), a Marine unit shot and killed 24 Iraqi people; 19 of whom were in nearby houses that the Marines stormed, 5 others by a nearby vehicle.
Pictures taken of the event by a Marine intelligence team show that the bullet wounds were to the upper bodies of the people- some shot in the head, some in the back. It is believed that many were killed "execution-style."

Of the murdered were, not only men, but "several" women and six children.

From the article...
"Time magazine, in a report published in late March, quoted witnesses including a 9-year-old girl, Eman Waleed, who said she saw Marines kill her grandfather and grandmother, and that other adults in the house died shielding her and her 8-year-old brother, Abdul Rahman."

Generally, i try to stay out of the political realm on this blog, but this is not an issue of politics, this is an issue of humanity.

What are we doing???

My heart aches and aches and aches.

Swearing at Pancakes

I am continually amazed by the resiliency and depth of strength i encounter in women in my life.
Spent part of the weekend with my dear, dear friend and her sweet boy in Santa Cruz. She has been my faithful friend through so much. Amazing. She is so beautiful, so strong. I hope i can be half as good a mother as she is.

Coffee, Coloring books, and Dora

had a great discussion on unity and oneness last night with people i truly care about. very cool.

so finals are over, and with that my last excuse has flown out the window and i must begin to look forward and take necessary steps to prepare for leavings, comings, goings.

ugh. i wish i wasn't such a fearful person.
who was it that said fear is the opposite of love?
i've been thinking (and reading) about that a lot lately. every action we take is either out of Fear or Love. this is true of our thoughts, our reactions, our emotions. wow.

i want to act, think, and speak in love. with the motivation and source being love. not fear.
this is loving more deeply than i have before, more truly.

oh and the other thing...i wonder how much of our daily grappling and living out of these things is a Struggle because we deem it so.
a quote:
"You cannot lose in this battle. You cannot fail. Thus, it is not a battle at all, but simply a process. Yet, if you do not know this, you will see it as a constant struggle. You may even believe in the struggle long enough to create a whole religion around it. This religion will teach that struggle is the point of it all. This is a false teaching. It is in not struggling that the process proceeds. It is in surrendering that the victory is won."
-Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God

an interesting thought...sometimes i feel like i'm struggling all the time and sometimes i realize that really, i am just not resting.
peace comes when i am resting in God's perfection and wholeness, in the knowledge that the sweet Spirit whispers to me, "All is well. All will be well."

Miss Fiona-pants

Fragments of things running through my mind this morning. Half-written poems sprung from thoughts not yet developed fully. Things to get done, the list of "need to work on"s seems to grow daily.
I feel like i am constantly behind, never quite catching up. In my Humanities class we talked about how our society is extremely condusive to this- the pace of life is racing away from us and we are left feeling inadequate and inefficient.
how do i slow down my pace of Life? is it simply a matter of creating time and space for myself to just, be? to pray, meditate, center, recharge?

Fiona and i were car dancing this morning on the way home from driving her sisters to school. It was great. She and I have so much fun together. I think it is amazing how children can bring us back to the moment and teach us about seeing the world with wonder and awe. That and sometimes they are just downright HILARIOUS.

More later...a beautiful day to all.

Good Morning!

Today is absolutely beautiful- clear skies, blue, blue, blue.
The air is fresh and cool, the sun warm on my skin.
The birds are serenading everyone and no one.

Yum.

Going to spend the day with dear, dear friends at the Berkeley Himalayan Fair.
Music, delicious food, unique jewelry, and all benefitting humanitarian projects in Tibet, Nepal, India, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Mongolia.

I get to see my sweet Natalie and the ever precious Amir!!!
(I miss them so much.)

I thank God for the peace in my heart-
it is to beautiful that my soul cannot contain it, it brings tears to my eyes.

What a beautiful day to Be!
Paz de Dios a todos.

Alice Walker

Reassurance

I must love the questions
themselves
as Rilke said
like locked rooms
full of treasure
to which my blind
and groping key
does not yet fit.

and await the answers
as unsealed
letters
mailed with dubious intent
and written in a very foreign
tongue.

and in the hourly making
of myself
no thought of Time
to force, to squeeze
the space
I grow into.

Divine Curry

Came home last night with a bag full of the In'N Out meal i had ordered hours earlier, uneaten and cold.
When my mom looked at me quizically, I laughed and explained, "I didn't eat it. I had homemade Indian food instead."

Obviously, this demanded further explination. I sat down and told her my story.

I entered In'N Out (in Oakland) and saw an older man kind of lingering around near the line for the cashiers. Unsure if he was waiting or not i met his gaze and smiled at him. He wasn't. Realizing i didn't have any cash on me i got out of line and walked over to the ATM. The man meandered over in my general direction, as i was getting money out. I was aware of his presence and a little confused about what exactly was going on with him. He approached me and asked, "Are you from this country?"
This began a short conversation in which i learned that he, "J.K.", and his wife, Asha, were visiting from India. A short exchange occurred and we swapped emails.

I ordered and sat down to wait, politely observing the public space ettiquete of silence and avoiding others' eyes, when i saw the Indian couple sitting at a table with no food in front of them. I went over to ask them if they had already eaten, thinking maybe i could buy them dinner if they needed. They informed me that they were vegetarians and had brought their own food. They apparantly had come on a tour bus with a larger group of people, and had packed enough food for the whole trip, knowing that they would most likely not be able to eat at the places the bus stopped.

The invited me to eat with them.

We shared one plate and split up naan, HOMEMADE naan. We shared with each other from our lives- a beautiful conversation.
As i was getting up to leave, J.K. said to me, "This is our custom." I looked at him confused, and he said, "To share, to eat together. To welcome the stranger."

My heart melted in my chest- here they were, from an entirely different country, in a fast food resaurant in which no one had welcomed them- not even others from the tour they were on...and they welcomed me as a stranger.

How beautiful.

We said goodbye, and i took Asha's hands in mine and thanked her for feeding me, turned to J.K. and he bowed his head with palms together and said, "Namaste." Surprised and honored, i did the same.

Namaste. We were honoring and recognizing the light of God in each other.

I left, walking slowly to my car, thanking God for such a blessing as this.

This is Eternity.

my skin
fits
a little too tight
tonight...
something deep
is rumbling,
slowly turning over
like some reluctant lurching
engine
a slumbering giant
wakening from some deep sleep.
my Beloved lifts my head
and my ego's control slips
just enough
for a breath of fresh air
and grace
to permeate my being.

Abba, Divine One,
Mother and Creator of my heart-
open my eyes,
break me open to see
your beauty and expression
in those around me,
those that
are dwelling
in my own home,
in myself.

gentle stirrings,
softly, softly now,
i am remembering.
that when stripping the ego away
the Divine is revealed
in my deepest being

shh, quiet now, little heart
in silence wait for understanding,
in peace know that even if it never comes,
All will be well,
All is well.

My Lost Mind.

Have you seen her? She seems to have gone missing.
Hmmm.

Frustrated with myself. Why can't i just learn something once? Why can't i be in that glorious moment of understanding all the time? I have this lesser self that eats away at me- she taunts me with despair and selfish sadness, teasing me with her feelings-free deadened state.

"And there is this burning, like there's always been..."

So much in my life calls me to Life itself, to truly living, being present and awake. So why this evasive heaviness whose cause i cannot quite pin down??

Thinking a lot about Love lately and what meaning it holds, what consequences it carries. Vowing misery until death-do-us-part doesn't sound too apealing. Mejor sola que mal acompania.
The marriages i admire the most and appear to be the healthiest are those in which the partners are absolutely best friends. Lifelong friendship? Sounds good to me. Throw in a little mutual adoration and I'm there.
But do we ever find this? Does it find us? Is this a chance that can be lost? Can anything ever be truly lost?

Do you see my concern here? For my mind i mean. i start somewhere semi-concrete and end up spinning off into nameless galaxies of unknowns and very possibly meaningless thoughts. sigh. Does this get any easier?? Do things eventually settle down a bit, like maybe, when i'm 30?

Life continues to be one extending transition, which really, is beautiful when you think about it. Sometimes i do feel like i need a breather. I'm thinking about a weekend alone, in nature and in silence. Cut off from the outside world, by myself, in stillness and quiet.

it'd be good for me i think.
Anyway, good night.

Or not.

no words tonight...
thought maybe that i would have something to express but nothing's flowing.

perdon.

Good Morning, and Good Luck.

