People who talk about immigrants with such disdain make me sick to my stomach. There is a sense of entitlement and arrogance that is unbelievable. What ever gave us the notion that because we were born in the richest country in the world that we deserve or have more rights than any other human being??
Come back and talk to me when you have had the experience of not being able to feed your children.
pieces of my life
flit and float
drifting through my head
different shades
and colors
like the fall's left-over leaves
that have gathered together
in piles
to keep out the cold
and loneliness.
i wonder if they miss the tree.
feeling a little conflicted tonight.
is seeking your own happiness a selfish endeavor?
so as i was uploading those photos the program i was using decided to close. twice. i threw up my hands in frustration and walked away from the computer to avoid doing the violent damage to it that i was so tempted to do. ugh. anyway-
another try soon. :)
cooked dinner tonight! new and exciting things that i am learning. (grin)
Tommy's stepdad is an amazing cook and he has decided to take me under his wing while i am here. My dear friend Natalie is coming to visit us on Friday. i will be very happy to see her! it's been too long.
my time is coming to a close here in New Mexico. which makes me sad. really, really sad. but it is a bittersweet thing- i will be headed back to California soon to see famiy and friends. whom i miss very much.
can't wait to see the Mon Cafe crew as well! ....hopefully i have a job! haha.
oh. and Mom, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. i am sorry that i am not there to celebrate with you. i love you always.
i am sitting in a coffee shop
with a warm mug to my left,
there is a man improving on some jazz tune
at the piano in front of me.
the sun is shining in through the windows
in that beautiful autumn way that it does,
and it has just started to snow.
can life be any more beautiful than this?
We just got back from Oklahoma last night. Some highlights...
First time in both Texas and Oklahoma.
While driving through Texas we saw an enormous monument on the side of the freeway. It was a a huge white cross, and at the base were statues of armed soldiers carrying their own crosses. YIKES. i mean, really. i couldn't believe it.
Eating Indian "fry-bread" for the first time. yum.
Listening to mixed CDs with James Brown, Otis Redding, Taj Mahal, and Bob Dylan.
The purpose of our trip was to honor and celebrate the life of my loved one's Uncle who passed away. I participated in a traditional Cheyenne meeting, which was more beautiful than i can begin to describe. Such a beautiful way of worshipping God. We prayed all night for the family, each other, and ourselves. It resonated with me more deeply than any church service has in a long time. So much healing happening.
I am so grateful for my time here and everything that i am learning.
I have two more weeks here and then i will be back in the bay area to see family and friends. Missing you all and sending you my deepest love-
it is getting ready to snoOow- (said in sing-song voice).
very exciting.
and (see title).
in stillness
i hear all the subtle movements around me.
God whispering
in the raspy dancing of leaves
the sweet singing
of a wooden wind chime
and the deep hum
of the earth.
I am
I am
I am
in quiet
i find my rest.
my God
i will sit in silence and wait.
i will be here
be present
and Alive
giving thanks for every moment
and every space
i find myself in.
As i write this the sound of a drum and rattle are pulsating through the house, accompanied by the sound of voices singing in an ancient language.
it is so beautiful and foreign and familiar. the beat of the drum-- the steady rhythm is grounding and resonates somewhere deep within me.
Voices praising God.
i witness the handiwork of God this night- the broken bits of families coming together in hope and forgiveness and love. Truly beautiful.
I am thankful.
alone.
within myself,
in this,
my place in the world.
i hold hands with my loneliness
and make peace with him.
i am learning
to be alone
and what better place than this-
Taos.
where the surrounding mountains
make you feel small
and the air so cold this time of year
that you want to turn
inside yourself
to keep warm.
desolate beauty
-i am-
learning
all the lessons i have avoided
in my life.
and i can't blame anyone
can't shake my fists
and beg
plead for another
answer.
it is this
i am
and Now
alone.
inside myself
i dig deeply-
because if it isn't here,
it won't be found.
Still feeling a bit disoriented. Time, day, location- that sort of thing. But it is also deeper reaching than that.
This morning i have the house to myself, well almost. Jack and Vinny, the cats, are keeping me company. it is very peaceful, nice time for recuperation and reflection. the only thing that worries my mind a bit is the beginning of a crack beneath the neck of my guitar.
damn airline.
or maybe it was the climate change. my poor baby...she's been through a lot with me on this trip.
looking forward to playing some coffeeshops here. i went to one yesterday that was SO incredibly cool. (cool??? what kind of adjective is that?!? i think maybe my english vocab has diminshed a bit...i am currently speaking an interesting blend of ingles y espanol).
spoke to my family on the phone last night- it was so good to hear their voices...so good to speak in spanish with them. made me a little homesick for Mexicali.
i am VERY excited about Thanksgiving. i didn't even remember that it was happening until i reached the states and Jenelle mentioned it. I asked her, "oh yeah....when IS that?" "Thursday." "YESSSSSSSSSSSSS." i have to admit that Thanksgiving is probably my all time favorite holiday. Eating, rejoicing together, talking, praying, laughing, eating, eating, eating....
yum.
New Mexico is interesting- i've never seen terrain quite like it. VERY different than california. Very different than anywhere i've been actually. Beautiful. There is no snow yet, but it is FREEZING at night. During the day it is just cold enough for the tip of your nose to hurt a bit, and your cheeks to sting. But actually, i have been enjoying bundling up. there is something very comfortable about layers of warmth. kind of like walking around in bed all day long.
most of the buildings here are made of adobe. which i LOVE. it's grainy and warm feeling- there are no hard lines or exact 90 degree angles- very comforting. everything is rounded and feels softer and more natural. less harsh.
i think i have come to the conclusion that the "city life" is not for me. i need dirt and green and a slower pace. and while i do love to spend time in a large metropolis...the buzz, the hum, the energy- it is not a good place for me to live for too long. it kind of drains me. being closer to the natural energizes me- i connect with God so naturally, easily, beautifully through Her creation. His pulse is almost tangible here.
on my journey from SD to NM there was major issues at the airport and my flights had to be redirected, rebooked, and the like. i was waiting on standby for most of the day. surprisingly, i wasn't frustrated much at all, or worried. i just waited. my trip has taught me so much about that.
because of all the rebooking and waiting i got to meet some very interesting people- Keith, who was headed to Idaho to visit family for the holidays. i played my guitar for him, and we began to talk about Grace and God and the American Church and where we have missed it. We talked openly and personally for about 2 hours.
Then i met Steve and his "mate" (forgive me friend my memory has misplaced your name)- two wonderful Aussies who were traveling to NM to visit old friends. They were great. :) reminded me of my dear friend Androo, another crazy Aussie man whom i love dearly! Steve said "Shockah!" and "Good Work!" and i thought of my dear Andrick. Beautiful connections in LAX. If i ever want to travel to Melbourne, Australia, i now have a place to stay.
Sending my love to all those in the States that i have not seen for so long! My love to all of you- i think about you all tons and tons.
For those of the praying persuasion- pray for my health- lots of little things, nothing life threatening.
Again, my deepest love to all of you.
things i am learning...
this moment is all i have.
God is all i have.
and for these reasons i do not fret myself with things i could not possibly know the answer to or outcome of.
i rest in this day because it is all i know and all i have.
because of this... moments stretch out before me for what seems like eternity. i savor each one.
This Life is so beautiful.
Vive. Disfruta. Espera.
(written while en Mexico...)
the air is cool and humid
the night is fresca
humming
and pulsing
with the energy
of all us together
in the same house
laughing
i walk barefoot
and wriggle my toes
in the dust
as if i could soak it
all up-
and set down
roots
grow out of the tierra
here
en el pais de mi corazon
la familia de mi ser
with dirty feet
i walk to the room
which has become mine
shouting and laughing
mis hermanos
are stumbling and bumping
into each other
laughter wracks the room
and we are all sprawled out-
Lupita is wheezing
Tannya with tears streaming
down her face
Alan giggling
and i am on the floor
face pressed into the tiles
voy a extranarlos
mas que puedo espresar.
the cricket on my pillow
waits to sing
me to sleep
but Pita and i are
talking until the
small hours of the day
again
and i am enamored-
enamorada,
with everything around me.
I am in San Diego.
I feel out of place, alien.
I miss the sounds, the smells, the sights and people of Mexico.
Wondering what God has for me in New Mexico.
so much has happened, i feel like i don't even know where to begin. i talked to my dad on the phone today....it was the best conversation we've ever had.
what is happening in my life???
pictures to share and video too....coming soon.
love to all. keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
We are going to Ensenada for the weekend!! Very exciting. Lupita, Javi, Arturo, Sochi, Carina, and i are piling into a van and headed out tonight.... stars, friends, and guitars and singing around a fire...on the beach!! what more could a girl ask for??
that is one of my favorite things in the whole world. i am so blessed to be here, this moment.
i don't know what to think tonight
but i think that maybe thats alright
i don't know which path to take
or if they're all one and the same-
and i
have two loves, i have two lives
two parts of the same being
that don't seem to collide-
don't seem to reconcile...
And i am hanging by a thread
from everything i've ever KNOWN
and i am holding on as tightly as i can-
WITH OPEN HANDS.
i walk these streets unpaved and dusty
i see the people struggling just to survive-
how is it that i have learned of abundance and generosity
in the poorest place i've ever lived?
and how it is it that we have so much
and yet so little to give??
and i
have two lives, two different worlds
though only a border apart-
they don't seem to collide
don't seem to reconcile...
And i am hanging by a thread
from everything i've ever WANTED
and i am holding on as tightly as i can-
WITH OPEN HANDS.
i am learning every day not to expect
but to accept and love whatever comes my way,
and i know that when i leave this place
i will never be the same-
something is changing, something's shifted
and i see the world as never before...
and i
i have two eyes, i have two hands
one corazon and one path ahead-
how will my life collide?
how will it reconcile?
And i am hanging by a thread
from everything i've ever BEEN
and i am holding on as tightly as i can-
WITH OPEN HANDS,
with open hands,
WITH OPEN HANDS.
i love this place
the tierra
beneath my feet
that creeps under doors and into everything.
i love the sounds
the whistles, the laughter
the loud music with bass blaring
shaking the streets
and the windows in their panes
"heeey--lupe!"
"mamacita!"
and all the shouting of the school kids
as they walk home in the
afternoon sun
i love the various stinks and smells
of this place
the burning trash
the aroma of comida tan sabrosa
being cooked by loving hands
their smells wafting out into the street
and making my mouth
water
i love the children
beautiful and brown
with laughing eyes
and sometimes scowls
their skin delicious shades of
caramel
chocolate
and coffee.
i wish i could embrace them forever
dry all their tears
and make them laugh all day long.
sing them to sleep at night.
my family-
laughing and joking,
hitting and playing
praying together for providence
and mercy
for kindness and strength.
sitting up late nights and talking
about Life.
about everything.
imagine the best conversations of your life-
the most meaningful, the most touching,
all the time.
all the time.
i love this place.
and the people.
and the vividness of it all.
i feel like i am home.
Estoy aqui en Mexicali- y tan feliz!!! Estoy muy feliz estar con mi familia!! Tengo dos hermanas y un hermanito...que bonito el! Le adoro muchisisimo!!!
I am doing very well. Went a little overboard on my first night (last night) with eating-- comi mucho!!! some friends and i went to "La Fiesta del Sol" and i had mangoes con chile, churros, tacos de carne asada y today i ate pozole for lunch....going back home soon for pastel (homemade chocolate cake!!!!!!) yum!
Life here is so beautiful, such a different pace of living. Family is so important. I LOVE IT! So many beautiful friendships to come i can feel it, i will be very sad when i have to leave them again....but for now i am soaking it up with every fiber of my being!!
this place is a part of me.
I made it here, safe and sound. So happy to be surrounded by the language, the food, sounds, smells, people.
Can't write too much tonight....more tomorrow or monday.
My love to all!!
Hello All! I am in San Diego with my good friend, Jenelle. We are off to bed soon...i will spend tomorrow here, most likely at the beach (GRIN.) and then off to Mexico with me on Saturday. i can't wait to see my family!
sad saying goodbye to everyone back home....i am blessed with such incredibly wonderful people in my life.
Ariel, if you are reading this, you are so dear to me. I love you.
My love to all--keep me in thought and prayer as i am off to Mexico soon....
"If it wasn't the war, they would have found some other excuse. They have ambitions- (pause for effect, snicker)...they kill, in order to achieve their objectives."
...wait a minute.
does it seem to be getting worse to anyone else out there? the hypocracy of the American government, this administration in particular, has reached a new level of ludicracy. to deny that the pre-emptive war in Iraq is NOT a direct cause of increased terrorism in the world- is, is...ridiculous! not to mention that a declassified U.S. Intelligence Report, (Bush's own frickin' Intelligence!!!!!!!) says that it is!!
ugh.
groan.
a quote, from the report, via BBC News:
"We assess that the Iraq jihad is shaping a new generation of terrorist leaders and operatives; perceived jihadist success there would inspire more fighters to continue the struggle elsewhere.
The Iraq conflict has become the "cause celebre" for jihadists, breeding a deep resentment of US involvement in the Muslim world and cultivating supporters for the global jihadist movement."
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. didn't Einstein say that??
sorry to unload my rant upon you all, but i had the news on and heard Bush speaking- contradicting the report from his own government's Intelligence, and i just couldn't swallow it today.
had typed up this whole blog- beautifully, if i do say so myself. and something went terribly wrong with this archaic computer, and it has been lost forever. i will try again tomorrow.
it is wicked late and i have to open...ugh.
thank the lord for lattes, caps, and good ol' cups of coffee.
buenas noches a todos... se cuidan. espero y deseo que el amor de Dios los tranquile a todos sus corazones.
...que dolor tengo en mi alma. estoy frustrada- salire en dos semanas exactamente....pero hay mucho que necesito hacer. y le extrano muchisimo.
i was gonna pour out more (in english) but some nights it is just better
to
go
to
bed.
Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt--marvellous error!--
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.
(-Antionio Machado)
What a relaxed, beautiful afternoon. Laid in bed- read, fell asleep, woke up, read some more, fell back asleep, woke up- went outside and played my guitar in the sanctuary of our backyard. It was so wonderful.
I missed out on a barbeque for a dear friend, which makes me sad, but just coming off a short illness- this was just the afternoon i needed.
hey everybody... i want to you all before i leave...ok?
Love to All-
This Saturday night my amiga, Shannon, will be playing at Mon Cafe- her music is personal, touching, and so incredibly talented. (it breaks me open). Come and hear her play!
Also...
My dear friend Earl John is going to be playing next Saturday, the 23rd, at the coffee house. I will be opening for him and there will be music, friends, and coffee galore!
Earl J. is an amazing guitarist, and his voice is just incredible. Just incredible. (I've blogged about his music before). :)
Anyway, here's the info:
Mon Cafe, 971 Manor Blvd. San Leandro 94579 (510) 895-5282
Shannon and Assorted Baristas: Saturday the 16th, 7pm at Mon Cafe
Earl John Rivard: Saturday the 23rd, 7pm at Mon Cafe
There is this beautiful scene near the end of "The Color Purple," the movie made from Alice Walker's novel, where there is a church service going on and the people out in the old-low-down-n-dirty jazz club hear the music and the woman who was singing the sultry jazz tune stops, and starts singing the lead voice of the gospel song.
She starts striding toward the church, singing at the top of her lungs- all the jazz folk following her and clapping in rhythm, rejoicing. The people of the church hear her voice before she gets to the building, the lead vocalist in the church stops singing, bewildered as to where this voice is coming from. The people of the congregation turn in their chairs, and the preacher just stops and stares as this woman bursts through the doors singing, calling out, "God is tryin' ta tell you somethin', God is tryin' ta tell you somethin', God is tryin' ta tell you somethin' right now!"
This woman was shunned by the church-folk, they didn't want to associate themselves with a woman of "her kind." Even her father, the preacher.
She sings, her face glowing, arms stretched out- calling out at the top of her lungs, tears streaming down her face past the most joyous smile. The church wouldn't open their doors to these people, this woman, so they came storming in.
Doors broken down,
the divisions between "us" and "them"- between the pious preacher and the sensual, soulful singer all crumble away.
"God is tryin' ta tell you somethin'...
God is tryin' ta tell you somethin'
God is tryin' ta tell you somethin' right now..."
You Are the ground beneath my feet,
You Are the rain
You Are the sun that rises again in my heart.
You Are the ocean's tides, constant and moving-
You Are the arms around me,
You Are the trees and the tanbark and the old swing,
You Are laughter and tears,
You Are peace.
the most intimate of tenderness
You have spoken to me,
carried me in Your arms
and rocked me to sleep on an Amtrak train.
You lay my steps before me,
You lift my head,
i breathe You.
You Are.
and i know You intimately-
the way a woman knows her lover,
the way the birds find their way home and back again.
i know You in the quiet places in my heart,
and in my joy
and in my singing.
i know You in my pain
the searing sorrow that sometimes visits me.
even there, i know You.
the Mystery unravels me and holds me tenderly-
i rest my head in Her,
my heart and my body.
this world and this Life are sacred-
i can hear Her rhythm pulsating in every living thing.
An ad for the new HP Compaq notebook, asks:
"No one wants to work 15 hours straight, but isn't it nice to know you can?"
Umm, i would say, no.
its about that time of day
when the shadows grow long
and the earth's rhythms are reminding me-
the sun, the sun must set,
for it to rise again.
the rain will fall on my head
when you board that train, on wednesday
but the earth will not stop spinning in her orbit, no
my journey is only beginning-
soon i'll be headed for the border
and myself
i've got six strings and my courage wrapped around me like a coat-
i still haven't washed
my grey sweater-
it smells of you.
and misses your warmth, i miss your warmth-
but the sun, the sun must set,
for it to rise again.
it's about that time of day
when the birds are in song
and the earth's rhythms are reminding me-
that the sun will set,
and it will rise again.