The greatest thing you will ever learn, is just to love,
and be loved in return.

it seems to me that the greatest lessons are those that uplift your spirit to heights previously unreached while ripping your heart out of your chest simultaneously.
funny, all the dualities i have been encountering of late.
i want my love to transcend fear, i want it so badly.
i am becoming more and more aware of old ways of being that were completely unhealthy, and for that i am very thankful.
yet, it presents an inner struggle,
and i can hear my Beloved whisper, "Do you want to be healed?"

Do you want to be healed?
Do you want to be healed?

and sometimes, honestly, i want to scream, "NO!" and turn my face away and run as fast as i can- resist the lesson, resist Life, refuse my breaking open.
but i know where that ends up anyway- in a heap on the ground, many heartbreaks later, whispering regretfully, "Ok, ok."

So, Here I Am.
Fight or flight mechanisms whirring in my head, my heart racing, my feet itching for the road.

Embrace me, Beloved,
that i might embrace whatever lies ahead.

Fragile and Crazy

It has been forever since i have written here. Living circumstances have prevented me from having computer access at night, which has generally been my "blog-time."
i have a raging manifesto burning somewhere in my chest, which is almost ready to see the light of day, er web.
Perhaps if i were to begin now it would make its way out, but alas, i have work in 2 hours and must finish cleaning.
It is amazing to me the settling power of cleaning. As though, cleaning out my living space helps to clean out my head/heart/being. The state of my living space very much reflects my inner state, i think.

so, in short, i am a mess.
Ha, ha.

More soon, more soon. i didn't realize how much i enjoyed blogging until i no longer had accessibility. ('The time has come,' the Walrus said, 'To consider buying a laptop.')

I'll leave you with one thought. I have been reading a lot of Kahlil Gibran's writing lately. I read through Sand and Foam, which is a collection of quotes from his writing and is definitely not a one-time read. i have also begun reading The Prophet, which has really been striking a deep chord within me- there is great profundity in simplicity and Kahlil Gibran has so much quiet, inner wisdom. In The Prophet, the enlightened man who is leaving his beloved village and known life, imparts some final wisdom to those he is leaving behind. He addresses the concerns of the crowd- Love, Marriage, Children, Joy and Sorrow, Reason and Passion, Pain, Self-Knowledge, Teaching, Friendship, Pleasure, Beauty, Religion, and Death among others. As you might imagine, this is a very beautiful book.

Of Pain he says:

"Your pain in the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so you must know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears."

Connections

Thank God for good conversations....they have been my lifesaver as of late.

thoughts on the way home...

Driving on 5
The weight of possibility
The levity of glory
Viewing all I have left behind me
With gentleness and grace

Those things I still carry
I hold tenderly, cautiously
Increasingly aware of my vulnerability,
Encountering less and less resistance
To these moment by moment surrenderings
Of my heart, my fears, my very life.

O Abba, Holy One
Ante ti doy me vida-
Please guide me,
You are my One desire.

The dust of a holy city
Clings to my clothing
Poor and divine
And dirty.
My heart beats truly when I am there-
This is a phenomenon I must explore.

North bound
I am
Breathing and living
Not resisting where I find myself to be-
In a car with three other crazy ladies
Who carry within them
Divine Wisdom-
Reflections of Sofia and the Heart of Christ.

Holy week in Mexicali
La familia, les amo mucho.
Me encantan los ninos,
La musica
La tristeza
El gozo
Me encantan todos.

Pull myself back to this Moment,
Inhale Life fully
And exhale until my lungs hurt.

I am remembering moments of hilarity,
Shared laughter
And a depth of love that transcends all spoken language.
O las chistosas, los tramposos-
Que sarra!
Tan gacho!
Un sape para ti!
Oh mis hermanas, hermanos- voy a extranarles.

What a beautiful Life
God gives us to live, to love, to enjoy.
My love for Mexicali
And my family
Only grows.

Driving on 5
Laughter and tears co-existing
Love transcending dualities
Until I feel like I could burst.
Coming into Love
Waking up to Life
Worshiping God in all I do
And recognizing the Divine in all the world around me.

Peace and Joy to all.
Paz y Gozo a todos.

Mexico Bound!

Hey vosotros,

i'm gonna be in mexico for the next week....
if you're of the praying persuasion
please pray for us.

specifically-
please pray for direction for me.


Thanks so much! love you guys...
talk to you in a week!

journal excerpt...

my heart exists
in such fragility
this morning
she's a little tired,
and the Ache is knocking on her door-
to let it in would be
some kind of surrender
to old ways of living, loving.

and then my heart remembers.
and it's these little rememberings that continually save her.

she remembers that "True Love" does not exist,
but that the greatest lesson of Life's moment of existence
is this:

to learn to truly love.

i am a bloody fool.

my heart feels like it is ready to explode out of my chest.
i create a tightly woven web
of past and present
possibilities and poor investments.

this web traps my heart,
exposes my underbelly
and makes me
ache
ache
ache.

what a bloody fool.
i walk around in the shadows of my past,
at this moment i am sitting next to
a ghost
a vision
a person who reminds me of one i used to love.

ugh.
i have to go.

Oh! and...

daniel dixon is a humble genious
whose music
cracks
me
open.

Murmurings

Last night was so amazing-
played a casual show with friends and children,
coffee, food, and Love.
such genuine hearts-
i haven't felt that loved in a long time.
i need connection, community.


Thanks Deb for telling me i am not crazy.
i am not thoroughly convinced, but it is so good to hear it.

i feel paralyzed by my desires, my dreams-
the opportunities are so vast before me,
but each road, each path requires different preparation
and i am unsure of my next step.

priorities,
timing,
money...UGH.

maybe i should just lay out my "ideal" and aim for that.
maybe that is too lofty an idea.

I am one crazy lady.

[Insert biggest sigh ever-in-the-history-of-everything HERE.]

i am ....ALONE!!!!
i am puppy-dog sitting and i have the ENTIRE apartment to mySELF!!!
Hallelujah!
holy moly!
This is so great!
I could scream right now and no one would know!
I could dance around singing ridiculous 50's pop songs at the top of my lungs!
I could cry
read
write
play guitarra-
sit
in
silence!
Wow.
This is so great.

Now, to the crazy lady section of this blog (if you don't consider the earlier bit to be that....) I am so torn about what i want to do. I mean somedays the clarity makes my eyes water and my heart rejoice and other days- well, i feel like this.
i know what makes me come alive. i know my passions...now God, how exactly do i squish all those things together? ......and AFFORD it????
it is both a blessing and a curse to be of the artistic persuasion. Nothing i could imagine myself doing would ever make ANY money. Not that money is what i'm after- not at all. I am very content to live humbly for the rest of my life, die with very little material posessions. It's not that. It's just....that it costs money to live!!! to travel, buy art materials, guitar strings, food...things of this nature.
Hmmm...
There are always so many factors.
People, places, timing...

:-P ("pthhhbbb.")
...Thats how i feel about that.

You know, this all sounds very light and comical- this blog, that is. But really this is something that weighs on my heart a bit.
I think the comedy routine serves to provide some levity.
So....
imagine dancing chimpanzees and loud circus-type music...
children, skipping in circles,
shannon singing songs about elephants in her head,
oompa loompas!

what the heck- anything that is utterly ridiculous and makes you feel slightly scared and belly laugh at the same time.

gosh i miss shannon.

i need someone to go nuts with.

it's kinda worrisome, i think, when you are all alone writing things like this.
i may erase this so you all don't seriously begin to question my sanity.
-What will you think??-

yikes.

Beautiful.

where am i?
sage burning
stomach full of fresh veggies
cooked in my latest
therapy session with the stove
ears pervaded by the songs
of aspiring singers
dreamers
people who are
reaching for something more
than what they know

my body is tired
and i'm worn a little weary
tonight

needing space
and quiet
change of residence maybe
would inspire
a more soul-friendly space
for me to just be
it's not me
it's not you, them, they, we
it's now
it's where, when, and how-
who i am.

and who am i?

the mystery wraps her arms around me tonight,
i am broken down
and rebuilt a thousand times
every moment
eternity echoes around me
awake and alive to the Beauty-
which is to say, the Sorrow,
Life,
God,
All,
One.

earthquakes shake these days
and i realize how precious Life is,
how necessary it is to fully live every moment we recieve
and i am so grateful,
so grateful.

Love, even if we share but a moment of this Life
the resonance of Om, of harmony, of love
will echo, resound, expand
in my being
in every moment
all eternity.