The Blanket Around Her.
maybe it is her birth
which she holds close to herself
or her death
which is just as inseperable
and the white wind
that encircles her is a part
just as the
blue sky
hanging in turquoise from her neck
oh woman
remember who you are
woman
it is the whole earth.
Me to Aurora: DO you know how CRAZY it would be to have 360 degree vision????
Aurora: giggling begins to spin in a circle.
She blames the late afternoon caffiene...i'm not sure.......
Just watched "Waking Life" with my dear friend, and it was so wonderful to see again. Each time i see it i catch different things and retain more...so incredible. (Go rent it....NOW!)
Anyway, there is this part of the movie- a conversation that happens between these two men. It is the inspiration for the title of my blog actually...The Holy Moment. Anyway it just reminded me that EVERY moment in our Life is sacred, and that EVERY moment i have blogged about here is Holy.....the moments of exuberant joy, the frustrated moments, the ones of searing pain. All Holy.
So good to Remember.
Ocean, redwoods, time with a dear friend, some Alan Watts or Joseph Campbell, honoring my grandmother's birthday...these will restore my sanity this weekend.
finally getting on the ball with things...FINALLY. feels good.
what the hell does that mean anyway, "getting on the ball"??
my stomach is throbbing
and some wretched scream aches in the place behind my sternum.
internally, i am
rocking
i am writhing
i am retching
up an empty stomach's contents-
why do i even try?
why do i let hope exist,
so small and frail,
emaciated-
yet still with light behind her eyes?
i am reduced to my
five-year old little girl self
who doesn't understand,
and who still twirls and spins
and looks to see if he is watching-
only i'm not spinning
anymore,
not dancing-
i am begging
begging for a moment's mercy
for a breath of tenderness
a crack
a fissure of kindness
in his rocky, hard places.
tonight
i am starving
i am wishing for something better-
than this,
than his cold stare and icy tone-
if a"father's love" cannot melt a heart like that-
what will???
and the burning behind my sternum
turns into a cavern
of pain.
my rib cage holds a void
that i cannot bear the weight of.
how difficult it is
not to believe your father's truths about you.
how much more worse
that your anguish is met with such cold and unmoved ferocity.
Go see "Little Miss Sunshine." It is by far one of the best movies i have seen all year. Absolutely hilarious, and yet has its touching poignant moments as well.
GO. NOW!!!
Congratulations to Kristen and Joshua and Judah on the new addition to their family!!! Welcome, Killian Elijah, to Life!
Much has happened since i last wrote. Too much to catch up on...i should really know better than to go a week without blogging. :) silly Rachell.
Went to go see my friend Earl J. play at this restuarant in Walnut Creek- he is so incredible. I am hoping to get him to play at the humble venue that is the Mon Cafe. His voice is like velvet. like a cup of hot chocolate after you've been playing outside in the snow all day. i am in love with it.
And i want to adopt his Dad. He is so wonderful to me. I thank God for encountering him in my Life, his love and acceptance is like a meal after years of starvation. Thank you Abba.
So much learning going on....i am so thankful.
I've had some really intense moments with people lately...a connection with Earl, shared tears and conversation with Nat, whom i am more and more grateful for in my Life...she is such a good friend...Laughter with my dear Aurora!!! ohmygosh...Long Live Plain Jane!!!!! Have i said too much?!? hehe maybe not enough.
it's been good to catch up with people i haven't seen, still missing others...(SHANNONCITA!?!) Hope this finds everyone well and doesn't bore anyone to death.
p.s. Have i mentioned how grateful i am for Wise Old(er) Women???
Ani's got a new album.....released today!!!!!!! new music and a bunch of spoken word tracks....
DELICIOUS.
i am so excited...why am i in front of this computer and not in line at Rasputins????
hasta.
"Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry,
the philosophy which does not laugh,
and the greatness which does not bow before children."
mmmm, yes.
i have been feeling so peaceful today. yesterday too. i had some pretty dark moments there- but now this peace has settled in my deepest place. i am so grateful.
one more quote, from my friend at the coffee shop, a wise wise woman, a holy-mad woman.
"All is gift, because All is Well."
yum.
said goodbye to my first love today- he's moving across the country for school.
it was strange, and a little sad.
endings and beginnings are intertwined so intricately.
just like joy and sorrow.
broken places
shared spaces
the distance between
sharing nothing, and everything-
simultaneously.
we shared a curb and laughed
about our newest escapades
yeah, nothing's the same
and it's all familiar-
it's all familiar
so many apologies go unspoken
they hang in the air-
could be's, what if's, should have's
do they even matter?
or do they just bind us?
or do they just bind us?
broken places
shared spaces
the distance between.
So, funny happenings yesterday with my girls...quick story. :)
Brianna (the oldest), Fiona (the youngest), and i were in the backyard playing baseball. I was pitching and Brianna was up to bat. Fiona had deemed herself ball-girl, her usual position.
Picture this: As it is a hot day, Fiona is running around in just a too long white t-shirt and her Dora underwear. Brianna and I are concerned for her well-being and so, Brianna gives Fiona her BRIGHT pink softball helmet, that is 4x too large for Fi's little head. Her delicate golden curls are sticking out from underneath and she is having to walk around with her head tilted back so that she can see out from under the helmet.
Brianna and I decided not to play a full game, but just practice hitting the ball. I pitch the first couple of balls to Brianna, who smacks them good. Fiona, summing up my general synopsis of baseball, coaches her sister, yelling, "Run in circles!"
Brianna and I crack up, and I wonder at the world, and baseball, from a four year-old's perspective. I love it.
What is wrong with me?????
i feel like i am ricocheting between health and demise, both physically and spiritually/mentally/emotionally.
i have learned so much, know what my innermost self's response would be, should be, is...and i am ignoring it as much as possible.
i am frustrated
angry
sorrowful
anxious
and a little spiteful.
yuck.
sometimes i wish i could vomit these things out like a bad corndog. or, more accurately, like a pork taco from the highly-illegal-transporting-of-meat taquiera next door! yes, like that.
i feel venomous.
and ugly.
like this lower-self/ego me is crouching in the corner hissing and abcessing and preparing to pounce.
sorry. but i thought i'd go for honesty this time around. feels better, and worse. again, my apologies- no one should feel like this let alone have to hear about it.
saying goodbye
i give you pieces of my heart.
Bai mi mekim wanUm nau?
maybe the pieces we have left with each other can be held closely.
maybe we are not broken.
maybe we are still whole.
you to your reconciliation, me to my splitting apart.
how quickly our garage became your room...i will be missing you, friend of my heart-of-hearts.
Spent the day at the beach. beautiful. this evening we have been playing with Amir, and now sadly he is going to bed. :)
listening to Ben Harper's "Have you Ever"- it is very beautiful and slightly achey.
just had a conversation with Andy about family and "home."
i think we find home in people that we love.
in God in us and in others.
Sometimes i get frustrated with blogging because i would like to say what is really on my mind, but refrain or speak in some ridiculous "code" because i know certain people may be reading. i guess that is the difference between a journal and a blog, but typing sometimes is just more comfortable. hmmm. anyway-
i am so thankful for this crossing of paths that i have had with my friends. old and new. :) it has been so wonderful.
...for you hombre arananjado.
Went to an AMAZING show last night....Andrew Chakan a.k.a. Kid Beyond who is an incredible beat boxing, song writing, humanitarian/activist/party animal. He performed along with Zoe Keating, who if you have not yet heard of is God's gift to the cello and to this earth. She is.....beyond words. She plays the cello and with the help of a loop pedal, layers herself over 16 times. It is absolutely angelic. It moves you so deeply. It has a similar effect that Sigur Ros has on me....maybe a little more so even.
My boys are still here, and just as crazy as ever....though Andy is missing his "voman." They will be leaving soon and i am sad. Their music has been filling my house and my heart-- it will be so empty when they go. Still, must leave that to the leaving and enjoy the time we still have together.
Going to Santa Cruz this weekend to visit my Natalie and introduce the boys to the California coast...i believe we will take Hwy 1 home. yum.
well, must go. love to all.
My friends are here!! Dave and Andy are visiting...i love them so much. it is the fault of our continuous shananigans that i have not been writing here. so wonderful.
crazy jam sessions until the wee hours of the morning, cooking for each other, good conversations, and laughing until i have tears streaming down my face.
it is such good timing, thank you God.
both the boys grew up in Papua New Guinea and their perspective is refreshing and affirming. Dave is teaching me "Pidgen"- the trade language in Guinea. i love it! i think i may have been born in the wrong country... haha. i feel at home with them.
in other news,
i am letting go of worries that i cling to. slowly and gently. it is a good thing. i feel like my soul is settling a bit, resting a bit more. I am so thankful that God cannot be contained by my silly anxieties.
balancing external and internal can be hard sometimes...maybe the are not the duality that they seem. hmmmm.
anybody have "hot-spots" that can't be missed while the boys are here?? they want to see more of the City....
MOMA tomorrow and then an incredible show at Slims.
good, good times.
trying hard not to let situations affect my perception of my self and my worth.
not working.
If your intentions are pure
I'm seeking a friend
for the end
of the world.
it's a long long road
it's a big big world-
we are wise, wise women
we are giggling girls...