Amado Nervo

Muy cerca de mi ocaso, yo te bendigo, Vida
porque nunca me diste ni esperanza fallida
ni trabajos injustos, ni pena inmerecida;

porque veo al final de mi rudo camino
que yo fui el arquitecto de mi propio destino;
que si extraje las mieles o la hiel de las cosas,
fue porque en ellas puse hiel o mieles sabrosas;
cuando plante rosales, coseche siempre rosas.

...Cierto, a mis lozanias va a seguir el invierno:
mas tu no me dijiste que mayo fuese eterno!
halle sin dudas largas las noches buenas;
y en cambio tuve algunas santamente serenas...

Ame, fui amado, el sol acaricio mi faz.

Vida, nada me debes! Vida, estamos en paz!

What the Heck?!?

pastors? elders?
lack of authenticity
lack of love
protocol
church politics

grieving the
heart
of God.

Ha haha whee!

whhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

one more

..."I recalled a story a woman had told me about her six year old daughter. The child, freshly home from Sunday school, was reporting to her mother what she had learned that day about God. Over and over she referred to God as "he." Her mother asked, "Why do you say 'he,' Ashley?"
"Because God is a man, Mommy."
"But why is God a man?"
Ashley thought a moment, "I guess because God thought that was the best thing to be."

There's somthing infinitely sad about little girls who grow up understanding (usually unconsciously) that if God is male, it's because male is the most valuable thing to be. This belief resonates in a thousand hidden ways in their lives. It slowly cripples girl children, and it cripples female adults."

On this blog i often refer to God as both "he" and "she" in order to demonstrate that God is both he, she, and neither. Also, i think to attempt to compensate for the centuries of denial of the sacred feminine. And yet to refer to God solely as "she" makes me uncomfortable still. which is very interesting to notice and think about. what is it in me that cannot fully allow for feminine divinity? what patriarchal voices am i carrying still?
But really, why not? God is often referred to in terms that are definitively male- and yet it is insisted that God is neuter and it is only a pronoun, the limits of language. so why not the other way around- why is that uncomfortable? why would many Christians i know squirm in their seats? very interesting.
these are really just intellectual musings, surface thoughts that are reflecting a much deeper pondering, reckoning, coming to self.
i can't yet fully talk about it...it has not taken the form of words yet.
one more quote, and then i'll go.

" Until women can visualize
the sacred female they cannot be whole
and society cannot be whole."

-Elinor Gadon

quotes to ponder

"In some ways, spiritual development for women, perhaps unlike that for men, is not about surrendering self so much as coming to self."

"When you can't go forward and you can't go backward and you can't stay where you are without killing off what is deep and vital in yourself, you are on the edge of creation."

"This is a stupendous moment for a woman--when she decides to live from her own inner guidance. It is, however, excruciatingly hard for a patriarchal daughter to accomplish....
What is held over her head is condemnation, even damnation. We've been led to believe that leaving the circle of orthodoxy means leaving the realm of truth. Typically the church has considerable stake in our staying in the orthodox circle. It knows if we claim ultimate authority as something in ourselves, as some inchoate voice in our own souls, it has lost all power over us. We have rendered ourselves independent, outside its control. We have stepped out onto our own path. For some reason this scares people senseless.
It terrified me just pondering it.
Women grow afraid at this moment because it means giving up a world where everything is neat and safe. In that world we feel secure, taken care of; we know where we're going. Then we wake up and find the old way doesn't work, that it no longer fits our identity, that by clinging to it, we're cutting ourselves off from something profound. But we cling anyway because it's all we've got. We call our desire for security loyalty. We yearn for something we've lost as women, but it's so unknown, so unbearably unknown. And then one day it all comes down to this: Can we trust ourselves, our inmost selves, our feminine wisdom?"

Tonight.

Fragile, so fragile.

And this the hour of my disillusionment

i pick up my phone
and put it down again
at least a dozen times.
there are
people to call
but really, what would i say?

tonight's one of those nights
when i wish i could
drive and
drive and
drive
my way into Solace.

Like a Child.

Oh God, what have we done to your Church?
compartmentalized
divided by man made philosophy, theology
do we forget that man's Greatest Wisdom can't even touch God's stupidity?

for those of you with God locked in a box-
worshipping at the altar of your Ego,
don't you know that God cannot be limited?
he is bigger than you or me
she is bigger than you or me
divinity cannot be defined
the greatest Mystery of the universe cannot be fully comprehended-
our minds cannot grasp Him,
if they could, She would not be God.

i am grieved.
how did the church become so ridden with politics and protocol? like the Pharisees we are making up ridiculous rules that God never imposed upon us-
i want to stand up and shout
like the prophets of old,

wake up!
unify!
reject the lies of division,
throw out all that does not reflect
the beautiful heart
of Christ!
flee pride!
unify!

like a child, like a child, like a child-
full of wonder, awe
so close to joy
and sorrow
living in the moment, purely and simply-
children
have no concept of time
they do not worry about tomorrow or the next time they will eat-
they trust completely that it will be provided
that they will be taken care of.
children
do not reject other children
because of outward perception
they love wholeheartedly
wonder and awe
laughter abounding

jesus rejoiced in children, gave them his time
with no thought
of the next thing he needed to get to...
can you see the heart of God??

Come like a child,
come like a child to Me.

Hailstorm and Three-Year Old Wonder

Fiona and i experienced hail this morning.
She is so incredible.

Wanting

i search the archives
almost wishfully,
what am i looking for?

what a silly being
i am,
i think to myself-
half laughingly and half scared.
do i think i can really mess it up so badly
that the will of God could be deterred?

sometimes i embrace the mystery
fully
and joy expands my being.

sometimes i'm just sad and fearful
and alone.

this pull in my heart-
what does it mean?
or does it mean anything at all?

maybe i am just a silly girl.

maybe

i

am

just

crazy.


either way, really it doesn't matter. i don't think.

i write in code
so as not to give myself away
i hide
in words
and hazy phrases
that don't really say anything at all.

tonight it just hurts
and i want a room of my own
a sanctuary
with a coffeemaker
a cat
a bookshelf
and a window.

and a comfy chair to curl up in and read, write, sipping a cup of New Guinea blend. Maybe have etta or billie crooning on my stereo, keeping the loneliness at bay. maybe with someone who has the key, letting themselves in, whose entrance i feel more than hear or see.

my Jacob Grace.

you know, that book really f----- me over. (again.)
presented me with every ideal i could hope for, wish for....a happiness so incredible that it almost cannot be believed. a union of souls, depth of understanding and connection- and in the end? it all comes to a crashing halt anyway.
almost as if the author herself couldn't really bring herself to believe that it could happen, that love can exist like that.
so, why did i reread it?, you may ask- i think it is because i want to so desperately believe that it exists, and that it will stay. i couldn't bring myself to reread the ending. To ingest that ending again would be too traumatic to what faith i have left.

God-Shaped Hole, indeed.

sigh,
i want to love without fear.
"When the mystery goes, love goes..."

my heart whispers,
quietly, fearfully, hopefully-
stay
stay
stay.

Hafiz

THAT SHAPES THE EYE

Children
Can easily open the
Drawer

That lets the spirit rise up and wear
Its favorite costume of
Mirth and laughter.

When the mind is consumed with
Remembrance of
Him

Something divine happens to the
Heart

That
Shapes the hand and tongue
And eye into
The word
Love.

GooGoo Dolls

So take these words and sing outloud-

cause everyone is forgiven now
tonight's the night the world begins again.

Hmmm...

Let not our love divide us,
let not our love divide us.

If we do not live our passions, it is a slap in the face to God.

Music makes
my soul spin
and twirl
rejoicing
in the experience
of being alive-
and whether you call it
your "story"
or your "testimony"-
it doesn't matter.

semantics and pride
go hand in hand.

my strings are singing
about God's hand
in my life
through
people
places
instances
love
friendship
heartbreak
and human ties-

let not our love divide us,
let not our love divide us.

protestant
baptist
catholic
lutheran
emergent
unitarian
presbyterian
whatever man-made division you subscribe to-

you do not have the corner
on truth.
your way is not the only way-
humility leads us to understand
that we understand so little.

and we can come up with fancy words
and we can put each other in categories
but the heart of God cries out...Unify! Unify! Unify!

they will know us by our love-
let not our love divide us,
let not our love divide us.

Frustration.

Do you ever feel like
you are
not
having a conversation
with someone-
but rather, while you are talking
their face is saying, "i am listening"
when really
underneath
their mind is racing
analying every word you're saying
coming up with some retort?
some argument
to displace your musing?
and you realize
they weren't listening at all
and what you have said
has no effect on them

and is not valued

which is expressed
simply
by the act.

sometimes i wish a punch in the stomach could open the ears
and dismantle pride.