Be my Friend-
hold me
wrap me up,
unfold me
i am small...
come breath me
the entirety of "untouchable face" by ani
he doesn't need me
he just wants me
around
sometimes songs just speak for me much better than i am able to speak for myself.
tonight i am just achey. i had a beautiful day too...i don't understand.
oh well, won't spend too much time with it tonight. sleep.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY HOONIE!!!!!
i love you so very much. you are in the deepest part of me, my sister.
hearts beating true,
we dance to our own rhythms.
i can't explain the ins and outs
and all the other
crazy directions that
our paths have taken,
but in my deepest heart
resounds this knowing,
affirmation.
rest your heart.
know that only Love abounds, and Love sets you free.
"Allow the President to invade a neighboring nation, whenever he shall deem it necessary to repel an invasion and you allow him to do so whenever he may choose to say he deems it necessary for such purpose -- and you allow him to make war at pleasure. If, today, he should choose to say he thinks it necessary to invade Canada to prevent the British from invading us, how could you stop him? You may say to him, 'I see no probability of the British invading us'; but he will say to you, 'Be silent; I see it, if you don't.' "
-Abraham Lincoln, expressing his opposition to the Mexican War in 1848.
...Dang.
I don't even know if you read this blog, but sometimes a gratitude runs so deep and expands so vastly that it must be expressed.
Thank you for talking
and for
who you are.
I've got that "I (Heart) Huckabees" song in my head...doo-dunh dadah doo-dunh...
you know the one.
i've been thinking a lot lately about how we make time for what is important to us. so, i've been thinking about what i have been spending my time on and the delicate balance i'm somehow managing to stumble along.
i'm working a lot and wondering if it is worthwhile. i want so much more time to read, write, play the guitar, enjoy and connect with those i love. but also, i need to be saving dinero to fund my time in mexico and the three months i won't be working. so maybe, this is a season of working with rest to come? then i will be coming back and changing focus. being able to devote more time to learning, loving, music and the like.
it sounds so good.
struggling with my place lately- in relationships with others.
crazy family- what is my role? what degree of distance is healthy and what is cruel? am i just avoiding the situation? am i tresspassing in co-dependency?
in other news, i have stumbled across some resentment in my heart. it grieves me and i am dancing around it, wondering what the best way is to deal with it. releasing pride, admitting vulnerability, growing in grace for others and myself.
i know deeply that i am in a time of preparation right now. i feel a growing sense of responsibilty- to be intentional and introspective in my living, in my loving.
What could possibly be more exciting than being alive??
Fiona and I laughed so hard this morning that i cried. Holy moly that child is hilarious.
she's trying to do one-arm pushups right now....HYSTERICAL. ohmegosh.
earlier she started singing the "Pink Panther" theme out of nowhere.
What the heck?! This is my job??!?
Feeling much better these days. I wrote this fantasticly funny blog about my misadventures during my illness but my parents' computer is having difficulties and somehow it was lost...SOB! alas, the world has missed out on a quite comical, slightly feverish blog. oh well. i might have just thought it was funny because my brain was mushy.
Anyway.
Had a beautiful experience on Sunday. i went to the "church without walls" in berkeley and then spent some time in good company afterwards. Matt and Rena invited me into their home for dinner. We spent time laughing and interacting with their son Noah, who is 1 and a half. Genuine, authentic conversation concerning "church", life, family, God, and relating to others in honest and vulnerable ways. it was so beautiful and i was so thankful for their warmth, hospitality, and the connection.
Connection without falsity or pretense...i felt comfortable, wholly welcome, and relieved. it was just what my soul needed.
Then yesterday, back to work at the coffee shop. i was feeling kinda down, i think it was a combo of the grey weather and some worrying i was doing. While i was working, an older woman, a regular named Gail who is "feisty" and hysterically irreverent, came in and gave me a gift- a necklace similar to the one i had commented on when she had worn it previously. Her necklace. It was incredibly thoughtful and generous. And it gave her such joy to give. I couldn't believe it.
Then later, a woman who works in the center came in and asked me if i was feeling better, that she had heard i was really sick. We chatted and i explained what had gone down, and she told me to listen to my body and take care of myself. Then when i asked her what i could get her she said, "Oh nothing- i just came in to see how you were doing." What the heck?!? i've talked to this woman maybe a total of four or five times. Yet she puts herself out there to show me care and concern. I turned to my boss and asked, "What IS this place??!"
It's crazy and beautiful- the community that has arisen there. Strangers interacting, getting to know each other in the early moments of their day. I cannot tell you how many connections i see happen every morning. It is really beautiful. And the regulars are something else...sometimes nosy and all too ready to offer advice, but more than anything showing care and love towards one another and all of us who work there. It is something else.
Then this morning, seeing my girls for the first time in over a week...very cool. The older two were tripping over each other to tell me about their weekend and the youngest was snuggled up in my lap. Magical. :)
I am so blessed.
I start school tonight, which worries me a bit. busy again. but i think i will be able to settle into a rhythm, and adjust what needs adjusting.
i'm feeling a bit disconnected from friends in far places...san jose, san francisco, santa cruz.... to any reading, i miss you guys dearly and want to see you soon.
Planning the summer out- it's the middle of june! (dear friends will be here in less than a month!!!! Ahh!) the fall, heading to Mexico, New Mexico, and then back for Christmas with the fam. Trying not to worry about school timing and such...ugh. We shall see.
Peace to all. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. :)
How can i explain to my little hermana that the heartbreak she's feeling will pass? How do i explain that sometimes first love ends in disaster? and that the worst part is the loss of that first ideal?
Maybe i don't explain anything at all, just listen. i think this is better. i just hate to see her hurting.
what do you do, when you've just held your mother as she sobs that she wants more from her life?
good song.
spent the day at the coffee shop where i work. it was the one year anniversary party of my boss running the place. so many people, laughter, food, music. it was really beautiful to see Manami's friends and family come out and support her in her dream endeavor, and it was so wonderful to see the community that has sprung up in and around this place all come out and spend time together. i am really blessed to work there.
good people, good coffee...what more could a girl ask for?
and good music! jeez loowheez...
Manami's husband and his friend Paul were singing and playing the Blues... guitar-harmonica-goodness. yum.
i sang and played for a bit, good fun. i think one of the customers and i are going to try to organize some open mic spoken word/music nights...should be interesting to see what comes of it.
quiet night tonight. i'm going to head out to the Redwoods tomorrow morning for my sabbath. if you all have never been to a forest of redwood trees, i highly recommend it. the silence is amazing. it is a full silence. you walk into the forest, away from the sounds of society, and the silence simply envelops you. embraces you. it's like being embraced by peace and stillness.
"Be still and know that i am God" takes on a whole new meaning.
anyway, good night. i am watching a romantic comedy. i am such a sucker for a good romantic comedy. ugh.
hee hee. oh well. :)
Got some great shots of the girls the other day...
made me realize how much i miss my camera and photography.
hmmm...i need to invest in a new camera. i'm thinking digital...but a really good one.
any suggestions???
kristen, are you out there?
We must know what's going on in the world, right? I feel that it is our responsibility to be knowledgeable about world politics, global situations, suffering communities and peoples. But, how much is too much? Or is there a limit?
At some point, selfishly I feel that it is almost better not to know. It is too much sorrow to bear. In the past I would go through these really extreme periods... I was like a sponge, soaking up information and the world's sorrow and pain- my heart breaking and breaking for those who suffered. I would literally cry for days.
then I would become overwhelmed and almost completely shut off from the world- no news, no newspapers, magazines, nothing. I couldn't handle it anymore. It was almost a deadening.
This cycle would continue in its two extremes...it was very exhausting and painful.
I have been wondering about balances- I don't want to become desensitized to the suffering of others in any way. I also don't want to be an emotional wreck and unable to love and serve others in my daily life. I don't want to be unaware of what is going on in the world. some conflicts here...how do I reconcile them to each other and within myself??
had a particularly sensitive day yesterday...after I blogged I went out in the backyard to my mom who was gardening, and just sobbed. What if the little girls I watch had to witness such atrocities as their grandparents being shot in the head in front of them??? their pain is our pain, it is no different, it is not seperate. Iraqi children bleed the same as American children. If one human being suffers, we all suffer.
later on in the day I had a long talk with an old friend whom I had felt very estanged from recently. more crying. I hadn't realized it had been affecting me so much. I fear judgement from people I grew up with in the church, I fear their possible rejection because the path God has led me on has brought me to things they might not understand. I hope that we can have grace for each other in light of Unity, understanding, and the immensity of the God we serve.
no more writing now. still feeling vulnerable and sensitive. i hope the girls are nice to me today! haha.
blessings to all.
"If your Religion does not serve to make you a more Compassionate human being, then it is worthless."
- Dr. Parente; World Religions class, Fall 2005.
On Saturday May 27th, the Oakland Tribune ran an article titled, "GIs could face rap for killings." The article described a war crime of horrifying proportions.
November 19th- Haditha, Iraq:
In what is believed to be an act of retaliation for the death of a fellow officer (killed in a road-side bombing), a Marine unit shot and killed 24 Iraqi people; 19 of whom were in nearby houses that the Marines stormed, 5 others by a nearby vehicle.
Pictures taken of the event by a Marine intelligence team show that the bullet wounds were to the upper bodies of the people- some shot in the head, some in the back. It is believed that many were killed "execution-style."
Of the murdered were, not only men, but "several" women and six children.
From the article...
"Time magazine, in a report published in late March, quoted witnesses including a 9-year-old girl, Eman Waleed, who said she saw Marines kill her grandfather and grandmother, and that other adults in the house died shielding her and her 8-year-old brother, Abdul Rahman."
Generally, i try to stay out of the political realm on this blog, but this is not an issue of politics, this is an issue of humanity.
What are we doing???
My heart aches and aches and aches.
I am continually amazed by the resiliency and depth of strength i encounter in women in my life.
Spent part of the weekend with my dear, dear friend and her sweet boy in Santa Cruz. She has been my faithful friend through so much. Amazing. She is so beautiful, so strong. I hope i can be half as good a mother as she is.
had a great discussion on unity and oneness last night with people i truly care about. very cool.
so finals are over, and with that my last excuse has flown out the window and i must begin to look forward and take necessary steps to prepare for leavings, comings, goings.
ugh. i wish i wasn't such a fearful person.
who was it that said fear is the opposite of love?
i've been thinking (and reading) about that a lot lately. every action we take is either out of Fear or Love. this is true of our thoughts, our reactions, our emotions. wow.
i want to act, think, and speak in love. with the motivation and source being love. not fear.
this is loving more deeply than i have before, more truly.
oh and the other thing...i wonder how much of our daily grappling and living out of these things is a Struggle because we deem it so.
a quote:
"You cannot lose in this battle. You cannot fail. Thus, it is not a battle at all, but simply a process. Yet, if you do not know this, you will see it as a constant struggle. You may even believe in the struggle long enough to create a whole religion around it. This religion will teach that struggle is the point of it all. This is a false teaching. It is in not struggling that the process proceeds. It is in surrendering that the victory is won."
-Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God
an interesting thought...sometimes i feel like i'm struggling all the time and sometimes i realize that really, i am just not resting.
peace comes when i am resting in God's perfection and wholeness, in the knowledge that the sweet Spirit whispers to me, "All is well. All will be well."
Fragments of things running through my mind this morning. Half-written poems sprung from thoughts not yet developed fully. Things to get done, the list of "need to work on"s seems to grow daily.
I feel like i am constantly behind, never quite catching up. In my Humanities class we talked about how our society is extremely condusive to this- the pace of life is racing away from us and we are left feeling inadequate and inefficient.
how do i slow down my pace of Life? is it simply a matter of creating time and space for myself to just, be? to pray, meditate, center, recharge?
Fiona and i were car dancing this morning on the way home from driving her sisters to school. It was great. She and I have so much fun together. I think it is amazing how children can bring us back to the moment and teach us about seeing the world with wonder and awe. That and sometimes they are just downright HILARIOUS.
More later...a beautiful day to all.
Today is absolutely beautiful- clear skies, blue, blue, blue.
The air is fresh and cool, the sun warm on my skin.
The birds are serenading everyone and no one.
Yum.
Going to spend the day with dear, dear friends at the Berkeley Himalayan Fair.
Music, delicious food, unique jewelry, and all benefitting humanitarian projects in Tibet, Nepal, India, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Mongolia.
I get to see my sweet Natalie and the ever precious Amir!!!
(I miss them so much.)
I thank God for the peace in my heart-
it is to beautiful that my soul cannot contain it, it brings tears to my eyes.
What a beautiful day to Be!
Paz de Dios a todos.
Reassurance
I must love the questions
themselves
as Rilke said
like locked rooms
full of treasure
to which my blind
and groping key
does not yet fit.
and await the answers
as unsealed
letters
mailed with dubious intent
and written in a very foreign
tongue.
and in the hourly making
of myself
no thought of Time
to force, to squeeze
the space
I grow into.
Came home last night with a bag full of the In'N Out meal i had ordered hours earlier, uneaten and cold.
When my mom looked at me quizically, I laughed and explained, "I didn't eat it. I had homemade Indian food instead."
Obviously, this demanded further explination. I sat down and told her my story.
I entered In'N Out (in Oakland) and saw an older man kind of lingering around near the line for the cashiers. Unsure if he was waiting or not i met his gaze and smiled at him. He wasn't. Realizing i didn't have any cash on me i got out of line and walked over to the ATM. The man meandered over in my general direction, as i was getting money out. I was aware of his presence and a little confused about what exactly was going on with him. He approached me and asked, "Are you from this country?"
This began a short conversation in which i learned that he, "J.K.", and his wife, Asha, were visiting from India. A short exchange occurred and we swapped emails.
I ordered and sat down to wait, politely observing the public space ettiquete of silence and avoiding others' eyes, when i saw the Indian couple sitting at a table with no food in front of them. I went over to ask them if they had already eaten, thinking maybe i could buy them dinner if they needed. They informed me that they were vegetarians and had brought their own food. They apparantly had come on a tour bus with a larger group of people, and had packed enough food for the whole trip, knowing that they would most likely not be able to eat at the places the bus stopped.
The invited me to eat with them.
We shared one plate and split up naan, HOMEMADE naan. We shared with each other from our lives- a beautiful conversation.
As i was getting up to leave, J.K. said to me, "This is our custom." I looked at him confused, and he said, "To share, to eat together. To welcome the stranger."
My heart melted in my chest- here they were, from an entirely different country, in a fast food resaurant in which no one had welcomed them- not even others from the tour they were on...and they welcomed me as a stranger.
How beautiful.
We said goodbye, and i took Asha's hands in mine and thanked her for feeding me, turned to J.K. and he bowed his head with palms together and said, "Namaste." Surprised and honored, i did the same.
Namaste. We were honoring and recognizing the light of God in each other.
I left, walking slowly to my car, thanking God for such a blessing as this.
my skin
fits
a little too tight
tonight...
something deep
is rumbling,
slowly turning over
like some reluctant lurching
engine
a slumbering giant
wakening from some deep sleep.
my Beloved lifts my head
and my ego's control slips
just enough
for a breath of fresh air
and grace
to permeate my being.
Abba, Divine One,
Mother and Creator of my heart-
open my eyes,
break me open to see
your beauty and expression
in those around me,
those that
are dwelling
in my own home,
in myself.
gentle stirrings,
softly, softly now,
i am remembering.
that when stripping the ego away
the Divine is revealed
in my deepest being
shh, quiet now, little heart
in silence wait for understanding,
in peace know that even if it never comes,
All will be well,
All is well.
Have you seen her? She seems to have gone missing.
Hmmm.
Frustrated with myself. Why can't i just learn something once? Why can't i be in that glorious moment of understanding all the time? I have this lesser self that eats away at me- she taunts me with despair and selfish sadness, teasing me with her feelings-free deadened state.
"And there is this burning, like there's always been..."
So much in my life calls me to Life itself, to truly living, being present and awake. So why this evasive heaviness whose cause i cannot quite pin down??
Thinking a lot about Love lately and what meaning it holds, what consequences it carries. Vowing misery until death-do-us-part doesn't sound too apealing. Mejor sola que mal acompania.
The marriages i admire the most and appear to be the healthiest are those in which the partners are absolutely best friends. Lifelong friendship? Sounds good to me. Throw in a little mutual adoration and I'm there.
But do we ever find this? Does it find us? Is this a chance that can be lost? Can anything ever be truly lost?
Do you see my concern here? For my mind i mean. i start somewhere semi-concrete and end up spinning off into nameless galaxies of unknowns and very possibly meaningless thoughts. sigh. Does this get any easier?? Do things eventually settle down a bit, like maybe, when i'm 30?
Life continues to be one extending transition, which really, is beautiful when you think about it. Sometimes i do feel like i need a breather. I'm thinking about a weekend alone, in nature and in silence. Cut off from the outside world, by myself, in stillness and quiet.
it'd be good for me i think.
Anyway, good night.
no words tonight...
thought maybe that i would have something to express but nothing's flowing.
perdon.
The greatest thing you will ever learn, is just to love,
and be loved in return.
it seems to me that the greatest lessons are those that uplift your spirit to heights previously unreached while ripping your heart out of your chest simultaneously.
funny, all the dualities i have been encountering of late.
i want my love to transcend fear, i want it so badly.
i am becoming more and more aware of old ways of being that were completely unhealthy, and for that i am very thankful.
yet, it presents an inner struggle,
and i can hear my Beloved whisper, "Do you want to be healed?"
Do you want to be healed?
Do you want to be healed?
and sometimes, honestly, i want to scream, "NO!" and turn my face away and run as fast as i can- resist the lesson, resist Life, refuse my breaking open.
but i know where that ends up anyway- in a heap on the ground, many heartbreaks later, whispering regretfully, "Ok, ok."
So, Here I Am.
Fight or flight mechanisms whirring in my head, my heart racing, my feet itching for the road.
Embrace me, Beloved,
that i might embrace whatever lies ahead.