Reflections

Our ego must be healthy before we can let it go and be beyond it.
It seems that so many young people in the Christian church are moving back towards a creation-centered understanding of Jesus' teachings. Realizing that who we are IS beautiful, because we are an expression of God--that our innermost beings are not bad or evil, that we need not believe the deceptions of shame, guilt, or self-hatred. But rather delight in God in us.
The ego is our perception of ourself and how we want others to percieve us. It is the wall we build, the facade we recreate daily to feel acceptable to ourselves and impressive to others. It is seperation, alienation, and an obstruction to our True selves....the place within us where God dwells.
In order to move deeper, to reach a fullness of understanding, we must shed our egos like a snake sheds old skin that doesn't fit anymore. But in order to leave our ego behind, it must be a healthy one. If anyone thinks they are the best, if anyone thinks they are the worst- it is an unhealthy ego and cannot be shed.
For a person who has grown up in the redemption-centered Christian church, who has daily been confronted with guilt and shame and feelings of inadequacy or incapability- the ego is a wounded creature. This image of yourself must be healed before you can let it go.
For once it is healed and you understand the gift of yourself, the unique and irreplaceable expression of God that you are- you don't have to present a facade or worry about silly things...you can let go of that which you have held onto so tightly- you don't have to impress anyone, or prove yourself to anyone. you don't have to be someone you are not.
The ego is a barrier and will keep you from truly connecting with others, with God, with yourself. Once it is healed, it can be let go.

How beautiful to realze that we are all One, and yet distinct and unique expressions of God, simultaneously. i had thought that maybe there was some conflict there...but someone wise pointed out to me that as we celebrate our uniqueness and gifts we are reminded of our interconnectedness,(The hand cannot function without the eye), and as we remember we are all One, we can delight in the beauty that we create together, because of our very differences creating a fuller reflection of his/her Divine face.

Blue like Jazz...

Life is indeed
a musical masterpiece-
take up your instrument and play!
as in the psalms-
make a joyful noise unto the Lord!
play the guitar
play the piano
the marimba
the bass, the drums!
play your steering wheel, the sidewalk, a garbage-can lid!
play your thighs, your belly,
tap your toes as you dance down the street
engulfed in the rhythm
of the eternal Om
that vibrates and resonates
within, through, around us all...

this eternal song is constantly
playing
deepening and growing
a crescendo of greatest beauty-
with intricate melodies,
soft and tender-
loud and raging.

won't you join in?
sing in public-
dance down the street or in the office,
laugh hard!
let the joy of being erupt from within you
and pour out on those around you
don't mind laughter
or staring eyes...
rejoice in your wholeliness!
you will undoubtedly bless someone around you, someone in your path
whether you know it or not.
and you will surely delight the Great Musician who will sing and dance with you-

his holy laughter
healing the cracks and fissures
of the world.

Quote

"The most beautiful and most profound emotion we can experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the sower of all true science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead. To know what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty which our dull faculties can comprehend only in the most primitive form- this knowledge, this feeling is at the center of true religiousness. The cosmic religious experience is the strongest and oldest mainspring of scientific research. My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to percieve with our frail and feeble minds. That deeply emotional conviction of the presence of a superior reasoning power, which is revealed in the incomprehensible universe, forms my idea of God." -Albert Einstein

Gavel.

aching, aching, aching.

afterthought

...I have been wondering about people lately. how we interact, relate, and love one another. I watched a show on anorexia and bulimia today. A lot of the reading for my "Life and Death..." course has been reflecting on the delicacies of human relation.
How fragile is our humanity.
If we could all see that our wound is the same, that we are all broken- not one of us better or worse than the rest, maybe some healing could happen in the world. Politics, ethnocentric societies, Religion- all want to divide us and pit us against one another. How this must break the heart of God. Some say that Lennon's "Imagine" is some great communist manifesto, but look at the words, simply. what a beautiful prayer...a pure desire for peace among people.

"Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one."

...and understanding that peace must first be born in us, individually, if it is ever to reach the world. The bible talks about a peace that "transcends all understanding." Thicht Nhat Han wrote the book, "Being Peace" saying that we must have peace within our own beings if we wish to influence the world for peace. Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

I have also been thinking about loving and accepting ourselves. Thinking about the insecurities, doubts, and outright lies that i have believed about myself and have been perpetrated and perpetuated by myself, the society, and others around me. the self hatred and lack of acceptance, (let alone appreciation!) that i have kept myself bound with are now being confronted.

whew.

Sunday

))><((

ahhh-hahahaha!

what?

one must do something to amuse oneself while sick all weekend!

i'm researching the Hopi Indians as well...a little more productive, and very interesting.

Dreams

my dreams are currently being haunted
by an uninvited ghost.
not unwelcome,
just unexpected.
not quite sure what to do with her-
i think if we meet again tonight
i will ask her
what she's doing here
and what the purpose of her
return
might be

a muse of sorts,
visiting me?

a new song has arisen out of a vision
of my hands
caressing la guitarra.
i don't quite know what to make of it all...

Mystery

Where is your spirit moving, Mother?
Abba
brother
lover
sister
Beloved One of my heart?
what greater manifestation of the Oneness
than your spirit, your being?

your footprints
tread along the oceans you created
purely
for your Glory
with each breath
i am circling
closer
to understanding

that the fullness of understanding is beyond me.

i am content with the glimpses.


i had a dream last night in which i was playing guitar. this morning i remembered clearly what my hands looked like on the neck. i got up and started playing...
crazy.
it's beautiful.

Hey! Almost forgot!

Started classes yesterday...
woke up a little late, was nice and warm in bed, storming outside...and the LAST thing i wanted to do was get up and go to class. NOT a good sign if i am already dreading school on the first day!
But, i got up and went....and it was great!
I am SO happy that i decided to only take these classes and not overload myself. I chose two profesors that have GREAT positive energy and bring such passion to their subjects, classes, lives!
Educacion as it should be...i love it!

Happy Birthday Tommy!

Here's my favorite conversation of the day.
Thursday, 8:15am.

F: "Arrgh, me mateys!"
R: "Fiona, (laughter)are you being a pirate?"
F: "No."
R: "No? What are you being?"
F: "A conscious."


Ahh, three year olds.
They're my favorite.

hmmm...

love is funny.
i know it is not the fairytale we grow up hearing about and believing in.
but still, i'd like to think it's more than a "choice"- a DECISION to make a COMMITTMENT....and blah blah blah.
doesn't seem very romantic or exciting to me.

love can change the course of your whole life.

had a cool conversation with my mom a few weeks ago about love and marriage, how loves changes, the things that make us fall in love, and those that keep us falling.
In "Still Life with Woodpecker" Tom Robbins wrote a lot about "making love stay"- he said that making love stay is inseperably intertwined with Mystery....when the mystery goes, love goes. (i'll throw a quote on later....he says it much better, i believe.)

oh and side note- i know that i sound like a Robbins fiend....i'm not, i swear it! Two of the last few novels i've read have been by him, and his writing has been provoking quite a bit of thought.

anyway must go.
more late...

hasta.

future

new ideas stirring...
prospects for travel arising...
my soul is dancing with the possibilities!

pieces of consciousness.

drivin down the one-oh-one
california- here we come!

wake me up when september ends...

these words are all i have
so i write them

so come here, stand in front of the light
stand still so i can see your silohuette
i hope you have got all night
cause i'm not done looking yet-
i know there is strength in the differences between us,
i know there is comfort where we overlap...

i'll show you mine, if you show me yours first-
we'll compare scars
and i'll tell you whose are worse

it is for me the eventual truth-
in the look of the lioness
at her man across the nile

i want to be someone else
or i'll explode

hide and seek...

she says forget what you have to do
pretend there is nothing outside this room
like an idea she came to me
but she came too late
or maybe too soon


how long i'll wait
just to say goodbye...

you painted a picture i'm the worst type of sinner you know


let your soul shine
it's better than sunshine
better than moonshine
damn sure better than the rain-

it's been awhile...

sitting at home, grey day, and i am a sickie!

finished a couple of books, one being "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" by Tom Robbins. Very interesting book...i love how Tom Robbins will weave into the story amazing philosophical concepts- magic and mysticism, the relativity of time and space, feminism (yay!) vs man-hating (boo!), the outlaw vs the criminal. Robbins is crazy, a genius no doubt, and crazy!
Yum.
So much to update here.
So many small and beautiful blessings God has put in my path.