It has been forever since i have written here. Living circumstances have prevented me from having computer access at night, which has generally been my "blog-time."
i have a raging manifesto burning somewhere in my chest, which is almost ready to see the light of day, er web.
Perhaps if i were to begin now it would make its way out, but alas, i have work in 2 hours and must finish cleaning.
It is amazing to me the settling power of cleaning. As though, cleaning out my living space helps to clean out my head/heart/being. The state of my living space very much reflects my inner state, i think.
so, in short, i am a mess.
Ha, ha.
More soon, more soon. i didn't realize how much i enjoyed blogging until i no longer had accessibility. ('The time has come,' the Walrus said, 'To consider buying a laptop.')
I'll leave you with one thought. I have been reading a lot of Kahlil Gibran's writing lately. I read through Sand and Foam, which is a collection of quotes from his writing and is definitely not a one-time read. i have also begun reading The Prophet, which has really been striking a deep chord within me- there is great profundity in simplicity and Kahlil Gibran has so much quiet, inner wisdom. In The Prophet, the enlightened man who is leaving his beloved village and known life, imparts some final wisdom to those he is leaving behind. He addresses the concerns of the crowd- Love, Marriage, Children, Joy and Sorrow, Reason and Passion, Pain, Self-Knowledge, Teaching, Friendship, Pleasure, Beauty, Religion, and Death among others. As you might imagine, this is a very beautiful book.
Of Pain he says:
"Your pain in the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so you must know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears."
Driving on 5
The weight of possibility
The levity of glory
Viewing all I have left behind me
With gentleness and grace
Those things I still carry
I hold tenderly, cautiously
Increasingly aware of my vulnerability,
Encountering less and less resistance
To these moment by moment surrenderings
Of my heart, my fears, my very life.
O Abba, Holy One
Ante ti doy me vida-
Please guide me,
You are my One desire.
The dust of a holy city
Clings to my clothing
Poor and divine
And dirty.
My heart beats truly when I am there-
This is a phenomenon I must explore.
North bound
I am
Breathing and living
Not resisting where I find myself to be-
In a car with three other crazy ladies
Who carry within them
Divine Wisdom-
Reflections of Sofia and the Heart of Christ.
Holy week in Mexicali
La familia, les amo mucho.
Me encantan los ninos,
La musica
La tristeza
El gozo
Me encantan todos.
Pull myself back to this Moment,
Inhale Life fully
And exhale until my lungs hurt.
I am remembering moments of hilarity,
Shared laughter
And a depth of love that transcends all spoken language.
O las chistosas, los tramposos-
Que sarra!
Tan gacho!
Un sape para ti!
Oh mis hermanas, hermanos- voy a extranarles.
What a beautiful Life
God gives us to live, to love, to enjoy.
My love for Mexicali
And my family
Only grows.
Driving on 5
Laughter and tears co-existing
Love transcending dualities
Until I feel like I could burst.
Coming into Love
Waking up to Life
Worshiping God in all I do
And recognizing the Divine in all the world around me.
Peace and Joy to all.
Paz y Gozo a todos.
Hey vosotros,
i'm gonna be in mexico for the next week....
if you're of the praying persuasion
please pray for us.
specifically-
please pray for direction for me.
Thanks so much! love you guys...
talk to you in a week!
my heart exists
in such fragility
this morning
she's a little tired,
and the Ache is knocking on her door-
to let it in would be
some kind of surrender
to old ways of living, loving.
and then my heart remembers.
and it's these little rememberings that continually save her.
she remembers that "True Love" does not exist,
but that the greatest lesson of Life's moment of existence
is this:
to learn to truly love.
my heart feels like it is ready to explode out of my chest.
i create a tightly woven web
of past and present
possibilities and poor investments.
this web traps my heart,
exposes my underbelly
and makes me
ache
ache
ache.
what a bloody fool.
i walk around in the shadows of my past,
at this moment i am sitting next to
a ghost
a vision
a person who reminds me of one i used to love.
ugh.
i have to go.
Last night was so amazing-
played a casual show with friends and children,
coffee, food, and Love.
such genuine hearts-
i haven't felt that loved in a long time.
i need connection, community.
Thanks Deb for telling me i am not crazy.
i am not thoroughly convinced, but it is so good to hear it.
i feel paralyzed by my desires, my dreams-
the opportunities are so vast before me,
but each road, each path requires different preparation
and i am unsure of my next step.
priorities,
timing,
money...UGH.
maybe i should just lay out my "ideal" and aim for that.
maybe that is too lofty an idea.
[Insert biggest sigh ever-in-the-history-of-everything HERE.]
i am ....ALONE!!!!
i am puppy-dog sitting and i have the ENTIRE apartment to mySELF!!!
Hallelujah!
holy moly!
This is so great!
I could scream right now and no one would know!
I could dance around singing ridiculous 50's pop songs at the top of my lungs!
I could cry
read
write
play guitarra-
sit
in
silence!
Wow.
This is so great.
Now, to the crazy lady section of this blog (if you don't consider the earlier bit to be that....) I am so torn about what i want to do. I mean somedays the clarity makes my eyes water and my heart rejoice and other days- well, i feel like this.
i know what makes me come alive. i know my passions...now God, how exactly do i squish all those things together? ......and AFFORD it????
it is both a blessing and a curse to be of the artistic persuasion. Nothing i could imagine myself doing would ever make ANY money. Not that money is what i'm after- not at all. I am very content to live humbly for the rest of my life, die with very little material posessions. It's not that. It's just....that it costs money to live!!! to travel, buy art materials, guitar strings, food...things of this nature.
Hmmm...
There are always so many factors.
People, places, timing...
:-P ("pthhhbbb.")
...Thats how i feel about that.
You know, this all sounds very light and comical- this blog, that is. But really this is something that weighs on my heart a bit.
I think the comedy routine serves to provide some levity.
So....
imagine dancing chimpanzees and loud circus-type music...
children, skipping in circles,
shannon singing songs about elephants in her head,
oompa loompas!
what the heck- anything that is utterly ridiculous and makes you feel slightly scared and belly laugh at the same time.
gosh i miss shannon.
i need someone to go nuts with.
it's kinda worrisome, i think, when you are all alone writing things like this.
i may erase this so you all don't seriously begin to question my sanity.
-What will you think??-
yikes.
where am i?
sage burning
stomach full of fresh veggies
cooked in my latest
therapy session with the stove
ears pervaded by the songs
of aspiring singers
dreamers
people who are
reaching for something more
than what they know
my body is tired
and i'm worn a little weary
tonight
needing space
and quiet
change of residence maybe
would inspire
a more soul-friendly space
for me to just be
it's not me
it's not you, them, they, we
it's now
it's where, when, and how-
who i am.
and who am i?
the mystery wraps her arms around me tonight,
i am broken down
and rebuilt a thousand times
every moment
eternity echoes around me
awake and alive to the Beauty-
which is to say, the Sorrow,
Life,
God,
All,
One.
earthquakes shake these days
and i realize how precious Life is,
how necessary it is to fully live every moment we recieve
and i am so grateful,
so grateful.
Love, even if we share but a moment of this Life
the resonance of Om, of harmony, of love
will echo, resound, expand
in my being
in every moment
all eternity.
Muy cerca de mi ocaso, yo te bendigo, Vida
porque nunca me diste ni esperanza fallida
ni trabajos injustos, ni pena inmerecida;
porque veo al final de mi rudo camino
que yo fui el arquitecto de mi propio destino;
que si extraje las mieles o la hiel de las cosas,
fue porque en ellas puse hiel o mieles sabrosas;
cuando plante rosales, coseche siempre rosas.
...Cierto, a mis lozanias va a seguir el invierno:
mas tu no me dijiste que mayo fuese eterno!
halle sin dudas largas las noches buenas;
y en cambio tuve algunas santamente serenas...
Ame, fui amado, el sol acaricio mi faz.
Vida, nada me debes! Vida, estamos en paz!
pastors? elders?
lack of authenticity
lack of love
protocol
church politics
grieving the
heart
of God.
..."I recalled a story a woman had told me about her six year old daughter. The child, freshly home from Sunday school, was reporting to her mother what she had learned that day about God. Over and over she referred to God as "he." Her mother asked, "Why do you say 'he,' Ashley?"
"Because God is a man, Mommy."
"But why is God a man?"
Ashley thought a moment, "I guess because God thought that was the best thing to be."
There's somthing infinitely sad about little girls who grow up understanding (usually unconsciously) that if God is male, it's because male is the most valuable thing to be. This belief resonates in a thousand hidden ways in their lives. It slowly cripples girl children, and it cripples female adults."
On this blog i often refer to God as both "he" and "she" in order to demonstrate that God is both he, she, and neither. Also, i think to attempt to compensate for the centuries of denial of the sacred feminine. And yet to refer to God solely as "she" makes me uncomfortable still. which is very interesting to notice and think about. what is it in me that cannot fully allow for feminine divinity? what patriarchal voices am i carrying still?
But really, why not? God is often referred to in terms that are definitively male- and yet it is insisted that God is neuter and it is only a pronoun, the limits of language. so why not the other way around- why is that uncomfortable? why would many Christians i know squirm in their seats? very interesting.
these are really just intellectual musings, surface thoughts that are reflecting a much deeper pondering, reckoning, coming to self.
i can't yet fully talk about it...it has not taken the form of words yet.
one more quote, and then i'll go.
" Until women can visualize
the sacred female they cannot be whole
and society cannot be whole."
-Elinor Gadon
"In some ways, spiritual development for women, perhaps unlike that for men, is not about surrendering self so much as coming to self."
"When you can't go forward and you can't go backward and you can't stay where you are without killing off what is deep and vital in yourself, you are on the edge of creation."
"This is a stupendous moment for a woman--when she decides to live from her own inner guidance. It is, however, excruciatingly hard for a patriarchal daughter to accomplish....
What is held over her head is condemnation, even damnation. We've been led to believe that leaving the circle of orthodoxy means leaving the realm of truth. Typically the church has considerable stake in our staying in the orthodox circle. It knows if we claim ultimate authority as something in ourselves, as some inchoate voice in our own souls, it has lost all power over us. We have rendered ourselves independent, outside its control. We have stepped out onto our own path. For some reason this scares people senseless.
It terrified me just pondering it.
Women grow afraid at this moment because it means giving up a world where everything is neat and safe. In that world we feel secure, taken care of; we know where we're going. Then we wake up and find the old way doesn't work, that it no longer fits our identity, that by clinging to it, we're cutting ourselves off from something profound. But we cling anyway because it's all we've got. We call our desire for security loyalty. We yearn for something we've lost as women, but it's so unknown, so unbearably unknown. And then one day it all comes down to this: Can we trust ourselves, our inmost selves, our feminine wisdom?"
i pick up my phone
and put it down again
at least a dozen times.
there are
people to call
but really, what would i say?
tonight's one of those nights
when i wish i could
drive and
drive and
drive
my way into Solace.
Oh God, what have we done to your Church?
compartmentalized
divided by man made philosophy, theology
do we forget that man's Greatest Wisdom can't even touch God's stupidity?
for those of you with God locked in a box-
worshipping at the altar of your Ego,
don't you know that God cannot be limited?
he is bigger than you or me
she is bigger than you or me
divinity cannot be defined
the greatest Mystery of the universe cannot be fully comprehended-
our minds cannot grasp Him,
if they could, She would not be God.
i am grieved.
how did the church become so ridden with politics and protocol? like the Pharisees we are making up ridiculous rules that God never imposed upon us-
i want to stand up and shout
like the prophets of old,
wake up!
unify!
reject the lies of division,
throw out all that does not reflect
the beautiful heart
of Christ!
flee pride!
unify!
like a child, like a child, like a child-
full of wonder, awe
so close to joy
and sorrow
living in the moment, purely and simply-
children
have no concept of time
they do not worry about tomorrow or the next time they will eat-
they trust completely that it will be provided
that they will be taken care of.
children
do not reject other children
because of outward perception
they love wholeheartedly
wonder and awe
laughter abounding
jesus rejoiced in children, gave them his time
with no thought
of the next thing he needed to get to...
can you see the heart of God??
Come like a child,
come like a child to Me.
i search the archives
almost wishfully,
what am i looking for?
what a silly being
i am,
i think to myself-
half laughingly and half scared.
do i think i can really mess it up so badly
that the will of God could be deterred?
sometimes i embrace the mystery
fully
and joy expands my being.
sometimes i'm just sad and fearful
and alone.
this pull in my heart-
what does it mean?
or does it mean anything at all?
maybe i am just a silly girl.
maybe
i
am
just
crazy.
either way, really it doesn't matter. i don't think.
i write in code
so as not to give myself away
i hide
in words
and hazy phrases
that don't really say anything at all.
tonight it just hurts
and i want a room of my own
a sanctuary
with a coffeemaker
a cat
a bookshelf
and a window.
and a comfy chair to curl up in and read, write, sipping a cup of New Guinea blend. Maybe have etta or billie crooning on my stereo, keeping the loneliness at bay. maybe with someone who has the key, letting themselves in, whose entrance i feel more than hear or see.
my Jacob Grace.
you know, that book really f----- me over. (again.)
presented me with every ideal i could hope for, wish for....a happiness so incredible that it almost cannot be believed. a union of souls, depth of understanding and connection- and in the end? it all comes to a crashing halt anyway.
almost as if the author herself couldn't really bring herself to believe that it could happen, that love can exist like that.
so, why did i reread it?, you may ask- i think it is because i want to so desperately believe that it exists, and that it will stay. i couldn't bring myself to reread the ending. To ingest that ending again would be too traumatic to what faith i have left.
God-Shaped Hole, indeed.
sigh,
i want to love without fear.
"When the mystery goes, love goes..."
my heart whispers,
quietly, fearfully, hopefully-
stay
stay
stay.
THAT SHAPES THE EYE
Children
Can easily open the
Drawer
That lets the spirit rise up and wear
Its favorite costume of
Mirth and laughter.
When the mind is consumed with
Remembrance of
Him
Something divine happens to the
Heart
That
Shapes the hand and tongue
And eye into
The word
Love.
So take these words and sing outloud-
cause everyone is forgiven now
tonight's the night the world begins again.
Let not our love divide us,
let not our love divide us.
If we do not live our passions, it is a slap in the face to God.
Music makes
my soul spin
and twirl
rejoicing
in the experience
of being alive-
and whether you call it
your "story"
or your "testimony"-
it doesn't matter.
semantics and pride
go hand in hand.
my strings are singing
about God's hand
in my life
through
people
places
instances
love
friendship
heartbreak
and human ties-
let not our love divide us,
let not our love divide us.
protestant
baptist
catholic
lutheran
emergent
unitarian
presbyterian
whatever man-made division you subscribe to-
you do not have the corner
on truth.
your way is not the only way-
humility leads us to understand
that we understand so little.
and we can come up with fancy words
and we can put each other in categories
but the heart of God cries out...Unify! Unify! Unify!
they will know us by our love-
let not our love divide us,
let not our love divide us.
Do you ever feel like
you are
not
having a conversation
with someone-
but rather, while you are talking
their face is saying, "i am listening"
when really
underneath
their mind is racing
analying every word you're saying
coming up with some retort?
some argument
to displace your musing?
and you realize
they weren't listening at all
and what you have said
has no effect on them
and is not valued
which is expressed
simply
by the act.
sometimes i wish a punch in the stomach could open the ears
and dismantle pride.
Our ego must be healthy before we can let it go and be beyond it.
It seems that so many young people in the Christian church are moving back towards a creation-centered understanding of Jesus' teachings. Realizing that who we are IS beautiful, because we are an expression of God--that our innermost beings are not bad or evil, that we need not believe the deceptions of shame, guilt, or self-hatred. But rather delight in God in us.
The ego is our perception of ourself and how we want others to percieve us. It is the wall we build, the facade we recreate daily to feel acceptable to ourselves and impressive to others. It is seperation, alienation, and an obstruction to our True selves....the place within us where God dwells.
In order to move deeper, to reach a fullness of understanding, we must shed our egos like a snake sheds old skin that doesn't fit anymore. But in order to leave our ego behind, it must be a healthy one. If anyone thinks they are the best, if anyone thinks they are the worst- it is an unhealthy ego and cannot be shed.
For a person who has grown up in the redemption-centered Christian church, who has daily been confronted with guilt and shame and feelings of inadequacy or incapability- the ego is a wounded creature. This image of yourself must be healed before you can let it go.
For once it is healed and you understand the gift of yourself, the unique and irreplaceable expression of God that you are- you don't have to present a facade or worry about silly things...you can let go of that which you have held onto so tightly- you don't have to impress anyone, or prove yourself to anyone. you don't have to be someone you are not.
The ego is a barrier and will keep you from truly connecting with others, with God, with yourself. Once it is healed, it can be let go.
How beautiful to realze that we are all One, and yet distinct and unique expressions of God, simultaneously. i had thought that maybe there was some conflict there...but someone wise pointed out to me that as we celebrate our uniqueness and gifts we are reminded of our interconnectedness,(The hand cannot function without the eye), and as we remember we are all One, we can delight in the beauty that we create together, because of our very differences creating a fuller reflection of his/her Divine face.
Life is indeed
a musical masterpiece-
take up your instrument and play!
as in the psalms-
make a joyful noise unto the Lord!
play the guitar
play the piano
the marimba
the bass, the drums!
play your steering wheel, the sidewalk, a garbage-can lid!
play your thighs, your belly,
tap your toes as you dance down the street
engulfed in the rhythm
of the eternal Om
that vibrates and resonates
within, through, around us all...
this eternal song is constantly
playing
deepening and growing
a crescendo of greatest beauty-
with intricate melodies,
soft and tender-
loud and raging.
won't you join in?
sing in public-
dance down the street or in the office,
laugh hard!
let the joy of being erupt from within you
and pour out on those around you
don't mind laughter
or staring eyes...
rejoice in your wholeliness!
you will undoubtedly bless someone around you, someone in your path
whether you know it or not.
and you will surely delight the Great Musician who will sing and dance with you-
his holy laughter
healing the cracks and fissures
of the world.