went to an AMAZING reggae show on sunday at the catalyst-
giving thanks and praise to Jah as we danced and danced and danced
the celebration of life and the sacredness of being!
Reggae music moves me like no other. (Thank you Barrington Levy!)
if i hadn't cut my hair i think i would be gettin some nappy dreds. :)

a walk along the beach the next morning...probably about a mile and a half...completely barefoot!! it was wonderful! strolling barefoot, exchanging good mornings with passerbys, stopping randomly to run to the shore and greet the sea. hung out near some hilarious seals, watched the surfers enjoying the waves and sunshine. good conversation concerning God and life, open hearts and experience, Parents, "adults", alternative ways of living, travel, and hope.

also met with one of my mentors this week, this beautiful, crazy lady whose experience of life and love and trust in God is so inspiring to me.
As we sat in that office, the way the desk lamp illuminated her face-
she looked like an angel,
a prophetess.
i could see the years of pain
and experience
gracing her face
with such deep beauty.
[i hope i am beautiful like that some day.]
i hold her words close and ponder them in my heart.
she laid hands on me and prayed.

thank you, Abba.

i'm going to live my life in 5 minute increments...holy moment to holy moment.
learning how and preparing to communicate with my father.
understanding that lessons learned now are often preparations for future situations yet unseen.
learning to live in the moment, rejoicing in the beauty i have found in this.
forgiveness recieved breaks open my heart to newness.

Help.

Wow.
Got quite the response for posting a vent on this space. I never post to spite someone or to cause hurt.

Guess no more venting here.

Interesting dynamic to have people read your journal...nice to let them in and look around, get to know you better; at the same time receiving judgement when they see the ugly stuff.

I am torn. I want to get away from all this unhappiness. I dwell in strained silence with complete strangers. No wonder Han and i are so close. We're like life jackets for each other.
I am tired of living in such negativity. I just want to come home to someone who loves me. Someone who rises to greet me, delighted to see me. and a cat. i want a home and a cat.
I want to come home and have it feel like home.
its been so flubbing long...my soul is weary.
God please lead me because i don't know where to go.
fighting bitterness the best i can but it is wearing me down.
My greatest desire is to get out. get away.
its all just so unhealthy here.
i fear fleeing though- that never really solved anybody's problems.
but maybe they're not mine to solve. How long will we need to bend for and work around someone's denial of and unwillingness to work on their issues?
Oops, venting again.

pray hard please, anyone reading this.
my soul is in anguish.

Forgive me.

"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a woman; I will question you, and you shall answer me.
Where were you when i laid the earth's fooundation?
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when i made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when i fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when i said: 'This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt'?
What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside? Can you take them to their places? Do you know the paths to their dwellings? Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years!
Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens when the dust becomes hard and the clods of earth stick together?
...Would you discredit my justice? Would you condemn me to justify yourself?
Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let she who accuses God answer him!"



Then Rachell replied to the Lord:
I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
Surely i spoke of things i did not
understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.


Oh Abba,
hold me in your arms tonight.
forgive your wayward daughter
who is so quick to forget
Who you are.
I am scared and i feel so alone, my Beloved.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

"Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When i said, 'My foot is slipping,' your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."

"My comfort in my suffering is this:
Your promise preserves my life."

Thank you
thank you
thank you.
Your grace is sufficient for me.
how could i forget this?

mantra

I am a lotus.
I am a lotus.
My roots are grounded in the muck and grime,
but my petals still emerge
untouched
unscathed
radiant and pure.

I am the lotus,
i will emerge
this will not swallow me.
i will not allow it to-
flowers fade in winter
shrivel and die away
but birth comes from death
and spring returns
and i will bloom
again.
just need to find
a little breath
of sunshine.

will 200 dollars buy me a family?

you were my mama bear.
the heart of my heart.
i would come to you, running-
knowing that my pain would be felt
and that you would take up your arms
claws and teeth
and come to my rescue,
bear my burden
ease my pain
and fight tooth and nail for me.

you always said if he ever touched you
you would leave him
but you never followed through
on behalf of your children.
i thought that your moment of betrayal occurred
when
he pushed me, knocked me to the ground, and kicked me
and i saw you
standing at his side
the next morning
talking to the officer about anger management classes.

but it happened long before that.

even tonight
when i poured out my heart to you
before he got back
i could see something in your eyes shift
i could see that pillar arising
to stand beside me
and support my dreams
and to simply and just love me.

no, the betrayal happened long ago
when you decided
that your vow
was stronger than
your duty
to stand up for your children.
(who will fight for the helpless?
who will speak for the voiceless?)

it happened the first time
you ignored your mama bear instincts
to "keep the peace"
when you fought the sense of right
rising in your chest
and compromised
to a punishment or consequence
you didn't agree with.

while the words of protest
died in your throat
i watched a light dim
in your eyes
and fear and dread swept over me
because i finally realized
i would be fighting
alone.



my heart is broken into a thousand pieces.
things were going to be so easy- and it has been so long. how i was looking forward to time on my hands, time to create and read, self-educate. time for my sanity, self-discovery and growth. and i would be able to save money at the same time?!? the blessing of this seemed overwhelming.
why do you need to make it hard? why do you need to take that away from me? when can i live on my own terms?
i wonder if there will ever be a time when one's parents will not inspire the urge to jump off the nearest rooftop.

when wings have been clipped too many times,
the roots are resented.

Milagro

Your hands are the voice of God,
your hands are the voice of God.
use them for love-
no, not your mouth
we've got plently of those running
around

and your words are not enough
they barely scratch the surface of
this wound weeping in front of you-

and his hands,

his hands bled blood-red love,
blood-red love

please use your hands for love.

WOMEN.

How broken are we???
Sometimes the interaction between men and women breaks my heart, even between women and other women...even women and themselves!
When will we understand our beauty? When will we love ourselves?
Eating disorders, image issues, self hatred, insecurity--to meet WHOSE standard???
Women, listen:

You are beautiful.
You are made in the likeness of God.
You are the "Crown of Creation"--without woman, it was "not good."
You are God's own expression of herself!!!
You are his treasured and cherished beloved.

Listen to me women of unfathomable beauty!
This is your assignment for the day:
Wherever you are today, whatever you are doing, you will come into contact with another woman.
SO.
When you see her, instead of measuring her up or comparing yourself to her, do this:
Look into her eyes and see that she is a truly beautiful human being.
See that she has suffered, borne a heavy burden.
See that she has rejoiced and danced and celebrated.
See that she has sacrificed.
See that she loves deeply.
See that she is broken and hurting just like you.
See God peering back at you from within her eyes.

KNOW that her unique and powerful beauty does not diminish your own.

And then:
Appreciate her in whatever way is most appropriate, whether it is a smile, a kind word, a compliment, a wave, a hug-
We need to love ourselves, we need to love each other.

We cannot allow our hearts to be filled with bitterness and insecurity towards others and ourselves- no, no, no...there is no room for that!

We are free! We are free to love. Ourselves, other women, the whole world. Let us be so filled with the wonder of the beauty of our Beloved and his love for us that all we can do is dance and live in celebration- revealing our truly beautiful hearts that have the power to reveal God's own heart and aide in the healing of others'.

Crazy storm, huh?

Ususally the rainy season depresses me. It's cyclical. But for some reason this year i have been appreciating the storm....both literally and metaphorically, i guess. Hmmm.
It has been a burst of creativity lately- and i am so thankful for it.

...more later.

on Soaring...

when a bird takes flight
her only limits are
the unreachable
unfathomable
corners of the Sky-

and yet
in the freedom of flight
she never forgets
her nest,
its whereabouts
the warmth waiting for her there
in her sanctuary,
stronghold.

this is how i love. this is who i am.
i cannot be anything or anyone else.
the phone is burning a hole in my pocket
in my purse
in my hand.
so many questions knotted up inside of me.
I need to be Unraveled gently, love the questions themselves-
without grasping.
sometimes i feel like i am on the edge of some great revelation...sometimes more just like i'm falling apart.
but thats okay too.
goodnight and peace.

The Weight of Glory

"There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.

Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations- these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit- immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously- no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner- no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment."

-C.S. Lewis

This book is really beautiful. Lewis defines "Glory" and explores our desire for it. So many beautiful and thought-provoking quotes i would like to share.....just go out and get it and read it yourself!! :)

Exactly.

"With reckless abandon I leap into His arms trusting His good and perfect will."

Exactly.