"The most beautiful and most profound emotion we can experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the sower of all true science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead. To know what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty which our dull faculties can comprehend only in the most primitive form- this knowledge, this feeling is at the center of true religiousness. The cosmic religious experience is the strongest and oldest mainspring of scientific research. My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to percieve with our frail and feeble minds. That deeply emotional conviction of the presence of a superior reasoning power, which is revealed in the incomprehensible universe, forms my idea of God." -Albert Einstein
...I have been wondering about people lately. how we interact, relate, and love one another. I watched a show on anorexia and bulimia today. A lot of the reading for my "Life and Death..." course has been reflecting on the delicacies of human relation.
How fragile is our humanity.
If we could all see that our wound is the same, that we are all broken- not one of us better or worse than the rest, maybe some healing could happen in the world. Politics, ethnocentric societies, Religion- all want to divide us and pit us against one another. How this must break the heart of God. Some say that Lennon's "Imagine" is some great communist manifesto, but look at the words, simply. what a beautiful prayer...a pure desire for peace among people.
"Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one."
...and understanding that peace must first be born in us, individually, if it is ever to reach the world. The bible talks about a peace that "transcends all understanding." Thicht Nhat Han wrote the book, "Being Peace" saying that we must have peace within our own beings if we wish to influence the world for peace. Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
I have also been thinking about loving and accepting ourselves. Thinking about the insecurities, doubts, and outright lies that i have believed about myself and have been perpetrated and perpetuated by myself, the society, and others around me. the self hatred and lack of acceptance, (let alone appreciation!) that i have kept myself bound with are now being confronted.
whew.
))><((
ahhh-hahahaha!
what?
one must do something to amuse oneself while sick all weekend!
i'm researching the Hopi Indians as well...a little more productive, and very interesting.
my dreams are currently being haunted
by an uninvited ghost.
not unwelcome,
just unexpected.
not quite sure what to do with her-
i think if we meet again tonight
i will ask her
what she's doing here
and what the purpose of her
return
might be
a muse of sorts,
visiting me?
a new song has arisen out of a vision
of my hands
caressing la guitarra.
i don't quite know what to make of it all...
Where is your spirit moving, Mother?
Abba
brother
lover
sister
Beloved One of my heart?
what greater manifestation of the Oneness
than your spirit, your being?
your footprints
tread along the oceans you created
purely
for your Glory
with each breath
i am circling
closer
to understanding
that the fullness of understanding is beyond me.
i am content with the glimpses.
i had a dream last night in which i was playing guitar. this morning i remembered clearly what my hands looked like on the neck. i got up and started playing...
crazy.
it's beautiful.
Started classes yesterday...
woke up a little late, was nice and warm in bed, storming outside...and the LAST thing i wanted to do was get up and go to class. NOT a good sign if i am already dreading school on the first day!
But, i got up and went....and it was great!
I am SO happy that i decided to only take these classes and not overload myself. I chose two profesors that have GREAT positive energy and bring such passion to their subjects, classes, lives!
Educacion as it should be...i love it!
Here's my favorite conversation of the day.
Thursday, 8:15am.
F: "Arrgh, me mateys!"
R: "Fiona, (laughter)are you being a pirate?"
F: "No."
R: "No? What are you being?"
F: "A conscious."
Ahh, three year olds.
They're my favorite.
love is funny.
i know it is not the fairytale we grow up hearing about and believing in.
but still, i'd like to think it's more than a "choice"- a DECISION to make a COMMITTMENT....and blah blah blah.
doesn't seem very romantic or exciting to me.
love can change the course of your whole life.
had a cool conversation with my mom a few weeks ago about love and marriage, how loves changes, the things that make us fall in love, and those that keep us falling.
In "Still Life with Woodpecker" Tom Robbins wrote a lot about "making love stay"- he said that making love stay is inseperably intertwined with Mystery....when the mystery goes, love goes. (i'll throw a quote on later....he says it much better, i believe.)
oh and side note- i know that i sound like a Robbins fiend....i'm not, i swear it! Two of the last few novels i've read have been by him, and his writing has been provoking quite a bit of thought.
anyway must go.
more late...
hasta.
new ideas stirring...
prospects for travel arising...
my soul is dancing with the possibilities!
drivin down the one-oh-one
california- here we come!
wake me up when september ends...
these words are all i have
so i write them
so come here, stand in front of the light
stand still so i can see your silohuette
i hope you have got all night
cause i'm not done looking yet-
i know there is strength in the differences between us,
i know there is comfort where we overlap...
i'll show you mine, if you show me yours first-
we'll compare scars
and i'll tell you whose are worse
it is for me the eventual truth-
in the look of the lioness
at her man across the nile
i want to be someone else
or i'll explode
hide and seek...
she says forget what you have to do
pretend there is nothing outside this room
like an idea she came to me
but she came too late
or maybe too soon
how long i'll wait
just to say goodbye...
you painted a picture i'm the worst type of sinner you know
let your soul shine
it's better than sunshine
better than moonshine
damn sure better than the rain-
sitting at home, grey day, and i am a sickie!
finished a couple of books, one being "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" by Tom Robbins. Very interesting book...i love how Tom Robbins will weave into the story amazing philosophical concepts- magic and mysticism, the relativity of time and space, feminism (yay!) vs man-hating (boo!), the outlaw vs the criminal. Robbins is crazy, a genius no doubt, and crazy!
Yum.
So much to update here.
So many small and beautiful blessings God has put in my path.
went to an AMAZING reggae show on sunday at the catalyst-
giving thanks and praise to Jah as we danced and danced and danced
the celebration of life and the sacredness of being!
Reggae music moves me like no other. (Thank you Barrington Levy!)
if i hadn't cut my hair i think i would be gettin some nappy dreds. :)
a walk along the beach the next morning...probably about a mile and a half...completely barefoot!! it was wonderful! strolling barefoot, exchanging good mornings with passerbys, stopping randomly to run to the shore and greet the sea. hung out near some hilarious seals, watched the surfers enjoying the waves and sunshine. good conversation concerning God and life, open hearts and experience, Parents, "adults", alternative ways of living, travel, and hope.
also met with one of my mentors this week, this beautiful, crazy lady whose experience of life and love and trust in God is so inspiring to me.
As we sat in that office, the way the desk lamp illuminated her face-
she looked like an angel,
a prophetess.
i could see the years of pain
and experience
gracing her face
with such deep beauty.
[i hope i am beautiful like that some day.]
i hold her words close and ponder them in my heart.
she laid hands on me and prayed.
thank you, Abba.
i'm going to live my life in 5 minute increments...holy moment to holy moment.
learning how and preparing to communicate with my father.
understanding that lessons learned now are often preparations for future situations yet unseen.
learning to live in the moment, rejoicing in the beauty i have found in this.
forgiveness recieved breaks open my heart to newness.
Wow.
Got quite the response for posting a vent on this space. I never post to spite someone or to cause hurt.
Guess no more venting here.
Interesting dynamic to have people read your journal...nice to let them in and look around, get to know you better; at the same time receiving judgement when they see the ugly stuff.
I am torn. I want to get away from all this unhappiness. I dwell in strained silence with complete strangers. No wonder Han and i are so close. We're like life jackets for each other.
I am tired of living in such negativity. I just want to come home to someone who loves me. Someone who rises to greet me, delighted to see me. and a cat. i want a home and a cat.
I want to come home and have it feel like home.
its been so flubbing long...my soul is weary.
God please lead me because i don't know where to go.
fighting bitterness the best i can but it is wearing me down.
My greatest desire is to get out. get away.
its all just so unhealthy here.
i fear fleeing though- that never really solved anybody's problems.
but maybe they're not mine to solve. How long will we need to bend for and work around someone's denial of and unwillingness to work on their issues?
Oops, venting again.
pray hard please, anyone reading this.
my soul is in anguish.
"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a woman; I will question you, and you shall answer me.
Where were you when i laid the earth's fooundation?
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when i made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when i fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when i said: 'This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt'?
What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside? Can you take them to their places? Do you know the paths to their dwellings? Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years!
Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens when the dust becomes hard and the clods of earth stick together?
...Would you discredit my justice? Would you condemn me to justify yourself?
Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let she who accuses God answer him!"
Then Rachell replied to the Lord:
I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
Surely i spoke of things i did not
understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.
Oh Abba,
hold me in your arms tonight.
forgive your wayward daughter
who is so quick to forget
Who you are.
I am scared and i feel so alone, my Beloved.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
"Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When i said, 'My foot is slipping,' your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."
"My comfort in my suffering is this:
Your promise preserves my life."
Thank you
thank you
thank you.
Your grace is sufficient for me.
how could i forget this?
I am a lotus.
I am a lotus.
My roots are grounded in the muck and grime,
but my petals still emerge
untouched
unscathed
radiant and pure.
I am the lotus,
i will emerge
this will not swallow me.
i will not allow it to-
flowers fade in winter
shrivel and die away
but birth comes from death
and spring returns
and i will bloom
again.
just need to find
a little breath
of sunshine.