Beginnings and Endings

Why do we have two separate words for an idea or concept that is the same, inseparable? I wonder at the power of language- maybe things wouldn't seem so disjointed if we didn't perceive them that way, if our language didn't reflect that.
Hmm, (shrug) interesting.
So.
These past couple of weeks have been full of... Bendings, shall we call them? (i think that actually might be pretty close to a more accurate term).
Learning again, to trust in God's goodness and provision. Understanding and trusting in the love of my Father, my Abba.

and with all that in mind, still comes the definitive statement:

Cars suck.

There is just no getting around it, really. It was kind of ironic because i had been talking so much about wanting a car-free existence and then it landed in my lap. Ha!
i wasn't entirely ready for it...Need to keep the income flowing for awhile first.
And therein lies the lesson-
I spent the last two years of my life constantly scheming- frantic with worry about how i was going to make rent, where i was going to work, where i would be living the next month, how it would all work out. I made myself sick, i really did.

Which brings me to Today and Trust. Everything i was able to eke out for myself completely fell apart, was disastrous and unhealthy. When i finally reached the end of my rope, fell on my face, and asked for help- God was SO faithful to provide for me. He seemed to be saying, "Little Beloved, why didn't you ask earlier? I've been here waiting for you to ask." In the words of my youngest charge (and friend)- "Silly Rachell."
Silly indeed.
So now, i have decided to not worry, knowing that God will open a door, or window, or porthole, or sewer cap. My Father will take care of me according to his unfailing love. This i know is true.

You know, in the end, we really are all going to be okay. Even with all the mistakes, all the missed opportunities, all the wounds we inflict on others and ourselves, all the details that drain us, all the failed plans, dreams deferred- even with all this- We are all going to be okay. We really are.
Think about it- the issues that you obsessed over 5 years ago (three even!) the things you lost sleep over- didn't they resolve? And can't you look back now and see, wow, you made it through.
Not to say that we don't have "BIG" stuff in our lives, hardship, heartwrecks, major pains that can and sometimes do continue through the years. But if God is faithful in the small things that don't really matter,(like a car) why woudn't he be just as faithful in the big stuff too??
Today and Trust.
Today and Trust.
Also very connected words...."Do not worry about tomorrow-" that implies that we must trust that God is concerned about tomorrow and will, or has already, taken care of it.
Hmmm, (smile).
Silly Language.

solitude

this next week is going to be amazing-
time for painting
READING
writing
playing music
climbing
possibly performing.

learning and learning and learning
working on forgiveness
wanting to rid my heart
of all bitterness

freedom.
this word is a spector...
changing shape and definition
depending on the day
the space
the time
and context

my drive for intimacy has
been extended to the whole world-
and most of all
back to me
"To thine own self be true..."
who am i in you, my Beloved?
i can see you in every face i meet...
each person on the street a singular and unique
manifestation of your Creativity
your Beauty
your Dream.

...Peace to all- during the Holidays and always.

SLAM.

I want someone
to observe me
from afar
to see
my ink-stained fingers
and wonder
what brilliance
i may have written

to silently inquire
of my eyes and ears
who they have seen,
what they have heard-
to ask the curve of my lips
where they have been

i want someone
who is enthralled
before ever hearing my voice
and who is intrigued
upon the hearing of it,
i want someone to
pursue me-
to enjoy me like
a glass of red wine
like dark chocolate
a good book

i want someone
who will read me like a novel
unwrap me like a gift
and hold me
with both hands open

i want someone
whose being is not a cage
or treat
held out to lure me in
whose love is not
handcuffs
or rope
or chains.

i want someone
to see me wholly,
and want to dive in and explore-
i want someone
who wants to slip in
to the space between
soul and skin
and listen to the rhythm
of my pulse's Om

i want someone
whose whole being
vibrates with curiosity
and wonder
and awe
who doesn't let the simplicity
of beauty
pass them by-

i want someone
who wants themSelf
whose inner search
has commenced
and is the greatest adventure
they have ever known.

i want someone
who doesn't want to make me happy-
but who just wants to wander
beside me
for awhile...

i want someone
whose words are like a balm for my heart
whose smile
is like a warm fire
that my soul can curl up next to-

i want someone
who is not safe
but who is good.

i want someone
to adore me
and who in turn
can bathe in the pool of tenderness
that wells up from the deepest place
in my being
i want to love someone
more deeply
than the stars have ever known-
i want to be broken open
to have my vulnerability
spill out
and be swept up
cherished and revered.

i wrote a song for this girl once
who told me it broke her heart
when i looked at her quizzically
she said, "oh, i meant opened."

broken and open are the same thing.

i want someone
who has swam
to the bottom of life's
deepest sorrows
and found the Joy that waits there

i want someone
whose heart
is broken
and open
and 'empty
with such fullness'

i want someone with room
with time and space
and no place to be
who's content
just to sit
and breathe.

Connect and Create!

the connections have been crazy lately.
people from the past, close friends coming home from school, meeting all kinds of new people through friends. good, good stuff.
i feel like i am finally coming home to me.
feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin.
went to a different gathering on sunday morning and was moved...very beautiful hearts, a truly humble body wanting only to glorify God.
there was a woman who sang with her face upturned and i swear you could see God's love glowing in her face...so earnest, very beautiful.
Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as i am,
Empty handed, but alive in your hands.

Been frequenting this poetry slam in berkeley of late...so inspiring!! i love pure self expression, it is so powerful.
Yum.

Ring of Fire.

i don't think i can read your blog.
i will want to dialogue, to pick your brain
and understand your heart.

funny, your blog is where i used to go
to try to get an inkling of what was going on in there...
a messenger between us
putting voice to the unspoken words
of connection
that weren't ever audibly communicated.

why didn't you tell me earlier??

the last i heard
my thighs were too large
and you were very concerned i might try to take charge
take over
and steer your dreamboat in a
different direction
(ok, i realize this is not entirely fair
but it's how i felt at one point.)

and then...? wonderful? greatest mystery of life?
the switch has been flipped again.
you called me captivating and lovely today-
why did you wait?
why did you wait until my heart had packed her bags and left?
starving for the words of adoration
that would keep her plump and healthy,
that would keep her home.

instead, she's off to roam
to find more of her Self, maybe...
and it's all for the best i guess-

just wish she didn't have to rip herself at the seams
to seperate herself from you.

Grace

Tookie Williams, may God hold you in his arms tonight.
May peace be yours.

A Dancing Heart...

I have lived on the lip
of insanity, wanting to know reasons,
knocking on a door. It opens.
I've been knocking from the inside!...

Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you're perfectly free.

-Rumi

As the worries, excitements, joys, sorrows, pain, and elation wash over me i sit very still. I can feel their movements around me, surrounding me, in me, through me. I grope for nothing, grasp nothing in my hands or heart. I honor each emotion simply because it is. I do not force, i do not resist. Breathe, breathe. i can feel some rhythm arising in me. It is quiet and steady, constant, welcoming, and warm.
My heart is dancing. She is free. Because she knows what my head cannot, will not:
Life is full. Beauty is the simultaneous existence of the greatest sorrow and deepest joy. To live mindfully is divinity manifested.
I've been searching for home, i have found it to be an elusive ideal, trying so hard to track it down. I've had this inner struggle, is home something we create by being? Arranging things, situations and people around us in such a way? Or Is it something we have to cultivate within ourselves?

My heart smiles, she's been waiting patiently for me to catch up. Curvacious and supple, i watch her naked silhouette as she leaps up to show me the way. She knows where home is: i watch her, she's running ahead of me, looking back to see if i'm following, to see if i am captivated. I am, and i watch as she slows her run to a walk, and with deliberate movement, confident and graceful, she steps in and curls up to the space where the very breath of God breathes in me.
She snuggles in close, like a child in wonder, in adoration. Like a lover, fully known, vulnerable, real and purely her Self. In the holy moment, she has lost herself, almost forgotten i was there- following behind, waiting. When she senses my presence, she opens her eyes slowly and looks at me warmly. She doesn't say a word, but the warmth and depth hidden in her large green eyes invites me in and says, "Didn't you know? The Divine One dwells within you- you are God's Creativity, her Compassion, his True Expression- our Beloved will never leave you- for he cannot! He is intricately woven into every fiber of your being."

Rest, dear heart, you are home.

settle, settle, leave restlessness behind...?

What will bring me home?
What will make me stay, stay?
What will bring me home?
What will make me stay, stay?

...well, i don't know-

French Toast and Cigarettes.

its been a weekend full of nerves, laughs, heartbreak, joy, internalizing, and release. The sorrows and joys of life are so intricately intertwined- at times so extreme and yet occuring simoultaneously.
Love is elusive. My heart is aching- pulled in so many different directions.
i've held it together all day, now i am feeling a big cry coming on.
how do i hold all these things in balance?
the past year of my life has been quite the adventure....rollercoaster might be a more appropriate term.
Who am i? The sum of my experiences?
I am craving conversation unhindered by attraction or repulsion...simple friendship, without terms or conditions. I know a few, but they are out of reach...a phone call or plane ride away.
So instead, i stew and fight back tears.

I am tired of feeling this way.

Cyclical- i'm always depressed this time of year. But it feels like the past year was full of so many sorrows- deaths, breakups, seperation, self-deceptions, alienation, rejections- it feels like i haven't had a break in a long time.

[....then i hear a quiet whisper in my ear, the voice of God in my heart...
he says, "Dear Sweet Child, don't you think i know about a broken heart?"]

oh yeah.
still a vacation from aching would be nice.

quote

Who I am is what I have to give. Quite simply, I must remember that's enough.

Esperanza.

Another Merc article that i neglected to mention earlier, told the story of a 17 year old boy (a Bellerman student!) who is repairing old bikes for the homeless, jobless, carless.
How encouraging.
This 17 year old kid is giving those who would otherwise have no way to get to work or a job interview. He is giving them a free mode of transportation and the chance to get back on their feet. He is meeting their need. What mercy, what a blessed gift this must be for those who are receiving it.
There are people in the world who are loving, who are working for good.

another thought on my earlier blog...
I didn't explain who the anawim are...it is a Jewish understanding- the term anawim refers to all those who are marginalized by society, those that the world does not seem to care about. The "unclean." The oppressed, the suffering.

The people that Jesus ministered to, spent his time with, healed.

Thich Nhat Hanh, wrote, "When you understand, you cannot help but love. You cannot get angry. To develop understanding, you have to practice looking at all living beings with the eyes of compassion. When you understand, you love. And when you love, you naturally act in a way that can relieve the suffering of people."

Who are the anawim today? Generally speaking, what is the church's reponse to them?
Seeing the beauty in everyone, regarding each and every individual in the light of who God is and how much he loves them...this requires much Compassion.
Was there anyone that Jesus did not extend his Compassion to?

Morning reflections.

Tuesday am...sitting in the cafeteria reading the SJ mercury news. Depressed and aching at all the sorrow in the world.
A two year old killed by a train.
A man, nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize four times while on death row, now begging for clemency from 'the Terminator.'
Iraq.
Corrupt and deceitful politicians who will never see a battlefield themselves. Completely detached and distant from the depth of pain and astounding levels of human suffering.
Did you know that whales and dolphins, some of God's most beautiful and peaceful creatures, are dying from the amount of noise pollution being emitted in the oceans from our military and oil exploits???
So much sorrow.
Like a sponge, i soak it up-and just feel it for awhile...for it seems like so few do.

We are killing whales and dolphins with the sounds of our hatred.

Destruction begets destruction, and i am weeping. God, your heart must be breaking.
I look up from where i am sitting and see a bunch of posters lining the windows, advertising events and clubs and such. I see one that is announcing the screening of the movie, "Saved" and then i see that it is being put on by the GSA (gay-straight alliance) of Chabot.
Gaaahhh! How my heart aches within me- Jesus what have we done to your church??? How we are failing the world around us!! There is such desperate need for restoration. For Christians to remember (or learn in the first place) what the HECK you are (and were) about.
The anawim of today's society are the very people that Christians exclude and try to shame.

God is in the piss and dung. -J.D. Salinger

God is in the Castro.
God is in the drug house, the prostitution ring, the porn studio. God is in the tax collector's office, the Magdalena's quarters. He is in every place that is uncomfortable, scary, and putrid. Every place that no "God-fearing" Christian would go.
When you see the homeless man on the street, so filthy that his skin is stained black, do you look into his eyes and see the most beautiful, valuable, PRECIOUS person to the heart of God??
What about the prostitute?
What about the flamboyant gay man?
What about the butch lesbian?
What about the hustler? The beggar? The addict?
Do we recognize the beauty in everyone? Do we see that God is madly in love with each and every person we encounter??

ARGH!!!!!!!
...so there's that.

new.

some people carry baggage on their backs for so long
that the straps meld into their skin,
well i've never carried anything for too long-
my baggage is within.

this heart has been broken too many times
i don't know if she can love again
I said this heart has been broken too many times
I don't know if she can begin

then i hear a whisper in my ear
the voice of God in my heart, He says
Dear Child, don't you think I know
about a broken heart?

Jesus laid his heart out for all to see-
and we crucified him on a cross.
and still his invitation calls to you and me-
Come and rest here in My arms,
Come and rest here in My arms.

everyday is a heart break for God
as we flee from His Son
yes everyday we break the heart of God
as we reject His love

and so i know now that when i pray
GOD, PLEASE TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY
He sits right down beside me
takes my hand and says,
Dear little one, I understand.
I understand.

and so i'll pour my heart out
with every breath i take-
Jesus, if You want my broken heart
that's a sacrifice i'll make
cause Your heart is breaking everyday,
Your heart is breaking everyday.

i heard a whisper in my ear
the voice of God in my heart, he said
Dear Sweet Child, don't you think I know
about a broken heart?
Come and rest here in my arms.
Come and rest here in my arms.

Sunday Yum

I am electric with connection
alive from the friction of interaction
-(iron and iron sharpen one another)-
fellowship and gathering
have truly blessed me today.

The body of Christ is beautiful.

God's spirit moved me this morning, woke me up to remind me who He is, who i am, what an amazing adventure he is continually inviting me to.
Living, breathing, being the Kingdom as He reveals more and more of his beauty. Our God is a jealous God, a jealous bridegroom....he wants our whole hearts!

in my reading this morning i stumbled into Jeremiah, where it talks about Israel and Judah as sisters. Israel is faithless and will return to God in repentance, while Judah is called "treacherous" for returning to God in deception--not wholeheartedly. Wow. I cannot say without much ache that i have been a treacherous woman in the past. Again and again i fear. The grace of God is beyond my comprehension- Jeremiah 3:22 says,

"Return, O faithless sons and daughters,
I will heal your faithlessness."

Mmm. How this speaks to my heart. I look back at all my periods of faithlessness, at all the dark deeds that occurred there (which grieve me) and i try to see the motivation lying underneath....why would i leave such loving arms for such empty wretchedness???

My wounds.
An utter sense of worthlessness that ate at me, constantly keeping me from the love that God was offering. I left what i did not fully understand and could not accept to be true.

This made me think about God's heart. Whenever i see someone i know suffering (emotionally, mentally) in their lives and i can see that they could be free from the pain--I ache for them. There is this yearning within me (this deep-gut-wrenching-heart-pulling yearning) to comfort them, to hold them, to simply envelop them in love--this is the heart of God, i think. He aches for us in our pain, calls to us softly-"Let me hold you, let me love you. Let me heal you."

Starting a new book, friend recommendation, "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. The subtitle is "Nonreligious thoughts on Christian Spirituality". Yum. All i know about him is that he comes with a high recommendation from a dear and respected friend... and he wants to marry Ani Difranco. I think i'm going to like this guy. :) Check out the author's note before the book begins:

"I never liked Jazz music because Jazz music doesn't resolve. But i was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when i saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never once opened his eyes.
After that i liked Jazz music.
Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.
I used to not like God because God didn't resolve. But that was before any of this happened."

Vulnerable.

This past week has been a hard one.
Struggling with my overextended existence (5 more weeks, 5 more weeks...) my heart felt hard and ugly and oozing out onto others. fell in some areas i had felt long dealt with...humbling, so humbling. A brokenness that settles in my heart....revealing my heart means vulnerability and a constant trust that Jesus will be there to hold me in my brokenness, that everything will be alright.
i have been thinking about the woman who lathered perfume on Jesus' feet and washed them with her hair. and about 'the one who has been forgiven much, loves much.'
how can i EVER lose sight of my brokenness? my incapability to love, to live, to even breathe apart from my Beloved one??
A few months ago i threw a ring into the ocean, tied to it all the things i had pursued for my self- each was represented by a strand of seagrass or seaweed. This act was so powerful for me, this week i was reminded of that time, space. Such a broken spirit...wherever and whatever you have for me God, lead me and i will follow. This is the cry of my heart.
apart from you Abba, i have nothing, i am nothing, i can do nothing.
Your mercy is the air i breathe.
I do not resist the lesson, i will wait for you and your overwhelming Goodness.
i will rest in the perfection of your love.

At Last...

man...Etta James can sang.

restoration.

new levels of

intimacy
brokenness
understanding.

Aren't three-year-olds amazing?

A path has been revealed and now i must move...
take the initiative and do what is needed to get there. Not to mention all that is apparent in my daily doings that i need to stay on top of. Loading myself up with a full plate, which i am a little concerned about....A month, a month to put into practice all the discipline i am learning and so desperately need.
A time of growth, self discovery and expression.
I am working on two new songs....with one and a half also in the works...where is all this inspiration coming from?? sometimes writing a song is like trying to squeeze water from a stone, and yet lately my guitar and pen can't keep up! beautiful, inspiring, estatic. i am so thankful to have this outlet, avenue of self-expression. lately when i've been playing, i can't tell where my guitar stops and where i begin. Yum.

all this inner work, (while amazing and much needed) and i am beginning to feel a bit disconnected from the world at large. i cannot even begin to fathom the devastation that so many are experiencing from all the recent natural disasters. (what is going on??)
i've been trying to stay away from the political arena of late....to preserve my sanity more than anything...but i'm interested to see the outcome of the coming indictment. exposure? justice? we shall see.

hmmm, anyway.
off to bed...early morning swim, some espanol, three red-headed crazies (whom i adore), and some connection with wise women to wrap it all up. Yum, yum.

G'night.

ponderings.

what am i doing with my life?
too large a question. too heavy a response.
instead,
what am i doing right now?
where does God have me right now?
who can i serve here and how?
i fear that these questions (and answers) get lost in the daily frustrated questioning of where i am going and what i am doing. I need to remember to be in my day, in every moment searching for a way to love those around me, conspiring for good, meeting the needs of others.

what does a true heart of humility look like?

Yum.

such a beautiful morning
the company
the Creation
the shared work, a common goal
the radio
the food and warmth
Simplicity
Your Presence pervades it all...
how beautiful you are my Beloved
how tender and kind-
what blessings you pour out upon us
to be here
to be together.

kirkwood...

day of working hard, an AMAZING meal, now good conversation, laughs, hot shower, and bed!
i love it.
my hands are calloused and dry and my heart is quiet within me. what a beautiful place.
i've been craving work with my hands....this weekend was timely, and has been a blessing to my soul. I was feeling a bit sorrowful and confused last night and was pining for my guitar. Instead, i sat in a car and prayed. Honest and open, simply worded from the heart. Afterwards i felt lighter, relieved, calm, and peaceful- resting in the love of my Abba.
It made me think, what do i run to for comfort instead of praying, meditating, and connecting with God? Not that my guitar doesn't serve that in many ways, but sometimes i think in expressing the emotions within me (on guitar) i tend to dwell in them, and never reach a peaceful state, a resolution of some kind. Which i think is valid, too.
Anyway- time to go. Love to all, and peace.

Comments...

hey
you all can comment now...figured out how to change the setting.
and when i say "you all" i mean all two of you.
dave, this means you.
paz,
rach

recoiling at the sight of myself from the inside-outside-in

ani's raging guitar is washing over me
with just a hint of sorrow
the rhythm rising around me
and i slip in between chord changes
and lean against the notes
thumbs resting on the lips
of my front pockets,
elbows bent
with corners intent
on stoic solitude.
not sure if i am
slipping into
my tough girl act
or just acknowledging
old callouses,
like a rough heel
thickskinned and worn-
dry
cracked
and peeling in places.
so self-contained.
i wear my wounds like a badge tonight
look what i came through,
see?
i'm strong too.
strong
and roughly feminine
borderline
neither here nor there
just try to tie me down
i dare
you.

and somewhere soft
within me
recoils
at this vision,
i can see her
smiling sweetly
just waiting
for this tough girl
to clean up her act
to let go
and laugh
at herself
at the thought that stone
cannot be penetrated
that marble will not crumble
that walls built do anything more
than keep
her enclosed
in her loneliness.

ani lyrics...

you keep telling me i' m beautiful
but i feel a little less so each time
your love is so colorful
it flashes like a neon sign
but i finally drove out where
the sky is dark enough to see stars
and i found i missed no one
just listening to the swishing of distant cars

i was floating above myself
watching her do just what you wanted
poor little friendly ghost
wondering why her whole house feels haunted
i told myself i was strong enough
that i had plenty of blood to give
and each elbow cradled a needle
but listless and faint ain't no way to live

so i hope i never see
the ocean again
pushing and pulling at me
as i go deeper and deeper in
til i'm so far from my shore
so far from what i came here for
i let you surround me
i let you drown me
out with your din
and then i learned how to
swim

so there's that.

aching
aching
the earth is quaking tonight
with labor pains
and my heart is slowly
turning away

she's upset with me
for the rollercoaster
i've stuck her on
i'm feeling foolish
and tired-
aching
aching

ending and beginnings
have blurred together
so painfully
maybe i've stretched myself to thin
maybe i've loved too soon again
always a mess, this
part of my life
and maybe it's just tonight
but my heart is seeping
shaking
steeping
waiting
quietly raging
crying and
breaking

with this
aching
aching.

¡Tranquila, Corazon!

the

cravings

are

killing

me.

but i fight
deny
flee
everything
that is obscuring my vision
("be Thou my vision....")
oh God please deliver me.

things always overwhelm
at night
alone
in an empty house
(again)

do i flee this too?
these situations that i am so unhappy in?
or do i stay, and struggle
with the hope of learning and growing
into something more
something less

desperate for you my Abba
please lead me
illuminate my path
what do you have for me?
silence?
solitude?
whatever i have, whatever i am
all yours
i count them as nothing
take me o God-
Father your will be done...
my will is a path of sorrow
and ennui
i reject old ways of being
Jesus thank you for inviting me
to new-ness

Que quiere senor?
tiene mi corazon, mi alma, mi vida-
son suyos.
todo daria, no importaria-
por un instante en su presencia.
ayudame senor
carinarme, con su corazon tierno
porque-
mi corazon me duele mucho.
algunas veces no puedo
respirar por el dolor.
pero, ya sabe.
sabe todo, mucho mas que yo.
por eso, senor, gracias.

oh my Sweet One,
you are too beautiful
for words
too holy for these eyes
"i repent in dust and ashes"
break me til i'm only yours.

Love is a Verb.

swam today....felt great!
life is so much easier (and fuller) when we stop resisting the lessons and instead have an available, teachable heart.
obedience to our Beloved brings so much joy!!

the music benefit i was a part of this weekend was amazing. So many people coming together to give their time, gifts, talent, money to help others. very beautiful, very inspiring. $1000 dollars was raised to help those suffering from the effects of the hurricanes.

while there, a friend of mine inadvertently taught me a huge lesson, unknowingly served as a very humbling reminder. i was sitting in the sanctuary (main room) of the building with some friends and a man came in and wanted to talk to my friend and i. we had been sitting near to the end of a pew, and this man came and squatted on the floor at the end of it, putting his face slightly below ours. He was tall and kind of scraggly looking, i had seen him earlier, standing by himself in a room full of people. As he began to speak it became more and more clear that he just needed to tell his story, needed someone to listen to him.
As this man begins to share his life with my friend, i am mentally disconnecting. Thinking, 'this guy is going to talk forever', 'how socially awkward', terrible things like that. Terrible, but a natural response for a lot of people i think. As the conversation progressed, my friend stood up. I had no idea what he was doing- was he going to leave mid-conversation? was he attempting to make a tactful escape? no, my friend stood up and kneeled down on the floor next to the man, on the same level, and continued to listen from this position.
my friend, Earl, is blind and yet he was able to see this person so much more clearly than i was. Earl saw this man's need, his hurt, and listened with genuine interest and compassion- he invited this man to share more of himself, and he commented with such wisdom and grace.
What generosity of spirit, incarnate tenderness! Earl thought nothing of time, of appearance, of social rules or norms, he simply loved this man. Offered what was needed, his time, his ears!, a compassionate heart.
How beautiful, and how humbling. I was too caught up in my self, i would have missed this. While Earl was on the floor with this man, i just looked at him, tears streaming down my face. What a beautiful God we serve, and how beautiful his creation when we reflect his light.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and angels , but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." (1Cor. 13:1-3)

Oh Jesus,
i want to be your heart- beating for those who are lost, speaking to their pain, bringing healing words of kindness, listening with compassion and grace. You are a wonderful Healer, your heart is so tender and your beauty is so powerful.
"Todo daria, no importaria-"...mi corazon late por ti.